


Fix You

by Smolbeanandhisqween



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Because they kinda share that really, Blow Jobs, Bottom Harry, Bottom Louis, Closeted Character, Closeted Harry, Cutting, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Roller Coaster, First Time, First Time Blow Jobs, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Loss of Virginity, M/M, Past Abuse, Past Character Death, Professor Louis, Rimming, Sad with a Happy Ending, Secret Relationship, Smut, Strangers to Friends, Student Harry, Top Harry, Top Louis, Virgin Harry, lirry friendship, narry friendship, rim jobs, zouis friendship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-05
Updated: 2019-08-11
Packaged: 2020-07-31 14:38:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 126,028
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20116720
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Smolbeanandhisqween/pseuds/Smolbeanandhisqween
Summary: "Why do you do it?" Harry gives him a puzzled look."Do what?""Cut yourself." Harry takes a moment to give him an answer. His face flashes with several emotions like he doesn't know what to say."The same reason you drink so much, to numb reality."Or the one where Louis is an alcoholic professor. Harry is his quiet yet beautiful student who never wears short sleeves and always has a sad look in his eyes. This is their journey of learning to love themselves and maybe along the way, each other.





	1. Meeting

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so excited to finally be posting this on Ao3!! I have worked my ass off on this story for several months. I started it in January but gave up for a few months and started it back up in April. This in the longest fic that I've ever written and I'm so incredibly proud of it.  
The topics that are discussed are very triggering so if you are triggered easily by cutting, alcoholism, loss of a family member, abuse, or suicide attempts you should read with caution or consider not reading at all.  
This story is so near and dear to my heart. I have poured my heart and into this story. I really hope you enjoy it... Enjoy is probably the wrong word given the heavy topics discussed in the story but you know what I mean.  
I would like to give a huge shout out to my bestie and #1 fan M who is @harryelskling who has been with this story every step of the way. She's supported me through all of my writer's blocks, given me ideas with I need them, read every snippet that I've given her, and overall has just been an amazing person to talk to this story about.  
Without further ado, here's Fix You <3  
Feel free to leave a comment letting me know what you think! Or a kudos if you liked it. Thank you guys so much for reading :)))))

*L*

Louis wakes up on Monday morning with an awful hangover. It is the first day of the fall term. He just so happens to be a professor. This is his second year of being a professor. Louis loves teaching at King’s College. He loves teaching college students and loves introducing them to literature and helping them work through their emotions with their writing. Teaching is the favorite thing in his life. Everything else is a fucking mess. His drinking didn’t mean to get as out of control as it has become. 

Louis rushes out of bed. There is only thirty minutes until his first class starts. He takes his daily Advil (it’s the only way to get through the day). He rushes to the bathroom to brush his teeth to get the stale taste out of his mouth. Afterwards, he pulls on his pants and finds a nice button up to wear. It is the first day of classes, after all. He grabs his satchel and walks towards the door. Before opening it, he hesitates and walks to the kitchen. Louis grabs the half-drank bottle of whiskey and takes a long swig. It’s a good luck shot on the first day of teaching. That’s what he always tells himself anyway.

*H*

Harry wakes up with dried tears on his face. It wasn’t abnormal for him. That’s how he fell asleep most nights. He wipes his eyes and feels a familiar sting on his left forearm. He looks down and sees that he bled through his sweatshirt. There is dried blood in lines on his sweatshirt and on his sheets. He curses aloud and puts his face in his hands. This is not what he needed to start his first day of fall term. He takes off the ruined sweatshirt and strips the bed. He hears knocking on the door. 

“Hazza? Are you up? You have to leave for school soon.” Liam. He figured it was one of his roommates. He’s lived with Niall and Liam since freshman year. They are his very best friends and he doesn’t think he would still be alive if he didn’t have them in his life. 

“Y-yeah. Hold on.” Harry squeaks out. 

“Harry, are you okay?” Liam asks with worry in his voice. 

“I’m fine.” He responds quickly. Liam doesn’t believe him as per usual and walks in. Harry is holding the dirty sweatshirt and sheets with wide eyes.

“Haz…” Liam starts, worry and outright love in his voice. Liam has known about Harry’s cutting for years. He’s tried to help him but his efforts never work for long. “You were doing was well. It’s been 38 days.” 

Harry’s heart actually drops. He hates that he disappointed Liam. Again. He’s always disappointing someone. 

“I’m sorry.” That’s all Harry can get out. Tears are threatening to spill from his eyes. 

“Oh, Haz… Don’t apologize. We’ll keep working at it. Why did you do it?”

“I just… starting school again really freaked me out. You know how bad it got last year.” Harry responds shakily. 

“I know. It’s going to be better this year. I promise. I just have a feeling.” Liam stretches his arms out. “Let me put them in the wash. You have to get to school.” All Harry can do is nod. He gives Liam the contents in his arms and then quickly puts the wounded arm behind his back. If Liam noticed, he doesn’t say anything. 

Harry finds a dark long sleeve shirt and his normal black jeans He heads to the bathroom to take a shower and bandage his cuts. If he can do one thing well, it’s dressing his wounds. He’s done it so often for the last several years. He showers quickly, careful to wash the dried blood off of his forearm. The hot water stings but it’s something he’s used to. Harry steps out of the shower and dries off. He puts on his underwear and then pulls out his emergency clean up kit under the sink. He cleans the cuts and wraps his normal bandages around them.

He dresses the rest of the way and heads back into his room. His room is small but it is his own. He loves his room but at the same time he loathes it. This is where so many bad thoughts run through his head. Being alone in this room has caused so many of the cuts on his arm. Being alone is the worst thing possible for him. He quickly grabs his bag and gets the hell out of there. 

“Today is going to be a good day, okay?” Liam says.

“I really hope so, Li. I don’t know how many more bad days I can take.” Harry responds in a small voice. Liam’s face turns into a frown.

“Stop that. You have your mum and Gemma. Niall and me. We all need you. We all love you so much.”

“Love you.” Harry says, giving Liam a quick hug and leaving as quickly as possible.

*L*

Louis is nearly late to his first class of the day. He practically sprinted there. His first class is Creative Writing. Normally, freshmen take this class as a General Education credit but Seniors sometimes take it as a blow-off class before graduating. When Louis gets there, most of the classroom has already filled up. He can tell who the freshmen are because they have scared faces and are sitting in the front. He flashes them a reassuring smile and sets his things on the desk. Louis checks his phone and when it reads 9:00 on the dot, he starts talking.

“Hello, everyone. I’m Professor Tomlinson. But I prefer if you call me Louis. Professor Tomlinson just makes me feel old.” A few of the students laugh. “I’m only a few years older than most of you but I still would like to have your respect. I went through the hell that is college, just like the rest of you.” More of the students laugh. He enjoys making his students laugh. He likes to think he’s a funny person. “I really hope to get to know you all this semester and I do hope I can help you all in anyway that I can.” He flashes the class a smiles and claps his hands together. “I should probably take attendance, shouldn’t I?” The class agrees and so Louis does. 

Louis takes attendance and then quickly goes over the syllabus. He hates being the professor that teaches on the first day but he’s so excited to finally be teaching again. It was a long and painful summer without teaching. Some of the students look annoyed when he finishes the syllabus but does not release them for the day. 

“Okay, so Creative Writing…” Louis is about to continue when the door opens. 

A man walks in. He has long, wavy hair and is very tall. He is wearing layers even though it’s the middle of August and incredibly hot outside. They lock eyes and the man has green eyes that look so sad. Louis greets him a smile, although is very confused. They have been in class for nearly twenty-five minutes. 

“Are you lost?” Louis asks, lightheartedly. The man’s eyes grow wider and sits down quickly.

“I don’t think so. This is creative writing, right?” The man asks. His voice is incredibly deep. Louis is momentarily lost in the deepness of his voice. He soon realizes that he is supposed to respond.

“Uh, yeah. Yes.” Louis stutters. He sounds like such a knobhead. This man is a student and has him flustered. He takes a deep breath and tries to regain his composure. “What’s your name? I’ll check the roaster.”

“Harry. Uh, Styles.” He responds quietly. That same sounded familiar. He had called it out earlier and no one answered. 

“Harry.” Louis repeats. He pretends to look at the roaster since he already knows Harry is in his class. “Yes. You’re in the right place. Thanks for joining us.” Harry merely nods and makes himself smaller in the chair. “As I was saying… Creative Writing.” 

Louis finishes the class with twenty minutes to spare. He gave his students their first assignment. He wants to get to know his students and the way that they write so he assigned a two page paper. In the paper, he wants them to write a short story about themselves. Most students don’t look happy but a few, including Harry, look happy to get started. 

Louis has an hour and a half break in between his next class so he goes to his office. It’s a relatively long walk across campus to his office but he doesn’t mind. Long walks help him clear his head. Thankfully, his best friend and fellow literature professor is in his office next to Louis’.

“Zayn!” Louis exclaims happily. 

“Tommo! How are you, mate?” Zayn responds after taking a sip of his coffee. 

“You know me. Always getting into trouble.” Louis responds. Zayn chuckles and gives him a knowing look.

“God, do I ever. How many times have I had to bail your sorry ass out of the drunk tank?” Louis rolls his eyes but forces out a laugh.

“Yeah, yeah. Laugh it up. One of these days it’s going to be you.” 

Zayn and Louis were randomly assigned to live together in their first year of college. They didn’t like each other at first. Zayn was a neat freak and Louis was a slob. It wasn’t until Zayn offered Louis a joint did they start to get along. Zayn has seen a lot of what Louis has gone through the past few years. Louis knows that Zayn knows he has a drinking problem but he is never one to comment on it. Zayn has been a good friend over the years. It only makes it better that he has his good friend teaching with him at the same university. 

“I, uh, have a question about a student. I’m not sure if you’ll know him but I thought I’d ask.” Louis says nonchalantly. 

“Who is it?” 

“Harry Styles.” Zayn’s eyes narrow on him as soon as the name leaves his lips. 

“Why do you want to know about Harry Styles?” Zayn counters.

“He was over twenty minutes late to my class today and I just want to know if he’s going to be one of my problem students.” He figures that’s a good enough excuse. It wasn’t a complete lie. Although, he wanted to know more about him. He wasn’t going to deny that Harry Styles was beautiful but he’s a student and that is absolutely forbidden. 

Zayn’s face visibly relaxes. “Oh thank fuck. I thought you were going to tell me you thought he was hot. You wouldn’t be wrong. He’s your type, you know.” Louis definitely fucking knows. He lets out a nervous laugh.

“No, you dickhead. I’m a dignified professor looking out for my students. I couldn’t care less if they are attractive or not. It’s not my job to fuck the students, Zayn. Maybe you should keep that in mind.” Zayn barks out a laugh. 

“It was only two students.” Louis raises his eyebrow. He knows for a fact that’s not true. “Or twelve. Whatever, who’s counting?” Zayn responds with a slight smirk. 

“Obviously you are. But seriously Z, you’ve got to be careful about that. You’re going to fuck the wrong student and it’s going to cost you your job.” Zayn simply rolls his eyes at Louis.

“They are all legal, consenting adults. I’m not doing anything wrong.” 

“It would all be peachy if we didn’t have the university’s zero tolerance policy for fucking students.” Louis says with a pointed look. 

“I’m not the only professor fucking a student.” Zayn replies matter-of-factly. Louis just shakes his head. He wasn’t going to get into it. It’s Zayn’s life, not his. What Zayn does in his spare time is none of his business. 

“So Harry Styles?” Louis pesters.

“Right, of course. Harry Styles. He’s been in a few of my classes. He’s a senior this year. He didn’t talk much. The only talking he really did was through his writing. He’s an incredible writer. He had some attendance issues but he always had a doctor’s note for them.”

“Doctor’s notes? For what?” Louis inquires. It was for professor purposes, of course. Zayn shrugs.

“I didn’t look too much into it. It was none of my business.” 

“Oh. Yeah. Right.” Louis stutters out. Of course it was none of his business. Zayn stands up. 

“Well, hey. I need to start heading over to get ready for my next lecture. I’ll talk to you later. We could always go out for drinks tonight.”

“Yeah, definitely. Let’s plan on it.” Louis stands up as well and heads into his own office. 

Louis sets his satchel on his desk and shuts the door. He immediately opens his bag and pulls out his emergency flask. It is the first day of classes, it’s very stressful. He just needs a drink or two to take the edge off. He’s fine. 

His second class is not as big because it is a senior literature class. There is only about thirty students in his class compared to the sixty in his Creative Writing class. In some ways, he prefers it this way because he can help his students more closely. He starts class and he sees several familiar faces. He’s had at least half of these students in his class last year. Most of them are really good kids. He takes attendance and again, Harry Styles is in his class. However, there is no Harry to be seen. He begins his lecture. He thanks those who are taking his class again and welcomes those whom he doesn’t know yet. Louis passes out the syllabus. He opens his mouth to start going over it with the door opens again. Harry Styles.

“Making this a habit are we, Mr. Styles?” Louis asks in the most authoritative voice he can muster. Harry runs a hand through his hair nervously. His cheeks grow pink with embarrassment. 

“I’m sorry, Mr…”

“Tomlinson. But please, call me Louis.” 

“I’m sorry, Louis. It won’t happen again.” Harry replies in a small voice. He runs a hand through his luscious hair again. Louis notices how large Harry’s hands are. He can’t seem to take his eyes off of them. He probably looks like such a creep. He’s literally in front of his class staring at his student. Harry notices, too. He doesn’t react. Not really. He flashes a small smile which is quickly replaced with sadness. Louis forces himself to break away from Harry’s hand trance and brings his attention back to the class. 

“So the syllabus this term is a little heavy but I promise you lot will enjoy it.” Louis tells the class like nothing has happened. 

*H*

Something was different about this semester, Harry could feel it. He almost felt hopeful. Almost. He didn’t know if it had something to do with his young, attractive professor but it might. That thought alone makes Harry very anxious. He doesn't talk about his sexuality. To anyone. He’s not even sure Liam knows. He knows for a fact that Niall doesn’t know because he keeps trying to set him up with girls. It’s not that Harry is ashamed of who he is, he’s not. He is just too worried about what people might think. His anxiety makes him overthink every look someone gives him. He’s constantly afraid that someone has figured it out and is going to burn him at the stake or something. 

The thing is, he saw Professor Tomlinson, Louis, check him out. He loved it. He hasn’t gotten attention from anyone in so long. He hasn’t let anyone get that close. He let himself feel happy about the attention Louis gave him for just a second until it turned into insecurity. Louis would never want to be with someone like him. He’s too damaged. The second Louis saw the cuts on his arms, he would run for the hills. He doesn’t even want to try. Besides, he’s a teacher and that’s not allowed. He wouldn’t want to fuck up another person’s life. 

Classes have been going on for two weeks now. It has been going better than Harry thought they would. He tries to make it to class on time because he found out that it really bothers Louis when he’s late. However, he woke up late on Friday which caused him to cut a quick line on his arm right by the crease. It was a simple line but it bled a lot. He was fifteen minutes late to Louis’ creative writing class. He walks in completely flustered and upset.

Louis only gives him a pointed look. Harry spends the entire class beating himself up. It’s not just that he finds Louis attractive, he respects the hell out of him. In the two weeks that they have been in class, he’s seen just how much Louis cares for his students and wants them to succeed. The class received their first paper back on Monday and Louis wrote so many little notes of encouragement. He’s never had a professor show that much interest in his students and he’s only had him for two weeks. He feels like he let Louis down and that fact alone hurts him. He just wants to crawl in a hole and never resurface. 

After class, he tries to run away as quickly as possible but he hears the amazing high pitched voice calling his name. 

“Harry? Can we talk a moment?” Louis asks.

“Yeah… Of course.” He knows he’s disappointed Louis. He can see it in his face. Harry walks to Louis’ desk. 

“What happened today? You were doing so well. You haven’t been late to class since the first day.” Louis asks, concern evident on his face.

“I’m sorry… I just, uh, overslept.” Harry mumbles. “I’ll try to do better.” He turns to walk away but Louis gently grabs his forearm. His left forearm. Harry winces at the contact. He has a fresh cut from this morning and it is sore. 

“Harry… Are you okay?” Louis asks, searching his face for any sign of an answer. Harry panics. 

“Yeah, I’m fine. Just bumped myself against something. Clumsy me.” Harry’s voice is abnormally high. It doesn’t sound like him at all. He turns to walk away.

“Harry?” Louis asks with uncertainty.

“I’m fine.” He repeats. He did not need Louis feeling sorry for him. That is the last thing he wants. 

“Okay.” Louis practically whispers. Harry doesn’t wait another second to get the hell out of there. 

Harry doesn’t go to his other two classes. The amount of shame he feels is unbearable. Louis saw him wince. He knows something is up. How could he be so stupid? He wants to feel numb. He doesn’t want to feel all the emotions he’s feeling right now. He lays in his bed for a long time. Six hours has probably passed before he drifts off into a restless sleep. 

Harry awakens not even two hours later from a nightmare. He gets them far too often. He feels no better than he did before his nap. All of the terrible thoughts in his head just won’t stop. They are relentless. He knows the only thing that will stop them. Frantically, Harry pulls out the little box under his bed with his many razors and box cutters. There are tears running down his face and his hands are shaking. He tries to get his breathing under control. They are coming out in jagged breathes; on the verge of hyperventilating. When he can’t even out his breathing and with his thoughts only intensifying, he opens the box. He lays his left arm flat on his leg and slides the box cutter across his skin. He’s so numb to the pain by now that he can’t feel it. He can breathe again. His arm is seeping with blood profusely. His jeans and shirt are soaked with blood. He never bleeds this much. Maybe this is finally it. Maybe he’s finally out of his misery. 

Harry faintly hears the front door open and close. He can’t do anything but lay there in his blood soaked clothes. He hears Liam yelling for him. He knows that Harry is home. There is a knock on his door and when he does not answer, Liam enters.

“Harry, oh my god. No!” Liam runs to his side. He picks up anything he can to press on Harry’s forearm to stop the bleeding. “Stay with me, okay?”

“Liam…” Harry starts, disoriented. 

“Haz. I’m here. We have to get you to a hospital. Can you stand?” Liam’s voice is higher than normal and much more shaky. Harry nods automatically. He tries to stand up but falls down just as quickly. “I’ve got you. Just stay awake. Please, Haz. You have to stay awake.” He pleads. 

Liam lifts Harry up so that Harry’s non-bleeding arm is wrapped around his shoulder. Liam guides them to his car. He carefully puts Harry into the passenger seat and straps the seat belt around him. He rushes to the driver’s side and puts the car in drive. He runs three red lights to get to the hospital. The hospital is fifteen minutes away but Harry only makes it seven before he passes out. 

*L*

Louis takes his normal break after his first class. He downs his emergency flask in two drinks within the first three minutes he’s in his office. The conversation with Harry had worried him. He’s always quiet when he’s in class but that wince when Louis touched his arm is replaying in his mind over and over again. He wanted to know what was wrong with him today but he knows it’s none of his business. He doesn’t know why he’s so invested in Harry’s wellbeing. He keeps telling himself that it’s because he’s a good professor but he knows it’s more than that. 

He really starts to worry about Harry when he’s not present in Senior Literature. Harry has not missed a class since the term started. His lecture is underprepared and scattered. He lets the class out early because he’s so in his head. 

Afterwards, he goes back into his office to wait for Zayn. Hopefully he will agree to go out for drinks with him. He needs to get Harry Styles out of his mind. He’s worried sick even though he has no right to be. Zayn makes it to his office forty-five minutes later. By that time, Louis is getting jittery since he drink all of his whiskey so early in the day. Louis knocks softly on Zayn’s door. 

“Come in.” Zayn answers, muffled through the door. Louis opens the door and smiles as big as he can muster. 

“Zaynie.” Louis starts. Zayn rolls his eyes.

“Wanting to go out for a drink I’m guessing?”

“Uh, yeah. If you don’t mind.” Louis says in a small voice. “It's been a hard day.”

“Isn’t everyday a hard day?” Zayn didn’t know the half of it. 

Two hours later they are in a small dive bar a few minutes away from the school. Louis doesn’t waste any time to order both a shot and a drink for himself. Zayn only orders a beer. He is looking at Louis with concerned eyes that he is far too used to. He doesn’t want his pity. He just wants a friend to get drunk with him so he can forget his problems. They are quiet for awhile before Zayn sighs loudly. 

“Are you going to tell me what’s wrong?” Zayn asks.

“It’s just this student. Um, he was late for class today. I pulled him aside after class and he was acting really weird. I touched his arm and he winced like he was in pain. I barely touched him. Something was not right. Then he wasn’t in my second class. It’s just not leaving my head.” 

“May I ask who it is?” Zayn inquires. His face looks like he already knows who Louis is talking about. 

“Harry Styles.” Louis mumbles. 

“I thought so. Lou, no matter how much it sucks, there are some people you can’t save. Harry’s papers are unbelievably sad and tragic. He has demons.”

“So do I.” He whispers so softly that Zayn can’t hear. “I know. I just wish I knew what was wrong, ya know?” Is what he decides to say to Zayn.

“I know, mate. It’s tough being a professor sometimes.” All Louis can do is nod.

Louis has been at the bar for three hours now. He has lost track of the number of drinks he has ingested. Zayn suggests several times that enough is enough but Louis refuses. He felt the effects of the alcohol and then some. He felt good. He felt numb. He wasn’t disturbing anyone. He just wanted to drink himself into ignorant bliss in silence but the bartender wasn’t having it. 

“He needs to leave.” The bartender says to Zayn. He nods in agreement. How dare he say that. Louis isn’t bothering anyone. He is sipping his whiskey in silence. 

“Why?” Louis slurs. 

“Because you’ve had too much to drink.” The bartender says with a hint of annoyance. 

“As long as I’m-” He hiccups. “I’m paying, why the fuck does it matter?” Louis says in a harsh tone. The bartender rolls his eyes at him. Louis feels his blood boil. What difference does it make if he’s drunk? That’s not this guy’s job. His job is to serve Louis drinks. 

“Mate, it’s not my problem if you’re an alcoholic. Just do it somewhere else.” This bartender is a big, burly man. He’s short but made of muscle. Louis would stand no chance if he tried to fight him. He tries to anyway.

Louis jumps out of his barstool. “What the fuck did you just say to me?” Zayn puts a cautious hand on Louis’ shoulder. 

“Lou, why don’t we leave. I’ll make us drinks at my place.” Zayn tries. Louis ignores him. His blood is boiling too much to calm down. He is seeing red. The bartender actually laughs. 

“I said you were an alcoholic. As in you drink too much because you have nothing to live for. Thought that was obvious.” The bartender barely finishes before Louis jumps across the counter and punches the guy in the face. His reflexes aren’t very quick because of the alcohol. Before he knows what’s happening, the bartender grabs his shirt and slams his face onto the bar. He does this two more times. He lets go of Louis’ shirt only to punch him right in the eye. Louis falls to the floor.   
“Louis!” Zayn screeches and crouches down next to him. Louis is disoriented. He can taste blood. He knows that is not a good sign. 

“Get him the fuck out of my bar before I call the cops.” The bartender warns. He watches Zayn nod and he collects Louis from the floor.

Once they are out of the bar and a good distance away, Zayn sits him on a random curb to assess his injuries. Louis can only see out of one eye. His eyebrow must be busted because it is gushing blood. His whole face hurts. He’s sure he looks like a right mess.

“You’re so fucking stupid. You know that, right?” Zayn mutters.

“Dickhead shouldn’t have called me an alcoholic then.” Zayn decides to ignore that comment entirely. Louis is sure he wouldn’t know how to answer to that anyway.

“Your eyebrow is in bad shape. You need stitches.” 

“I’m fucking fine. It’s a scratch.” Louis proves a point by touching his eyebrow. That was a terrible idea. He whimpers at the contact and that simple touch makes it start bleeding more. 

“Come on. We’re taking you to the hospital.” Zayn decides, helping Louis up. 

“Fine.” Louis agrees reluctantly.

The walk is about twenty minutes. Louis feels worse and worse with every step. He needs more whiskey. He doesn’t dare ask Zayn to stop at another pub though. He knows Zayn is furious with him. The only reason Zayn hasn’t blown up on him is because Louis is injured.

They finally make it to the hospital. He takes in the surroundings. The hospital emergency room is surprisingly not very busy. There’s only a few people in beds. His   
eyes narrow on the bed by the corner. He notices the long wavy hair. That’s Harry. Harry Styles is in the emergency room with a doctor stitching up his arm. He also has a IV in his arm replenishing blood. How much blood did he lose? He can’t help but think that this is his fault. 

“Hello, ma’am. My friend here needs to have stitches.” Zayn says with a sigh. 

“I can see that. I’m going to need you to fill out this form.” The nurse talks to Zayn in depth about everything that needs to be completed. Louis doesn’t pay attention to any of it. The only thing he does is stare at Harry. He looks very disoriented. His eyes are barely open. “Louis, is it?” The nurse asks bringing Louis out of his trance. 

“Y-yes?” 

“If you could follow me, please? We’ll get you stitched up right away.” She escorts them to his hospital bed. They continue to walk closer to Harry. Louis is internally panicking. He doesn’t know what to do. He doesn’t want Harry to see him here with a gushing eyebrow and obviously drunk. Sure enough, the nurse pats the bed right next to Harry. The nurse takes his vitals. “A doctor will be with you soon to stitch you up, Louis.” 

Harry’s head perks up at the mention of Louis. He looks over to Louis and his eyes widen. He immediately looks down at his hands. This couldn’t be more awful if Louis tried. He feels like an absolute failure as a teacher. His student is seeing him at such a low moment in his life.

“Zaynie, you can go. I’ve already put you through too much. They’re going to take my blood and find out I’m drunk. They won’t let me leave until I sober up. I’ll call you tomorrow. I’m so sorry.” Louis makes sure to keep his voice low so Harry won’t hear. Zayn looks at him, contemplating.

“Okay…” Zayn replies with unease.

“I promise I’m okay. Go get some rest. I’ve put you through so much already.” Zayn stands up from his chair and gives Louis a hug in which Louis winces. Zayn gives him one last look before leaving. 

The doctor attending to Harry’s wounds leaves shortly after Zayn does. Louis glances at Harry with his good eye. Now that the doctor isn’t blocking his view, he gets a good look at Harry’s injury. Or should he say injuries. His arm is covered with scars. There are white lines and pink lines signifying the new cuts and the old cuts. The cut that has just been made has several stitches in it. How deep did he cut? Louis’ heart lunches into his throat. His mouth goes dry and he feels like he could vomit. He grabs the bedpan and empties the contents of his stomach into the pan. 

“Are you okay?” Harry says in a small voice. Louis barely heard him.

“Yeah.” Louis responds quietly. 

“You look rough.” 

Louis chuckles. “So do you.” He immediately regrets saying that. How fucking insensitive of him. To his surprise, Harry laughs. 

“I’m not denying that.” 

“Such a weird place to run into each other, yeah?” Louis tries to keep the conversation lighthearted. He doesn’t want to upset Harry.

“The weirdest.” Harry is quiet for a moment. “Did you get punched?” Louis contemplates not answering. It is inappropriate to disclose this information with a student. He’s still pleasantly drunk and doesn’t really care at this point. Plus, Harry has a calming aroma about him. 

“Yeah, I did. And my face was slammed onto the counter.”

“What happened?” 

“Some asshole bartender was running his mouth.” Louis doesn’t know why he’s saying so much. The words just continue to spill out of him. 

“Did you at least get a good punch in?” Harry ask, curiously. 

“I think so.” 

“I’m sure he deserved it.” Louis smiles softly at Harry’s comment. He knows better not to ask about Harry’s injury. He knows it was self inflicted. The last thing he wants to do is upset Harry. 

“I’m sorry you have to see me looking so rough. I normally look a lot hotter than this.” Louis actually makes a flirtatious joke. Who even is he? He’s attempting to flirt with his possible suicidal student. 

“I know you do.” Harry says it so quietly that he almost doesn’t catch it. He does though. Louis bites his bottom lip to keep from smiling. They are quiet for a few minutes. “Are you dating Professor Malik?” Harry wonders aloud. 

“That’s quite an assumption.” Louis snorts. “How do you even know I’m into men?” Harry’s eyes grow wide. 

“I’m-uh, sorry. Didn’t mean to assume.” Louis chuckles at his stuttering. 

“No, I’m not dating Zayn. But yes I’m into men.” He sees Harry’s face visibly relax. He doesn’t know if it’s because he answered Harry’s question or if it’s because he’s into men. Louis doesn’t press the matter further. They are quiet again.

“I’m sorry I missed Senior Literature.” Harry almost sounds like a small child in trouble. 

“There’s no need to apologize, Harry. It happens to the best of us. I missed a lot of classes in uni when I was a student. Especially since you’re a senior.” Louis answers as careful as he can. 

“You were angry with me for being late.” Harry says matter-of-factly. Louis’ heart sinks. He feels awful for upsetting him.

“I wasn’t angry. Not at all. I just wanted to know what was up. I promise I won’t ask about it again.” Harry’s faces falls into a frown.

“I like it when you talk to me. It makes me feel like you care about me- I mean your students.”

“I do care about you.. I mean, I care about all of my students.” Louis responds. 

The doctor comes to Louis’ aide. He cleans his wound and puts the stitches in his eyebrow. The entire time Harry is silent. He liked it better when Harry was talking. It made Louis feel better to hear his voice. The doctor is finished in no time. He retreats to the other side of the room to tend to another patient.

“I know this probably sounds fucked up but I’m glad you came in here tonight. I probably would have lost my mind without you here.” Harry mumbles. Louis’ heart actually hurts. The sadness in Harry’s tone makes him want to cry. 

“I’m glad I can be here for you, Harry. Did you, uh, come in here alone?” Harry shakes his head.

“No. My roommate, Liam, drove me here. He wanted stay but he had to go to work.” 

“How are you getting home then?” Louis inquires.

“I’m, um, not.” Harry replies solemnly. Louis gives him a confused glance and urges him to continue. Harry takes a deep breath. “They are admitting me.”

“You look okay to me? You’re all stitched up and ready to go home.” 

“They are putting me on a 72-hour psych hold.” Harry responds. He sniffles once. Louis hopes he didn’t make him uncomfortable for telling him about it.

“Oh.” That’s the only word he can physically get out of his mouth.

“Yeah.” Harry says quietly. They are silent for a few minutes.

“That’s nothing to be ashamed of. If it makes you feel better, I had to be admitted once.” He doesn’t know why he’s telling Harry this. He’s not told many people about it period. He can sense that this is what Harry needed to hear in that moment. 

“Thanks.” Harry says, voice no more than a whisper.

“Everybody needs help sometimes.” Louis tells him. He feels like such a hypocrite because he doesn’t take that advice himself. A woman appears and informs Harry that it’s time to go up to the psych ward. Harry slowly gets up off of his hospital bed. He stops in front of Louis and opens his mouth to speak. Nothing comes out. Louis grabs Harry’s hand and squeezes reassuringly. Harry nods slightly and releases his hold. He walks away without another word.


	2. Help

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry and Louis have a conversation about their odd meeting. Louis gives Harry his number. Harry eventually has to use it.

*H*

Harry’s time in the psych ward is a quiet one. He doesn’t talk to many people during his time there. Three days feels like a lifetime when you’re in there. Liam picks him up on Tuesday with a sad smile. Harry is sure that Liam was out of his mind with worry. He made Liam promise not to tell his mom. She would blame herself if she knew where Harry was. That’s just the kind of person she is. He feels horrible to keep it from her. It’s for the best though.

“How are you feeling?” Liam asks cautiously. Harry forces a smile.

“Better.” Liam sighs in relief.

“I’m so happy to hear that, Haz. Did they sort out your medicine?” Harry nods at him.

“Yes. I have to go pick them up.”

“I’ll go with you.” Liam suggests. 

An hour later they are back at their flat. Liam told Niall that Harry had gone with his mom’s for the weekend. He’s so thankful for Liam. He didn’t want anyone else to know. He trusts Niall but Harry knows he wouldn’t take the news well. 

Harry opens the door to his room. The bed is blood free and neatly made. Liam must have cleaned the sheets while Harry was in the hospital. He was so grateful for Liam. He doesn’t know what he would do without him. He knows that he’s probably such a burden in Liam’s life. He’s constantly worrying if Harry is cutting. Harry wants to be better for his friend. He’s going to try. 

Harry lies awake that night thinking everything in his life. This medicine makes his mind foggy but calm and free of those bad thoughts. It’s a new but great feeling. His thoughts wander to Louis. His professor that seems just as fucked up as him. He wouldn’t dare admit that to anyone though. He would never tell anyone about seeing Louis in the Emergency Room. He then wonders if Louis would tell the other English professors about him. About his cutting. About his stay in the Psych Ward. He begins to panic slightly. He’s managed to hide this awful part of his life and he doesn’t want one slip up to ruin the respect his professors have for him. Harry falls asleep vowing to talk to Louis after their first class tomorrow. 

Harry doesn’t get the courage to talk to Louis until Senior Literature. During his entire first lecture, he flashes Harry sad looks. He doesn’t need Louis’ pity. He thought their talk at the hospital went great considering the circumstances. That conversation with Louis is what got him through his stay in the hospital. 

He tries his best to pay attention during Senior Literature, he really does. He ends up rehearsing what he is going to say to Louis for the last twenty minutes of lecture. Louis’ face is still very swollen. His stitches are still in and the left side of his face is bruised badly. It blows Harry’s mind that he still looks beautiful. Louis adjourns class a few minutes early and Harry takes a few deep breaths before standing up.

“Louis?” Harry squeaks. He clears his throat. “Um, can we talk?” Louis looks up from putting things into his bag and his face brightens slightly before regaining composure. 

“Yeah, of course.” Louis puts his satchel over his shoulder. “Would you like to come to my office?” Harry nods and follows him to his office.

The walk to Louis’ office is quiet. Neither really knows what to say to the other. Harry is grateful for the quiet. Campus is busy right now and if they started talking about what they need to talk about, Harry is afraid someone will hear. They finally make it to Louis’ office and he quickly shuts the door behind Harry. 

“You didn’t tell anyone, right?” Harry blurts out. Louis deadpans.

“No, of course not. It’s not my place to say anything.” Harry sighs in relief. 

“Thank you. I just wanted to make sure. Not many people know about that… side of me.” Harry explains slowly. He chooses his words very carefully. 

“Hey… You never have to worry about me saying anything.” Louis reassures. Harry doesn’t know why he’s being so nice to him. 

“Thank you, Louis. I appreciate you being so nice to me. I haven’t done anything to deserve it.” Louis shakes his head and then his face contorts in deep thought. He looks like he’s deciding something in his head.

“Give me your phone.” Louis says suddenly. Harry gives him a puzzled look.

“O-kay.” Harry replies and pulls out his phone from his back pocket. He unlocks his phone and hands it to Louis. 

“I’m giving you my number. I want you to call me whenever you feel alone. You can call me any time and I’ll answer. You remind me of me. Of how I was… How I am.” Louis punches his number in Harry’s phone and hands it back to him. Harry looks at him in shock.

“Really?” Harry asks with wide eyes.

“Yeah, Harry. I think you’re a great person. You just have demons. I have demons too. Maybe talking about our issues will make us feel better.” Louis gives him a sweet smile but it doesn’t quite make it to his eyes.

“Thank you.” Harry whispers. He feels like he could cry. He has Liam and his mum but he doesn’t talk to them about what goes on in his head because he doesn’t want to scare them. Talking to Louis could really help him. He could really help Louis too. 

The next few weeks for Harry are better than he expected. His medication seems to be helping a lot more than he thought they would. He’s not had a panic attack since his stay at the hospital. He talks to Louis after class everyday but has not used his number yet. He almost wants to for reasons beyond his mental health but he doesn’t want to ruin whatever it is they have. Harry considers them friends. At least he hopes they are friends. Louis is funny and can easily distract him from his thoughts. 

It’s now Friday after his last class. His class with Louis. Harry offers to walk Louis to his office. Thankfully, Louis accepts and he is not humiliated. They walk quietly for a few minutes. There’s undeniable tension between them but he can’t pinpoint why.

“So… What are your plans for the weekend?” Harry asks, trying to make conversation. 

“I’ve got so many papers to grade. I’m probably just going to have a quiet night in.” Louis looks exhausted today. He’s still massively attractive but he looks to be struggling today. He’s got bags under his eyes and they are bloodshot. He’s also moving slower than normal. “What are your plans?”

“I want to go dancing tonight.” Harry says. Harry glances at Louis and he is smiling at him.

“You dancing? I’m sure that’s anything but coordinated. With those gangly limbs of yours.” Louis chuckles. Harry pouts.

“Hey! I’m a great dancer. Or at least I’d like to think I am.” Harry is smiling as well. Louis shakes his head slightly, still smiling. “What?” 

“It’s just… Happy looks good on you.” Louis responds. 

Harry begrudgingly heads home. He wishes he could stay with Louis. Even just watching him grade papers would keep him content. Louis seemed in a rush to head home. He must have really been tired. The more Harry thinks about it, maybe he could have been hungover. Harry doesn’t know him all that well yet but the way Louis’ hands were shaking showed signs that Harry is far too familiar with. He doesn’t want to think that right now. He wants to go dancing and have a good time.   
Harry gets home and both Niall and Liam are already there. Ever since his stay at the hospital, Liam has been watching him like a hawk. Harry doesn’t blame him though. If the roles were reversed, he would be the same way. Harry could do without the pity-filled looks though. Both Niall and Liam are sitting on the couch watching god knows what on TV.

“Hi guys!” Harry greets. They both mutter hellos. “I have an idea for tonight.” That catches their attention.

“What do you have in mind, mate?” Niall asks. Liam looks perplexed but a little nervous. 

“I think we should go to a club. I really want to go dancing.” He adds a dimpled smile for effect. 

“Hell yeah, Haz! I’m just glad you’re getting out of the fucking flat.” Niall responds, jumping out of the couch. Harry’s smile falters slightly at his comment but tries to brush it off. 

“Liam?” Harry asks. Liam’s face turns unreadable. 

“Um. I actually have plans tonight.” Both Harry and Niall’s eyes widen. 

“What kind of plans!” Niall asks excitedly. 

“The kind of plans that don’t involve my friends.” Liam finally breaks a smile. 

“Oh my god! You’re fucking somebody! You sly dog.” Niall practically yells.

Niall always gets so excited when his friends have a new sexual endeavor. Sadly, he’s never gotten excited like this for Harry because he’s never had one. 

“Oh shut up, Ni.” Liam says, his face growing shades of red. 

“Who is it?” Harry asks. He was curious who finally got Liam out of his rut. 

“There’s no way in hell I’m telling either of you.” Liam says with a smirk and saunters off into his room. 

Harry and Niall discuss details of where to go clubbing. Niall has many suggestions and is getting very excited to go out. He is such a partier so the fact that Harry wants to go out is a miracle. Harry retreats to his room to get ready. His hair is such a mess but it’s at the length that nothing he does is going to tidy it up. He puts on a button down shirt, long sleeved of course. He goes with a bright colored shirt to mix it up a bit. He keeps the black skinny jeans on that he was already wearing. There’s a knock on his door. 

“Come in.” Liam walks in.

“How are you feeling?” Liam asks. He looks hesitant. 

“I’m fine. Good, actually.” 

“You’re not just saying that to get me to leave, right? If you want me to cancel my plans to come with you and Niall, I will.” 

“Li, no. For once I’m telling the truth. The meds are working. I actually feel like I can breathe again. I want you to go through with your plans. You deserve it more than anyone.” 

“I’m so happy to hear that. You have no idea. I was worried sick about you. You’re my best mate, Haz.” Liam closes the distance between them and pulls Harry into a hug.

“You’re mine too, Li.” Harry says into the nape of his neck. They separate. “Are you going to tell me who you’re going out with now? You know I’m not a loud mouth like Niall.” Harry jokes. 

“Well… it’s a guy actually. He’s a few years older than I am. And it’s completely casual. It’s more of a.. Fuck. Not a date or anything.” 

“_Liam_!” Harry exclaims in surprise. 

“What!” 

“I would have never played you for a friends with benefits type.” 

“Guess I’m full of surprises, Haz.” Liam jokes, playfully nudging him in the ribs.

Harry and Niall arrive at the Blue Room a few hours later. They made sure to go get food first to coat their stomachs for the night of heavy drinking they were sure to have. Niall invited a few of his friends that Harry didn’t know. Niall introduced them as Shawn and Josh. Both men are very attractive but not Harry’s type. 

Niall rushes them to the bar to get liquor in their bodies. Harry doesn’t drink often but he figures one night isn’t going to hurt anything. He orders something fruity while the others order shots of bourbon which makes Harry want to throw up just thinking of it. 

The first few hours there aren’t as awful as Harry thought they were going to be. He ordered four other drinks along with the few tequila shots that Niall convinced him to take. Being out of his flat and not feeling like he wants to die feels really nice. He gets slightly uncomfortable when Josh introduces him to a girl but he plays it off nicely and she doesn’t stay around long. 

During the third hour is when he alcohol really hits him. His speech starts slurring more and more and all he wants to do is dance. He doesn’t bother telling Niall and the others where he is going because they weren’t paying much attention to him anyway. All they were worried about was finding a pretty enough girl to leave with tonight. Harry liked that he wasn’t obsessed with hooking up. He never had ‘hooked up’ before but he thinks that even if he did, he wouldn’t actively seek it out. 

Harry walks onto the large dance floor that is crowded with drunk patrons. He obviously doesn’t have anyone to dance with so he starts shamelessly swaying his hips to the music. His foggy mind wanders to Louis. He wonders what his professor is up to right now. He said he was going to have a quiet night in but maybe he has to say things like that because he was Harry’s professor. He wonders if Louis is with someone right now. Seeking comfort in a man’s arms to ward off loneliness. Harry wishes that he could seek comfort from loneliness in Louis’ arms. He wishes he didn’t have such a desperate crush on his professor. He wishes he didn’t have such an obvious crush on a man. 

Harry shakes his head out of his thoughts and continues dancing. He looks around the room to hopefully find the familiar face of Niall but instead he sees Louis. Or at least he thinks it’s Louis. He’s several people in front of him but this man has the same hair and skin tone as Louis. He feels like his mind is playing a cruel joke on him because he was just thinking about him and how cute he was. But what if it is really him? What would be the odds of that? Seeing his attractive professor and somewhat friend out dancing at the same club. 

Harry doesn’t have a clear head because of all of the alcohol so he makes a beeline for the man who could be Louis. Being the drunk mess he is, he almost falls into him so Harry rests a stabling hand on the man’s lower back.

“Well hello, Mr. Professor. Fancy meeting you here.” Harry whisper-yells into his ear. 

The man becomes very still and turns around in horror. This man is not Louis and looks incredibly disgusted. Harry drops his hands down to his sides immediately.

“What the fuck was that?” The man yells. So loud that a few patrons turn their heads in curiosity. 

“I’m- I’m sorry. I thought you were someone else.” Harry stutters out and stumbles backward and away from this man. 

“You were trying to hit on me.” The man spits out in disgust. “I’m sorry pal, I’m not a fag like you.” 

His words hit Harry like a freight train. He rushes off of the dance floor and exits the club. He shouldn’t have been so careless and stupid. Now this complete stranger knows that he’s gay. He’s disgusted by the sight of Harry. So many of his awful memories of the use of that word runs through his head. His heart starts pounding a mile a minute and his breathing increases. He can’t seem to get air into his lungs. The never ending voices in his head won’t shut up about how disgusting he is. How he shouldn’t be alive. How no one would miss him.

Tears start to fall down his cheeks. He has to get out of here. His flat is a thirty minute walk. He needed to get home to where his thoughts could attack him in private. He didn’t want anyone else to see how pathetic he is. He needs to cut. He needs this pain to go away. He starts running in the direction of his flat. 

After about ten minutes of vigorous running, he stops abruptly. He didn’t want to cut anymore. He wanted to be stronger than his demons. He remembers that Louis gave him his number and told him to call him any time that he needed him. Harry needed someone. With a shaky hand, he scrolls through his contacts until he finds Louis’ name. He presses ‘call’ and brings his phone to his ear. After four rings, Louis picks up.

“Hello?” Louis answers. Harry takes his first fresh breath of air since he was at the bar. 

“Louis?” Harry breathes out. He hates how weak and defeated his voice sounds. 

“Harry? Are you okay?” His words are slurred. He was drunk. 

“Um…” He tries to talk but his voice gets stuck in his thought. “No. No, I’m not.”

“What happened?” 

“I don’t want to be alone right now.” 

“I’ll be right there. Text me your address and I’ll be there as soon as I can.” Louis says and hangs up the phone. 

*L*

After Louis and Harry walked together when Senior Lit was finished, Louis felt good. He was happy that Harry had been doing so well and actually looked happy. For Louis, it was a different story. He didn’t want to go home and grade papers. He lived alone and he always drank himself into oblivion when he was alone. He decides to call Zayn and see what he is up to.

“Hey Zaynie.” 

“Louis!”

“I was wondering if you were doing anything tonight. I don’t really want to grade papers.” Louis felt desperate but Zayn is used to this.

“I’m sorry, mate but I’m meeting someone tonight.”

“A date?” Louis is curious to know who it is. 

“Uh, I wouldn’t call it that. It’s casual.”

“Z, I swear to God. Is it a student?”

“No, you dickhead. I don’t exclusively go after students.”

“So you promise it’s not a student?”

“Well, former student. He graduated last year. And he wasn’t even an English major so it hardly counts.” 

Louis scoffs. He knew there had to be some kind of loophole. At least Zayn couldn’t lose his job over this. “You’re a fucking idiot. You know that, don’t you?”

“I love you too, Lou. I’ll call you after.. Everything. If you haven’t completely lost your mind grading papers, I could come over?” Louis knows that he’ll already be halfway finished with a bottle of whiskey by the time Zayn will be finished. 

“Yeah, sure Zaynie.”

Louis glances at his phone to see that it’s already ten o’clock. He barely even blinked, it seems, and now most of his night was over. With each drink of alcohol he’s consumed, the slower it is taking him to read each paper. Teaching is the one thing that he loves and is passionate about so he doesn’t want to fuck it up. Unfortunately, he thinks he’s officially too drunk to grade anymore papers.

“Fuck.” He curses to an empty room. The silence of his flat gets to him. He decides to call his sister, Lottie. 

“Hey, sis.” He sighs happily into the phone when she picks up. 

“You’re drunk.” She states. She doesn’t sound angry, she sounds like that’s what she was expecting. 

“Not drunk, Lots.” She scoffs. “I’m not.” He’s lying to her though. The room had started to spin with the last drink he’d taken.

“What do you need, Louis?” She sounds exhausted.

“I… How is everyone?” 

“They’re fine… They ask about you a lot. You can visit, you know? Just because mum--”

Louis cuts her off. He doesn’t even want to hear her say it. “I know I can. I’m busy with school.”

“You weren’t teaching in the summer and you didn’t come visit. That’s not a valid excuse.” Lottie says matter-of-factly. 

“I’m.. dealing with a lot right now.” 

Lottie laughs bitterly. “Yeah, we all are, Louis. I didn’t abandon our family though, you did. I don’t drink my problems away, you do. You shouldn’t have left us. Especially when you did. I’m sorry, big brother but you don’t have my sympathy.” And she hangs up the phone.

Louis stares at the dark screen of his phone for what seems like hours. He hated himself for leaving his family but he had to after what had happened. One of the many reasons he drinks so much is because he abandoned them. He grabs his glass of whiskey and stares at it in contempt. He hated being a drunk but it was the only thing that numbed the pain anymore. He sighs loudly and drinks the rest of its contents. 

After a little while of drowning in the silence, he is startled by his phone lighting up and vibrating. The number is unknown. He contemplates whether or not he should answer it or not. 

“Hello?”

“Louis?” It’s Harry. He’d recognize that voice anywhere. He sounds panicked. 

Louis’ phone call with Harry ends just about as fast as it starts. He is going to Harry’s flat. He starts rushing around his place to get dressed. He rushes to the bathroom and splashes cold water on his face. He needed to sober up at least a little bit in order to be at all helpful to Harry. Speaking of sobering up, he’s too fucked up to drive and the address Harry sent said he is a thirty minute walk at least. 

To calm his nerves, he walks to the kitchen on his way out and grabs his flask. He makes sure to fill it up all the way. Just in case. He does manage to spill it all over himself. He curses loudly and slams the door shut. 

The walk to Harry’s flat takes much longer than he expects. It might be because he’s drunk and stumbling to follow his Google maps but it feels like it’s been an eternity when he finally gets there. He’s about to knock on the door to Harry’s flat when he realizes the door is cracked open. He knocks anyway before letting himself in.

“Harry?” He calls out and scans the room. He finds Harry laying on the floor in the middle of the living room. He searches the wall to find a light switch and turns a light on. When he does, he sees Harry has a box cutter in his hand. “Harry.” He repeats.

When he still doesn’t answer, Louis walks closer to him. Harry is frozen in place and staring at the box cutter like he’s contemplating what he should do next. Louis inspects him to make sure he hasn’t already cut. Thankfully he hasn’t. Louis crouches down and then lays next to him. He makes sure to keep a little distance between them but makes sure they are eye level.

“You don’t have to say anything but just listen okay?” He knows his words are slurred but there’s nothing he can do about it. He probably shouldn’t have taken a few swigs of his flask during his walk over. Regardless of the current state of his speech, Harry still nods.

“Okay.” Harry whispers.

“I’m so proud of you.”

“Why? I haven’t done anything for you to be proud of.” Harry’s voice sounds hollow; emotionless.

“You _have_. So many things. First of all, you called me. You needed someone and you asked for help. That’s progress already. Secondly, it took me entirely too long to walk here and during that whole time, you managed not to cut yourself. Harry… That’s amazing.” Louis looks right into his eyes. Harry’s are glassy with tears that have yet to spill from his eyes. He shakes his head like he doesn’t believe Louis. “I mean it.” 

Harry’s only response is to drop the box cutter on the floor next to him reach for Louis’ hand and intertwine their fingers together. It catches Louis off guard but is also comforted by the sentiment. They stay like that for a long time. Louis starts to think that Harry has fallen asleep. 

“Thank you for coming here. You didn’t have to.” Harry whispers. His voice sounds more alive than earlier. 

“Of course I had to, Harry. I told you I wanted to help. You’re amazing.” Louis stops what he’s saying immediately. He can’t believe he just said that. “I mean… You’re so strong. It took so much courage to call me and I’m so glad you did.” They are quiet for a few minutes.

“Can I ask you something?” Harry asks.

“Yes.”

“Do you drink by yourself a lot?” Harry’s question hits Louis like a ton of bricks.

“No, not really.” He lies. Harry nods to himself. More silence falls upon them. “Do you cut often?”

“I haven’t since we saw each other at the hospital. But before then? More than I care to admit. Sometimes the demons take over my head and I can’t breath. Cutting is the only thing that lets me breath again. The only thing that makes me feel nothing. No worthlessness, no panic.” He pauses. “You probably don’t understand that. No one does.” It’s quite the opposite. Louis could relate so much. Instead of cutting, he just drank himself silly. 

“I do understand.” Louis retorts quietly. He realizes that they are still holding hands so he slowly pulls their hands apart. “How are you feeling?”

“Better. So much better. Thank you.” 

“I better get going then. I’m sure it’s far too late. When do your roommates come back?” 

“Neither will be coming back tonight. Niall is probably staying at his friend’s place and Liam has a fuck buddy that he met with tonight.”

“Are you okay with being alone?”

“I probably could be.” Harry sighs. “But I don’t want to be. Will you stay with me?”

It’s awful for him to think but Louis is relieved that Harry asked. He hates being alone. He hates drinking his demons away. Part of him was also scared of leaving Harry alone. 

“Of course, Harry. Anything you need.” He moves to sit up from the floor when his flask clangs against the hardwood flooring. Harry’s eyes grow wider for a split second before returning to normal. 

“Thank you.” Harry murmurs. Louis smiles to himself.

“You’re welcome, H. Do you have a blanket I could sleep with on the couch?” 

Harry flashes a bewildered expression. “You can sleep in my bed, you know? It’s big enough for both of us.” 

That’s are terrible idea. An absolutely awful idea that could quite possibly lead to so many bad things. Jesus, Louis must really be that drunk because Harry has never shared with him his sexuality. “Um.”

“Please, I don’t really want to sleep alone.” 

Louis couldn’t say no to that even if he tried. Harry looked so exhausted. Not to mention, so, so sad. Louis would do anything to put a smile on that boy’s face. He doesn't know why he would bend over backwards for him, but he would. He really would. Something about Harry just speaks to him. It seems like something in Harry’s life makes him feel not worthy of love or kindness but if anyone in the whole world deserves all of that, it’s Harry.

“Okay, yeah. I suppose that would be alright.” His response does grant him a small smile from Harry and he knows he made the right choice. Louis excuses himself to the restroom before they go into Harry’s bedroom. He quickly drinks the rest of the whiskey in his flask and heads into Harry’s room. It helps him sleep.

The lights are already off. The room is so dark that Louis can barely see. 

“Harry?” 

“Hmm?” 

“I can’t see you.” 

“Follow my voice.” Harry’s deep voice is so inviting. Louis walks forward him until he bumps into the side of the bed.

“Shit!” Harry chuckles at that and reaches out for him. 

“I got you.” He says once he has a firm grip on Louis’ side. 

A shudder runs through Louis. Harry is incredibly close to his bum. Louis shouldn’t be thinking these thoughts. It’s the alcohol thinking for him. He squirms slightly so Harry moves him in the direction of the bed. 

“I grabbed you a pair of sweats if you want to throw them on.” He hands them to Louis and he slides them on as quickly as possible. 

“Thanks.” 

Harry is the first one to get on the bed. Thankfully, Louis’ eyes have adjusted to the dark so he can see which side to go on. Harry’s bed is a queen size so both can sleep there comfortably. 

Suddenly Louis feels really nervous. Harry is his student. It’s completely inappropriate to be sleeping in his bed. It was also completely inappropriate to give his phone number to him but Louis did that anyway too. God, he was treading on thin ice. 

“Well, goodnight Louis. Thanks again for staying.” Harry says quietly, breaking Louis from his thoughts. He glances over to Harry who is getting situated under the covers. 

“Goodnight, Harry.” 

Louis wakes up the next morning feeling very disoriented. His head is throbbing from all of the alcohol he drank last night. He opens his eyes when he feels like his head won’t explode. At least he is startled to not know where he is but then all of the events of last night flood his mind. His phone call with his sister, Harry, laying on the floor for hours. 

He stiffens when he realizes he has his arm around Harry’s torso like he’s the big spoon. His mind is saying ‘shit’ on a loop. If he moves, Harry could wake up. If he doesn’t move, Harry will eventually wake up and wonder what the fuck is going on. 

He eyes Harry to make sure he’s still asleep. He is. Louis does a once over of the room and his surroundings when Harry’s arm catches his eye. Harry must have slipped on a short sleeved shirt when Louis was in the bathroom last night. His cuts are on full display. Louis saw them at the emergency room but not this close. With the sunlight in the room, he can see every cut on his arm. Some straight and certain while others are jagged and questioning. His skin is littered with both white and pink scars. There are more white scars which momentarily puts Louis’ mind at ease. That is, until he spots what has to be the cut that landed him in the emergency room. It is so deep that it looks like it’s still healing. It’s an angry red color. It’s completely crazy but Louis has an urge to touch them. Only as a reassurance that Harry is okay and not as fragile as he looks.

He gently moves his hand closer to Harry’s forearm. He takes one more glance at Harry’s face. He’s still sound asleep and looks so peaceful. At least the demons don’t haunt his dreams too. He never looks so at peace when he’s awake and that breaks Louis’ heart. Louis reaches his index finger out and ghosts his finger across his scars. His skin is soft but the scars are jagged and bumpy against Louis’ finger. He continues to trace each scar like he’s willing every reason for these cuts out of Harry’s head. He finally gets enough courage to trace his finger across the newest one. It must still be sore because Harry twitches the second Louis touches it.

“What are you…?” A very groggy Harry asks. His body tenses under Louis. 

Louis jumps up from the cuddling position he was in and gets up from the bed. “I’m so sorry.”

“Were you… touching my scars?” Harry rubs the sleep from his eyes and then also gets up from his bed. He rushes to his closet and pulls on a long sleeve shirt to hide the scars. 

“I, uh, yeah. I’m so sorry. It was completely out of line for me to do that. It’s just--.” Harry cuts him off.

“It’s okay. It just took me by surprise. No one has ever touched them except for me before.” 

Embarrassment seaps throughout Louis’ entire body. He was such an idiot to think touching someone else’s scars would be acceptable. “I should go.” 

“No!” Harry says automatically. “I mean, if you really want to.”

Louis stands there in silence for several seconds. An important question creeps into his head. He’s already dug himself into a huge hole so why not dig it deeper. “Harry?”

“Yeah?”

“Why do you do it?” Harry gives him a puzzled look.

“Do what?”

“Cut yourself.” Harry takes a moment to give him an answer. His face flashes with several emotions like he doesn’t know what to say.

“The same reason you drink so much, to numb reality.” Louis knows Harry didn’t mean that in a negative or malicious manner but those words knock the wind out of him. Wow, he feels like a piece of shit. How obvious was his drinking problem? Did everyone know? 

“I should go.” Louis mutters and walks out of Harry’s flat without another word.


	3. Agreement

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry and Louis feel comfortable enough to share their issues with each other.

*L*

Louis walks home as fast as he possibly can. Those words stung him so much. He did numb his reality. He numbs his reality because of how truly broken he is. There is a void in his life and he would never be the same. He can’t believe how much Harry saw through the fake self that he shows everyone around him. Harry is the only one that sees his demons. He’s sure Harry can see them because he has demons of his own.

The first thing Louis does when when he gets home is opens a new bottle of whiskey and pours himself a drink. It’s barely noon and he’s already planning to get so drunk that he can’t stand. What was his life coming to? He is pathetic. No wonder his family hates him. No wonder Harry could see right through his ‘happy teacher who has it all together’ facade. Harry probably thinks he’s a wreck. Why should Harry take his advice when he’s not even taking his own? He’s such a hypocrite.

Louis falls asleep after a few drinks. He wakes up a few hours later from a nightmare drenched in sweat and crying. He doesn’t cry often. Whenever he feels like he’s going to, he drinks until the urge goes away. He wipes the tears from his eyes and picks up the bottle on his nightstand. He walks to his bathroom and turns on the shower. Having no shame, he brings the bottle with him. He loses track of time in the shower and also loses track of how many swigs he’s taken out of the bottle.   
After officially becoming a prune, he exits the shower. He dries off quickly but doesn’t bother putting on any clothes. It was the one perk of living on his own. He realizes that he hasn’t looked at his phone since he got home. He doesn’t even know where he put it. With his bottle in hand, he searches his apartment. His phone is in the kitchen, probably left it there in favor of the booze. He grabs his phone and sits down on the couch.

Looking through his phone, he sees he has three missed calls from Zayn and seven texts from Harry. He isn’t in the mood to talk to Zayn. His date probably went amazing last night and he didn’t want to hear about it. He knows that makes him a bad friend but he wanted to wallow in his self pity today. 

**From Harry: I’m sorry, Louis. That came out totally wrong. **

**From Harry: Please talk to me. **

**From Harry: I’m an absolute idiot. **

**From Harry: Just ignore everything I said earlier, okay?**

**From Harry: So I guess you’re ignoring me?**

**From Harry: I take that as a yes.**

**From Harry: I’m sorry.**

Those texts break Louis’ heart. He knows Harry didn’t mean anything rude by his comment. He said it like acceptance. Like he understands. Louis shouldn’t have left in such a hurry. That only makes him want to drink more and so he does. It’s only a little after five in the afternoon and he’s completely plastered. The kind of plastered where it is a struggle to get up from the couch. He sits there for a while, contemplating whether he should text Harry back or not. 

He doesn’t know how long it’s been but he is brought out of his thoughts by a knock at the door. He sets his bottle on the coffee table and stands up. It is a struggle to stand up and even more of a struggle to stay up. He finds a pair of shorts and throws them on. He figures the person at the door is Zayn because he never called him back and Zayn always demands to be paid attention to when he has good news. He unlocks the door without paying much attention.

“I’m sorry, Zaynie. I was going to call you back when I--” His slurred words stop abruptly when he sees that it’s not Zayn who is at the door. “Harry?” 

*H*

Harry felt like a complete idiot when Louis walked out without even a word of goodbye. Why did he let those words slip out? It was stupid and irresponsible of him. Of course Louis is going to be sensitive to basically being called an alcoholic. He didn’t mean it offensively. He knew alcoholism too well. He only wanted to see if Louis knew it was a problem. If Louis’ reaction to the response was any indication, he did. 

Harry began to panic slightly the more he thought about that encounter with Louis. How could he say something like that to Louis when he had been such a sweetheart last night. No one has ever been so helpful when calming his thoughts like Louis had been. Liam helps, of course, but it normally takes him awhile to bring Harry out of his head. Not Louis though. Just his presence made Harry calm down. 

He doesn’t get to wallow in his panic for long because Niall comes home. This only adds to his stress. He realizes that he never told Niall that he was leaving the club. He actually never told him anything. He walks out to the living room to apologize.

“Hey, Ni.” 

“We all thought you died, mate. Where did you end up running off to last night?” Thankfully Niall is always his carefree self and is not bothered by much. 

“I, uh, wasn’t feeling well and decided to call it a night. Where did you end up staying?” 

Niall perks up at his question. “I shagged last night.” 

“No way!” Harry playfully rolls his eyes in disbelief. 

“I swear! This girl is gorgeous, Haz. Like I even asked for her number this morning. I actually want to see her again.”

“I think you have a crush.” Harry says, chuckling.

“Oh, fuck off.” 

Niall and Harry talk for a few more minutes about the night before until Niall excuses himself to go take a shower. Harry feels slightly better about not upsetting Niall but still feels shitty as a whole. He pulls out his phone and texts Louis. Twice. He stares at his phone for five whole minutes but nothing comes. He sets his phone down and pouts. He was an idiot.

Liam comes home within the hour with a puppy dog smile. He only comes home with that smile when he’s gotten laid. 

“Have a good night?” Harry asks. Liam’s smile grows bigger and his face breaks out in a blush. 

“You could say that.” 

Harry pats the couch next to him. “Come sit. I want to hear all about it.”

Liam chuckles but does as he’s told. “I’m afraid I won’t be able to share many details with you. Most of them are X-rated.” 

“Liam!” Harry exclaims, covering his mouth with his hands for emphasis. 

“Oh, hush. I warned you last night that’s how it was going to be.” He pauses. “Speaking of last night, how was your guys night with Niall?” 

Harry sighs loudly. “It was okay.” Liam’s eyebrow raises for him to further elaborate. “I accidentally did something dumb and I had a minor panic attack.”

“Harry… Why didn’t you call me?”

“You were busy. And besides, I called somebody else.” 

Liam looks confused. “Who?” 

“Um, my professor. Professor Tomlinson… Louis.” 

“What? I’m going to need you to explain everything right now.” 

Harry explains every last detail to Liam, aside from the fact Harry was attracted to Louis. He explained the first day they met, the emergency room, Louis giving him his number, last night, and this morning. He expressed his confusion and sadness about this morning. 

“Text him.” 

“I already did. Three times.”

“One more time wouldn’t hurt.”

“What if he still doesn’t respond?” Harry asks with a frown.

“Do something drastic. Like go to his apartment and talk to him. Talking face to face is always better anyway.”

“I don’t know where he lives.” 

A small smile etches its way onto Liam’s face. “I know someone who does.”

Liam makes a call to an unknown person who apparently knows where Louis lives. They are on the phone for awhile and Liam is quietly speaking to whoever is on the phone. He’s smiling a lot. Harry heads to his room to give Liam some space. 

He looks at his bed that has both sides of the covers drawn down. He still can’t believe Louis slept over. In his bed, too. He never had anyone sleep next to him, let alone waking up to that person cuddling him. The moment was certainly ruined by Louis touching his hideous scars but it still happened. He loved that Louis was the one cuddling him. Harry is taller but he loved how protected he felt in Louis’ arms. He felt like nothing could ever hurt him, including himself, as long as Louis was there. He really needed to fix things with him. 

Harry sends Louis another text. He’s being clingy but he can’t help it. Shortly after, Liam walks in looking rather smug.

“I got the address.” 

“No way! That’s amazing, thank you.” He hugs Liam and heads to the shower. 

He spends a long time in the shower. He conditions his long hair until it’s nice and soft. He didn’t want to look like a complete bum showing up, unannounced to Louis’ house. This was such a dumb idea but he wants to talk to Louis. He wants to apologize. He sends him two other texts for good measure but has still not received a reply. He must really be mad at him. 

He throws on some clothes; a long sleeve shirt as usual. He looks into his mirror and runs a hand through his unruly hair. He gives himself a good, long look. He normally never gives a shit about his appearance but he wants Louis to think he at least tries to look nice. 

“Good enough.” He mutters to himself. 

He grabs his phone and bids his roommates farewell. Liam wishes him luck on Harry’s way out. Harry doesn’t have a vehicle so he pulls up Louis’ address on Google maps. It is about a thirty minute walk. Part of Harry is thankful for that so he can rehearse what he is going to say. The other part of him hates having that much time in his head. 

He finally makes it to Louis’ building. He finds his flat number and stands outside the door for a few minutes. What if he’s not home? Or worse, what if Louis turns him away? He shakes the thought away and knocks on the door. No one answers immediately but he hears movement inside. The door opens.

“I’m sorry, Zaynie. I was going to call you back when I--” Louis looks up to see that it’s Harry. His eyes grow wide. It is obvious that he is drunk. His words are slurred and he reeks of booze. He’s also only wearing a pair of shorts. He’s completely shirtless. Harry gulps. “Harry?”

“Hi.” He answers weakly. 

“What are you doing here?” 

“I wanted to apologize in person. I’m sure you’re super mad at me but I just wanted you to hear how sorry I was.” 

Louis blinks at him several times; his face expressionless. “Do you want to come in?”

“Okay.” Harry is very surprised. Maybe Louis is just so drunk that he doesn’t realize he’s inviting him in. 

Louis stumbles to the living room and plops on the couch. There is a mostly empty bottle of whiskey on the coffee table that Louis snatches in his hand. He takes another drink. Harry doesn’t think he needs anymore alcohol. 

“Am I the reason you’re drinking so much?” The words slip out. He shouldn’t have asked. Louis’ face softens.

“No. I’m just fucked up. And like you said earlier, I drink to numb reality. Well, my reality sucks.” He goes to take another drink of the liquor but Harry places a hand on his hand gently to urge him to stop. Louis just stares at him. His eyes are bloodshot and wild from the alcohol. He looks to be contemplating whether to defy Harry and take another drink or obey and put the bottle down. Thankfully, he puts the bottle down. “I have a question.” He slurs.

“Yeah?” 

“How did you know I was a… know that I had a drinking problem?” Louis doesn’t sound nor look mad, just curious to know how Harry saw past the bullshit .

Harry takes a deep breath. This answer would open wounds he didn’t know he was ready to tell other people. It’s Louis though. He knows he trusts him. “My father was an alcoholic… I, uh, know the signs.”

Louis tenses. His eyes get watery like he’s about to cry. “Harry… I’m so sorry.” 

“Why? You haven’t done anything.” 

Louis shakes his head. “I’m a worthless piece of shit. I’m trying to help you get better but I’m reminding you of your father.” Harry reaches towards Louis and rests a comforting hand on his leg. 

“Stop that. You aren’t worthless. I wouldn’t be over here if it bothered me that much.” He grabs Louis’ hands in his own. Louis’ hands practically disappear in Harry’s large ones. “Look at me.” Louis does. “You are the only person who calms me down. I don’t understand how you do it. You turn off the many thoughts in my head and help me breathe again.” Louis squeezes his hands. 

“You make me not want to numb reality.” Louis whispers. 

Harry has never felt his heart pump in this way before. A nervous crush type of heartbeat. He’s never wanted to kiss someone this much before. It was the most inappropriate time to do so. Or this is the perfect time. Harry doesn’t know. He’s only kissed one guy before and that ended in disaster. 

Harry moves closer to him. “Lou…” Louis also moves closer. 

“Harry.” 

“I’m gay.” Harry admits. He doesn’t know why he said it but it needed to be said. He’s never told anyone that. He’s never said it aloud before. It felt so good to say. Louis doesn’t seem fazed in the slightest. 

“And that’s okay.” Louis whispers, moving even closer. 

Harry really wants to kiss him. Louis is also drunk and he doesn’t want to take advantage of him. “You’re drunk.” He whispers. Louis’ face drops for a moment. 

“That doesn’t mean I’m not thinking clearly about this.” 

Should Harry believe him? Louis makes that decision for him when he moves his hand to Harry’s cheek and pulls him closer until their faces are inches apart. Harry’s heart is beating so fast. He closes the distance between them and kisses Louis. They both sigh contently. Louis’ lips are warm and soft and he tastes like whiskey. The normally bitter alcohol tastes sweet on his lips. Louis opens his mouth to deepen the kiss. Harry tentatively runs his tongue on Louis’ bottom lip and that is all the push the smaller man needs to kiss him hard and passionately. Harry’s kissing experience is very limited but Louis is by far the best kisser. Louis has a few days worth of scruff that is rubbing on his smooth skin in all the right ways. He feels a burning desire in the pit of his stomach that he’s never felt before towards another person. Of course he masturbates and has had orgasms before but never towards another person. Louis abruptly removes his lips from Harry’s. He opens his eyes in confusion. 

“Do you not want to kiss me?” Harry’s insecurity bubbles to the surface.

“I do.” Louis’ breathing is labored. He spends a few seconds catching his breath. “But I want to sober up a bit before I kiss you more. I don’t want to be drunk for this.”

The sentiment warms Harry’s heart. He sits up from the couch and walks into the kitchen. He rummages the cabinets until he finds a glass. He pours water into the glass and brings it back to Louis.

“Drink.” Harry commands. 

Louis obeys and chugs half of the glass. “Will you stay tonight?”

“Of course I will, Lou.” 

“I’m tired.” Louis murmurs. Harry glances at his phone and it is only a little past six. 

“We have a little time before we should sleep. We can at least go lay down and maybe cuddle?”

“I’d like that a lot.” 

Louis stands up from the couch with the glass of water in his hand. He offers Harry his free one. He guides Harry into his bedroom. He has a king sized bed that looks nice and comfortable. Louis lays down first. He motions with his arms for Harry to join him so he does. Louis wraps his arms around Harry. 

“I like to be the big spoon.” Louis mutters.

“You’re the only person that I’ve cuddled with but I like being the little spoon.”

“Really?” Louis asks and nuzzles his face into Harry’s long, messy hair. “You’ve only cuddled with me. Aren’t you like 22?” 

Harry gets self conscious. He knows that he’s a “late bloomer” when it comes to romance and sexual things but he’s lived his life so guarded. Until now. His guards are slowly falling down with Louis. “Yeah. I just, uh..” He doesn’t know what to say. Louis brings his hand to his cheek and turns his head so that they are face to face.

“Hey.” Louis pecks him on the lips. “It’s okay. You’re okay. I’m not judging you. I’ll never judge you. I’m just curious to know why.” Harry steals another kiss from Louis. 

“I’d basically have to tell you my life story.” Louis gives him a reassuring kiss.

“I’m listening.” 

Harry takes a shaky breath. What he’s about to talk about he’s never told anybody. His own mother doesn’t know a good chunk of it. This is nerve racking. 

“I’m sorry.. I’ve just never told anybody.” Louis kisses him again. Louis’ lips help calm him down. Basically everything about Louis calms him down. He’s afraid that once Louis knows, he’ll treat him differently. He’ll treat him like he’s even more fragile than he already is.

“It’s okay, H. You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want.” His lips linger on the side of his cheek. “If you tell me your story… I’ll tell you why I’m so fucked up. I’ve never told anyone my full story either.” Louis’ words put him at ease.

“Okay.” Harry agrees. Louis kisses him in response. 

“Okay.”

“I told you that my father was an alcoholic. He had been since I was in grade four because he lost his job. My mum started working three jobs to make ends meet. My father gave up on his job search pretty quickly. Once he gave up, he started drinking. He drank so much. He didn’t start out bad but as the years went by, he became a mean drunk who blamed his problems on his family. It was mostly me he took it out on. My mum was always at work and my sister was a few years older than me so she avoided the house as much as she could. He started hitting me when I was in grade six.” Louis tightens his grip on Harry. It's like he wanted to remind Harry that he was safe.

“It started as a smack here and there but it progressed slowly. If I even looked at him funny some days, he would hit me. He was a smart man though because he made sure to leave bruises where others couldn’t see. I couldn’t tell my mum. She was already working herself to death so we could keep the house. Knowing what my father was doing would crush her so I kept my mouth shut. This continued until my freshman year. I was never allowed to have friends over but my mum convinced him that my friend could come over. The thing was, this friend was more than a friend. He was my first and only boyfriend. His name was Aiden. Well, that night my mum and sister were out of the house so it was just my father, Aiden, and I. He was very rude to Aiden. Because of this, I took Aiden to my room pretty early. One thing led to another and he kissed me. We were kissing for awhile and I didn’t notice my father had come into my room until he was throwing Aiden off of me. Aiden hit his head on the floor and was knocked unconscious. My father went crazy that night. He beat me nearly to death. The whole time screaming that I was a fag and that I was going to burn in hell. My mum came home to see the state Aiden and I were in and put two and two together. She called the police and turned my father in. I spent a week in the hospital because of my injuries. I had several broken bones and my spleen had ruptured so I was rushed into surgery. I could have died. My father was arrested and sent to prison. He’s still in prison for what he did to me. He thankfully didn’t have time to tell my mum or sister about why he nearly beat me to death so they don’t know I’m gay. You’re actually the first person I’ve ever officially told.” 

“Oh Harry.” Louis sniffles into Harry’s neck. His neck is damp. Louis is crying. Harry didn’t want him to pity him, he just wanted Louis to know his story. 

“So now you know why I cut myself and why I’ve never gotten close to anyone ever again.”

“You cut to forget?” Louis asks. Harry shakes his head.

“I cut because I’m already so damaged. I cut because I’m worthless. I don’t deserve to be loved or have happiness. Why else would my father beat me and never any of my other family members?” Louis starts kissing the line of his jaw. 

“You aren’t worthless. You are worth so much. You deserve both love and happiness. Your father did that because he was a drunk and needed to take his problems out on somebody else. That is in no way your fault. Just because you’re damaged doesn’t mean you don’t deserve any of those things. I know it isn’t much but I think you’re amazing. I can see your sadness and pain in your writing for class and you have such a talent, Harry. The words you put on a page brings me to tears more times than not. You’re incredible.” Harry doesn’t know how to take any form of compliments so he kisses Louis. He kisses him with all the emotions he is feeling right now. Louis kisses him back with the same amount of emotion. The two boys kiss like they are debriefing from the secrets Harry just shared. Neither stop kissing the other for what feels like a long time. It feels so natural for Harry. He hasn’t kissed someone in a very long time so now that he is, he doesn’t want to stop. Louis’ lips are so inviting. Harry is the one to break the kiss because a thought creeps into his mind. 

“Will you tell me your story?” Harry whispers and kisses Louis’ nose. He is quiet for a few minutes. Harry thinks he has upset him by being so intrusive. He really starts to freak out when he feels Louis shaking against him. “You don’t have to. I’m sorry I asked, Lou.” 

He hears Louis sniffle. “I want to tell you.” His voice cracks with emotion. It sounds like he’s trying to keep the tears in. “I just don’t ever talk about it. Even thinking about telling it makes me want to go get my whiskey.”

“Then don’t. I don’t want to make things harder for you.”

“Harry, I told you I would. And to be honest, I need to acknowledge that it happened. I can’t keep living in denial.” Louis moves Harry closer to him so that Harry is laying on his chest. 

“I’m listening.” He whispers. Louis’ bare chest is scorching hot, probably a mixture between all of the alcohol he’s consumed and his nervousness. Louis lets out a dry laugh.

“Alright, I might as well start with when I was born. Hold tight, H. You’re about to hear my life story.” Harry remains quiet. He knows this is a huge moment for Louis and he is only making jokes and using humor as a coping mechanism. “I’m the oldest of seven children. My mum--” Louis stops and sniffles before continuing. “It was just my mum and me for the first few years of my life. My dad left before I was born. My mum worked her ass off to provide for me. She eventually met my first step-dad, Mark. They got married and had four of my siblings. Charlotte who we call Lottie, Felicite who we call Fizzy, and the first set of twins Daisy and Phoebe. My step-dad was great. He was the father I never had and he help my mum out so much. We were a happy family for a long time. Eventually, my mum and Mark got divorced. She was such a supermum, honestly. We all lived with her and she was basically providing for five kids on her own. Mark helped of course but she still did anything and everything to keep us happy and healthy.” Louis pauses and sharply intakes a breath. 

“It was just my mum, the girls and I for a few years until she met Dan. My mum was completely smitten for Dan. They quickly married and had twins, Ernest and Doris.” Louis pauses again. His breathing becomes rapid and he starts shaking again. The only thing Harry can think to do is kiss his chest reassuringly. “So this is the part of the story where things start to suck. Um, about a year later, my mum was diagnosed with cancer. Stage four cancer to be exact. The doctors said her options were limited and the odds of her surviving were slim. My mum went to chemo everyday anyway. She was such a fighter.” His words cut off from the tears that were now erupting out of him. “Sorry. I can do this... She put on such a brave face for all of the kids but I knew how much pain she was in. She was my best friend, Harry. And she… and she--” Louis starts crying so much that he can’t continue his sentence. He holds Harry tighter and he does the same. 

“She died.” Harry answers for him. This only caused Louis to cry more. His body is shaking violently. Harry sits up and situates Louis on his chest so he could hold the crying man. He lets Louis cry. He’s sure that this is one of the first times Louis’ let himself do it. After fifteen minutes or so, his cries start to calm down.

“Yeah… She died.” A sound escapes his throat like a whimper. “I was holding her hand when she stopped breathing. She was telling me that my life was going to go on without her in it. She made me promise to be there for my siblings and one of the last things she said to me was ‘Darling, just hold on. The world turns no matter what and that’s with or without me in it. I love you, Boobear.’” Louis starts crying again. Harry holds him as he cries and slowly runs his fingers through Louis’ hair. “I didn’t keep my promise, Harry.” 

“Why not, Lou?” Harry continues to pet Louis’ hair because it seems to be calming him down little by little.

“I was so distraught and broken over her death that I just.. Lost the will to live. I drank myself into oblivion the first few days after. I don’t even remember her funeral. I was supposed to be there for my siblings but instead I was selfish and numbed the pain. I guess I made a scene at the end of the funeral and ran out. I remember going to the liquor store and buying more alcohol and I just walked around in my hometown until it was dark. My memory is touch and go but I remember coming to a bridge.” Louis pauses again. Harry’s heart is breaking for him. He can’t imagine losing his mum. He kisses the top of Louis’ head. “I climbed over the edge and stayed there for a long time. I don’t remember how long. I wanted to jump. I didn’t want to live in a world where my mum didn’t exist anymore. Someone noticed that I was hanging on the wrong side of the railing so they called the police. I don’t remember much but they talked me out of it. Remember I told you that I had also been to the psych ward before?”

“Yeah, I remember.”

“Well, this was why. They must have sedated me because I don’t remember anything after climbing back onto the road. I woke up in the Psych Unit. I was there for a little over a week. They said I could leave after three days but I was basically comatose so I didn’t speak to them. I didn’t speak to anyone. I was pumped full of pills. That was the last time I think I’ve been sober for a week, H. That sounds so bad but that’s how I’ve coped. So I got out of the hospital after a week and my family was furious. I was of age so the hospital was only required to contact my emergency contact which was my mum so technically no one knew where I was because no one answered my mum's phone. As far as my siblings knew, I had abandoned them for a week without a single word. I felt awful that I worried them so much. I was such a shit brother to them after our mum died. I decided that day that they were better off without me screwing them up even more. I left that night and moved to London full time. I went to school here but dropped out for a year when my mum was sick. I re-enrolled and got my degree. Looking back, I don’t know how I did that. My sister Lottie was stuck taking care of the others so she never got to go to college. She’s still in Doncaster taking care of the two sets of twins that are still underaged. I feel awful for leaving and not fulfilling my mum’s promise. I’ve ruined so much. I feel so guilty that I haven’t been back to see my family since. I don’t know if I could ever step foot back in my mum’s house.”

“Oh, Louis. I’m so sorry.” Harry doesn’t know what else to say. Nothing he could possibly say could make Louis feel better about the death of his mum.

“Thank you for listening. No one knows all of what I told you. I think I really needed to say it out loud. I don’t think I’ve ever actually said the words ‘my mum died’ until now.” Louis hugs into Harry’s torso, warmth spreading throughout his body. He liked feeling so close to another person but he especially like that that person was Louis.

“Thank you for listening to me, too.”

*L*

Louis is awoken the next morning to the sound of pans crashing to the ground. He looks around his room in confusion. It takes him a minute to remember the events of the night before. Harry must be the reason for the loud noises coming from outside of Louis’ room. He realizes that he’s shirtless so he scurries around the room to find a shirt. 

“Shit, shit, shit.” He curses to himself. He and Harry kissed last night. The awful part is that Louis enjoyed it. He wanted to kiss him more. He can’t do that though, not ever again. Harry is his student and now he’s crossed the line between helpful and inappropriate. Maybe Harry will feel the same way about it and stay friendly, not romantic. “God dammit!” He curses even louder. He told Harry everything about his life last night. Everything! He actually cried. He hasn’t cried like that in years. What is Harry doing to him? It’s almost like Harry is forcing him to feel every emotion he’s tried to numb the last three years. He feels lighter; like a weight has been lifted off of his chest. 

Louis exits his bedroom in search for Harry. He finds him in the kitchen. He is on the floor with several of Louis’ pots and pans. He is frowning to himself. “You okay in here?” Louis’ voice pulls him out of his head. He looks at Louis.

“Yeah. I’m sorry I woke you. I was going to make you breakfast.”

“You don’t have to do that, H.” Louis’ heart swells at the sentiment but he can’t allow Harry to be this overly nice to him. He doesn't want him to get the wrong idea. Hell, Louis already did that when he kissed him last night. 

“I want to. I’m a decent cook so I thought it would be a nice thing for you to wake up to. Sucks I’m too clumsy to not drop anything though.”

Louis allows Harry to cook them breakfast after Harry practically begs. He makes them omelettes. Louis can’t remember the last time he had a home cooked meal like this. While Harry is cooking, Louis sets the table. They sit at the table to eat and everything feels so normal and natural with Harry around. 

“I was hoping we could talk about… everything.” Harry says in the middle of breakfast. Louis feels himself tense up. He knew he was going to have to talk about their kiss eventually. 

“Okay.” 

“I was thinking about everything when I woke up this morning. I think we’re good for each other.” Louis immediately opens his mouth to say something but Harry holds his hand up as if to ask to continue. “I mean that in a mental health kind of way. Neither of us had told anyone our stories up until last night. We barely know each other. Why would we open up like that?”

Louis thinks about that. Harry’s right. They don’t know each other that well at all. “We feel safe.”

“Exactly. Both of us have a lot of issues we’re working through. We both have demons. We’re so similar, Louis.” The curly headed boy had a point. He never felt so connected to a person. He never felt so open and accepted. He felt like he could tell Harry anything and he wouldn’t bat an eye differently at Louis. 

“I agree.. But what are you getting at?” Everything Harry is saying made sense. He just didn’t know why he is saying it.

“I think we should make a sort of mutual agreement.”

“Okay… Like what?”

“I guess helping each other. I help you not drink as much and you help me not cut anymore.”

“I like that idea but how are we going to know what the other is feeling?” Louis asks.

“If you feel the urge to drink, you call me. If I need the urge to cut, I call you. I think it could work, Lou. I’ve never felt so comfortable and… safe around someone before. I feel like I can tell you what’s in my head no matter what and you won’t judge me.”

“I’d never judge you. Ever. And most likely, those same thoughts are going on in my head as well. I feel the same way. Truly.” Harry smiles at Louis’ words.

“So do we have a deal?” He asks eagerly.

“Yeah, H. Of course we have a deal.”


	4. Slip Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry receives an unexpected call and Louis helps him through it in unexpected ways.

*H*

Harry had that gut feeling that this agreement between he and Louis was going to work out and he was so right. It has only been two weeks since they discussed the terms of their agreement in the middle of breakfast. Since then, they spend most of their time with one another. Louis teaches his classes per usual. It’s weird to be in his classes now that Harry has kissed him. They haven’t talked about the kiss. It’s almost like it never happened. He wishes Louis would acknowledge that it happened just so it isn’t the elephant in the room. Even if Louis told him he strictly wanted to be friends, Harry wouldn’t mind; he just needs to talk about it. 

Harry decides to subtly bring it up to him when Louis is finished with his classes on Thursday. He is finished a few hours before Louis is so he heads home. The whole walk home is spent going over what he is going to say to Louis. He obviously has a crush on Louis. How could he not? Louis was one of the most wonderful people he’s ever met in the world. That being said, he doesn’t want to ruin their budding friendship. Maybe the kiss was what they both needed in that moment. They are both adults, sometimes that happens. 

By the time he gets home, his thoughts are even more jumbled than before. He immediately walks to his room, not even checking to see if his friends were home. He needed to figure out exactly how the conversation is going to go. He needs to be honest. If he’s not honest with Louis, this kiss is going to eat him up inside.   
Harry is distracted from his thoughts by a knock on his bedroom. It startles him so he doesn’t respond.

“Harry? You okay in there?” It’s Liam. 

“Yeah, sorry. Come in.” Liam does as he’s told and opens the door.

“Why the long face?” 

“Just a lot on my mind.” Harry mumbles. Liam frowns.

“You know you can talk to me, right?”

“Yeah.. I know. Just, uh, not about this.” 

Liam’s face falls. “I get it. I’m here if you need me.” He turns towards the door.

“Li!” Harry calls frantically. He didn’t mean to upset his best friend. Liam turns around again and looks at him expectantly. “I didn’t mean it like that. There’s just some… things about me that you don’t know. Some things that I’m not ready to tell you. Or anyone for that matter.”

Liam walks to Harry’s bed and sits down. “Haz, I’m sorry. I just thought you were shutting me out again. You know, I’d never pressure you to tell me but just know I’m here if you ever want to talk about it..”

“Thank you.”

“You know I’d never judge you, right?” Liam asks, searching Harry’s face for doubt.

“I know you wouldn’t. It’s just an insecurity thing. I’m working on it.” 

“And you’ve been doing so well lately.”

“Yeah?” Harry asks, almost hopeful. 

“Yeah. I’d like to take all of the credit but I know it’s not just me. Louis’ been helping you a lot I take it?” Harry’s lips flutter into a smile at the sound of Louis’ name. All Harry can do is nod. Liam had no idea how much Louis has helped him the past few weeks. “Well, good. I’d love to meet him sometime.” Liam says and puts a reassuring hand on his shoulder. 

“You look nice. Are you going somewhere?” Harry asks, finally taking in his best friend’s appearance. Liam actually blushes. 

“Uh, yeah. That’s why I originally came in. To tell you that I’m not going to be home tonight. I have a date.” 

Harry cocks his eyebrow in curiosity. “Is this the same guy from a few weeks ago?” Liam smiles.

“Yeah.”

“I thought things were just casual between you guys.” 

“So did I but I think we both are starting to genuinely like each other. At least I am. And I know that he’s different with me because he doesn’t fuck someone more than a few times before moving on.” 

Harry grins at his friend from ear to ear. He is happy that Liam is finally getting the happiness he deserves. “Will you please tell me who it is? I’m dying to know who’s making my best mate so happy!”

“Soon. We’ve agreed to start telling people once we figure out exactly what’s going on with us. When we do start telling people, you and Niall will be the first ones to know.” Liam says and starts fidgeting impatiently. He looks like he doesn’t want to be away from his mystery man for one more second. 

“Don’t let me keep you any longer from your date. I’ll be alright. I’m just waiting for Louis to be finished with classes and then I’m going to his flat to study. Go on, lovebird. I’ll see you tomorrow.” Liam gives him a quick hug and promises to talk to him about his date tomorrow. 

Harry is so happy for Liam. He also admires him so much. Liam came out to him as bisexual Harry’s freshman year. It was a simple conversation that Liam felt comfortable sharing with him. Part of him was envious of his best friend because he was comfortable enough with who he is to be out and proud. Harry wanted that so bad that sometimes it physically hurt him thinking about it. 

Liam leaves the flat shortly after their talk. Harry realizes that his chat with Liam had subsided his worry about his conversation with Louis. They are adults and whatever they decide is the best route for them is fine. 

Harry’s phone vibrates once. Niall’s name flashes on the screen. 

**From Niall: Just letting you know I’m not gonna be home tonight. Staying with my lady friend.**

Harry chuckles that his silly friend and replies. He lets him know to be safe with a winky face. It’s unlike Harry to joke like that. Normally that is something Niall says but he’s in a much better mood. He sets his phone down and heads to his closet. He wants to look cute tonight. If he’s going to talk to Louis about their kiss tonight he should at least look cute. It sure wouldn’t hurt his chances of Louis liking him back. 

After a few minutes of destroying his closet trying to look for an outfit, his phone vibrates. He figures that it’s Niall replying to his text until it vibrates again, signifying that it’s a phone call. Harry runs to his phone to pick it up. The number is unknown. He answers it anyway incase it is an emergency.

“Hello?” 

“An inmate from Thorn Cross Prison is trying to contact you. Do you wish to take a call from ‘Des Styles’?” 

Harry swears his heart stops when he hears his father say his name. Harry quickly presses ‘end’ and drops his phone on the bed. His dad is trying to contact him. His father hasn’t tried to contact him once since his incarceration. A revelation hits Harry as he continues to think. Thorn Cross Prison is the prison inmates are sent to when they have less than two years left on their sentence. Could his father be contacting him because he’s being released soon?

“No, no, no.” Harry repeats over and over. If his father gets out of prison and finds him, he would kill him for being the reason he went to prison. How did he get Harry’s phone number? If he has his phone number then he could easily find out where Harry lives. A continuous stream of tears leave Harry’s eyes. It is becoming increasingly hard for him to breathe. What he needed right now is Louis. 

He picks up his phone from the bed and finds Louis’ contact as quickly as possible. It automatically goes to voicemail. He completely forgot that Louis was still in class. 

He is full on hyperventilating now. This can’t be happening to him right now. Life has been going so well for him the last few weeks. Louis has made sure of that. Why did the one person that has made him the way that he is have to try and contact him? If his dad tries to find him once he’s released from prison, what would happen to Louis? His dad would immediately catch on to Harry’s crush on Louis. It would be a repeat of Aiden all over again. 

His body starts moving before his brains realizes why. He gets on the floor to reach under his bed. He grabs his small box full of razors and box cutters. He was doing so well not to cut since his stay in the psych unit. Harry doesn’t know what else to do. He can’t breath and can’t think clearly. His thoughts are clouded with images of his father beating Louis to death and he can’t handle it. 

He opens the box and pulls out a brand new box cutter. He pulls his sleeve up as far as he can and runs the box cutter in a line along his skin. There’s a slight sting at first but his body immediately relaxes. His breathing slowly returns to normal. 

He sits there on the floor for a long time. His forearm is bleeding steadily but he lets it bleed. The blood seeps onto his jeans and the floor. He can’t believe he cut again. He was doing so well. He’s a cutter, though, and that coping mechanism just doesn’t go away. Even when he doesn’t cut anymore that will still be who he is. No tears are falling anymore. He feels numb to everything. He isn’t really thinking about anything either. He’s sitting there in silence, staring into the abyss. He has no energy to think right now. 

Harry doesn’t know how long it’s been since he’s been on the floor but the blood on his arm begins to dry. He rests his head on his bedside table feeling like an absolute failure. He realizes in this moment that he’s going to have to explain this to Louis. He’s going to be so disappointed in him. As far as Harry knew, Louis’ only had a drink a day and that was only to make sure his body didn’t go into withdrawal. Louis is trying so hard for Harry and he shit on all of his hard work for three seconds of numbing. 

He is startled from his thoughts when there is a knock on his front door. He doesn’t have the energy to get up off of the floor and answer. He’s sure it’s no one important anyway. Shortly after, there’s another knock. Harry stays where he is. He hears his phone begin to vibrate on his bed. He blindly reaches on his bed searching so the phone He finds it and thankfully it is Louis calling this time and not his father. Harry presses ‘answer’.

“Hello?” Harry’s voice is drained and void of emotion.

“H?” Louis asks, his voice full of worry.

“Hm?”

“I’m at the door. Will you let me in?”

“Yeah.” Harry mumbles and hang up.

Harry picks himself up from the floor and is a little dizzy. There is blood on the floor and on his black pants. Not to mention, there is dried blood all over his forearm. He slides his shirt back down his arm to hide what he has done. He walks to the front door and opens it. Louis has a smile on his face that immediately turns into a worried frown when he sees the state Harry is in. Harry’s eyes are puffy from crying and his face is blotchy from being so worked up. 

“Jesus, H… What happened?” Louis asks, rushing into the flat. He runs a comforting hand up and down his left arm. Harry immediately tenses when Louis grazes past his fresh cut. Louis look at him knowingly. He doesn’t look upset or disappointed, just worried. “Did you cut?” His voice is calm.

Harry can’t find words. He physically can’t speak. He knows if he does, he’ll start hyperventilating again. The only thing he can think to do is pull his sleeve up enough to expose the cut.

“Oh, Harry.” Louis whispers. He looks like he could cry at the state of his arm. 

“I’m sorry.” Harry croaks out. He doesn’t feel bad for hurting himself. He’s done that more times than he can count. He hates that he’s upset Louis. He doesn’t want to cause Louis any pain whatsoever. 

Harry is caught by surprise when Louis pulls him into a hug. “Don’t ever apologize for the way you’ve managed to cope all of these years, H. We just need to find some other way to get rid of your pain, okay? I do too. That’s why we have this agreement, remember?” Harry nods. Louis’ voice is very soothing and relaxing to him. “Do you mind if I clean that for you? I don’t want it to get infected.” Harry nods. Louis begins searching random places in the flat such as the kitchen for supplies to clean Harry’s arm. After a few minutes, Harry can’t have him looking blindly anymore. 

“I have a kit under the sink in the bathroom.” Harry manages to says; his voice no more than a whisper. 

“Okay, H. Thank you. Wait for me on the couch?” Harry does as he’s told and sits on the couch patiently.

Louis returns seconds later with the box of bandages and a bottle of peroxide to clean his cut.He sits down next to Harry on his left side and gently puts Harry’s arm on his lap. Carefully, he dabs the cut with peroxide. Harry winces the first time the peroxide makes contact with his skin but quickly gets used to it. Both boys are silent; the only sound in the room is the sound of their breathing. Louis’ is calm and leveled while Harry’s is a bit more erratic considering his current state.

After properly disinfecting the cut and cleaning the dried blood off of his forearm, Louis places gauze on the wound. He grabs bandages from the box and successfully covers the wound. He puts the extra materials back in the box and shuts it. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” Louis asks quietly. Harry immediately begins to panic as he starts thinking about his father again. Louis pulls him into a hug which Harry gladly accepts. “I’m sorry. Shh. Calm down, it’s okay H. You don’t have to tell me anything if you don’t want. We can just sit here if that’s what you want to do.”  
Harry relaxes almost immediately to Louis’ touch and soothing voice. His only response is to snuggle further into the crook of Louis’ neck. Even Louis’ scent is calming to him. Which is a perfect mixture of coconuts, musk, cigarette smoke, and a dash of sweat. Louis starts petting his hair gently. Harry sighs contently at the simple touch. They stay like this for several minutes, neither Harry nor Louis wanting to let go. 

Harry is the one to pull away first. He feels much more relaxed but he remembers a mess he needs to attend to. He starts to stand up from the couch when Louis gives him a puzzled look.

“Where are you going?” 

“I, uh, just remembered I left--blood on the floor. I don’t want it to stain so I should go clean it up.” Louis stands up with him. He gently brushes a curl that’s in Harry’s face behind his ear.

“I’ve got it, H. Sit down and relax, okay?” Harry doesn’t have the energy to protest so he nods his head and sits back down. Louis asks where the cleaning supplies is which Harry gives him a detailed description to where they are so he doesn’t have to stand back up. Louis thanks him and retreats to where the supplies are. 

The first few minutes alone, Harry is fine. His thoughts are at a minimum and he’s patiently waiting for Louis to return. The longer it takes Louis to clean up, the more anxious Harry is getting. He doesn’t know why the thoughts of his father beating Louis to death continue to plague his mind. That thought hurts him more than his father beating him to death. Louis means so much to him and to put him in harm’s way absolute breaks him into a million tiny pieces. His mind returns to the fact that his dad could possibly be getting out as soon as tomorrow for all he knows. He’s not spoken to his father once while he’s been in prison so he truly doesn’t know when he’s being released. His mum doesn’t like to discuss it either so he’s completely in the dark about it. That’s what causes Harry such anxiety; the unknown of the situation. His father could easily find him. 

Harry starts crying again. At first it is a tear here and there but as the thoughts in his head continue to pester him, the tears become a continuous stream. With each thought of having to face his father again, it becomes harder and harder for him to breathe. He can’t go through this again, he really can’t. He’s not strong enough to face his father again. Harry’s a grown adult now but he knows if he sees his father again he will feel like that helpless boy he would beat for giving him a funny look or handing him the wrong type of beer. 

Harry curls up in a ball on the couch and puts his head between his knees. He hates that his father has this much power over him. He wishes he was stronger and that his father didn’t bother him anymore. Harry is hyperventilating so loudly that he doesn’t even notice Louis returning to the living room. 

“Harry.” Louis whispers once he’s next to him on the couch. Harry doesn’t answer. He couldn’t speak even if he tried. He stays with his head between his legs until Louis gently leads him into the sitting position. “What can I do?” Louis’ voice is frantic. It sounds like he could start hyperventilating, too because he doesn’t know how to help Harry. 

Harry looks into Louis’ eyes. They mirror the other; both full of panic. Louis is panicked because he desperately wants to help Harry but he doesn’t know what to do. Harry doesn’t know what to do either. When he gets like this, the only thing that stops it is slitting his arm and there’s no way that Louis would allow that. 

“Make it stop.” Harry begs, his chest heaving up and down rapidly. 

“I don’t know what to do, H. Tell me want to do.” 

Harry’s tears continue to fall. He looks at the other boy desperately. He hates that he’s causing Louis anxiety too. “Anything.” 

Before Harry can grasp what is happening, Louis’ lips are on his own. His body immediately relaxes and his breathing slowly begins to normalize. Louis’ hands are cupping Harry’s face and wiping away the tears. 

It’s like a switch is flipped inside of Harry the seconds their lips touched. Once his breathing is at a normal pace, he kisses Louis back with all that his has. His hands roam to Louis’ shirt and he absentmindedly balls it in his fists. Louis’ tongue slips into his mouth without a second thought. His body has no time to calm down but this is an entirely different kind of worked up. Louis bites Harry’s lower lip which causes a low moan to escape from his lips which is swallowed into Louis’ mouth.   
Harry’s never gotten to explore what his turn ons are since he’s never kissed anyone but Aiden that one time. He learns that having his lip bitten is definitely one of them though. It’s like his body is disconnected from his brain and is working on it’s own violation. Before he knows what he’s doing, he climbs onto Louis’ lap in a frenzy. Louis lets out a surprised sigh but gladly allows it. He detaches his lips from Harry’s only to reattach them on his neck. Harry shudders at the contact. Louis continues to suck and nibble on his neck. It is igniting every cell in Harry’s body. His hips buck into Louis’ lap unintentionally which causes the other man to grunt against his skin. Louis grabs Harry’s bum and grinds him onto his lap again. Harry’s cock twitches in excitement. This is the farthest Harry has ever gone and he wants to keep going as far as he can.

Experimenting a bit, he tugs at the hem of Louis’ shirt. Louis detaches his lips from Harry’s neck and pulls his shirt over his head in one swift motion. He throws the clothing on the ground next to him. Harry marvels at Louis’ perfectly toned chest and torso. He didn’t pay much attention to it the first time he saw Louis without a shirt on, but he’s littered with tattoos. He has many on his arms and a chest piece that says ‘It is what it is’. Harry thinks that is beautiful. 

“You’re staring.” Louis whispers, trying to catch his breath. Harry feels his cheeks grow warmer with embarrassment. 

“Sorry.” He mumbles. Louis responds by pressing their lips together once again. Harry will never get tired of kissing Louis. This time around his mouth tastes like peppermint and cigarette smoke which he didn’t know Louis did. It’s intoxicating, though. Everything about Louis is invigorating.

Louis bites at Harry’s bottom lip again which causes him to buck his hips against Louis’ groin. Harry can feel the outline of Louis’ hardening length. Louis retaliates by grabbing Harry’s bum and moving him the way he wants him to. The friction feels so good to Harry. 

With their lips still attached, Louis unbuttons Harry’s shirt. Harry’s breath hitches in slight panic. No one’s ever seen him without a shirt on like this. He pushes the insecurities out of his mind and kisses Louis harder. Louis’ hands are slow with the buttons which only makes the anticipation that much more for Harry. Getting impatient, Harry shimmies the rest of the way out of his shirt. 

Louis breaks their kiss and eyes the man on top of him. Harry starts to feel self conscious of the eyes on him. He absent-mindedly moves his arms to cover his stomach. Louis stops him before he fully covers his body. Tentatively, Louis runs his hands along Harry’s sides, then up his back, then along his shoulders, and lastly down his arms. 

“You’re beautiful, H.” Louis whispers. Those simple words almost cause Harry to cry. His heart swells with emotion. He’s never been called beautiful before and it means so much more that it’s coming from Louis’ mouth. 

Harry never knows how to take a compliment so he thanks Louis by bringing their lips back together. Louis runs his hands down his back and stops at Harry’s bum. Louis’ dainty hands seem to fit perfectly around Harry’s small but perky bum. He wants Louis to keep touching him and he wants to touch Louis. 

He never felt so invigorated before; more alive. He never felt so in control yet completely helpless. He’s so inexperienced and clueless on what to do. Nature only takes him so far with his desires. He has no skills when it comes to this yet. Louis seems to sense this. Harry doesn’t realize it but he’s trembling. 

“I’ve got you, okay? You’re safe and you’re protected.” Louis says while kissing along Harry’s jawline. He immediately feels more relaxed. Only Louis could make him feel this way. 

“I wanna be good for you, Lou.” He whispers and attaches his lips onto the other man’s neck. Louis shudders at the contact. This seems to be a turn on spot for him, too. 

“You are.” 

Harry shakes his head slightly. “I don’t know what I’m doing.”

“Then let me show you.” Louis whispers, kissing him once again. His fingers are intertwined in Harry’s hair. He pulls lightly which causes Harry to moan. He likes that a lot. He grinds his hips with more urgency onto Louis’ crotch. The more Harry grinds, the harder Louis pulls. 

“_Shit._ Feel goods.” Harry whines against Louis’ lips. 

Louis responds by running hands along Harry’s thighs a few times before rubbing against the outline of his cock. Harry’s breath hitches. This is the first time someone has touched his cock, clothed or unclothed. He wants more. So much more. He desperately ruts up against Louis’ hand. 

Harry yelps in surprise when Louis moves both hands back to his bum and effortlessly picks him up. Harry holds on for dear life as Louis walks them to Harry’s room. The room smells of cleaning supplies and disinfectant spray but that’s all an afterthought to him. The only thing on his mind right now is Louis and Louis touching his cock. 

Louis sets him down gently on the bed. He follows quickly after and spreads Harry’s legs to fit between them. He lowers himself against Harry so that their bare chests are touching. Harry gets impatient and reattaches their lips. Harry licks at Louis’ bottom lip to ask for entry which Louis eagerly accepts. 

The kiss becomes heated and desperate almost instantaneously. Neither can keep their hands off of each other. Harry’s never felt so aroused before. Every little touch from Louis unravels him even more. Louis’ hips are moving in shallow figure eights against Harry’s clothed crotch. It feels amazing but it isn’t enough for Harry anymore. He wants to feel every inch of Louis’ naked body. He’s never wanted anything more in his life. 

Harry runs his hands along Louis’ bare back. He bumps his left forearm on Louis’ jeans and he winces. His arm is still so sore. He almost forgot about it until then.   
“You okay?” Louis asks, eyes full of concern.

“Yeah.”

Louis doesn’t seem convinced. “You know we can stop at any time, right? We don’t have to do this.”

Harry wants this more than anything. He can’t help that his forearm is still sore. He’ll have to be more careful not to bump it on anything. His wince had absolutely nothing to do with what is going on between them right now. To further prove his point, he rocks his hips against Louis’. 

“I want this.” Harry tells him confidently. Louis rolls his hips against Harry’s groin in the perfect way which causes them both to moan. “I want you.”

Louis seems to be getting his wits about him because he creates a bit of distance between them. Their chests are no longer touching and neither are their crotches. “This is your first time, H. This is a big deal. Are you sure you want this?” 

Harry nods his head repeatedly. “Yes, Louis. I want this. I don’t want my first time to be anyone else but you. I trust you.” There is no hesitation in his voice. Harry wants this so much. 

“Okay… Tell me if you want to stop.” Harry nods once before Louis’ mouth is back on him. 

They lost some of the momentum they had prior to their talk but is gained back quickly. Eventually, Louis separates their lips and kisses down his jaw and neck. He kisses slowly down Harry’s body until he stops at his nipples. Louis sucks on one of them while rubbing the other nub with his fingers. Harry has always known his nipples were sensitive but didn’t realize how bad until Louis’ mouth is on them. Harry’s back aches in pleasure.

“Lou.” Harry whines. He entangles his fingers in Louis’ hair. Louis’ scruff is rubbing against Harry’s sensitive skin in all of the right ways. Louis moves to the other nipple and swirls his tongue around the sensitive nub. Both nipples are puffy and pink with arousal. They’ve never gotten this much attention before and it’s overwhelming to Harry.

Louis ceases his attack on Harry’s nipples and travels further down his body. He stops at the button of Harry’s jeans. Louis pauses as if to give him time to change his mind. Harry is sure he wants to do this. He wants Louis to touch every inch of him. He wants to touch every inch of Louis. 

When Harry gives no word of protest, Louis slowly unbuttons his jeans and unzips the zipper. Harry bucks his hips up for Louis to pull his pants the rest of the way off. Louis slides the tight jeans down his legs and takes them off one leg at a time. He keeps Harry’s boxers on much to his internal protesting. Louis throws them on the ground and kisses at the hem of Harry’s boxers.

Harry gets a little impatient and unbuttons Louis’ jeans. Harry is painfully hard and is leaking precome in his boxers right now. He needs some kind of relief. He likes that Louis is being gentle with him and taking it slow because it’s his first time, but Harry feels like he’s going to erupt if something doesn’t happen soon. Louis lets him slide his jeans down his thick thighs. He moves on his back momentarily to slide his jeans down his legs. 

“Harry?”

“Hm?” 

“Do you have a preference for how, uh, we do this? I like both giving and receiving so it’s entirely up to you, love.” 

Harry has never really thought about it seriously before. He thinks he would be fine with either. He needs to know how both feels know completely making his mind up on something. He is feeling especially experimental right now so he tells Louis what his heart desires.

“I want you to fuck me, Lou.” Harry whispers by looking right into Louis’ eyes. Louis gulps drly and rubs his hands along Harry’s thighs. Instinctively, Harry’s thighs spread open wider. Louis digs his fingertips into Harry’s sides at his eagerness. 

“Do you own any lube, H?” Louis asks, kissing along the hem of Harry’s boxers making his body feel like it’s on fire. He can tell how much Louis is trying to stay on task and be responsible. It’s becoming increasingly difficult because Louis is now at full hardness and is tenting in his boxers. Harry doesn’t know if Louis is expecting him not to have any lube because he’s a virgin but he’s a young adult male. That should be enough of an indicator.

“Bedside table.” 

Louis climbs off of him and searches for the bottle. It’s right where Harry says it is. He throws it onto the bed and then goes into his jean’s pocket on the floor. When he returns on the bed, he’s carrying a condom. 

_Holy shit_, Harry thinks, _this is happening._

Louis settles himself back in between Harry’s legs and reattaches his mouth on Harry’s skin. Harry’s breath catches him his throat when Louis starts kissing and licking at Harry clothed length. He bucks his hips up towards Louis’ face. There is too much clothing between his cock and Louis right now. Harry hastily pushes his boxers down his thighs. Louis rips them the rest of the way off. It is like he needed Harry’s permission to take them off.

“Harry.” Louis gasps out in disbelief. 

Harry begins to feel self conscious. He doesn’t know why Louis reacting this way. “What?” Heat grows in his cheeks. 

“Fuck-- You’re huge.” 

Louis finally, _finally!_, wraps his hand around Harry’s length. His breath hitches at the new found contact but he quickly sighs in relief. He didn’t know how much longer he could have lasted without Louis touching him. Something in Louis’ eyes changed since his boxers came off. It’s like Louis’ used all of the willpower he has and he can’t take it any longer. There is desperation in his eyes. Louis pumps him in his hand a few times before licking a stripe from base to tip. Harry shudders and a small sound escapes his lips. The heat from Louis’ mouth alone could make him come right then and there. Louis swirls his tongue around the head of his cock. He teases the head with his tongue and it leaves Harry a panting mess.

“Oh my… Fuck.” Harry moans. This all the encouragement Louis needs to finally take Harry in his mouth. He doesn’t take all of Harry in his mouth the first few times he bobs his head up and down because Harry is rather large. Louis, however, adjusts very quickly and takes more of him each time. 

Louis’ mouth is truly sinful. Harry has decided that his mouth is the best thing to ever exist. His mouth is so warm and inviting and continues to expertly work him over. He uses the perfect amount of suction with his cheeks and adds his tongue to unhinge Harry even more. Harry knows he won’t last much longer if Louis continues to work him over this well. 

He feels Louis’ throat open up to take even more of him and that’s when he cries out. His hips involuntary buck towards Louis’ face. He thinks he’s going to be mad that Harry caused him to take more of his cock than he intended but he’s completely shocked when Louis moans onto his cock. The vibrations only intensify the pleasure for Harry. 

Harry makes the mistake of looking down at Louis with his cock in his mouth. That sight alone nearly makes him come. What doesn’t help is that Louis is already looking up at him. His piercing blue eyes lock with Harry’s green ones. Feeling Louis’ mouth on him is one thing, but watching him swallow his cock again and again is almost too much for him to handle. He feels the pool of arousal in his stomach build with each bob of Louis’ head. 

“Lou!” He moans out. His voice is wrecked. He sounds desperate. “Louis. I-I can’t. I’m gonna come.” 

Louis grabs onto Harry’s thigh roughly with one hand and starts using his other one to pump the part of Harry’s cock that his mouth can’t get to. Louis won’t let up. There isn’t anything Harry can do but come down Louis’ throat. His body spasms violently and his cock pulses in Louis’ mouth. His moans bounce through his small room. What is extraordinary to Harry is that Louis swallows everything and doesn’t looks fazed by it. Looks happy, even. 

Once Harry’s cock is softening and too sensitive, Louis slides him carefully out of his mouth. Harry feels completely blissed out and calm after his orgasm. Nothing has ever felt better than the last fifteen or so minutes of his life. 

“‘M sorry.” He whispers. He does feel bad for coming down Louis’ throat without his permission.

“I like the taste of you.” Louis whispers, his voice raw and husky from sucking dick. The words go straight to Harry’s cock. It twitches in interest. He doesn’t know how his cock is already slowly filling up after he’s had an orgasm just minutes ago. 

Louis climbs up Harry’s long body and connects their lips together. It’s oddly satisfying to taste himself on Louis’ lips. Louis’ tongue invades every inch of Harry’s mouth in a frenzy. He feels Louis’ hard member against his bum. His hands act before his brain knows what’s going on. He slides Louis’ boxers down his thighs. Louis kicks them off hastily. 

Louis reattaches their lips and grinds his hips against Harry. Louis’ cock continues to rub against his bum. The only thing Harry wants right now is for Louis to fuck him. He doesn’t think he’s ever wanted anything this much in his whole life. His body pulsates with the need for Louis. The only thoughts in his mind right now are LouisLouisLouis. 

Harry doesn’t know how to convey what he wants so he expresses it through actions. He pushes Louis impossibly closer and locks his ankles together. The other man’s hips sputter against him. Louis’ cock brushes against Harry hole. He moans into Louis’ mouth. Louis grabs his face and kisses him with much more force than before. His other hand roams Harry’s torso. 

Louis runs his hand up and down Harry’s thighs before pushing them down so that he’s spread completely out for him. Harry’s whole body clenches when Louis runs a dry finger against his hole. Harry doesn’t know why but he starts nodding erratically as if to tell Louis that this is exactly what he wants. He couldn’t even think about using words right now. Louis’ other hand reaches for the lube at the edge of the bed. He opens the bottle and looks at Harry for some type of answer. 

“I’m gonna open you up, okay? It may hurt a little bit at first but I’m gonna to open you up as best I can. Tell me if it hurts too much.” Harry nods repeatedly. Louis’ raspy but velvety voice still ringing in his ears. He’s that much closer to having Louis inside of him. “Use your words, H.” Louis urges.

“Okay. I’m ready.” Harry whispers. His voice is breathy but certain. 

Louis pours a generous amount of lube onto his fingers. Harry reflexively clenches when Louis’ middle finger rubs circles around his hole. The lube is cold on his skin. He also doesn’t realize bad he is shaking until Louis rests a comforting hand on his upper thigh. The other man stops what he is doing and kisses him gently on his stomach and then the inside of his thighs. 

“Relax, H. You’re with me and you’re safe.” Just by those simple words, Harry feels himself relax. He still doesn’t understand how simple words coming from Louis immediately put his mind and body at ease. 

Harry cries out when Louis’ middle finger finally pushes past the strong ring of muscle. Louis only pushes his finger to his first knuckle but it still burns. It isn’t exactly painful for Harry, rather it’s uncomfortable and something he isn’t used to. Louis is patient with him and doesn’t move until he sees Harry’s face relax.  
Louis moves his finger in slow and shallow movements at first. He’s tentative and gentle. Harry is grateful for that during the first few minutes. After he’s used to Louis’ first finger, he subtly grinds on his finger. Now that the burn has dissipated, he likes Louis fingering him open. It’s foreign but he likes the way it feels. He wants more. Always wants more with Louis. 

“Can you handle another?” 

“Please.” Harry begs. 

Louis obliges and slides a second finger along with the first. It knocks the wind out of Harry. The burn lasts longer this time around so Louis waits again to move. When he finally starts pumping his fingers in and out of Harry, the slight pain only intensifies the pleasure. A constant stream of moans continue to leave Harry’s mouth. 

Louis continues to stare at him in awe. He looks as if he doesn't believe that this is happening. Harry can relate to that so much. He never thought he would trust someone this much to give them his virginity. He wouldn’t want it to be anyone but Louis. 

Louis scissors his fingers to better open Harry up. His back arches in pleasure. He grinds his hips to meet Louis’ fingers. He feels so in control like this, like he gets to pick the pace and how much he can take. 

“Another.” Harry whimpers. He is getting impatient. He wants to know what it is like to have Louis inside of him, filling him up in the best way possible. 

“Are you sure?” Louis asks. Harry can only nod. He flicks his hips quicker to further prove how sure he is. Louis looks at him with wide eyes. His pupils are blown and his bottom lip is bitten raw. 

Louis adds a third finger but it is such a tight fit that he can’t move immediately. Harry’s face contorts in pain and he bites at his lip to keep any sounds of discomfort from leaving his mouth. Louis senses his discomfort and starts kissing along his inner thighs and up his chest comfortingly. 

The pain becomes bearable after a few minutes so Harry urges Louis to move his fingers. He feels so stretched and open for Louis. Again, Louis curls and scissors his fingers inside of him to prep him as best as he can. 

Harry pulls Louis’ face up to his in a desperate kiss. He likes it better when Louis has his mouth on him. Louis’ lips are full of urgency. The kiss is a disarray of tongues and teeth. 

Harry doesn’t know what comes over him, but he gains a wave of confidence. He grabs Louis’ length and start pumping on it slowly. A high pitched moan leaves Louis’ mouth. He’s been paying so much attention to Harry’s pleasure that it’s almost like he forgot about his own. Harry marvels at the fact he’s got Louis’ dick in his hand right now. It’s not like Harry has any experience but he thinks that Louis has the perfect cock. It’s average in length but above average in girth. He knows that he’s going to feel the effects of taking Louis’ cock up his bum tomorrow. 

Harry is removed from his thoughts by an overwhelming pang of pleasure. He’s never felt this kind of pleasure before. He cries out at the new sensation. He increases his pace on Louis’ cock because that’s the only thing he can think to do. Louis curls his finger again and that same overwhelming pleasure washes over him.

“_Holy fu-ck._” Harry pants out. His hips move desperately towards that intense pleasure. He doesn't know what it is but he never wants to stop feeling it. “Curl your finger.. Like that.” He begs. Louis does everything that Harry asks. 

Louis hips move on their own volition and start thrusting into Harry’s fist. Both are getting desperate to come. Harry doesn’t want to come again yet. He wants to come with Louis inside of him. Louis’ fingers hit that spot dead on one more time and Harry knows that if it continues, he’ll come in no time. He doesn’t want that.

“Lou.” Harry begs. “Fuck me.” Louis’ breath sharply intakes against Harry’s mouth. “Please.” Harry pleads. 

Louis carefully pulls his fingers out of him. Harry clinches on nothing. He doesn’t like being empty. He likes being full of what Louis will give him. And right now, that is about to be Louis’ cock. Harry’s own dick twitches in anticipation. 

Louis grabs at the condom at the edge of the bed. He tears the foil package and slowly slides the condom onto his length. His breathing is rapid, like he’s nervous. He grabs the bottle of lube and pours a generous amount just to be prepared. Louis’ cock is much bigger than his finger so the first few minutes are bound to be extremely uncomfortable. 

“This is probably going to hurt at first, H. Tell me if you need me to stop, yeah?” Louis’ cheeks are flushed and his eyes wild. Harry simply nods. “Words, Harry.” Louis reminds. 

“Okay. I’ll tell you.” 

Louis runs his hands up and down Harry’s thigh a few times. He’s trembling. It’s almost comforting that he is as nervous as Harry is. Louis pumps his length a few times to evenly spread the lube. Louis positions himself at Harry’s entrance. 

Harry unintentionally holds his breath until Louis slowly pushes into him. Louis lets out a sigh. It’s painful. Harry isn’t going to deny that. He’s stretched open more that he thought possible. The more Louis pushes in, the more intense the burn gets. 

“Could you, ah… Pause. Just for a second.” Harry asks. His face is contorted in pain.

Louis brushes a curl out of Harry’s face and kisses him shortly. “Of course, love. Are you in pain?” 

Harry nods. “A little.” He lies. He doesn't want Louis to worry. Or worse; have him think that he can’t go through with it. Louis doesn’t even have half of his cock in him yet and he can’t take it. 

He doesn't realize he’s frowning until Louis engulfs his face in his hand. “Hey, Look at me.” Harry does. “Stop beating yourself up. You’re doing so well.” Harry doesn’t feel convinced. “This is your first time, H. You’re doing better than I thought you’d do, if I’m honest.” He kisses Harry sweetly. “For what it’s worth, I’m really proud of you.” Louis always knows just what to say.

“You can move now.” Harry grits out. 

Louis nods once and slowly eases himself the rest of the way in. Louis moans when he bottoms out. It’s still uncomfortable for Harry but the pain isn’t unbearable anymore. Louis doesn’t move immediately but instead kisses along Harry’s neck and shoulders. It’s like he’s trying to will the pain away and Harry is overcome with emotion. He feels like he could cry. He can’t believe he’s gotten so lucky to have his first time with someone so considerate. 

Harry brushes his hand along Louis’ waist as a signal to start moving. Louis is slow at first; his hips barely working their way back and forth. Harry is thankful for that. With each thrust of his hips, Louis’ momentum grows. His thrusts are no longer shallow. 

Now that Harry is no longer in any pain, he feels amazing. Louis’ cock feels even better than his fingers. It’s hard to contain his moans so he bites the other man’s shoulder to keep quiet. Louis’ breathing is rapid and occasionally a moan will escape his lips. Harry could come just from the sounds that Louis makes. Or the way that he looks when he’s thrusting into Harry. Basically anything about Louis makes him want to come. 

Louis stops abruptly. “Gotta slow down or I’m gonna come.” He moves Harry’s sweaty fringe out from his face. “You feel so fucking good, H.” Harry’s cock spurts precome at the compliment. 

Louis pulls most of the way out of Harry only to thrust back. Harry cries out, the feeling is just too good. “Do that again.” Harry moans.

Louis does as he’s told and repeats his motion and getting the same reaction as before. Louis gains a steady rhythm again but not as relentless as before. Harry is getting greedy and only wants more. His fingers move to Louis’ back and his nails dig into the skin. Louis grunts in response and quickens his pace. 

It’s like the whole world stops when Louis hits Harry’s special spot again. Harry’s whole body shudders and he lets out an obscene moan. Louis does it again to get the same reaction.

“Fuck! Whatever that is, keep doing it.” Harry demands in between pants. 

“That’s your prostate.” Louis answers and flicks his hips just right to hit his prostate dead on. Harry cries out again. 

The constant torture of his prostate is getting too be too much. He feels so overstimulated and yet it’s not enough for him to come. It’s like he’s right on the edge back can’t quite get there. Louis’ hips are getting sloppy and frantic. 

“Lou!” Harry whines. He doesn’t know what he’s asking Louis to do but he needs something more. 

Louis grabs Harry’s cock in his fist and pumps it fast and desperate. Harry doesn’t last thirty seconds before he’s coming into Louis’ fist. A broken moan leaves his lips and his whole body spasms. He clenches around Louis which causes a choked sound to escape him. 

Louis grabs Harry’s hips and thrusts into him, hard and rough. Harry feels so overstimulated but he loves how rough Louis’ being. With four more frantic thrusts, Louis stills. He collides his lips with Harry’s as he rides his orgasm. 

Their lips move languidly against each other until Louis starts to soften inside him. He slowly pulls out. Harry winces at the loss of contact. He liked feeling so full and now is so empty. Louis removes the condom and throws it in the bin next to Harry’s dresser. 

Louis plops down next to Harry. He immediately moves his body so that he’s against Louis’ chest. He feels needy but he can’t help it. He wants to be as close as possible to Louis. He puts his arm around Harry and runs his fingers through his unruly hair.

They lay there for a long time, Harry doesn’t know how long. They are entangled in each other. Both are sweaty messes. The only sounds in the room are the soft breathing between the two boys. Harry wants to say everything that is going through his mind but exhaustion takes over him before he can do so. He falls asleep cuddled against Louis’ side. 

*L*

Louis wakes up to his alarm blaring from his jeans pocket on the floor. He scurries to turn it off. This means having to maneuver his way out of Harry’s gangly limbs. Naked gangly limbs. Louis turns off his alarm and then stares at Harry’s naked body. He looks so peaceful.

Louis’ mind begins to race. He had sex with Harry last night. Even more serious than that, he took Harry’s virginity last night. He was his first everything last night. Louis was so in the moment that he didn’t realize the kind of repercussions this could have on Harry. There’s no way that this can continue. Harry is a student. If anyone found out about last night, he would lose his job. His job is the only thing (other than Harry, honestly) that gives his life purpose. He can’t lose that. He can’t lose Harry either… 

He enjoyed last night, don’t get him wrong. He enjoyed it more than he’s enjoyed anything in a long time. The thing that is upsetting Louis is the fact that it is wrong. He is in a position of power over Harry because he’s his teacher and that’s wrong. 

He can’t push the feeling away that last night felt right. He felt some kind of possessiveness over Harry. The thought of anyone else having him that way made Louis sick to his stomach. He wants to be the only one to ever touch Harry like that. The only one to be inside of him.

On some level, deep down, he knows that having sex with Harry was inevitable. Harry would have never been comfortable doing that with anyone else and Louis would do anything for Harry. He would literally try to move mountains for him if he asked. That’s the scary part for Louis, there is not an ounce of regret in his body. He’s happy that it happened. That is the fucked up part that he needs to sort out in his head. What’s even worse is he has to teach today. With Harry in his class. He doesn’t know how he’s going to teach two classes in front of the beautiful boy that he deflowered the night before. 

He’s pulled from his thoughts when Harry stirs awake beside him. He blinks a few times before his eyes focus on Louis. Harry smiles shyly at him. Louis’ heart begins to beat so hard in his chest that his can hear it in pulsing in his ears. 

“Good morning.” Harry says in his intoxicating raspy, just woke up voice. 

“Morning.” Louis mumbles, getting out of bed. “Should probably be heading out. Class.” He hastily slides his jeans on from the night before. Harry looks at him, his naked body glistening in the rays of sunshine beginning to peek in through the blinds. His face is confused and a little sad. 

“Are you okay?”

“Mhm. Just have a lot to do before class today. I’ll see you in class.” Louis does an awkward wave and high tails it out of Harry’s room. He hears Harry mutter a goodbye on his way out. Louis grabs his shirt and flings it over his body on his way out. ‘I’ll see you in class’?? What the fuck was Louis thinking? That’s the only thing he can say to the boy he just have sex with the night prior? God he’s such a piece of shit.


	5. Distance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After their night together, Louis distances himself from Harry. Neither cope well with the distance. They find their way back to each other one way or the other.

*L*

Louis arrives on campus much earlier than he usually does. He goes to his office and searches for his emergency school flask that he knows he keeps somewhere. He ends up trashing his office trying to find it. It’s in one of his filing cabinets. With shaky hands, he opens the flask and takes a large swig of the warm whiskey. The familiar burn of the liquor rolling down his throat is a welcome feeling. He’s so in his head that he doesn’t even hear the knock on his already open door. He quickly hides the flask behind his back and looks up to see who it is. Thankfully, it’s only Zayn.

“What are you doing here so early? And why are you drinking out of a flask before nine in the morning?” Zayn is trying to keep it light hearted but his face is full of concern. 

“Oh, Zaynie… Hi.” Louis hastily tries to tidy up the mess he’s made. “I just, um… I don’t really know why I’m here so early. Didn’t go home last night.” 

Zayn’s eyes narrow in on Louis’ outfit which is the same as yesterday. “Were you out all night? Are you still drunk?” 

“I wasn’t out drinking. I haven’t had more than one drink a day for the last two weeks. I was at… Nevermind. It’s not important.” Louis is throwing things down in random places at this point. He’s pacing back and forth trying to find new places to put the shit on top of his desk.

“Lou!” Zayn says firmly enough that it causes Louis to stop in his tracks. “Talk to me, mate. You’re fucking frantic right now.” 

“I fucked a student.” Louis blurts out and then immediately covers his mouth. His eyes are wide and he can’t believe he just told Zayn.

Zayn’s reaction is not what he was expecting (or is exactly what he should have expected). He starts laughing. “Welcome to the club, mate!” 

“Fuck off, Z. This is serious. I could lose my job over this.”

“Yeah, and so could half of the professors here. It’s not a big deal. Just calm down.”

“Easy for you to say. You’ve slept with half of the student body.” As soon as he’s said it, he knows he’s fucked up. “Z, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean it offensively. I’m just so fucking in my head right now that I could explode.”

“Who was it?” Zayn lets the comment slide but looks at Louis expectantly.

“Harry.” Louis says, voice no higher than a whisper. 

“I thought so.” He pauses. “Was it a mistake?”

“No! Yes. I don’t fucking know.” Zayn looks at him, urging him to continue. “It wasn’t a mistake that it was Harry. Not at all. Was it a mistake that he’s a student and I could lose my job? Absolutely. I just don’t know what to do. I rushed out of his flat this morning. I barely said two words to him. And after I took…” Louis stops himself from going further. He probably shouldn’t tell Zayn that. 

“You took what?”

“He was a virgin.” Louis whispers. Zayn’s eyes widen like he’s seen a ghost. 

“Jesus! Louis, the fuck were you thinking?”

“I was thinking that I care about him and I wanted it to be me.” Zayn’s expression softens. “I know that’s selfish.”

“You like him.” Zayn states.

Louis shakes his head. “I can’t think about that right now. I have to go class. To go teach the student I just fucked last night. Wish me luck.” Louis says, taking another swig from his flask before putting it back where he found it. 

“It’s gonna be alright, mate. I’ll talk to you later.” Zayn says, patting his shoulder reassuringly.

Louis is twenty minutes early to his Creative Writing class. He even has time to grab a coffee. He’s exhausted from the events of last night and his body needs the caffeine. He’s really dreading the classes he has to teach today since two of the three have Harry in them. He’s not dreading the fact that Harry’s in them because any other day he would look forward to seeing his bashful but beautiful face listening intently to Louis teach. He’s dreading it because he has to teach and he can’t very well do that when he’ll be tempted to daydream about his night last night. 

Harry is late to class. Louis doesn’t know if it’s intentional or not because Harry knows it’s a pet peeve of Louis’. His cheeks are flushed and he’s out of breath. This couldn’t have gone worse if Louis would have tried. Louis’ mouth goes bone dry with just one look at Harry. 

“Sorry, Mr, uh-- Louis.” Harry says in his gruff voice. “Running late.” He is staring at Louis with his emerald eyes. His expression is full of confusion. 

“I can see that. We’re just going over paper topics that are due next class.” Louis’ voice comes out much higher than he anticipates. Harry simply nods and sits down.   
Louis is a stuttering mess for the rest of class. He tries to not think about what he and Harry did last night but that only causes him to think about it more. He tries not to look at Harry which only causes him to look his way even more. Louis ends class early when it becomes unbearable to teach in front of Harry any longer. 

Louis rushes out of the classroom before Harry can come up to his desk. Louis doesn’t even know if Harry had planned on doing that but he couldn’t take any chances, not right now. He still has two classes to teach. His mind is everywhere and he can’t concentrate, not with the sinful things he and Harry did last night on his mind. 

Louis scurries into his office without acknowledging any of his fellow professors. He doesn’t have the patience or mindset to. He shuts the door and walks over to where he left his flask and takes another drink. He is startled by a knock on the door. 

“Come in.” Louis says, struggling to screw the lid of his flask back on and hide it once again. 

Louis stares in disbelief to see Harry standing in his office. Neither say a word for about thirty seconds. Louis doesn’t know what to say to him. He’s been such a dickhead. 

“Hi.” Harry whispers, eyes not leaving Louis’.

“Hi.” 

“You left in a hurry.” Harry points out.

“I did.” Louis mumbles.

“Was it to get away from me?” Harry’s voice trembles at the end of his sentence. 

It broke Louis’ heart that Harry is hurting because of him. He had an overwhelming urge to walk over and hug him. He can’t do that though. He has to say something. He has to tell him that it’s not a good idea to see him outside of school anymore. 

“No--” Louis starts but quickly closes his mouth. “Harry.” He exhales a long breath. “We shouldn’t see each other outside of school anymore.”

Louis watches Harry’s face crumble right before his eyes. “Have I done something wrong?” 

“No, Harry. No. It’s just not a good idea.”

“But… Last night..” Harry begins say but can’t get the full sentence out. Louis wants to cry because of the devastated expression on the beautiful boy’s face. Realization washes over Harry’s face. “You didn’t want to.” 

“That’s not it!” Louis quickly reassures. 

“So you did want it and now that you got it, you don’t want to spend time with me anymore?”

“_Christ!_ Harry, no. That’s not it either.” 

“I thought you were different from everyone else.” Harry says, a frown appearing on his face. 

“Harry--.” Louis tries but is cut off. 

“I should go.”

Louis rushes over to him. He grabs the other man’s wrist. He brings Harry closer to him. “Please don’t hate me.” 

Harry wrinkles his nose. “You’ve been drinking.” He’s not disgusted; he sounds more disappointed and sad than anything else. 

“It’s been a rough day.” Louis replies dumbly.

“Because of me.” Harry answers simply. 

“No. Not because of you. Because of the current situation.” 

“The current situation is me.”

“It’s complicated, Harry. You wouldn’t understand.”

“Tell me, then. Talk to me. Quit shutting me out.” 

Louis shakes his head. He knows he’s being ridiculous right now but he doesn’t want to tell Harry that the reason he needs to stop seeing him is because of work. He knows Harry wouldn’t understand. He doesn’t really understand why he’s making it a huge deal either. He loves his job. Other than Harry, it’s the only thing that keeps him going. He can’t seem to have both. 

“I can’t, H.”

Harry’s face further contorts in sadness. “Fine.” Harry walks out of Louis’ office without another word and this time Louis lets him.

Louis spends the weekend in a drunken stupor. He barely remembers most of it. He didn’t grade papers like he was supposed to or work through his lesson plans for the week. Mostly, he just missed Harry. Harry hadn’t tried to text or call him since he stormed out of Louis’ office on Friday. Louis knows that it’s unfair to want Harry to still try to talk to him. He’s been a complete ass to Harry and he feels terribly about it. 

Louis dodged calls from Zayn all weekend. He knew that Zayn would want to talk about what happened with Harry and Louis can’t bear to talk about that anytime soon. Thinking of Harry at all made him drink. He thought about Harry constantly so Louis was drunk the entire weekend. 

Louis spends Sunday night in the bathroom vomiting until the early hours of Monday. His tolerance for the alcohol had apparently gone down since Harry helped him not drink as much. This was both a good and a bad thing. It was good because that means that Harry was actually helping him but bad because Louis can’t drink the same amount of alcohol this he was used to. He was paying for it. 

Louis wakes up on Monday feeling like death. He only got four hours of sleep and still feels nauseous from the night prior. It doesn’t help the feeling in his stomach that he has to face Harry today. 

Louis stays in bed until the last possible second. When he finally does get out of bed, he feels like he could vomit again so he makes the executive decision that he’s going to cancel class. He sends an email to his students in each of his classes explaining that he’s fallen ill and that class is dismissed for the day. For his Creative Writing class, he assigns a short paper in place of their class today. He tells them to write a short story about their mood today. He makes it due at the end of the day which is pretty shitty of a professor to do but at this point, he doesn’t care. 

After chugging enough water to ensure that he’s not going to throw up, he walks out of his flat and sits down on the sidewalk next to his building. He pulls out his pack of cigarettes and a lighter. He tried to cut back on smoking when he started drinking so much but he picked up the bad habit again when he cut back on his drinking. He lights the stick and takes a long drag from it. 

He smokes two more cigarettes before finally heading back inside. He changes his clothes so that he’s in shorts and an oversized jumper. He goes back to his bed and cuddles himself into the covers. He falls asleep soon after. 

Louis wakes up a few hours later feeling even less rested then the first time he woke up today. He had a dream about Harry. Actually, it wasn’t a dream. His brain tortured him with every detail he could remember about his night with Harry and taking his virginity. 

Louis wasn’t expecting to wake up with an erection but it happened anyway. He almost feels dirty for thinking about his night with Harry. He took all of Harry’s innocence. He had so much of it before Louis got his hands on him. He just couldn’t help himself. 

His hand reacts before his brain processes what he is doing. He pulls his shorts down past his bum and wraps a hand around his cock. All of the obscene images from that night flood his mind. He closes his eyes and focuses on recapturing every detail. 

He first thinks about Harry surprising him and straddling his lap. Louis got to feel his pert bum against his clothed cock. He never thought he would get to touch Harry in that way so even that got Louis ridiculously hard. He stripped Harry’s shirt off. That sight in front of him will forever be ingrained in his memory. Louis had never seen anything more beautiful. Harry tried to cover himself up which blew Louis’ mind. He never wanted to take his eyes off of Harry. 

Louis continues to leisurely stroke his length. He’s honestly as hard as a rock with replaying that night in his head. How could he not be? He wipes a small bead of precome with his thumb and uses it to slick himself up. 

Louis thinks back to when he had that sure feeling that they were going to have sex that night. He surprised even himself when he carried Harry into the bedroom. He laid Harry on the bed and he immediately became so sprawled out and open for Louis. He’d never seen anything like it. He was so trusting of Louis. He loved that Harry’s nipples were so sensitive. Just the simplest touch had him wiggling from his place. 

Louis finally got to take off Harry’s boxers and… holy fuck. Harry was hung. Louis’ mouth waters right now just thinking of it. It was a sin to be that pretty yet also have a cock like that. Louis couldn’t wait to get his mouth around him. He gives blowjobs to his partners, sure, but he’s never wanted to give a blow job more than that night with Harry. Harry was so eager and responsive. He’s never one to swallow come but he was so curious to know what Harry tasted like. It was come so it’s not like it tasted like cotton candy or anything but he liked the way Harry tasted. It was invigorating to Louis that he was the only person that has ever had Harry’s cock in their mouth. Everyone is surely missing out. He also liked gauging Harry’s every reaction. This was all new for Harry so he wanted to see what he liked and didn’t like. 

Louis’ pace on himself quickens. His memory is getting to the good parts; getting to the parts he will never forget even if he tried. 

Louis finally got to slide his fingers into Harry and that’s an experience he loved to watch. Harry looked uncomfortable at first and as if he was unsure if he liked it or not. With every thrust of his fingers, Harry started loving it. Louis could barely contain himself when Harry practically started fucking himself on his fingers. It was such a sight to see and Louis marveled at every second of it. Louis nearly lost what little composure he had left when he brushed Harry’s prostate. Louis wishes he could have the pretty and wrecked sounds that came from Harry on a continuous loop for a long time. Maybe even until the end of eternity. 

Louis tightens his grip on his cock and wipes another bead of precome down his shaft to slick himself up. He isn’t using lube or anything else so his hand was extremely dry. It was painful in moments but Louis is beginning to get desperate to come. All of these images and sounds replaying in his head over and over again were becoming too much for him to handle. 

Louis can’t even begin to describe how it felt when he finally slid himself in Harry for the first time. He thought he might come right then and there. Harry was so tight. From that moment on, he was taking something from Harry that he could never give back. It may sound selfish of Louis but he doesn’t want to give it back. He made sure Harry was safe and felt cared for in that moment and he doesn’t think anyone else would have done that. 

Louis can’t believe how well Harry took it. He looked uncomfortable and even somewhat in pain but that’s to be expected for his first time. What Louis didn’t expect was how desperate Harry got. Louis means that in the best way possible. He wanted to wreck Harry in every good way imaginable and that’s exactly what he got to do. He loved how greedy Harry got when Louis finally slammed against his prostate. 

Louis moans into his quiet, empty room. He bites his bottom lip raw at the thought of what Harry looked like when he was about to come. Louis comes undone at the thought of when Harry came undone. He fell apart so beautifully. Louis comes into his fist with a grunt. 

Louis catches his breath and grabs a tissue from his bedside table to clean himself up. He forces himself to stop thinking about that night. He walks into his living room and picks up his phone. He hasn’t looked at it since last night. He has several messages from Zayn and several emails from students. He assumes that the emails from students have to be their assignments that Louis assigned earlier. He glances at which students have turned them in and one of them is Harry.

“Of course.” Louis mutters and exhales a shaky breath. Harry is such a talented writer but he doesn’t know if he can handle reading whatever Harry has written. He decides to read Zayn’s text messages before devolging in his student’s assignments. 

**From Zayn: Why aren’t you on campus, mate? **

**From Zayn: You didn’t get arrested, did you?**

**From Zayn: Fuck! You did!!**

Louis chuckles at Zayn’s stupidity. Although, Zayn’s accusation is not that far fetched. Zayn has had to bail him out of the drunk tank before.

**To Zayn: No, you dickhead. I’m not feeling well so I stayed home.**

Louis sets his phone down on the couch next to him and opens his laptop. He figures that since he canceled class, the least he can do is grade their short stories in a timely fashion. A little over half of the class has turned in their papers so he starts with the paper that was turned in first. 

Louis intentionally leaves Harry paper for last. Harry always has the power to make Louis feel something through his writing. He takes a deep breath and opens Harry’s file. The document is titled Sweet Creature. Louis grows more sad with every line he reads. 

Harry’s story is obviously about him. Louis is the Sweet Creature. Harry’s story tells a tale of the curly headed boy who befriended a sweet creature. The sweet creature was the best thing to happen to the curly headed boy in a long time. The curly headed boy was constantly depressed before the sweet creature used his magical powers to make him better. The story changes when the curly headed boy did something to the sweet creature. The curly headed boy didn’t know what he did but he was sorry for whatever it was. The story ends with the curly headed boy being depressed again because he doesn’t have the sweet creature’s magical powers to keep him happy. 

Louis has tears streaming down his face by the end of it. Harry has such a talent of expressing his feelings through his writing. It is sometimes to the point where the emotions expressed are gut wrenching to where Louis almost can’t read it anymore. He gave Harry top marks without a second thought and then throws his laptop to the opposite side of the couch. He misses Harry so much. His story hit home so much because that curly headed boy had magical powers to make the sweet creature feel better as well. 

Louis makes himself small and curls himself up into a ball. He sits like this for several minutes with silent tears running down his face. When he can’t take his feelings any longer, he gets up off of the couch and walks into the kitchen. He opens one of the several bottles of whiskey he bought on Friday. He doesn’t bother to put the alcohol into a glass and takes a swig of the liquor. The liquid burns his throat but he immediately feels a little bit better. He grabs the neck of the bottle and takes it with him to his bedroom. 

*H*

Harry spends Friday and most of Saturday on the couch. He can’t even bare to be in his bed given what took place there only nights prior. He is hurting. He is hurting because Louis doesn’t seem to care in the slightest about his feelings. Louis took his virginity and he’s barely spoken to him since it happened. He hurts because he truly thought he could trust Louis. He must have been mistaken. 

Harry fights the urge to cut and does it successfully. He knows it is stupid but he promised Louis that he wouldn’t cut anymore and he already had a slip up a few days ago. Louis isn’t speaking to him but he still wants to honor their agreement. If not for Louis than for himself. His strategy for not cutting is to not move from the couch. The only times he has moved from the couch is to use the restroom and to occasionally get something to eat. 

Liam finally confronts him about it on Saturday night. Liam looks like he’s ready to go out clubbing. Harry hates that he is always bringing Liam down because he has to constantly worry about him. 

“Are you going to tell me what’s going on now? You haven’t left the couch since you got home yesterday. You skipped your last class which is really odd because that’s Louis’ class and you guys are friends.” Harry’s face falls at the mention of Louis’ name. “Or not friends… got it. I’m sorry for bringing it up.”

“It’s okay.” Harry responds quietly. 

“Haz… I have to ask, have you cut?” Liam asks tentatively.

“No.” Harry answers truthfully.

Liam’s face visibly relaxes. “I’m proud of you.” Harry offers him a small smile. “Listen, you don’t have to tell me what’s going on but I’m here, okay?” Liam pats Harry’s knee reassuringly and starts to get up from the couch.

“Liam!” Harry squeaks out, panicking a little. Harry needs to get everything off of his chest. He can trust Liam with his life. 

“Yeah, Haz?” Liam asks, his expression turning to one of worry. He sits back down next to Harry.

“I’m gay.” Harry says, looking at Liam in the eyes. He’s completely taken aback when Liam wraps him in a hug. 

“Oh, Harry. Thank you for telling me.” Liam only hugs him tighter. Harry wants to cry at the love he feels for his friend. 

“Thank you.” Harry says, his voice cracking with emotion. Liam hugs Harry for as long as he needs it. Silent tears fall down his cheeks and onto Liam’s shoulder. After several minutes, Liam finally lets go. 

“You and Louis are more than friends, right?” 

Harry nods his head. Liam nods back, urging him to continue. Harry explains everything to him that he hasn’t told him before. He fills in all the blanks from the stories he’s told Liam before but adds the non-platonic bits. He finally explains to Liam what happened on Thursday night. 

“We had sex… Uh, he took my virginity.”

“Oh, Haz. That’s great. I’m glad you had someone who cares about you to help you through your first time.” 

“Liam… it was amazing. He was gentle and sweet. He made sure I was comfortable the whole time.”

“But?” 

“But the next day he acted really strange. He ran out of the apartment and then ignored me in class. I went to his office and his told me that we shouldn’t see each other anymore.”

“That doesn’t sound right at all. Maybe he’s just nervous. Was it his first time too?”

Harry snorts. He doesn’t know why but that sounds funny to him. “I doubt it. He’s nearly three years older than me and I’m the only person I know that was a virgin at 21.”

“Maybe he is scared that this will ruin the dynamic you two have going on right now.”

“I don’t know.” Harry mumbles.

“I think you should talk to him.” 

“I should talk to him in person, right?”

“Definitely. Trying pulling him aside after Senior Lit on Monday.” 

Harry nods in agreement. He can tell that the conversation is coming to a close and that Liam will be leaving their flat soon. Liam keeps checking his watch.

“Are you ever going to tell me about this dreamy mystery guy you’ve been seeing?”

Liam grins at the mention of him. “Soon, Haz.” Liam gets up from the couch and plants a kiss on the top of Harry’s messy head. “Love you. I doubt I’ll be home tonight. I’m sure you could go out with Ni if you asked him.” 

“Love you!” Harry replies and gives Liam a small smile. Liam gives him a quick wave and walks out of the door. 

Harry didn’t really want to go anywhere tonight. He loves Niall to bits but he’s a little too much to handle on a Saturday night. He thinks it is best if he rejuvenates himself tonight and tomorrow so that he’s be completely up for his talk with Louis. 

Harry falls asleep relatively early on Saturday night. He spends his Sunday catching up on his homework. He spends most of his time of the assignments that are due for Louis’ class. He already knows that Louis enjoys his writing. He’s told him so on several occasions. He wants Louis to know that he’s really intelligent and is good at conveying his feelings into his writing. Sadly, he doesn’t have too much to do in Louis’ classes right now so he calls it another early night. He figures the sooner he falls asleep, the sooner he will be able to go to class and see Louis. 

Harry wakes up the next morning to an email from Louis. It explains to his students that he has fallen ill and will be unable to teach any of his classes today. Harry allows himself to sulk on that for a few seconds before reading the rest of what Louis wrote. For his creative writing course, Louis wants them to write a short story about how they are feeling right now. Harry figures this is an amazing opportunity to tell Louis how he feels. 

Harry begrudgingly gets out of bed and goes to the living room. He sits down on the couch and opens his laptop. He opens a new Word document and stares at the screen for a few moments. Louis is different from anyone he’s ever met in his entire life. He’s like this foreign creature he never thought he would meet. He’s not really foreign to him anymore. He’s familiar and treats him so well. He’s so _sweet_ to him. Harry stops his thought process after that word popped up in his head. 

“Sweet Creature.” Harry mutters aloud and immediately types that into the title. 

After figuring out that Louis is his sweet creature, the story flows out of him quickly. His feelings pour out of him. He makes sure to keep the subject lighthearted but to make sure his point and his emotions have been conveyed. Louis will figure out that this story is about him. Harry is sure of that. By writing this story, Louis is going to be forced to hear Harry’s feelings. He can’t ignore Harry’s feelings when it is in the form of an assignment. 

Harry finishes the assignment in twenty minutes and skims through it once. He loves what he has written so he turns it in without a second thought. He stares at the screen for a little over a minute before shutting it and hopping off of the couch. He walks into the bathroom and shuts the door. He still has one class today since both of Louis’ classes are canceled. He figures he’ll go to it only because it’ll help him kind his mind off of Louis. 

Harry takes a shower and while scrubbing his messy hair clean, he thinks something awful. What if Louis canceled class because he doesn’t want to see him? Would Louis really cancel his entire Monday of college classes because he didn’t want to face him? The thought had Harry panicking slightly. He spent Friday and Saturday sulking about the fact that Louis didn’t want to see him outside of school but this is so much worse. He canceled class and it could be because of him. 

Harry is two minutes late to his British Literature class. The professor gave him a dirty look and that only made him more sad. The woman had a stone face and didn’t look at all like Louis did when he would frown at Harry for being late. It was one of Harry’s favorite faces Louis made. The lady didn’t make that face and he wanted to cry about it. He misses Louis’ face so much. It had only been four days and it has been almost unbearable. 

His class seems to take longer than it normally does. It usually drags anyway because after this class, he gets to see Louis. Harry wants to smack himself in the face because literally every thought he has had today revolves around Louis in some way. 

Harry walks home from campus with a frown on his face. When he finally gets home, Niall is sitting on the couch with a petite platinum blond woman. They are both giggling to each other with the television neglected in the background. 

“Hi.” Harry greets, shaking the couple from their little bubble.

“Harry! Hi, mate.” Niall says cheerfully. He gets up from the couch with the girl’s hand intertwined in his own. “This is my girlfriend, Julia. I think I mentioned her a few times.”

Harry drops his bag onto the floor next to the couch and shakes Julia’s free hand.

“Hello, I’m Harry. It’s nice to finally meet you. Niall has told me nothing but good things.”

“It’s really nice to meet you, Harry. Niall doesn’t ever shut up about you and Liam. Sometimes I think he’s in a relationship with the two of you and not me.” Julia jokes. Niall cackles at his girlfriend’s joke. Harry has never seen him so smitten. He really likes seeing his friend this way.

“Oh hush it, Jules. I don’t talk about ‘em that much.” Niall looks at Julia fondly to which she playfully rolls her eyes.

“Hey, speaking of, where is Li?” 

“Where else would he be? He’s finishing up at work and he’s off to his mystery man.”

Harry laughs knowingly. It seems to be getting serious between Liam and his mystery boyfriend. “I should have guessed. Well, listen… I’ve got some homework to do and I don’t want to intrude on your night. It was really nice to finally meet you, Julia. I hope we’ll be seeing you around more.”

“I’m sure you will be. Great to meet you, Harry.” Julia responds with a bright smile. Harry hopes that Niall will keep this one for more than a few weeks. She’s beautiful and incredibly sweet. 

“Talk to you later, mate!” Niall yells, sitting back on the couch. 

Harry picks up his bag again and scurries off to his bedroom. He still has a hard time being in here because everything reminds him of that night with Louis. Even the pillow Louis used still smells like him. 

Harry opens his bag and retrieves his laptop. He sits down on his bed and slides back so his back is against the wall. He opens his laptop and checks his emails. He got an email that Louis has graded his assignment. He quickly clicks on the link and checks his grade. Louis gave him a perfect score. Harry doesn’t know whether to smile or cry. He may just do both. 

Louis read his story. He acknowledged how he’s feeling. He knows that Harry is upset because they aren’t speaking anymore. He gave Harry top marks so he either liked it so much they Harry earned the grade he got. Or he gave Harry the grade because he’s his student and he slept with him.   
Harry spends entirely too long thinking about Louis’ thought process while reading his paper. By the time he thinks about something that isn’t Louis related, it is night time and he needs to go to bed. 

Harry continues to think of how pathetic he is. He’s barely done anything except think of Louis since he slept with him. He can barely sleep or eat. This is why Harry has never let himself get close to someone. He knew he would get too attached once he let someone in. He feels like such an idiot. Of course someone as incredible as Louis would quickly lose interest. 

Harry wakes up the next morning not feeling rested at all. He tossed and turned all night. He quickly gets ready for his Tuesday class and rushes out of his flat. He barely had time to say a quick hello to Liam who looks like he just got home from his mystery boyfriend’s place. 

Harry daydreams during his first class. He never pays too much attention but today was especially rough. He couldn’t say one thing that the professor discussed. He really needs to get out of this rut he is in right now. 

Harry’s second class goes by in a frenzy. He’s got an exam in this class next week so he truly did try to pay attention. He retained some of the information the professor gave the students but not much. 

Harry’s walk home is the most peaceful part of his day so far. He puts in his headphones and drowns out the world. Harry knows he’s in a crisis when Adele’s 21 album is hitting home. He’s never been so close to a man like this before so none of those sad, heartbroken songs ever made much sense to him. They certainly make much more sense now. 

Someone Like You blares in his ears and he gets even more sad. He doesn’t want someone like Louis, he wants _Louis._ He knows he is probably being overdramatic about this. Louis is probably unbothered by the fact that they are no longer speaking. That’s probably the most troubling factor for Harry right now. Louis is probably completely okay with this and Harry is not really functioning. 

Take It All is the next song to play on his Adele shuffle. The words of this song are speaking true. They are a more diluted version because he and Louis weren’t in a long term relationship or anything but the words of the song resonate with Harry. After the song is over, he vows that he needs gain the courage to speak to Louis about all of this stuff. Harry needs to ask Louis if he ever did like him and if he did then why did he stop seeing him. 

Harry walks into his flat and thankfully Liam is there. He looks to be making dinner for his roommates. When Harry shuts the door, Liam turns his way with a smile so big his eyes are crinkling. 

“You look happy.” Harry points out. He tries to smile as wide as Liam but he’s sure he just looks pained.

“I am!”

“Do tell.” Harry replies, setting his bag on the ground and walking into the kitchen. 

“I will at dinner. I’m waiting on Ni to get here.”

“Okay. Need help with dinner?” Harry glances at his phone. It is 4 in the afternoon. “Which is incredibly early might I add.” 

“Well I got off of work not too long ago and I thought I’d do something nice for my flatmates. That a crime?” Liam jokes. “You’re welcome to help. I’m just making pasta. Simple and easy.”

“I’ll cook some chicken. That’ll go great with the pasta.”

The two of them cook together in relative silence. They share snarky comments back and forth to each other every so often but it is a comfortable silence. Harry is always comforted by Liam’s presence but today he is more than ever. His mood seems to be somewhat contagious. Harry felt his mood getting better the more he was around Liam. 

“Hey Liam, can I ask you something?” Harry asks, breaking the silence between them.

“Yeah. Of course, Haz. What’s up?”

“Do you think I’m wasting my time with Louis?”

Liam stops what he is doing and stares at Harry. He doesn’t immediately answer the question. “I haven’t seen how you two interact in person but from everything that you’ve told me, I think there is at least a conversation to be had. You care for him and from what you’ve said, he cares for you too. I think that even if he decides that he doesn’t want something more with you, I think that a true genuine friendship has been made and you should continue it.”

‘How would I even go about that conversation? I psyched myself up for it all weekend and then he canceled classes on Monday.” Harry flips the chicken and closes the lid on the pan. “And how would I even have that conversation with him? He said that he doesn’t want to see me outside of class and I can’t really work in how he deflowered me during his lecture.” 

Liam snorts at Harry’s words. “Go to his office.”

“Yeah, because that worked out so well last time.”

“You’ll figure it out, Harry.”

“But I don’t know how. I’ve never done this before and I obviously suck at it.” Harry says, pouting like a child. 

Liam is about to respond when the front door opens. Niall’s grinning face appears through the door. “It smells fucking delicious in here!” 

Dinner between the three men was exactly what Harry needed. Niall provided the comic relief as per usual and Liam was attentive and listened to the other two talk about their days. Of course, Harry has not disclosed his sexuality to Niall yet. It’s not that he thinks that Niall will react poorly; he’s always been a very kind and supportive friend to Harry. He’s just not ready to tell him yet. He’s moving in baby steps. He plans to tell Niall next, then his sister Gemma, and lastly his mum. He doesn’t know how long it’ll take him but he wants to be strong enough. 

The three men move to the couch after dinner. They talk about joke around with each other. They turn on whatever game is on right now and let it play in the background. They stay out in the living room until about 9 when Liam’s phone rings. His face got really red and he excused himself into his bedroom. Niall and Harry stay in the living room for the remainder of the game. Niall retreated to his room shortly after to call his own significant other. 

It was moments like this for Harry that really suck, He’s really happy for his friends and both seem to be extremely happy. However, he’s going through such a rough patch with whatever is happening with Louis that it’s making him even more sad. 

Harry strips out of the day’s clothes and slips on a pair of pajama bottoms and his regular long sleeved shirt. He knows he doesn’t need to hide his scars when he’s in the comfort of his own home but it is more of an anxiety issue than anything else. He feels better when they are covered, regardless of who is around. He gets into bed and falls asleep shortly after. 

Harry wakes up surprisingly rested the next morning. He feels much better than he did the night before. He quickly shuts off the alarm on his phone and sits up. He has a few notifications on his phone. One of them is an email from Louis. Harry quickly clicks on the notification. He clenches his jaw in annoyance when he reads that Louis has, again, canceled all of his classes for the day. 

“What the fuck?” Harry mutters aloud. He knows that Louis is probably on a bender right now and that is exactly why he’s canceled class once again. It is either that or he doesn’t want to see Harry that much that he’s jeopardizing other college kids’ education to avoid him. Harry hopes it is neither option but he’s been around Louis enough in the last few weeks to know that it is probably one of them. Frankly, it pisses Harry off. He doesn’t get mad at much but Louis is being a child about this. Even if he doesn’t want to be with Harry, the least he can do is have a conversation about it and be honest with him. 

Before he knows what he’s doing, he gets out of bed and undresses out of his night clothes and dresses into fresh ones. Once his clothes are on, he quickly pulls his boots on and ties them. He grabs his phone and wallet and walks out of his room. 

Liam is sitting on the couch with a cup of coffee in his hands. He notices Harry’s angry demeanor. “You alright?”

“Yep.” Harry responds shortly. 

“You don’t have your book bag. Are you not going to class?”

“Nope. Class was canceled. Again.”

“Louis?”

“Yep.” 

“So where are you going?”

“Louis’.” 

“Good.” Liam responds and offers Harry a reassuring smile before Harry opens the front door and leaves. 

*L*

Louis spends the rest of his Monday in bed with a bottle of whiskey. He would get occasionally a grade a paper or two that was emailed to him until he got too drunk to read them anymore. The more drunk he got, the more he had to refrain from texting Harry. When he couldn’t take it anymore, he forced himself to fall asleep. It was only 7 but he figured he needed the sleep anyway. 

He woke up the next morning with a wicked headache. His body was getting used to not requiring alcohol so now that he was drinking whiskey like it was water again, it was beginning to take a toll on his body. He begrudgingly gets out of bed and walks into the kitchen. He opens another bottle of whiskey and takes a shot of the liquor like it’s a shot of espresso to start his day. 

Louis brings the bottle with him into the bathroom in hopes to make him feel better. He only has one class on Tuesdays and Thursdays so he’s trying to buck up and teach this one class. After huddling into the fetal position in front of the shower instead of actually showering, he makes the executive decision to cancel his class.   
Louis alternates between drinking and sleeping until about six o’clock when he feels the absolute need to get something in his belly that is not booze. He pours himself a bowl of cereal and sits on the couch. Actually putting something in his stomach immediately makes him want to throw it up. He forces himself to finish the entire bowl of cereal and then lays on the couch and focuses on not throwing it all back up. He stays like this for what seems like forever. He doesn’t move a muscle until he hears his phone vibrate from the counter in the kitchen where he left it. He struggles to sit up but makes his way into the kitchen in time to answer the phone. It’s Zayn.

“Hello.”

“Louis, where the fuck have you been?” Zayn sounds both annoyed and concerned. 

“I haven’t felt well, mate. I told you that yesterday.”

“That’s bullshit and you know it.”

“No it’s not.” Louis mumbles. 

“It’s because of Harry, isn’t it?”

Louis rolls his eyes. He wishes Zayn could see it now. “No, Zayn. I’m not canceling class because of a guy.” Louis says with the attitude of a bratty teenager.

“You seem to be forgetting the fact that this guy is also your student who is in two of classes.” Zayn laughs. 

Zayn’s amusement is only pissing Louis off. “Did you only call me to annoy me?”

“No, of course not. That’s only a bonus for me.” 

“Hanging up now.” Louis tells him. 

“Wait, wait. In all seriousness, I’m worried about you, Lou. You never cancel classes. This isn’t like you.”

“It’s just a stomach bug. I’ll be fine.” 

“I’m coming by then. I’ll bring you some soup or something.”

“No! I mean, there’s no need. I’m sick and gross and I don’t want you to catch the bug that I have.” Louis wasn’t completely lying. He is filthy. He hasn’t showered in several days. His hair is matted to his forehead and he’s probably starting to smell. His facial hair has grown out more than he is used to. He would not want even his best friend to see him like this. 

“If you absolutely insist on me not coming over then I won’t but I can always drop something off. If you’re sick then you probably need medicine or something.”

“I appreciate that. Zaynie. But I’m fine. I just need rest.”

“Will I be seeing you tomorrow?”

“Yeah, of course. I will tough it out tomorrow. I will be there bright and early.”

“I’ll see you then, Lou. Feel better.” 

“I’ll work on that. See ya.” 

“Bye.”

Louis hangs up. He doesn’t particularly like lying to his best friend but he also doesn’t want him to see him like this. He feels like a complete loser. He’s not left the house in four days and has done nothing but drink his troubles away. This used to be a normal Tuesday for him but not since Harry came into his life. Harry would be so disappointed in him for going on a bender after he was doing so well. Louis should have known their arrangement was going to come to end sooner rather than later and he was going to go back to his old ways of drinking to numb his pain. He’s the whole reason he and Harry’s arrangement ended in the first place. He is a textbook self-sabotager. He was so happy with spending time with Harry and he was actually beginning to heal. 

Louis feels tears beginning to well in his eyes and he knows he can’t think about it anymore. He walks back into the kitchen and grabs the second to last full bottle of whiskey. He hastily opens the bottle and takes two large chugs of the liquor. It burns his throat going down but he wants to feel pain. Physical pain is so much easier for him to deal with than mental and emotional pain. He grabs his phone from the couch and walks into his bedroom. He plugs in his almost dead phone and plops onto his bed. He takes several swigs of his whiskey until he is sedated enough to fall asleep. 

Louis wakes up the next morning covered in sweat and struggling to breath. He had a nightmare. Except it wasn’t really a nightmare. He dreamt of his mother last night. He grabs the whiskey on his bedside table and chugs as much as his throat can take. He can’t go to class today. It isn’t physically possible for him to teach today. He rarely dreams of his mother, but when he does, he can barely do anything else the rest of the day. 

Louis grabs for his phone and types a quick email to each of the classes he is canceling today. He knows he’s going to get a ton of shit from Zayn for canceling another class but he doesn’t care at this point. He sends the emails and tosses his phone to the side and out of his way. He’s still drenched in the sweat that he woke up in so he strips his clothes completely and lays on his bed completely naked. 

He lays there in complete silence. It’s so quiet in his flat that he can hear every beat of his heart. Every breath he takes is almost too loud in the quiet of this room. He’s completely startled when there is a knock on the front door. Actually, a knock is a generous word. It is more like a bang on his front door. He contemplates not answering it but the person is unrelenting. Louis slugs out of bed and throws on the first pair of clean boxers that he can find. He walks to the front door and opens it.

“Harry?” Louis says in disbelief. He cannot believe Harry is in front of him right now. His hair is in its usual disheveled form. He has a long, bulky cardigan on even though it’s still relatively warm outside. He’s still one on the most beautiful people Louis has ever seen. The only difference in Harry right now than how he normally is, is that he is pissed. Absolutely fuming. Louis has never seen him so angry. He’s normally docile and cowards at the littlest thing. Harry doesn't look like he wants to cower now. 

“What’s your problem?” Harry asks, walking past Louis and letting himself in. 

“What do you mean?” 

“What do you think I mean, Louis!” Harry demands. His cheeks are flushed with anger. 

Louis sits down on the couch. He doesn’t have the energy for this right now. “I don’t know, H. It could literally be anything I’ve done at this point.” Louis replies, defeated. 

It seems that, for the first time, Harry begins to take in Louis’ appearance. He pans Louis’ body up and down. His facial expression softens slightly. He starts to look around the room. He spots two empty bottles of whiskey on the floor next to the couch. Harry’s facial features tighten and he looks like he is about to burst with rage. 

“What the fuck, Louis?” Harry demands. 

“What?” Louis asks in a small voice.

“You know, I was about to come in here and yell at you because I thought you were canceling class because you didn’t want to see me but now I get it. This is so much worse. How much have you drank in the past few days?” 

“Don’t worry about it, Harry. It’s not your problem.” 

To Louis’ surprise, Harry laughs a bitter sounding laugh. “Not my problem? Of course it’s my problem, Louis! We have a deal! You were doing so well. Why did you drink so much? Why, Lou?” Harry loses his anger with every word. He, too, looks defeated. The sadness grows in his eyes. 

“It was bound to happen sometime.” Louis admits. He sounds so pathetic. “Why are you even here?” 

“I’m here because I care about you.”

“Well you shouldn’t.” 

“You can’t keep shutting me out. If you don’t want to be with me, that’s fine. I can live with that. But I can’t not have you in my life. You’ve helped me with so much. It’s my turn to help you. So, please, _please_ Lou… Just let me.” 

Louis feels his bottom lip begin to quiver. “You shouldn’t be here.” He mutters.

“Why?!” Harry demands desperately. 

“Because, Harry! Teaching in the only other thing that makes me even remotely happy. It’s the only thing that’s kept me alive. If the school found out that about us, then I’d lose my job.”

“Then we’ll just be friends. Just let me be here for you.” Harry finally sits down on the couch. He’s not really sitting next to Louis but he’s close enough to touch him if he wanted to. 

“Harry.” Louis chokes out. His throat is bone dry and he can barely get his words out. Harry looks at him expectantly. “I don’t want to just be your friend.”  
Harry’s eyes brighten significantly at Louis’ words. “You don’t?” 

“No! Fuck, Harry. It pained me so much to tell you I didn’t want to see you outside of school. Your face broke my heart. And to say that after the night we… fuck, H…” Louis can barely get his words out at this point. 

“So you didn’t hate what we did?” Harry locks eyes with Louis and both have tears welling in them. 

Louis doesn’t know why he’s so overcome with emotion. It may just be because Harry is finally here. Finally with him. Louis surprises himself when he snorts; like Harry’s statement is the most ridiculous thing he’s ever heard. “Hate it? Harry, what the fuck? That night… Jesus. One of the best nights that has ever happened to me.” Harry looks like he’s about to roll his eyes so Louis gently rests his hand on Harry knee. “I’m not just saying that, either.” 

Harry looks deep into Louis’ eyes, searching them. He is searching for any type of doubt in his eyes. He doesn’t find any. “I--Louis…” Harry starts but cannot finish. He takes Louis’ dainty hand in his own and intertwines their fingers. He scoots a little closer to Louis. 

“I’m so sorry, Harry.” Louis says sincerely. 

Harry’s face flashes with confusion. “But.. why?”

“Well, I mean… Everything, for starters. But I’m sorry I ruined your first time. You deserved it to be so much more than what it was.” 

Harry’s grip on Louis’ hand tightens slightly. He exhales in disbelief. “Ruined my first time? Louis.. I-- I couldn’t have asked for anything better than what you gave me.”

“But it was with me.” Louis responds automatically. 

“All the more reason that it was perfect.” Harry answers honestly. 

“Harry… You can’t say those things to me.”

“But I mean them.” Harry responds, inching closer and closer to Louis.

“Harry.” Louis says, giving in to everything his body is telling him and moving closer to the other boy.

“Louis..” 

“I can’t.. Stay away from you anymore.”

“Then don’t.” Harry replies and finally brushes his hand along Louis’ cheek. Louis leans into the simple touch like a small puppy would. 

“I could lose my job.” Louis says, vocalizing the last ounce of logic in his body. 

“I won’t allow it… Just-- be with me.” Harry’s other hand caresses Louis’ cheek. Harry moves Louis’ head so that they are looking into each other’s eyes. Harry is an open book. He’s not shy about what he wants and what he wants is Louis. His eyes show no doubts or malicious intent. The only thing Louis sees in Harry’s eyes is how much the other man cares for him. 

“Okay.” Louis answers, moving his eyes lower so that they are staring at Harry’s plump lips. They immediately perk up into a smile. 

“Okay?” Harry asks hopefully.

“I want to be with you.” Louis responds. 

Harry immediately pulls Louis’ face to his own and kisses him.The kiss is innocent but urgent, like neither of them could wait a second more to get their lips on each other. Louis is the one to pull away.

“We’re going to have to be a secret. That’s not going to be too much for you to handle, is it?” 

Harry shakes his head. “I don’t care about any of that, Lou. I’m just happy you want to be with me. I was starting to believe that I was delusional for thinking we had a connection.”

Louis silences him but another peck on the lips. “We do have a connection. From that first night in the hospital.”

“You felt it then, too?” 

Louis nods. “It was totally inappropriate of me.”

“I felt it too. I thought about you a lot when I was.. In there. Our talk before they brought me in helped me get through it.”

Louis smiles at the other man. The thought both warms and breaks his heart. “You’re so strong, H.” 

Harry shakes his head like he doesn’t believe the words Louis is saying. “Not as strong as you.”

Louis huffs out a laugh. “I’m really fucked up, Harry.” Louis gestures to the empty bottles on the floor. “Clearly.” Harry kisses him quiet. He deepens the kiss. Louis gladly allows it. He’s sure to still taste like whiskey but Harry doesn’t seem to mind. The hand on Louis’ cheek travels down his neck and along his arm. It is like he’s saving every detail of Louis into his memory. It’s overwhelming to Louis. He breaks the kiss and instead plants a few light kisses along Harry’s jawline. “You know, distracting me with kisses isn’t going to change the fact that it’s true.”

Harry’s bottom lip puckers in a frown. “Quit saying that.”

“It’s true though, H. I’ve accepted that it’s who I am.” Louis says lightheartedly. He jokes about it so it hurts less. 

“Well, I’m fucked up too.” Harry admits. Louis frowns . He doesn’t like hearing that come out of Harry’s mouth. Harry gauges his reaction. “See? You don’t like me saying that, either.”

“No, I don’t.”

Harry stays quiet for several seconds. It is almost as if he is debating something in his head. “Hey, Lou?”

“Yeah?” 

“I really missed you the past couple of days.”

Louis’ face contorts in an even bigger frown. He must have caused Harry so much hurting and sadness. “I wish I could take the past few days back.”

Harry face mirrors Louis’ as he begins to frown too. “Stop being so hard on yourself.”

“But I hurt you.” 

“Your heart was in the right place, Lou. You care about your job and I completely understand that.”

Louis doesn’t think he’s met someone so understanding and thoughtless before. His mother was but that’s the only person that he can think of. Harry truly is a great person. “I shouldn’t have been a dickhead to you.”

“Stop it with that. Everything is okay now and that’s all that matters to me. The last few days have sucked but at least it brought us together, right?”   
The corners of Louis’ mouth perk up in a smile. “You’re so wise, aren’t you?”

“I’ve just had a lot of time to think, that’s all.” Harry says with the slightest hint of a blush. 

“I missed you too, by the way.” Louis intertwines his fingers in Harry’s long hair and moves closer to him. “I thought about you a lot.” Louis admits. 

“Yeah?” Harry asks hopefully.

“Yeah.”

“Me too.”

Louis gently tugs at Harry’s hair to bring him closer. Harry hums quietly in approval and their lips collide. This time, the kiss doesn’t stay innocent for too long. Louis bites Harry’s bottom lip which causes a soft whine to escape his lips. Louis swallows the sound and kisses him harder. 

Harry surprises Louis when he loops his leg over Louis so that he’s straddling him. He loves that Harry is slowly gaining confidence around him. He’s always so timid. He doesn’t need to be around Louis. Never, really but especially not around him. Louis thinks Harry is so beautiful and he wishes Harry saw what he saw. It is these little glimpses of confidence that make Louis so happy. 

Louis is shaken from his thoughts when Harry subtly grinds his hips against Louis’ lap. Harry is so sinful yet he doesn’t even know it. He doesn’t know what he does to Louis. He turns him into a puddle of sexual frustration on the floor. He has since the day Louis saw him. 

Harry runs his hands down Louis’ bare chest. He gets dangerously close to the hem of Louis’ boxers but refrains from indulging. His hands travel up Louis’ body again. He momentarily breaks the kiss. “I really like the facial hair, Lou.. I may get beard burn though.” 

Louis chuckles at his comment and connects their lips again. Louis’ hands travel lower and lower until they reach Harry’s pert little bum. He tentatively rests his hands on Harry’s bum. Harry moves his body towards the touch.

Harry’s fingers run along Louis’ beard. He can’t seem to get enough of the quickly growing beard. His hands move to Louis’s greasy, matted hair. His fingers attempt to untangle the messy hair but it is no use. Harry breaks the kiss with an amused look. “Louis.. You’re kind of filthy.” Harry giggles. Actually giggles. The sound is like music to Louis’ ears.

“I know. I wasn’t expecting any insanely cute men coming over here and ruining my self loathing session.” 

Harry scowls at him, or at least tries too. He just looks like an upset child and it is the most endearing thing Louis has ever seen. “Let’s go shower.” Harry suggests.  
Louis’ eyebrow perks up in curiosity. “Together?”

“Yeah. Why not? I could wash your hair.” Harry offers. 

Harry has such a genuine expression on his face that would be impossible for Louis to say no to. It would also be really nice to get a scalp massage under the hot water from Harry. It would also be incredible to be naked with Harry again. 

“As long as I get to wash that beautiful head of hair of yours too.” 

Harry blushes at the compliment. Harry climbs off of Louis’ lap and stands up. He offers Louis a hand. “Lead the way.” 

Louis takes Harry’s offered hand and walks them into the little bathroom down the hall. Louis doesn’t bother closing the door since he lives alone. He glances at Harry who turns away bashfully. He was already looking at Louis. 

Louis pulls the shower curtain closed to make sure the water doesn’t spray out and he starts the shower. He looks back at Harry expectantly. They need to start shedding their clothes and hopping in the shower but Harry looks queasy and self conscious. 

“You go first. I’ll get in after you.” 

“Babe, I’ve seen you naked before.” Louis reminds softly. 

Harry mouth perks up with the slightest hint of a smile at the pet name. “I know. I just…” Harry starts but doesn’t finish. 

“I get it, H. It’s okay.” Louis reaches for Harry’s hand and reassuringly rubs his thumb on the top of Harry’s hand. 

Louis turns away from Harry and pulls down his boxers. They slide down his thighs and fall to the floor. He steps out of them slowly. He hears Harry’s breath hitch behind him. He turns his head back and catches a glimpse of Harry and his flushed cheeks. Louis steps into the scorching shower and sighs contently.

Louis is in the shower for about a minute by himself until Harry joins him. The sight in front of him is immaculate. He doesn’t know how he got so lucky to find this beautifully damaged boy that he can’t get enough of. 

Harry’s eyes are staring at floor and he has his left arm behind his back as if to hide it. This must be really hard for Harry. He doesn’t open up to people. He’s too scared to and right now, he’s laid bare for Louis and so vulnerable. 

“You’re beautiful.” Louis whispers. 

Louis’ words seem to take Harry out of his trance and he looks up from the ground. The two men lock eyes with each other. Harry’s facial features relax and he takes a step towards Louis. 

“Thank you.” Harry responds, barely audible. 

Louis tentatively reaches his hand out and places it on Harry’s hip. Harry moves closer to him until their chests are touching. This shower seems so intimate. He doesn’t know what happened between outside the bathroom and the shower curtain but the air is different between them. Neither speaks, Louis turns them around so that Harry can stand underneath the shower head. He doesn’t move his left arm that is still behind his back and he just lets the water run through his hair. 

Louis reaches behind him and grabs the shampoo bottle. He pours a generous amount into his palm . “Turn around, H.” Harry does as he’s told and faces away from Louis. He places his arms in front of him; still hiding his imperfections from Louis. Louis lets it go because he doesn’t want to push Harry in any way or cause him to feel uncomfortable and even more self conscious. Louis runs his hands through Harry’s hair and saturates it with the shampoo. He massages the other man’s scalp which causes almost a purr from him. It causes Louis to smile. 

“Nobody has ever washed my hair before… besides like my mum, obviously.” Harry says awkwardly. Louis chuckles fondly at his inexperience. He loves that he’s experiencing all of this for the first time with Louis. He knows that made him selfish but he couldn't help himself.

“And do you like it?” 

Harry turns his back to look at Louis. He has a shy, but dimpled smile on his face. “I love it. Feels amazing, Lou.” 

Louis massages Harry’s scalp for a few more minutes until his hair is full of suds and needs to be rinsed off. Harry moves under the water and lets the water take over his hair. He uses his right hand to help the water get all of the suds out of his hair. It takes a few minutes to completely wash out Harry’s hair which doesn’t surprise Louis at all since it’s so long. 

Harry lathers on the conditioner himself. All Louis can do is marvel at the sight in front of him. He can’t take his eyes off of Harry. He hopes he’s not making Harry more self conscious. He praises the small window he has in the above the shower because the lighting is so wonderful right now. Whenever Harry looks at him, it’s a sea of emerald staring at him. Harry’s lips are particularly red in this lighting but that could be from being nervously bitten at. Harry’s cheeks are flushed from the hot water but Louis knows some of it is from blushing. Harry’s skin is tinted red because of the heat of the shower. It’s such a beautiful contrast to his usual delicate white skin. 

Harry looks at Louis expectantly. Louis had completely zoned out of everything else and focused on everything that was beautiful with Harry. “Hmm?” Louis asks, feeling heat against his cheeks with embarrassment. 

“My turn to wash your hair.” Harry says in a small voice. Louis nods and they switch places so that Louis’ body is under the water. 

Harry lathers Louis’ scalp with shampoo and Louis allows himself to close his eyes and relax into the other man’s touch. Harry’s big fingers are great for massaging. Louis is in utter heaven right now. He wishes Harry could massage his scalp all of the time. 

“You can put your head under the water now.” 

Louis does as he’s told with his eyes still closed. He lets the water rinse his hair clean. He feels so at peace. He didn’t realize how much he needed a shower until he got in. Harry pulls him gently forward and out of the water. Still facing towards him, Harry lathers conditioner in Louis’ hair. Louis opens his eyes to see Harry’s scars in his peripheral view. His forearm is close to his face since he’s massaging the conditioner into Louis’ hair. 

Harry’s scars are very visible in the light from the shower window. Louis exhales a breath of relief when he doesn’t notice any new cuts. The one Harry made on the day they had sex was nearly healed. 

“You didn’t cut.” Louis states. 

Harry looks down at him and his lips are curved into a frown. He starts to move his arm away from Louis’ face but Louis brings a gentle hand to it to keep it where it is. 

“No. I didn’t.” 

“Why?” Louis asks. It’s probably rude to ask someone why they didn’t self harm but Louis is curious. They also are very open with each other so questions like these normally aren’t too intrusive. 

“Because we had a deal, Louis. I’m trying to be better for you.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t keep up my end of the deal.” Louis looks straight into Harry’s eyes. He is hoping to find judgment of some kind because he did royally fuck up but he sees zero judgments in Harry’s eyes. There’s never any ounce of judgement.

“You shouldn’t apologize to me, Lou. You haven’t done anything wrong.. Relapses are common. We just have to work harder so that hopefully there isn’t a next time.”  
Louis pulls Harry’s wet hair down to him and he kisses him. It is only a few pecks but it leaves Louis’ head spinning.

“You shouldn’t try to be better for me. You should try to be better for yourself, H.” Louis wraps his arms around Harry’s torso so they are chest to chest. 

“I don’t really care about myself, though. I care about you and that’s why I try to be better for you. If I tried to be better for myself then I’d probably self harm within a day or two.”

Louis starts planting kisses on Harry’s right shoulder and then continues placing kisses along his collarbones and then his left shoulder. “You’re so beautiful, Harry. I wish you could see what I see.”

Harry doesn’t look convinced. “What do you see?” He rests his forearms on Louis’ shoulders and intertwines his fingers behind Louis’ neck. 

“I see this beautiful person how doesn’t know that he is beautiful. I see this boy who has had to deal with so much hurt in his life even though he’s the last person in the world to deserve it. I see a boy that still has a hopeful gleam in his eye despite everything he’s been through.” Louis removes a hand from Harry’s waist and moves it to his left forearm. He steadies the arm which is now trying to smuggle it’s way out of sight. Louis decides to start talking again to distract Harry from his self consciousness. “I see a boy with scars.” Harry winces at that. “But despite what that boy thinks, even those are beautiful.” Louis leans his head over and brushes his lips against several of the scars. “They are part of who you are, Harry. You shouldn’t hide them or be ashamed of them because it shows that you’re still here. You’re still alive and you’re still fighting.” Louis can’t tell if Harry is crying but he’s guessing that he is from the look on his face. 

“Lou…” Harry starts to say but stops himself. 

Louis momentarily panics. He doesn’t know if he’s overstepped his bounds and upset Harry. “I’m sorry, H. I shouldn’t have said anything.”

Instead of answering Louis with a vocal response, Harry pulls him closer and brushes their lips together. It is a quick peck and he looks down at Louis with a bashful grin. “Nobody has ever been so kind to me, Louis. I don’t know what I did to deserve the way you treat me. You are the nicest, most caring man I’ve ever met in my life.” It is Louis’ turn to kiss Harry. They kiss shortly but part too soon. “I’m sorry if it seems like I’m not taking your compliments. It’s just really hard for me to take compliments since I don’t feel the same way about myself.” 

Louis brings his hands to Harry’s cheeks and pulls Harry down to him. He hates being shorter than Harry because he wants to be Harry’s protector and he can’t very well do that when he’s inches shorter than the other man. He kisses Harry again. This time, he goes for more than a peck. Now that he’s allowing himself this happiness with Harry, he wants all that he can get. They kiss languidly, unrushed for several minutes. Louis breaks the kiss when Harry starts giggling against Louis’ lips.

“What?” Louis asked, puzzled. He looks at Harry fondly because he continues to giggle. 

“We forgot to wash the conditioner out of your hair.”

“Well come here.” Louis says and pulls Harry under the water with him. 

Louis holds the other man close while he washes the conditioner out of Louis’ hair. He kisses across Harry’s chest, occasionally sucking on the skin. Harry’s breathing begins to get rapid and he ruts his hips to meet Louis’. Their cocks rub against each other and the newfound friction feels incredible. Harry collides their lips together hungrily. This startles Louis because this is completely out of character for the other man. 

Harry bites at Louis’ bottom lip to pry his mouth open. Louis doesn’t resist whatsoever and they are a mess of tongues and teeth within seconds. Harry absentmindedly grinds his hips against Louis. His hands travel across Louis’ body; exploring every inch that he can. His hands roam lower and lower until they fingertips away from Louis’ hardening cock. His fingertips ghost along his shaft. Louis didn’t know he could be such a tease. Finally, Harry’s large hand grips Louis’ cock. He pumps his dick a few times before Louis needs more. 

Louis walks them two steps until Harry’s back slams against the cool tile of the wall. It knocks the wind out of Harry but it doesn’t really faze him. He continues to kiss the living daylights out of Louis and pump him agonizingly slow. Louis brings his knee to Harry’s inner thigh to pry his legs open further. Harry immediately complies. The more Harry’s fist pumps quicker on, Louis the more intense Louis gets. Harry’s breath hitches when Louis’ hands travel down his torso and cups his bum. He loses it when Louis spreads his cheeks apart enough to run a finger along his rim. 

Harry breaks the kiss and buries his face into Louis’ neck. He plants several kisses there. “Take me to your bedroom.” Harry practically whimpers. 

Harry removes his hand from Louis’ length and Louis creates some space between them. He has to, if he wants to get Harry in his room and not just fuck him in the shower right now. 

Harry steps out of the shower while Louis turns off the water. Louis hands the other man towel and they walk to Louis’ room in comfortable silence. Louis strips from his towel and plops onto the bed. Harry lingers where he is at the door of the bedroom. 

“Lou..”

“Yeah, babe?”

"Could I.. try something?”

Louis gives him a puzzled expression. “Yeah. Whatever you want. What is it?”

Instead of answering, Harry strips from his towel and slowly walks to the bed. Louis doesn’t question what is going on, he just stares at Harry and waits for his next move. He stares at Harry’s beautiful, still damp body walking towards him. He exhales the breath that he didn’t know he was holding. 

Harry sits on the bed, so close to Louis that their skin is touching. Harry glances at him with a nervous expression before turning and kissing him. The kiss is heated from the start. It is like Harry is willing all of his nerves away and putting his energy into the kiss. Louis bites Harry’s bottom lip eagerly. Harry makes a pathetic sound and kisses him harder. He places a steadying hand on Louis’ chest and his other on Louis’ cheek. He breaks the kiss only to reattach them on his jaw line. He travels down Louis’ neck leaving bruising kisses. Louis is shocked when Harry kisses down his chest, inching lower and lower. Harry is traveling to places his mouth has never been and it’s seriously turning Louis on. Just the thought of Harry’s mouth on his cock causes his entire body to go rigid. He could probably come just from the thought of that. 

Harry licks a line around Louis’ happy trail and then another at his hip bone. Louis is shaking with anticipation. Harry looks eager to do this and Louis is not going to stop him. A small part of him that is still responsible feels like they should at least have a small conversation about it before Harry does this for the first time.

“Are you.. Are you sure?” Louis stutters out.

Harry nods profusely. “Yeah.”

“You don’t have to just because I do.” 

Harry looks up at Louis with an innocent expression. “But I want to. I want to taste you.. I want to make you feel good.”

Spurts of precome dribble down Louis’ cock just at those sinful words. He already knows he won’t last long. Not with Harry saying those things and Harry just having the mouth that he does. Harry’s mouth hasn’t been on Louis’ cock even a second but he already knows that he’s going wreck him. 

“Okay.” Louis responds breathily.

“Just, uh, tell me if I’m doing something wrong or if you want me to do something a different way, okay?” 

Louis smiles fondly at him. Even in such a heated moment, he can’t help it. Harry is such a considerate person and always wants to please other people. “Okay, love.”   
Harry glances up at Louis one last time before focusing his attention on Louis’ cock which is painfully hard against Louis’ stomach. Tentatively, Harry wraps a hand around Louis’ length and pumps it a few times. He wipes the beads of precome form the slit and slicks him up. When he’s properly slicked up, he repostions himself so he can better give a blowjob at this angle. 

Louis sighs in relief when Harry finally gets his mouth on him. The anticipation was absolutely killing him and now he can relax and enjoy what Harry is about to give him. Harry licks a long stripe from base to tip. His tongue is long and strong which makes his movements that much better. Harry lingers on the head which is a favorite of Louis. His head is already sensitive but with Harry’s tongue swirling around it, causes a few desperate noises to leave Louis’ mouth. 

Louis has his eyes shut. He knows that if he looks down at the sight in front of him, he’ll come way too quickly. He’s imagined what Harry would look like with a cock down his throat before but he doesn’t have the stamina to look right now. 

Louis moans out when Harry finally slides his lips down his shaft. Harry doesn’t seem to know when to stop himself and he takes most of Louis in his mouth. He gags on it a bit and sputters up to breath. Louis finally opens his eyes and looks at Harry. His eyes are watery. 

“You don’t have to take me so deep, H. Don’t choke yourself.”

Harry doesn’t answer him. He pumps Louis’ dick in his fist a few times before wrapping his lips around the head again. Harry bobs his head; taking more of Louis each time but not to where he is choking. 

Louis is moaning freely now. Harry’s mouth feels so good on him. Louis hasn’t received a blow job in such a long time. Normally, he just goes to a gay club and brings someone home with him and they have quickie and then they leave. So Harry sucking him off right now is blissful.

Harry slides even more of Louis’ cock in his mouth which causes him to gag on it again. This time, he doesn’t quit. He continues to bob his head but he lessens the amount of suction of his lips so he can more easily catch his breath. 

“Fuck, H.” Louis moans.

Louis’ praise motivates Harry to continue sliding Louis’ cock down his throat. He takes more than he has before and stay there for a few seconds, Louis’ cock hitting the back of his throat. Louis lets out a guttural noise. Harry begins to sputter but doesn’t come up for air. It concerns Louis because Harry doesn’t really know what he’s doing and he doesn’t want to hurt him. 

“_Fuck._” Louis unintentionally curses. He’s concerned about Harry but he also can’t help the immense pleasure that he is feeling. “Baby.. C’mere.” Louis suggests, gently tapping on Harry’s shoulder. 

Harry does as he’s told and slides Louis’ cock out of his mouth. When he turns to look at Louis, he is frowning. “Am I not doing it right?” 

Louis’ eyes widen in disbelief. Harry actually thinks he’s doing a bad job. That’s not true in the slightest. “Jesus, Harry. You are. You’re fucking amazing at it. I just don’t want you to choke yourself too much. It’s your first time.”

Harry’s cheeks flush more than they already are. “I like choking on you.” Louis’ cock twitches in excitement at the words. “I like all the sounds that you’re making. I like that I’m the reason you’re making them. I really like making you feel good.” Harry’s voice is hoarse from his recent activities. His voice is even lower than it normally is and Louis thinks it’s so hot. 

“Wow, uh, okay.” Louis stutters. He doesn’t know how to respond to that. “Just.. don’t overdo it, babe. You’re doing so well.” 

“Yeah?” Harry asks with a shy smile. 

“Oh my god, yes.” Louis says exaggeratedly. 

Harry smiles one last time and takes Louis’ cock in his fist once again. He doesn’t waste any time and takes his length in his mouth. He works his way down Louis’ shaft. He adds his tongue while moving up and down. This earns a breathy moan from Louis. Harry continues to take more of Louis’ cock until there is barely any left for his hand to cover. He’s actually deep throating Louis right now and doing a fantastic job at it. He learns to relax his throat and breathe through his nose so it’s becoming easier for him to take all that he can without gagging as much. For this being his first time, Louis is blown away at how talented Harry is. Practice makes perfect so he’s only going to get better at this. He’s already on the verge of making Louis come so he can’t imagine how it will be ten times from now. 

Louis finally musters up enough courage to look at Harry. Part of him is so glad he did and the other part is not. The part that is glad because he gets to witness what Harry looks like having Louis’ cock down his throat. Louis has to will himself not to come that second because Harry looks that good. Louis will never be able to forget this image. He’ll never want to forget this image. For such a boy of innocence, his mouth is absolutely filthy. 

Louis notices that Harry is having trouble keeping his hair out of his face so Louis leans on his elbows to reach his hair. Louis gathers Harry’s hair in his hands. It blows Louis out of the water when Harry moans on his dick when he accidentally pulls Harry’s hair. It’s not a quiet moan, either. It vibrates Louis’ entire being. The realization that Harry likes having his long, luscious hair pulled leaves Louis on the edge. He feels like he could come at any second. 

“Harry.” Louis warns. Harry is unrelenting. If anything, the suction of his mouth gets more intense. “I’m gonna come if you keep--.” Louis cuts himself off by moaning obscenely. Louis’ cock brushes the back of Harry’s throat and he moans again. He likes giving Louis head. “_Fuck!_ Harry I’m gonna--.” Louis tries to talk again but is cut off by Harry bobbing his head quicker. It’s almost like he wants Louis to come down his throat. What sends Louis over the edge is the fact that Harry is rutting his hips against the sheets. It’s turning him on the fact that he’s pleasuring Louis. Louis comes down Harry’s throat with a grunt. He pulls a little too roughly on Harry’s curls which causes Harry to whimper. 

Harry slides Louis’ spent cock out of his mouth. Louis doesn’t even know what to say. He’s absolutely blown away. “Harry.” Louis breathes out. 

Harry turns his head and locks eyes with Louis. His eyes are glassy and his pupils are blown. He almost looks sedated. He flashy a dopey smile and moves up the bed. He cuddles into Louis chest. 

“Baby, let me make you feel good too.” Louis whispers. He moves his hand down a fraction but Harry stops him. 

“I..uh, already did.” Harry says quietly. He hides his face in Louis’ chest, clearly embarrassed. 

“That’s honestly fucking hot.” 

Harry lets out a surprised giggle. “Really?”

“Yeah. It’s hot that you got off because you were getting me off.”

Harry further buries his face into Louis’ side. “I’ve just, uh, never done that before and I didn’t realize how much I’d like it.”

“Baby.” Louis murmurs, trying to pry Harry’s face from hiding. Harry finally allows to pulls his face up to his. Louis kisses him sweetly. Weak arousal pools in his stomach when he tastes himself on Harry’s tongue. They part shortly after and Harry lays back down on Louis’ chest. They are quiet for a minute or so but the silence is completely comfortable. 

“So was I okay?” 

Louis huffs out a breath in disbelief. He cannot believe that Harry isn’t confident with what he just did. “H… You were just.. Fucking sinful.” This causes Harry to chuckle briefly. “I don’t know where you learned that but, fuck, keep doing it.” 

“I was really nervous I was going to be shit at it.” Louis gets so sad when Harry gets insecure and over critical of himself. 

“You have nothing to worry about, I promise.” 

Harry plants a kiss on Louis’ chest which makes him positively melt. He is quiet for a little while. “So.. I told Liam that I was gay.”

Louis pauses before he says anything. He’s not sure he heard him correctly. He told Liam that he was gay? That’s a monumental moment for Harry. “I’m so proud of you, H.” Louis tells the other boy sincerely. “Why did you decide that the moment was the right moment to tell him?”

“Well, actually...I just needed someone to talk to about you.” Louis becomes rigid underneath Harry. “I trust Liam with everything, Lou. He wouldn’t tell anyone anything. I promise. Have you not told anyone?” 

“The only close friend I have here is Zayn and he knows.” Louis starts running his fingers through Harry’s still damp hair. “Tell me more about coming out to Liam.”

“He was so supportive. He just hugged me. He’s such a good person and friend.” Harry reiterates the entire conversation between he and Liam. Louis listens intently. He adds commentary when needed but overall he only listens. He enjoys listening to Harry speak, especially right now. He’s so animated and happy. Louis doesn’t get to see a genuinely happy Harry as often as he would like so he’s basking in this. 

After Harry is finished telling his story, the two men fall quiet. Both seem to be deep in thought. Louis certainly is. He feels ridiculous for ever thinking it was a good idea to push Harry out of his life. He feels so much more alive with him in it. Harry’s presence alone can put a smile on his face. The only other person who had the ability to do that was his mum. It’s comforting to know that someone else in the world can make him smile like that. He knows his mum would love Harry. 

“Lou?” Harry asks, pulling Louis from his thoughts. 

“Hmm?” 

“I never told you about why I cut last time and panicked, did I?”

Louis thinks back to that night. He replays their conversations in his head quickly. Louis doesn’t think that Harry told him. He was too panicked to speak. “No, I don’t think you did.” 

“Could I tell you now?” 

“Of course, baby.” Louis answer automatically. He starts playing with Harry’s hair again, hoping to give him some comfort. 

Harry exhales a shaky breath. “I got a phone call. I chose not to take the call but my, uh, father called me. From prison.” Louis instinctively hold Harry tighter. “I did a lot of research a few years back about prisons so I could convince myself that I was safe.” Harry takes a deep breath and tries to even his breathing. “He’s at this prison called Thorn Cross. Basically this is the prison people go to when they are getting out soon.” Harry clings to Louis when the words finally leave his mouth. 

“Oh, Harry.” These are the only words that Louis can get out. He cuddles into Harry. He’s probably smothering him but Harry doesn’t seem to mind. No wonder Harry was so worked up and panicked that he felt the need to self harm. His whole world must feel like it’s crashing down. The man that broke him down from such a young age could be out of prison soon. Louis is scared for him. 

“I’m afraid to ask my mum. None of my family talks about him. I don’t want to upset her.” Louis continues to run his fingers through Harry’s hair. He leans down and kisses the top of his head. Harry is quiet for a few minutes. “I’m really scared.” 

That small admission from Harry completely breaks Louis’ heart. He sounds so small and so not like Harry. “I know you are, baby.” Harry’s breathing is erratic like he’s trying to hold in tears. “I’m going to try to protect you the best I can. You’re safe with me, okay? You’re safe and nothing bad is going to happen..” He kisses Harry’s head again and runs his fingers up and down Harry’s back soothingly. “You’re going to be okay.” 

Louis continues to soothe Harry and eventually his breathing returns to normal. His breathing is so slow and calm that Louis thinks that he is asleep. Louis closes his eyes and almost dozes off.

“Louis?”

“Yeah, love?”

“You’re going to be okay too, you know.”

Louis’ breath hitches with emotion. He’s only okay right now because he has Harry. “I know.” 

Louis wakes up to Harry kissing and sucking on his neck. He slowly opens his eyes to see that it’s still light outside but the sun is starting to set. They must have been asleep for several hours. Their previous orgasms made them tired. 

Harry is canting his hips forward against Louis’ thigh. He’s hard and leaking precome on Louis’ bare skin. Little hushed sounds are leaving Harry’s mouth. He’s sucking a love bite onto the skin of the nape of Louis’ neck. 

Louis hasn’t been awake even a minute and he’s already getting hard. “Baby.” Louis says, voice deeper than usual. His voice is always slightly deeper when he first wakes up. 

“Lou.” Harry whimpers, continuing the movements of his hips. His hand roams down Louis’ body until it reaches his cock and he wastes no time fisting it in his hand.

“_Ah-_ Someone is eager.” Louis tries to joke but falls short. He can’t really be funny with Harry fisting his cock in his hand. 

“Had a dream about you.” Harry grits out. He’s trying not to seem so desperate but it’s not really working. Louis doesn’t blame him, though. When he first lost his virginity, he would have fucked anytime, anywhere. Harry is showing tremendous willpower right now. “Want you.” 

Louis’ jaw actually drops. He’s never heard him be so demanding and up front about what he wants from Louis sexually. “You can have me anytime you want me, H. Holy fuck.”

Harry flicks his wrist in just the right way which causes Louis to whine softly. “Want you now.” Harry responds and sits up from his position on Louis’ chest. He ungracefully swings his leg around Louis’ torso so that he’s straddling him. Louis has to bite the inside of his cheek to keep from laughing. Those cute giraffe legs are so uncoordinated. The amusement is wiped clean once Harry’s naked body starts grinding on his cock. 

“Want it like this.” Harry moans, expertly moving his hips on Louis. 

Louis doesn’t know what has come over the other man. All he does know is that if he continues to be this confident and sexy and on top of him, Louis won’t last two minutes inside of him. 

“You want to ride me?” Louis asks breathily.

Harry nods repeatedly. He flicks his hips just right. “Want it so bad.” 

“Baby.” Louis says, marveling at the beautiful and sexy man on top of him. Harry continues to relentlessly grind on Louis. Their bare bodies are creating a delicious friction that Louis wants more of. “Need to open you up first, H.”

Harry frowns impatiently but then nods. “Where is your lube?”

“Lube and condoms are in the top drawer.” Louis replies and points to the bedside table. 

Harry leans over and reaches into the bedside table. He’s so long and lanky that he doesn’t even need to lift his body fully off of Louis. He gathers the contents in his hands and places him next to Louis’ head. He grabs the nape of Louis’ neck and brings him into a bruising kiss. Harry is so desperate to get Louis inside of him and it’s unhinging Louis in the best way possible. 

Harry finally breaks the kiss so Louis uses this as an opportunity to open the lube and spread a generous amount onto his fingers. Harry looks down at him expectantly. Louis doesn’t know whether to flip Harry over and finger him the way he did last time or keep him how he is and try something new. Harry makes the decision very easy when he starts grinding their cocks together. Louis couldn’t move even if he wanted to (which he definitely does not). 

Louis moves his hands to Harry’s bum. He spreads his cheeks apart and runs a lubed up finger along Harry’s rim. He can feel a shiver rolls through Harry. He makes sure his hole is saturated enough before slipping his finger past the strong ring of muscle. Harry chokes out a gasp and clenches around Louis’ finger. 

“Relax, baby.” Louis soothes. Harry does almost immediately. 

Louis slides the rest of his middle finger inside of Harry. Harry’s face contorts in mild discomfort but it disappears quickly. Louis thrusts his finger in and out of Harry. He is slow at first but Harry continues to want more. Harry makes pretty little sounds that Louis wants to keep hearing. 

Louis adds a second finger without warning and that drives Harry absolutely mad. He throws his head back in pleasure while a broken moan leaves his mouth. He ruts his hips against Louis’ so that their cocks are rubbing together. Louis loves the friction but he knows he’s not going to be completely satisfied until he’s inside of Harry. 

Louis’ pace must not be enough for Harry because he starts subtly grinding his hips down to meet Louis’ fingers. Louis stares in amazement as Harry’s desires take over him and he uses Louis’ fingers to get what he wants. Louis can’t get over the fact that he gets the absolute privilege to see this side of Harry. It’s unexpected but wholly welcomed. Louis thinks Harry just needed to find the right person that he could trust to unleash all of his pent up sexual frustration on. He is so glad that Harry trusts him enough to be this open and comfortable with him. 

Louis is still scissoring and moving his fingers but, for the most part, Harry is doing all of the work. He placed a steadying hand on Louis’ chest and thrusts his hips back to meet Louis’ fingers. 

Harry’s entire body tenses when Louis’ fingers brush up against his prostate. He locks eyes with Louis as he moans obscenely. Louis automatically spurts precome against Harry’s body. Harry doesn’t know the effect that he has on Louis. If he’s not careful, he’ll come before he’s even inside of Harry. 

“I’m ready now.” Harry reassures, still desperately canting his hips back against Louis’ fingers. 

“Are you sure?”

Harry nods fervently. “Yes. Want you so bad, Lou. Please.” 

Louis slides his fingers out of Harry as soon as he finishes the sentence. He can never say no to anything that Harry asks. Especially when that request is to fuck him. He reaches next to his face and grabs the condom. He uses his teeth to open the package and then grabs the lube. 

“Will you put it on me?” Louis suggests. It’s an awkward angle as it is and Harry is also still on top of him so it would be harder to maneuver. 

“Okay.” Harry says nervously. This has to be the first time he’s ever put on a condom since he obviously hasn’t used one on himself. 

Harry grabs the rubber and the bottle of lube from Louis and angles his body to better do this. He bucks his hips up from Louis’ body and takes his cock in his fist. He pumps him slowly a few times before rolling the condom down his shaft. He pours a couple drops of lube into his hand and slicks up Louis’ cock until he is properly lubed up. 

“Go at your own pace, okay babe?” Louis says when he notices Harry is shaking from the nerves. He runs a comforting hand down his back and then keeps it there on his hip bone. 

“Okay.” Harry says quietly. 

Harry holds Louis’ cock in position and slowly sinks down onto him. He chokes out a moan as soon as the tip slides into him. He has to stop moving when Louis is about halfway in. His face is scrunched up in pain. Louis runs his hands up and down Harry back and thighs to try to soothe him. Harry looks at Louis and bites his lip nervously. 

“Tell me if I need to do something better? I just want to be good for you..” Harry says right before sinking the rest of the way down. Harry has bottomed out on Louis cock. 

Louis remembers he needs to respond to what Harry has said. His mind is wiped completely blank because he’s inside of Harry and he could move at any second.  
“You’re going to do great, H. You were already so good with taking my fingers.” Louis praises. He’s not usually one to talk a while lot during sex but he almost feels the need to with Harry. He wants to make him feel good and reassure him how good he is. He can tell that Harry like it when he talks. It gets Harry out of his head and allows him to enjoy it more. 

Harry places his hand on Louis’ chest. He slides up on Louis’ only to slam back down. Both moan at the motion. Harry gets a slow but steady rhythm going. The slow pace is tortuous and teasing for Louis but he bites his lip and lets Harry take control.

Louis marvels at how well Harry is riding him for it being his first time. He’s usually so uncoordinated and clumsy but his movements are calculated and confident. His confidence seems to grow with each thrust of his hips. He’s making quick little noises that Louis wants to hear more of. Louis digs his fingers into Harry’s hips and thrusts up into him as Harry is thrusting down. Harry cries out in absolute bliss. 

“_Fuck!_ Lou.. do it again. Do that again, please!” Harry begs. Louis is sure that he had hit his prostate dead on. 

Louis digs his finger tips further into Harry’s sides and thrusts into him repeatedly. He gets the same reaction with each thrust. Harry is losing all of his composure. On a particular thrust, Harry’s arm gives out and he falls against Louis’ chest. He collects Louis’ face in his hands and kisses him with all that his has. The kiss is a desperate one. Harry is panting into Louis’ mouth and biting his lip to try to keep quiet. Louis swirls his tongue around Harry’s mouth, tasting every inch. 

Louis can feel his orgasm building in his stomach. He feels the familiar heat growing with every thrust. By the looks of Harry, he’s not far behind either. His whines are desperate and demanding. His hips are moving on their own violation on top of Louis’ relentless thrusts. The sex is much more rough and desperate than last time that they had sex. Now that Harry has an idea of how to do things, he’s taking matters into his own hands. Unlike last time when he let Louis take control and show him how things were done. 

Harry repositions himself so that he is balancing his weight on his hands again. Both hands are on Louis’ shoulders. This way, he can better take control and fuck himself on Louis’ cock. Louis continues to thrust into him but he tones it down so Harry can move how he wants to move. 

Harry looks down and locks eyes with Louis. Louis has to take a deep breath and relax to keep from coming. It’s so overwhelming to watch Harry on top of him while fucking himself on his cock. It’s in an entirely different league to lock eyes with Harry while he is moving his hips fast and desperately while using Louis’ cock to get himself off. Harry’s mouth is slightly open and he is moaning. His eyelids are heavy but he is still so focused on Louis. His long hair is matted to the sides of his face with sweat. His cheeks are flushed from overexertion. Louis doesn’t think he’s ever seen something more beautiful than how Harry looks right now. 

“Fuck, H.” Louis moans out. “You feel so good.” 

Harry’s hips pick up the pace at the compliment. They are quicker but more sloppy than before. He’s not going to last much longer. Harry takes him by surprise when he removes one of his hands from Louis’ shoulder and wraps it around his dick. The flicks of his wrist are quick and hard. Harry focuses his energy on pumping his cock in his fist so Louis takes control again and thrusts into Harry. He moans brokenly and works himself even harder. 

“I’m gonna--_fuck, Lou._” Harry groans. Louis thrusts grow quicker and harder to try and elicit the same reactions from Harry. “Lou.” He moans weakly and comes into his fist. Most of it lands on Louis’ chest, painting him with white ropes. 

Harry’s body spasms as Louis fucks him through his orgasm. Being inside of Harry as he came has brought Louis dangerously close to the edge. Harry grasps Louis’ neck and pulls his head to his own. He collect him in a bruising kiss. Harry’s lips are so soft and the kiss is sloppy. Harry’s lips move languidly while Louis is a bit more desperate since he has not come yet. 

Louis squeezes Harry’s bum before moving back to his waist and he digs his fingertips into the skin. Louis is so close to coming that he starts rambling compliments to Harry. It seems to get him off quicker. “Harry, fuck. You’re so tight, baby. Feel so good. You rode me--_jesus._ So well. You look so pretty when you come. _Holy shit._ I’m gonna come, baby.” Harry moves his hips against Louis’ already desperate movements. It brings Louis over the edge and he stills. It feels like his orgasm goes on much longer when he’s inside of Harry. He never wants to be anywhere except inside Harry. Even Harry whimpers as Louis pulsates inside of him. 

Louis takes a few minutes to catch his breath. Harry does the same while resting his sweaty curls on Louis’ shoulder. Stubbornly, Harry finally slides Louis spent cock out of him and he lays down next to Louis. Louis pulls the condom off, ties it, and throws it in the direction of the trash bin. He sits up and kisses Harry once before walking to the bathroom. He wets a washcloth and wipes himself down. He is quite filthy. He wipes his chest off and the wets another one to give to Harry. He walks back into his bedroom to find Harry curled in a ball in the middle of the bed. He looks so small and fragile. 

“H?” Louis asks softly. Harry’s eyes open and a smile grows on his lips. “Let me clean you off.” Harry begrudgingly turns over and lays on his back. Louis washes his skin clean and then goes back into the bathroom to throw it in the hamper. He goes into his bedroom once again and lays down next to the beautiful naked man in his bed. “That was.. Unexpected.” 

Harry moves closer to Louis so that his in laying in him. His head perks up to looks at him. “How so?”

“I wasn’t expecting you to be so.. Open with me since it was only your second time.” Harry’s face contorts in a frown. “Not that I’m complaining because I’m definitely not.” Louis rushes to recover. 

“So it was okay?” 

“More than okay, Harry. I could definitely get used to this.” 

Harry’s smile grows so wide that his dimples make an appearance. “Me too.” 

The pair spend the rest of the night lounging on the couch watching television. Harry insisted that he cook Louis a meal since he hadn’t really had a decent meal in days. Louis goes out to smoke while Harry was cooking. He frowned but did not say anything about it. Louis ate every bite of the food Harry made and they went to sleep relatively early. It wasn’t even a question of if Harry was going to stay or not. Louis wanted him here and Harry wanted to be here. Louis let Harry be the little spoon as per usual so Harry felt protected and safe. They fell asleep happy and wanted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This might be my favorite chapter that I've ever written. I don't know why... I just really love it.


	6. Good

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things with Louis and Harry are going really well... Everyone has slip ups though.

*H*

The next few weeks have whirled by in a frenzy. Harry has had so many tests and papers due that he hasn’t really been able to process everything. Louis has been busy grading papers and midterms that the only thing either do together is sit next to each other and do their work. Harry isn’t complaining, though. He enjoys spending time with Louis. He doesn’t think he’s ever been happier. 

Louis and Harry fall into a little routine for school. Since Louis is a professor, they can’t show that they are together. Harry waits for Louis at a coffee shop across the street from the university on days that he goes home with him. Harry tries not to spend all of his time with Louis but it’s becoming increasingly hard not to. He’s so much happier with Louis around. 

The first week of November rolls around and classes finally begin to die down. It is a Friday and they are walking from the coffee shop. Once they are far enough away from campus, Louis intertwines his fingers with Harry’s. Harry blushes because Louis never shows public displays of affection because he’s nervous to see people from the university. He also knows that Harry has anxiety about it. He’s only out to Louis and Liam and he doesn’t want people to judge him harshly or not accept him. Right now though, he doesn’t feel anxiety. He feels at ease and comfortable holding hands with Louis while walking to his flat. 

“H?” 

“Hmm?”

“I have a thought. I wanted to run it by you. You can tell me if you think it’s dumb or if you don’t want to.” Louis sounds nervous. 

“What is it, Lou?” 

“I want to take you on a date. Like a proper date. Spending time with you at my flat is great, don’t get me wrong, but I want you to experience your first date.”  
Harry takes a deep breath. The thought of going out on a date with a man in public used to terrify him. He’s still a little anxious about it but he isn’t petrified anymore. Not with Louis by his side. “I’d love to.” 

Harry looks over to him and they lock eyes. Louis is smiling so widely that his eyes crinkle. That is one of Harry’s favorite things. “Really?” Louis asks in disbelief. 

“Yeah.” Harry says, feeling his cheeks heat up. “I’d love to go on a date with you, Louis.” 

Louis continues to smile. Harry hasn’t seen him this happy since the night they figured things out. “I was thinking tomorrow. If you’re up for it?”

“Tomorrow, then.” 

He leaves Louis’ flat that night around 11. Louis wanted him to stay but Harry reassured him that he’ll be staying tomorrow after their date. Harry rolls into bed as soon as he gets home and falls right to sleep. 

Tomorrow rolls around much quicker than Harry anticipates. He slept in later than he normally does. His body is probably letting him know how nervous he is. He climbs out of bed after laying there for what seemed like hours. He doesn’t check his phone. He’s sure that Louis has texted him and he doesn’t need to be more nervous than he already is. 

He walks into the bathroom and closes the door. He strips from the clothes he wore to bed and hops into the shower. He stays in there much longer than he should have. He is in there so long that the hot water runs out and Niall is knocking on the door.

“Harry! You okay in there, mate?” 

Harry turns off the water and grabs a towel.”Yeah, Ni! Getting out of the shower now.” He dries off and then wraps the towel around his waist. He picks up his dirty clothes and purposefully carries them on his left forearm. He opens the door and is greeted by a concerned Niall who is hanging around the door. He doesn’t know about the self harming like Liam does but Harry is certain that he suspects. 

“You were in there for like an hour.” Niall chuckles. “I was starting to think you snuck someone in there.” He jokes.

Harry laughs nervously. “Nah, Ni. Just lost track of time. I have a lot on my mind.” Niall opens his mouth to speak but Harry beat him to it. “I’m going to go put on some clothes. I’ll be right out, okay?” 

Niall nods and walks back to the living room. Harry walks the short distance to his room and closes the door. He sheds his towel on the floor and quickly finds comfortable clothes to slip into. He pulls over a too--big jumper over his head and walks back out into the living room.

“So, do you want to talk about it?” Niall asks calmly. 

Harry’s heart starts beating really fast in his chest. He’s going to tread this conversation with caution. “I just--uh.. I have a date tonight. My very first one.”

Niall looks stunned. “Like ever?”

Harry nods shortly. “Yeah. Just never found the right person to go out with I guess.”

“Who’s the lucky lady?” 

Harry’s heart plummets to the ground at his question. He could tell him right now. He could tell his friend that he’s gay and that the lucky lady is a boy. He could be brave. He wants to be brave. He needs to be brave. “It’s--” Harry starts but closes his mouth. He clears his throat nervously. He runs a hand through his wet hair. “Well, Ni.. it’s, uh, it’s not a lady… Actually.” 

Niall’s face flashes confusion and then realization. “Oh? Oh! So you’re--” 

Harry cuts him off. “Gay.” Niall nods but doesn’t say anything. This makes Harry start to panic internally. “I hope that doesn’t change our friendship at all.”  
To Harry’s surprise, Niall starts laughing. Harry looks at him, utterly confused. “I’m such a knobhead.” He laughs again. “I’ve been trying to hook you up with all of the girls I know for years.” Niall lightly slaps a hand against his forehead. 

“I’m sorry! I should have told you sooner.”

“No, I’m sorry. I should have noticed.”

That comment makes Harry think for a few seconds. “I didn’t want it noticed.” Niall nods knowingly and cups a hand on Harry’s shoulder comfortingly. “So we’re okay? I mean… Nothing has changed between us?”

Niall’s face expression looks like he can’t believe Harry just asked that. “Of course we are, Haz.” He squeezes Harry’s shoulder. “You’re one of my closest mates. Being gay is who you are. I’m sure as hell not going to judge you for being honest with me.”

Harry’s heart swells with emotion. He knew that Niall never judges Liam for being bisexual but his overthinking warped his judgement. That irrational part of his mind truly thought Niall was going to think differently of him and stop being his friend. 

“Thank you, Ni.. I, uh, really appreciate you saying that.” 

Niall claps his hand on Harry’s back softly and then removes it altogether. “So who’s the lucky bloke?”

Harry smiles widely at his friend. He just disclosed something so monumental to Niall and it’s like he just told him the weather. Niall doesn’t skip a beat. Harry appreciates that so much. He needs normalcy with his friends. He’s glad he’s got Niall for that. 

Harry snorts out a laugh but it is almost like a nervous tick. “Yeah, about that. You’re going to have to keep that a secret.”  
Niall’s eyes narrow in confusion. “Okay…” 

“So there’s this English professor Louis…” 

Niall’s eyes widen like a kid in a candy store. He’s so shocked at Harry’s revelation. “You’re going on a date with a professor!?” 

“I have two classes with him. He’s only 25 before you say anything else. He’s only been teaching for two years. Anyway, uh, we’ve been friends since school started. We have a lot in common and that really brought us closer. Things between us only got… romantic a few weeks ago.” 

“Harry!” Niall exclaims dramatically. “Are you shagging your professor?”

Harry feels his cheeks heat up in embarrassment. He did not expect the conversation to go this way. “I--Maybe..” 

“Dammit, Hazza. You little minx. There’s so much I don’t know about you.” Niall jokes. 

That comment has a sobering effect on Harry. He stops giggling and grows nervous again. Niall knows more than he did before but he still doesn’t know much. It makes him sad that no one really knows him as well as they think they do.

“No frowns, mate. What’s going on?” 

“I guess I’m just nervous for this date. That’s all.” It is not a complete lie. Harry is becoming increasingly more nervous the closer the date becomes. He wanted to change the subject as well so it is a good segway to drop the sex talk with Niall. 

“You’ll be okay, mate. Now who wouldn’t love this face?” Niall grabs at Harry’s cheeks like he would a baby. Harry frowns playfully and swats Niall’s hands away.  
“I know, I know. I should probably start picking out my outfit and try to tame this hair.” Harry stands up from the couch. 

“Need some help picking out an outfit?” Niall looks at his watch. “I’ve got a little bit of time until I’m meeting Jules. Liam should be home soon, too.”  
Harry smiles. He loves how supportive his friend is being. “I’d love the help.”

After thirty minutes of Harry trying on clothes, Niall finally dresses him in something he thinks is suitable. It takes Harry a lot longer to try clothes on because he goes to the bathroom and changes there. He can tell Niall has questions but he keeps them to himself. Harry is grateful for that. 

Niall is sitting on Harry’s bed, snacking on a bag of crisps. He is directing which clothes for Harry to pick out without actually getting up and looking through the clothes. 

“I think we should double date sometime, mate. If Louis is up for it, of course.” 

Harry doesn’t know if Louis would be okay with that or not but he would definitely ask. “I would really like that, Ni. We could invite Liam too.” 

Niall snorts. “Oh yeah, and his mystery boyfriend that we have still yet to meet or even know the name of for that matter.” 

Harry chuckles. “Maybe proposing a triple date will give him incentive to introduce us to his mystery man.”

“We’ll see. It’s worth a try.” 

By the time Niall has to leave, he has Harry in a leather jacket and white skinny jeans. The only reason that Harry owns that leather jacket is because his mother bought it for him to look ‘edgier’. Harry thought he looks absolutely ridiculous but Niall insisted he looked good. He said that the leather jacket makes him look tough while the white skinny jeans add a soft undertone. 

Harry finally sits down to breath once Niall leaves to go meet Julia. He is exhausted and the date hasn’t even started yet. He checks his phone for the first time today. Louis had texted a few hours ago. 

_From Louis: I don’t know about you but I’m actually really nervous._

Harry sends back a quick reply. He doesn’t want Louis thinking that he’s ignoring him. 

_To Louis: I am, yeah._

Harry gets a reply not even a minute later from Louis. 

_From Louis: Deep breaths, baby. It’s going to be okay. I promise. You’re going to be with me and safe. I’ve got you, okay?_

Harry smiles at his phone. He doesn’t know what he did to deserve Louis. His man so caring and treats him so well. He types a quick reply and then puts his phone back down.

_To Louis: I know, Lou. Can’t wait to see you xx_

Harry still has a little over two hours until Louis is going to pick him up so he goes to the kitchen to make himself something small to snack on. While he is in the kitchen, the front door opens. Harry looks behind his shoulder to see Liam closing the door. He looks at Harry and bites his lip to contain a laugh.

“Uh, Haz… What are you wearing?”

Damn Niall. Harry knew he looked ridiculous. “Niall tried to dress me for my date.” 

“Louis is taking you on a date tonight?”

Harry nods. “Yep. My first one ever.” 

Liam lets out a nervous laugh. “Niall tried but you definitely can’t wear that.” 

Harry giggles. “I know.” 

“Eat your food and let me know when you’re finished. I’m going to go change and then I’ll help you pick something to wear.”

“Thanks, Li.”

Harry finishes making his sandwich and walks to Liam’s room while eating his snack. He knocks once and then walks in. Liam is shirtless and searching for another shirt to wear. Harry sits on his bed when he notices that Liam has hickeys all over his chest. 

“Liam!” Harry gasps. “You look like a bear mauled you to pieces.” 

Liam blushes. “No. That would just be--- my boyfriend.” He pauses, almost revealing his name. 

“I figured. So tell me more about him. I’ve been dying to know.”

Liam looks conflicted. “His name is Zayn.” 

Harry is surprised that Liam finally disclosed his boyfriend’s name. The name sounds very familiar. He has heard that name from somewhere because it isn’t that common of a name. “That’s amazing, Li. I’m excited you finally told me his name.”

Liam flashes Harry his famous puppy dog smile. “He’s really amazing…” Liam continues to talk but Harry isn’t listening because it finally clicks. He remembers where he’s heard the name from. 

“Zayn? As in Professor Malik?” Harry interrupts. As in Louis’ best friend. He’s so embarrassed. He had mistaken Zayn for Louis’ boyfriend at the hospital. 

Liam stares at Harry with wide eyes. “Yeah.” He basically whispers.

“Liam, are you serious?? We’re both dating professors. They are best friends. How does that even happen?”

“In my defense, I started dating Zayn before you started dating Louis.” 

That comment makes Harry think. He doesn’t actually know if he and Louis are in a relationship. They have sex and cuddle and spend all of their time together but neither of them asked the other to be in a relationship. Harry really didn’t need this before his date. He wills his thoughts away and tries to allow himself a little bit of fun before his date.

Liam follows Harry into his bedroom to help him find something to wear. He is much more hands on than Niall was. Liam goes through basically every item of clothing that he has.

“Did Louis say what he has planned?”

Harry shakes his head. “No. Just to bring a coat in case it gets cold.”

“So you must be outside then. Do you want to be really dressy or more casual?”

“I probably would prefer casual. I don’t want to be overdressed for our first date. I’m already nervous enough. Louis also doesn’t dress up unless he’s teaching. And even then he’s only wearing a nice button up.” Harry knew he was beginning to ramble. He’s so nervous.

“So casual it is.” Liam says and moves around things in Harry’s closet until he’s found something that he’s content with. He lays his outfit decision on Harry’s bed. He gets another glance at the outfit Harry is currently wearing and chuckles quietly. 

“I still can’t believe Niall put you in a leather jacket. How did that even come about? Him helping you.”

“Actually.. I came out to him.”

Liam’s expression turns to one of shock but is quickly replaced with happiness. “Haz, that’s amazing. How did it go?”

“Still the same supportive Nialler. After I told him, it was like nothing had changed at all. He did react in the most Niall way possible though.”

“Oh, yeah? What did he say?”

Harry smiles at the memory. “He started beating himself up because he always tries to hook me up with every girl he knows.”

Liam laughs. It is a real and genuine laugh which is always contagious. Harry has no choice but to join in too. “Such a Niall thing to say.”

“I know it is. It was cute though. I’m glad I finally told him.” 

Liam smiles at him proudly. “Me too, Haz.”

“He wants to triple date. You know, if you wanted to. I’m sure Zayn would come knowing that Louis will be there also.” 

Liam laughs but has a nervous expression on his face. “Zayn is going to kill me for telling you. He hasn’t told Louis yet so you have to keep it a secret from him.” 

“I won’t say anything, Li. I promise. It’s not my secret to tell.”

“Thank you, Haz.. I appreciate that.” Liam chuckles nervously. “Once he tells Louis about us, I would love to triple date with you guys. This is the first time ever that we’re all in relationships. It’s kind of monumental and needs to be celebrated.”

Harry completely agrees. He loves his best friends to bits and he never thought he would ever find someone to take on dates with so it’s so satisfying to combine both into one activity. “It really is.”

They talk and joke for a awhile. Both men stray off task so when Louis texts Harry and informs him that he’s leaving his flat now, they have to scramble to find an outfit. Liam’s outfit choice is pretty casual but when paired with his jacket, looks very nice. He chose Harry’s ratty old KISS t-shirt with a red flannel and black skinny jeans. His coat is a darker cream color and goes well to complete the outfit. 

Louis comes to the door like a gentleman. When Harry hears the knock on the door, he feels like he could vomit from the nerves. He doesn’t know why he’s so nervous because it is just Louis. Louis never makes him feel nervous. He’s always a calming and happy presence in Harry’s life. Harry must be nervous because they are actually going in public. The little bubble that they have created in Louis’ flat is being shattered and they are showing themselves together to the rest of the world. Harry didn’t want people to judge him. Not about this. Louis is his happiness and it would break his heart if people didn’t accept the one thing he is confident about in his life. 

Harry walks to the front door and opens it. “Hi.. Wow.” Louis greets. His smile is so wide that Harry can’t help but smile back. His nerves are going away quickly. 

“Hi.” Harry responds quietly. He feels the heat begin to creep onto his cheeks. 

“You look incredible, babe.”

“You do, too.” Louis truly did look amazing. He hasn’t shaved in a few days so his facial hair is at Harry’s favorite length. He’s wearing a plain white t-shirt paired with a black blazer that has a white stripe along the arms and black skinny jeans. 

“You ready to go?” Louis asks nervously. 

“Yeah.” Harry says and closes the front door. He walks behind Louis as they walk to his car. Louis opens Harry’s car door for him. Harry bashfully smiles and thanks him. It’s only when Louis starts driving that Harry speaks. “So are you going to tell me where we’re going?”

Louis glances at Harry and then back at the road. A smile forms on his lips. “It’s a secret.”

Harry pouts. He’s not the biggest fan of surprises and would really be more comfortable if Louis told him what he has planned. “Please.” For emphasis, Harry puckers his bottom lip out even further. 

“I can’t say no to you. Or that face.” Louis takes one hand off of the wheel and runs his hand across Harry’s cheek. “Zayn’s sister works at the zoo and she pulled a few strings to let us in there for an hour now that they are closed.” 

Harry’s face brightens. He was telling Louis the other day about how much he loves animals. He told him how much he likes turtles and koalas. “No way!” 

“Yeah, baby. I’m going to take you to dinner afterwards too. I thought if we did something without people around first, you wouldn’t be so nervous for dinner. I hope that’s okay.” 

Harry’s heart swells with emotion. Louis is so caring and considerate of his feelings. “Of course it’s okay. Thank you so much, Lou.”

Louis grabs Harry’s hand and interwines their fingers together. Harry felt so much more calm than he did when he was at home. Louis really had that ability to put his mind at ease and relax him. 

They two men are silent for a few minutes. Each are too into their thoughts to speak. The silence is comfortable, of course. Nothing is ever awkward between them anymore. They know each other well enough that everything they do together is relatively comfortable. 

“What animal are you most excited to go see?” Harry asks. 

“The giraffes.” 

Harry doesn’t mean to snort but he does. He barrels over and laughs. 

“What are you laughing at?” Louis asks in curiosity. 

“Do you like giraffes because they are really tall animals?”

Louis looks over to him and playfully rolls his eyes. “What are you trying to say, H?” 

Harry is cackling with laughter. He doesn’t know why he finds this so funny but he feels the last of his nerves leave his body. “That you’re, uh… small.”

“Heeey. I’m not that small.” 

“My clothes are huge on you, babe.”

Louis scoffs in fake annoyance. “That’s because you’re a giant, Harold. I’m surprised your favorite animal isn’t a giraffe with those gangly giraffe legs of yours.” 

Harry pouts again. “You’re not very nice. I’m surprised your favorite animal isn’t a hedgehog. They are small and moody, just like you.” 

Louis takes his hand away from Harry’s and brings it to his face to act offended. “You take that back!” 

“Only if you take yours back, Lewis.” Harry counters. He knows he’s got long and gangly legs but it’s more fun to joke with Louis like this. 

“You’re mean. You never make fun of a man’s height. Which is 5’9, thank you very much.” 

Harry breaks into laughter again. “There’s no way you’re 5’9, babe. I’m sorry but there’s not.” Louis continues to pout. “Okay, I’m sorry. You can be 5’9 if you want to be.”

Louis smiles triumphantly. “Exactly right.”

They make it to the zoo about twenty minutes later. They playfully bicker and joke with each other during the rest of the ride over. Zayn’s sister greets the at the gates and lets them in. She explains that she’s not normally allow to do this but she’s known Louis for so long and owed him a favor. Louis laughs at that and Harry assumes there’s a bigger story to that but Harry lets it go and focuses on all of the animals. Zayn’s sister informs them they have an hour to explore and to meet her back at the gates. 

The two men go to each of the animal exhibits. Most animals are already inside since it is after hours but it is still nice to walk around, hand in hand, together. Louis guides them to the turtles first because he knows how much Harry likes turtles. Harry coos about how cute they are for a solid five minutes before they move on from them. Before they go, it’s hard not to notice Louis snapping a picture of him crouched down, smiling next to the turtles.

They go to the giraffes next. Louis has a bit of a skip in his step as they walk over to them and that makes Harry grin from ear to ear. It is moments like these that he craves from Louis because he can be so goofy and carefree. He sees how this side of Louis would have been great with all of his siblings. 

The zoo has a feeding station for the giraffes. It is normally closed to the general public but Zayn’s sister had kept it unlocked for them. Louis takes some of the food and goes to the fence of the one giraffe that is out right now. Harry pulls out his phone because he doesn’t think anything is cuter than this. Harry snaps the picture with Louis is smiling so big that his eyes start to crinkle. That is Harry’s favorite smile. 

The hour is up faster than they would have liked but they had a wonderful time regardless. They leave the zoo and head to part two of their date which is dinner. Louis pulls into a quaint Italian restaurant. The lights in the place a dim and Harry is grateful for that. A waitress sits them down at a table in the corner  
Harry grabs the menu and stares down at it. “This is perfect, Lou. Thank you.”

Louis smiles. “Baby steps. I didn’t want to overwhelm you with too much on our first date. I just wanted you comfortable and happy.”

Harry finally looks up from his menu. Louis is already looking at him with a big smile on his face. He reciprocates the smile. “I am. Always am with you.”

Dinner is lovely for the two of them. The only remotely bad thing that happened on the date is when the waitress offers each of them a glass of wine. Louis immediately declines but insists that Harry get a glass. Harry isn’t much of a drinker to begin with so he didn’t really want a glass. He also knew that it would be hard for Louis to sit there and watch Harry drink it. Both were quiet for a minute or two after that incident but recovered quickly. 

The drive home is filled with laughter and jokes. Louis always knows how to make Harry laugh and keep him laughing. He asks if Harry would like to stay the night to which he accepts. Harry thought it was unbelievably cute that Louis formally asks him to stay the night even though he stays most nights anyway. Louis is a proper gentleman and Harry is grateful for that. 

When they get home, Louis gets a phone call from Zayn. That makes Harry think back to earlier today and how Liam finally disclosed to him that Zayn is his boyfriend. He also remembers the hickeys that were littered on his chest. Harry is extremely curious. He doesn’t know why but the thought of Louis marking him with a purple love bite is incredibly endearing. 

Louis walks back into the room. “Zayn just wanted to know about the zoo. And how the rest of the date went. He asked a ton of questions which usually isn’t like him. Nosey bastard.” Louis jokes fondly.

Harry suspects the sudden line of questions is because Zayn knows that Harry knows. Liam must have told him after Harry left. “Probably just happy for his friend.” 

“Doesn’t sound like Zayn.” Louis jokes. He sits down on the couch. Harry cuddles into him.

Harry chuckles but doesn’t say anything else. Louis turns on the television and switches it on to Netflix. He starts an episode of the Office. 

Harry is quiet through most of the episode. His mind is full of wonder about hickeys. He doesn’t know why he is so fascinated by them. He has never had any interest in them before now. It is probably because Louis would be the one giving him the love bite. He’s intrigued and open to new sexual conquests because it is with Louis.

“Lou?”

The sound of Harry’s voice breaks Louis away from the show. “Hmm?”

“Have you ever given a hickey before?”

Louis turns his head so that he’s looking at Harry with his eyebrow cocked and curiosity. “Uh, yeah. Why do you ask?” 

“I’ve never gotten one before.” Harry wonders aloud. He’s hoping that Louis will take the bait and understand what Harry wants.

“Well, no. I didn’t think you would have.”

“Could you, um, give me one?” 

“Why the sudden interest in a hickey?” 

“This is going to sound really dumb.” Harry begins. Louis nods, encouraging him to keep talking. “I like thinking about people looking at the love bite and wondering who gave it to me. I know that’s not like me at all.” He looks over to Louis who is now biting his lip. “It’s like you would have this claim on me. Like I’m yours and only yours.” Harry cheeks begin to flush from embarrassment. “That sounds ridiculous. Forget I said anything.” 

Louis shakes his head. “I don’t want to forget you said that, H.” His voice is lower than usual. He takes Harry’s hand in his own and guides it to Louis’ crotch. He is hard. “The thought of you sitting in class while I’m teaching and I can just see the marks on your neck. Fuck, Harry. That’s so hot.” 

Harry presses the heal his hand against Louis’ crotch. Louis moves into the touch. His breath hitches. Harry inches towards him until Louis engulfs him into a kiss. It doesn’t stay innocent for too long. Harry’s words must have unleashed something in Louis because he’s impatiently rutting his hips against Harry’s hand. 

Louis hands roam to the hem of Harry’s shirt and pulls it up his body. Harry takes the hint and breaks the kiss to yank his flannel off and pull his other shirt off of his body. Louis follows suit and pulls his shirt over his head. Louis wastes no time with clashing his lips back against Harry’s. 

Harry gets his hands back on Louis. He doesn’t know what has come over him but he just wants to get his hands on Louis. He wants to touch every inch of him. He undoes the button of his jeans and unzips the zipper. He pulls them down his legs with the help of Louis. He collects Louis’ cock in his hand and pumps slowly.   
Louis breaks the kiss only to reattach his lips to Harry’s neck. Harry shudders at the feel of Louis’ mouth on his bare skin. His grip on Louis’ cock tightens and he quickens his movements. Louis whines onto Harry’s skin and sucks at the skin of his neck. 

Harry can feel his jeans getting tighter because Louis is leaving marks all over his neck. His skin is already so pale so these purple marks are going to be such a contrast against his skin. 

Harry wipes a bead of precome from Louis’ head and slicks up his shaft. Louis’ breathing is rapid against Harry. He’s working his way down Harry’s chest with love bites. 

Harry’s breath hitches when Louis hastily unbuttons and unzips his pants. He slides them down his legs and wraps his hand around Harry’s length. Louis continues to suck love bites onto Harry skin while he pumps his cock in one hand. Both men’s pace are rapidly increasing. Both are desperate for each other. Louis grabs Harry’s hair roughly with his free hand and pulls him closer. Their kiss is a mess of tongues and teeth. 

“I’m close.” Harry whimpers against Louis’ lips. It doesn’t take much for him to come when it’s Louis making him come. He’s quickly picked up on the things that Harry likes and doesn’t like. He can make him come so quickly if he wants and today he wants. 

“_Fuck._ Me too.” Louis grits out and quickens his hand on Harry’s cock. 

Both are moaning against the other’s lips and their hands are moving sloppily. Harry comes first. He comes into Louis’ fist with a broken moan. A few white ropes paint Louis’ bare chest and that’s what seems to bring him over the edge. He comes into Harry’s fist with a grunt. Harry pumps him through it. 

Before Harry really knows what he’s doing, he brings a finger from his come covered hand and inserts the digit into his mouth. He locks eyes with Louis when he does it. Harry can see Louis shudder next to him. 

“Baby.” Louis says breathily. 

Harry’s hickeys are still visible on Monday. Louis suggested that he cover them. He said that would make Harry feel more comfortable and people wouldn’t ask questions or look at him weird. Harry is appreciative that Louis looks after him so much. 

When Harry gets to his flat to change before he goes to campus, he finds one of his favorite sweaters. He normally wears a t-shirt underneath it but he tries it on without one. The neckline is worn out so the purple markings are on full display along with his collarbones. Harry decides to wear it that way. If anything, he wants to see Louis’ reaction to it when he walks into class. 

Harry unintentionally is a few minutes late for class. He lost track of time and ended up having to sprint the last few minutes of his journey to campus. He walks into Louis’ classroom all sweaty and his love bites on full display. Harry’s sure that he doesn’t even look like himself. 

Louis looks up when Harry walks into the classroom. His jaw drops momentarily before he composes himself and looks away. “Harry.” Louis says drily. “You’re late again.” 

“Sorry.” Harry rushes out, biting his lip. 

Louis is a stuttering mess for the rest of class. He glances Harry’s way at least once every minute. He’s probably so obvious to the other students but Harry doesn’t care. He elicited the reaction he wanted out of Louis. The class drags on incredibly long. He didn’t think it would ever end. Louis finally dismisses the class. Harry packs up his things to leave. 

“Harry.” Louis says sternly. “A word?”

“Yes?” Harry asks innocently. 

Louis waits until the rest of the students vacate the room until he speaks. “Was it your intention to get me hard while I was lecturing because if it was, you succeeded.”   
Harry’s bites his lip. He has been biting them all throughout class so they are sore and bitten raw. “I’m sorry, Lou.” 

Louis’ expression softens. “Don’t be sorry, H.” He looks Harry up and down again. “Why’d you have to wear that jumper of all the ones you own?”

Harry shrugs. “It’s comfy.” He starts smirking and does a crappy job at covering it up. 

Louis walks over to the door nonchalantly and closes it. He locks the door and dims the lights. Harry’s heart jackrabbits in his chest. Harry must have really put Louis on edge if he’s acting this way on campus. 

“You’re a tease and you don’t even realize it.”

Harry’s breathing is labored and he can’t keep his eyes off of Louis. He’s close enough to touch him now but he hasn’t yet. “I guess not.” Harry answers honestly.   
Louis finally touches him. He runs his hand up Harry’s arm and to his cheek. “We have fifteen minutes until students need to be in this classroom. I’m going to kiss you right now..” Louis’ lips hovers so close to Harry’s. “Because I can’t wait until we get home.”

Louis does exactly that. They kiss hectic and rushed in the empty classroom for ten minutes until they have to separate themselves or Harry is sure that Louis will fuck him against the desk. 

“You leave first. I’ll see you in Senior Lit, baby.” Louis says and gives Harry one last kiss. 

“Bye, Lou.” Harry says before leaving the classroom. 

*L*

The rest of the week after their date is really stressful for Louis. The dean of his department has been up his ass this semester. Zayn says the same thing. Zayn has a theory that the Dean thinks that they are in a relationship. That man seems very homophobic and it makes Louis’ skin crawl. 

The stressful week has not made him very pleasant to be around so he has chosen not to be around Harry a lot. It is not because he doesn’t want to be around him. If he had a choice, he would probably spend all of his time with Harry. He keeps his distance because he doesn’t want to accidentally snap at Harry. If he unintentionally took his work stress out on Harry, he would never be able to forgive himself. 

Another struggle he is having during this stressful week is not drinking. Getting drunk has always been his coping mechanism and now that he can’t do that anymore, it’s causing him to go mad. He’s been smoking like a freight train the last couple of weeks. 

He misses Harry around but Louis doesn’t want to bother him with this. Harry is a sweetheart and respecting his space even though it is evident that he wants to be spending time with Louis. 

Louis finishes lecturing Senior Lit on Friday. Harry is one of the first to leave the room so Louis takes his time packing up his things. Harry is waiting for him outside of the classroom.

“Hi, H.” Louis says solemnly. He continues walking and figures Harry is going to follow him. 

“Hi, Lou.” Harry says with a bashfully smile. “I was thinking we could go out tonight. If you wanted. We could go get dinner.” 

Louis contemplates it. If he wasn’t already in such a poor mood, he would say yes to Harry without a second thought. He doesn’t want to make it a miserable night for Harry.

“Not tonight.” Louis mumbles. 

Harry frowns at him. “Oh, okay. What do you want to do then?” 

“I’m probably just going to go home and go to sleep. I’m knackered and my boss has been an absolute dickhead this week.”

Harry’s face falls a fraction. “Okay… I’ll leave you to sulk then. Call me if you want to see me, I guess.” He turns the direction of where his flat is and starts walking that way. 

Louis curses under his breath. He made his boy upset when that is the one thing he wanted to avoid. He wants to call for Harry and have him come back but it is probably for the best to be left on his own for awhile until this bad mood goes away. 

Louis stops at his office to gather his things and then he goes home. As soon as he gets through his front door, he slams the door shut and plops onto the couch. He stares into the abyss for several minutes. He’s thinking about the shit week he’s had and how the only thing he wants is Harry. Louis feels like such a dumb ass for upsetting him and not inviting him over.

After Louis has had enough of sulking in his self pity, he turns on the television. He picks a random station to watch but it’s mainly background noise so he doesn’t have to deal with a silent flat any longer. 

Eventually, he reaches around the couch and grabs his laptop out of his bag. He opens the laptop and decides to make himself useful and do a bit of grading. He’s neglected it most of the week because he’s been in such a sour mood.

He is half way through grading the Senior Lit papers that the class just turned into him when there is a knock on the front door. He wants to ignore it but he doesn’t want to be a dick. He sighs loudly and sets his laptop on the couch next to him. He walks to the door and opens it. 

“Harry?” Louis says in shock and opens the door wider for him to come inside. 

“Hi, babe.” Harry says shyly. He’s carrying bags of takeout and has several movies in hand.

“What are you doing here?”

Harry sets the bags onto Louis’ counter. He looks to Louis and smiles. “I sat at home for a little bit but the only place I wanted to be was here. You can be in a shitty mood if you want but at least give me the opportunity to try and cheer you up. I brought all of your favorites.”

Louis stares at Harry in disbelief. He can’t believe that Harry did this for him because he’s had a rough couple of days. He closes the distance between them and wraps his arms around Harry’s waist. Harry rests his arms on Louis’ shoulders and pulls him in tighter. 

“Thank you, H.” Louis whispers and kisses Harry’s lips shortly. They part with smiles on their faces. 

“Don’t shut me out anymore, Lou. Let me be here for you.” Harry his hand along Louis’ cheek. He pulls him closer and plants a kiss along his jaw. He finally reaches his lips and he brushes theirs together. “Please.” Harry adds after they part. 

“Okay.” 

“You shouldn’t go through things alone. You have me. I’m always here.”

Louis kisses him again. He’s so overwhelmed by his words. He’s not used to having someone to depend on anymore. Not since his mum died. He knows that it is his own fault but Harry being here is nice. 

“I know you are, baby. I’m sorry I can be such a grumpy shit sometimes.” Harry giggles and kisses Louis again. “You’re amazing.”

Harry smiles but doesn’t take the compliment. That is the one thing that Louis needs to help Harry work on. Louis wouldn’t say these things if they weren’t one hundred percent true. He’s the most beautiful and caring person he’s ever met and he wants him to know how true his words are. 

“Why don’t we eat? Don’t want your food getting cold.” Harry suggests.

Louis nods and opens the bag full of food. Harry grabs plates while Louis opens the containers. Louis puts food on each of their plates and he carries both of them to the couch. 

“I also brought Grease. To cheer you up.” Harry blushes. “I also really wanted to hear you sing all of the songs.” 

Louis snorts but then looks at Harry fondly. He didn’t deserve this boy. “You’re the best, baby. Put it on, will you?” 

Harry nods and walks over to the television. He puts the DVD in the player and sits down next to Louis. They eat their food quietly while watching the movie. 

About halfway through the movie, Louis abandons paying attention altogether and snuggles Harry. He missed his boy. He further distracts Harry from watching the movie by guiding his face towards his and kissing the living daylights out of him. Harry sighs contently into the kiss. It goes on for a few minutes until Harry pulls his lips away. He’s out of breath and his cheeks are flushed. Louis likes that he can so easily unravel him. 

“I really missed kissing you this week. It gets really hard sometimes when we’re on campus.”

Louis wholeheartedly agrees. It’s the strangest thing to teach someone that you have sex and spend most of your time with. He’s almost slipped up a few times.

“I know it is, babe.”

“You were doing this cute thing with your tongue during Creative Writing today and I just wanted to walk up to the front of the class and kiss your face off.” 

Louis squeaks out a laugh. He knows the feeling. “You’re silly.” Louis replies instead and plants a kiss on Harry’s nose. 

Harry smiles wider and sticks out his tongue playfully. It is the most endearing thing that Louis has ever witnessed. Harry falls silent and cuddles back into Louis. They finish the movie in relative silence. Louis sings the songs and quotes his favorite lines just to see Harry smile. 

Louis’ bad mood goes away quickly. It is like he hasn’t even had a shit week. Everything is okay as long as he’s got Harry to laugh with. Harry has this calm aura about him that is intoxicating to Louis. 

Once the movie is over, Harry suggests they go lay down. Louis agrees and grabs the cookie dough that Harry bought him from the fridge. He opens a drawer and takes two spoons for he and Harry. 

Harry is already laying down on the bed with Louis walks in. His long hair is sprawled out on the pillow and he looks so beautiful. His eyes flutter open when he hears Louis enter the room. 

“You brought snacks to bed.” Harry states with a small smirk. 

“Of course. You can have cookie dough anywhere, H.”

Louis hands Harry the spoon and they eat the cookie dough. Both men steal glances of each other until the other one catches them and they blush and turn away. It is like they are school children. Harry’s hair looks so wavy and soft today and Louis just wants to run his fingers through it. 

Once they are finished snacking on the cookie dough, Louis puts it back in the fridge and then gets into bed next to Harry. The first thing Louis does is run his fingers through Harry’s hair. The other man practically purrs.

“Has anyone ever tried to braid your hair, H?” 

Harry shakes his head but doesn’t open his eyes. “My sister Gemma offered once but I was scared of what people would think about a boy with braids in his hair.”

Louis’ heart sinks. Harry should be able to feel beautiful in everything that he does. Whether it be clothing, hair, or even nail polish. “I could braid it now. If you wanted.” 

Harry opens his eyes for that. He looks nervous but also excited. “Okay.”

Harry sits up and leans sideways against the headboard. Louis sits up as well. He runs his hands through Harry’s hair to get the tangles out. “Can I have your hair tie?” Harry holds up his wrist for Louis to take. He keeps a hair tie around his wrist for the rare times that he puts his hair in a bun.

Louis expertly braids Harry’s hair. He starts with a small portion of hair on the side of his head by his ear. He uses the French braid technique. “Where did you learn how to braid so well?”

“I have five younger sisters.” Louis replies automatically. He feels sadness ripple through him after saying that. He exhales a long breath. “They used to always want me to braid their hair.” He pauses, unable to continue. It hurt Louis too much to reminisce about the sisters he hasn’t seen or spoken to in years. Harry stays quiet and silently urges him to continue. “They would sit in a line on the couch and wait patiently for me to finish with the first sister.” Louis smiles at the memory. 

Harry looks back over his shoulder to see Louis. “Will you tell me more about them? They seem lovely.” He adds a bright smile to calm Louis’ nerves. 

“Okay.” Louis says hesitantly. “Lottie is the oldest of the girls. She was always so motherly to the others. She and I would have to stay home with the littles a lot when mum had to work overtime.” Louis swallows thickly. He always feels the worst about leaving Lottie because she had such a bright future ahead of her that Louis took away. “When I got older I would get annoyed that mum wanted me to stay home. I always wanted to go out with friends and drink or smoke. Lots never minded staying home. She loved all of them so much and liked spending time with them even though they were much younger.” Louis chuckles but it leaves a bitter taste in his mouth. He doesn’t feel like he should be allowed to laugh and smile while thinking about them. He’s not worthy. “She’s normally a sweetheart but on a rare occasion she could be a sassy little firecracker.” 

“That sounds like my sister, too. I’m sure she and Lottie would be friends.” Harry says with a small smile. 

“I’m sure they would.” Louis says quietly, his mouth in a tight line. He wishes that things were different and that he and Harry’s families could meet. He wishes that they didn’t hate him even though it’s his fault in the first place. 

“Keep going.” Harry encourages. He reaches behind him and squeezes Louis’ thigh comfortingly. 

“Fizzy is the tallest of all of the siblings.” Louis frowns. “At least she was. I don’t know now.” He takes a deep breath “Uh, anyway.. We always connected the best. She was a little shit like me. She liked to raise hell which I, of course, encouraged. Mum would scold me all the time that I was being a bad influence on her but neither of us seemed to mind. She always looked up to me. She’d always say that I was her favorite sibling… and her best friend.” Louis feels his throat starting to close. He’s trying to stay calm and not cry. He misses Fizzy so much. He wonders if she resents him the most out of the siblings. He completely abandoned her. 

“A female Louis? I bet your household was loud.” Harry comments with a laugh. 

Louis smiles at that. “It was. Then there is the older twins. Phoebe and Daisy. They were always attached at the hip. For the longest time, it was hard to tell them apart so mum would put them in different colors. They definitely played that to their advantage in school. Mum would get calls from their teachers explaining that they had switched places. My step dad would always laugh about it but mum was furious.” Louis is genuinely surprised at how much he’s talking about his mother. He’s barely talked about her since she died. It’s comforting that the words still come so freely and he can still look back with happiness and joy and not just sadness. “The twins were so close that they had a secret language that just they could understand. It drove mum up the wall.”

“They sound lovely, Lou.” Harry says honestly. Louis continues to braid his hair. He keeps undoing and redoing the braid because he’s rusty and he doesn’t think it looks good enough yet. For Harry it has to be perfect. 

“They were-- are. Then there is the little twins. Ernest and Doris. Since the moment Ernie was born, he was my little buddy. I had always grown up with girls so it was nice to finally have a brother.” Louis stops and gathers his thoughts. He always felt so terrible about leaving the family but it was probably best for Ernest and Doris because they won’t remember him. “They were only two and a half… when I left. I knew from the time Ernie was about nine months that he was going to be like Fiz and I. He had all of this energy and was very ornery. Doris was the complete opposite. She was very timid and gentle… A lot like you actually, babe. She had this laugh, though. It lit up an entire room.” 

“I bet Doris and I would be very close. I’m really good with kids.” Harry says happily. 

Louis matches his smile. Despite being sad and nostalgic, Harry is comforting him just by being there. Louis takes a good look at Harry. The braid was perfect and Harry looks absolutely gorgeous. 

“H.. could I take a picture of you?” Harry gives him a puzzled look. “You just look so beautiful right now and I want to capture it so you can see what I mean.”

Harry blushes at him. “Okay.”

Louis smiles widely at him. This is progress. Harry is actually allowing himself to be photographed and Louis doesn’t think he used to. Louis reaches past him and grabs his phone on the bedside table. He backs up to get more of a full body shot of Harry. The other boy looks so bashful. 

“Smile, baby.” 

Harry does as he’s told but it’s a very shy smile. He’s hiding half of his face in his hair. He somehow still manages to have his dimple showing even though he only manages a small smile. He looks absolutely stunning. The braid really suits him. He has both masculine and feminine characteristics that the braid suited his personality perfectly. Louis captures the perfect picture. If he could keep one picture of Harry for the rest of his life, it would be this one. 

“You’re so beautiful, Harry.”

Harry’s smile grows but he doesn’t say anything. Instead, he kisses Louis softly. The kiss doesn’t last long but it has Louis feeling lightheaded. Harry yawns after they part. Louis decides that it’s time to lay down and cuddle. He hands Harry his phone to look at the picture he had just taken and then he gets off of the bed to turn off the light. 

“I like the braid.” Harry says quietly. 

Louis will take that as a small win. Harry didn’t directly compliment himself but he likes something on himself so that is a start. Louis kisses his nose and lays down next to the other man. They lay in comfortable silence for a long time. Louis begins to think that Harry fell asleep until he clears his throat and adjusts the way he’s laying. He moves his head to better get a glimpse of Louis. 

“Have you thought about going there? To Doncaster, I mean.”

“Nearly everyday.” Louis replies automatically.

“Then why don’t you?”

He thinks about why he doesn’t everyday. “I’ve put them through enough, Harry. I abandoned them. It would be so selfish of me to just come back and expect them to accept me with open arms.”

“But they are your family, Lou. They love you.” 

Louis feels his throat tighten at those words. He loves his siblings so much but he’s too fucked up to be around them. He’s sure that it felt like they lost him as well as their mum. The only one he has had contact with is Lottie and that has been very minimal. “I love them too. But I just can’t.” 

Harry is quiet for a few minutes. “If you ever change your mind, I could go with you. I’d hold your hand through it all. You deserve all the happiness in the world, Lou. And I know having your family in your life would make you happier.” 

Harry is completely right. He doesn’t want to admit it but he is. “Maybe.”

*H*

A week has passed since Harry came over and cheered Louis up. Things between them are really good. Harry has stayed over at Louis’ place every day but two. Neither seem to be able to stay away from the other for too long. Harry can’t help it that he’s so happy when he is with Louis. Louis seems to be really happy with him which he finds so hard to believe. It was confirmed for him, though, when he noticed that Louis’ lock screen picture is of Harry with his braid. He tries not to doubt Louis after seeing that.

Harry wakes up on Saturday cuddled into Louis’ side. The other man is still sound asleep. Harry basks in the sleepy cuddles for a little while longer. Louis is so warm and still has a protective arm around Harry even when he’s deep asleep. 

Harry only gets up from bed when his stomach starts growling so loud that he thinks it may wake up Louis. Harry places several kisses against Louis’ chest and then weasels his way out of Louis’ arm. It’s tricky since Louis’ arm is dead weight on top of him but he’s also not that big so Harry manages to break free rather easily.   
Harry is naked so he rummages quietly around Louis’ drawers until he finds a shirt that looks big enough to fit him and a pair of boxers. Unfortunately, the shirt is short sleeved so his ugly scars show. 

Harry walks into Louis’ kitchen and gathers his ingredients. He wants to make Louis breakfast in bed. It’s the least he can do. He always stays at Louis’ and never the other way around. He wants Louis to wake up with a smile on his face. 

Harry looks through Louis’ fridge to find eggs and sausage. He’s going to make Louis a big breakfast with basically any food that he can find that would work in a breakfast dish. He is moving around the kitchen like a wild man. 

One thing that Harry hates about wearing a short sleeved t-shirt with nothing on over it is that he is constantly looking at his scars. It’s not just the scars the bother him. They are hideous but that’s not the only reason. Those scars remind him of everything he hates about himself. Every insecurity that has came across his mind. Every single thing negative that someone has said about him. It is all etched on his forearm. He can normally get away with forgetting they are there because he constantly keeps them covered but that’s not the case right now. Sunlight is creeping into the kitchen and shining light on those imperfections.

Harry already doesn’t have the best self confidence. Even if he didn’t have the scars on his arm, he wouldn’t think very highly of himself. He thinks that he’s too skinny and yet still has love handles which doesn’t make any sense to him. His legs are too long which makes him uncoordinated and clumsy which attracts more attention on himself that he doesn’t want. He always has the worst dark circles under his eyes because he doesn’t sleep very well. His hair is always an unkept mess. These are only few of the physical attributes that he hates about him. The internal things that he hates about himself would take days to list off. 

Harry doesn’t realize that he’s crying until a tear falls off his cheek and unto the counter. Once they start, they don’t really stop. Silent tears continue to roll down his cheeks. He hated hating himself. He despises himself even more for being so hard on himself. It is a never ending cycle that Harry wishes he could break. 

Harry tries to keep prepping the food and oiling the pans but he needs a second. He rests both hands on the counter and lowers his head. He closes his eyes and tries to take deep breaths. He’s so in his head that he doesn’t hear Louis’ bedroom door open. 

“Good morning.” Louis greets groggily. Harry is brought back to reality and cocks his head up. He locks eyes with Louis. “What’s wrong, baby?” Louis facial expression changes to one of worry. 

Harry quickly wipes his eyes and sniffles. “Nothing. I’m fine. I’m, uh, making you breakfast. I was going to surprise you so… surprise.” 

Normally, that’s something that Louis would laugh at but he’s not laughing. He’s frowning and he’s looking at Harry like he’s expecting him to say what is wrong. “Talk to me.” 

Harry distracts himself with mixing the ingredients for the pancakes. “It’s nothing.” Harry mumbles.

“It’s obviously something, H. You’re crying.” 

Harry sighs loudly. He knows he has to tell Louis. He would pester him with questions and concerns until he did. “I just really hate myself sometimes.” 

Louis looks at him in disbelief. “How could you-- How could you ever?”

“Years of practice and years of being told every little thing that is wrong with me.” 

Louis walks closer to Harry but doesn’t touch him. “There’s nothing wrong with you.”

“Everything is wrong with me.”

“Harry, look at me.” Louis gently rests his hand on Harry’s cheek to guide his face to look at him. “You are the most beautiful person in the world to me. Everything I see in front of me is perfect.”

“I want to believe you.” Harry whispers. 

Louis pulls Harry’s face close to him and clashes their lips together. The kiss is heated but in control. Louis is trying to convey everything he can’t say through words into the kiss. Harry really wants to believe them. They part and Louis backs Harry into the cabinets so he can comfortably lean on them. 

“Tell me what you don’t like about yourself.”

Harry scoffs. “It would be easier to tell you what I do like.” 

“I’m serious, babe. Just try. I want to help.” 

“The most obvious are my scars. They are so hideous. I can’t even wear short sleeves without having a breakdown.”

Louis takes Harry’s forearm in his hand and brings it close to his face. He presses gentle kisses on each of the scars. “There is beauty in everything, Harry.” Louis kisses the scars again. “The beauty in these is that you’re still here. Still with me.” 

Harry doesn’t know what to say to that so he doesn’t say anything. Louis places his finger under Harry’s chin so he’ll look at him. “Don’t doubt what I’m saying. When I see your scars, I’m not repulsed or disgusted like you are. I’m just happy that it wasn’t deeper and they healed… you’re a survivor, H.” Louis kisses the scars one last time. “What else?”

“I don’t like my ears.” Louis gives him a look to elaborate. “My dad used to say I looked like an elf and that they are disproportionate to my head.” 

Louis tucks lose strands of hair behind Harry’s ear to reveal the ear. Louis gets closer to the ear and ends up kissing the skin under the ear. It sends shivers down his spine. Eventually Louis nibbles on Harry’s ear. He wasn’t aware of the effect that would have on him. “You ears look perfectly fine to me, H. They are completely proportionate to your head and they don’t make you look like an elf.” Louis whispers into Harry’s ear. The tiny hairs on Harry’s neck stick up at Louis’ warm breath on his skin. “What else?”

“My hairline.” 

Louis’ lips move to Harry’s temple and he kisses along his forehead. His lips follow Harry’s slight receding hairline. “Your hair is one of my many favorite things about you. Your hair is luscious and beautiful. There is nothing wrong with you hairline, baby.” Louis says with his lips wavering over Harry’s skin. Harry yelps in surprise when Louis lifts him up and sets him on the counter. “Tell me more.” 

Harry was already beginning to feel a little better about himself. He has never had someone say so many nice things about him in such a small time frame. He’s overwhelmed with emotion. He’s also beginning to get turned on which is probably mildly inappropriate but Harry can’t help it. He’s getting so horny by the fact that someone is this into him. He’s still amazed that that person is Louis. He still thinks that it is impressive that Louis can pick him up. 

“I don’t like my love handles.” 

Louis puts his hands on Harry’s sides and squeezes. Louis makes an impressed noise and bites his lip. He hikes up Harry’s shirt but pauses to get Harry’s approval. Harry nods so Louis yanks the clothing off. Louis throws it on the floor somewhere. Louis’ delicate hands roughly knead at the flesh. 

“Baby, I could talk about your love handles for hours.” Louis’ lips travel down Harry’s chest and torso until they meet where his hands already are. “They are such a beautiful part of your body.” Louis nibbles on the skin and then continues to leave sloppy kisses around every inch he can reach. “I always want to put my hands on them and give them the attention they deserve.” Louis’ breath is hot against Harry’s skin.

“My stomach is pudgy.”

Louis’ lips travel to Harry’s stomach. “That’s ridiculous, H. Your stomach is toned as fuck. You look so good. You’re so fucking fit.” Louis licks a stripe from Harry’s belly button to the hem of his boxers. It sends shivers down Harry’s spine. His boxers are getting uncomfortably tight because he’s achingly hard. He’s trying to will it away because Louis is trying to be sweet and help Harry gain confidence. Harry can’t help the fact that Louis is touching every inch of his body. It’s going to make him feel a certain type of way. By the way Louis looks, it doesn’t look like he minds. Louis’ cheeks are flushed and his pupils are blown. Louis’ finger traces along Harry’s happy trail. Harry’s breath hitches.“You look so good. I promise I’m not just saying that. I would never tell you something just because you want to hear it. I tell you them because I mean them. I’m telling you because I think about them every second of every day. Your body is fucking stunning, Harry.”

Harry’s body keens forward to meet Louis’ mouth. He loves having Louis’ mouth all over his body. Louis’ tongue teases with the hem of Harry’s boxers. “Fuck.” Harry whispers and bites his lip. 

“Tell me more.” Louis’ hot breath against Harry’s hip bone has him writhing for more. 

“My--my thighs. And legs. I don’t like that my legs are so long and lanky but my thighs are huge. It doesn’t make sense.” Harry rushes the words out faster than he normally speaks. 

Harry is caught by surprise when Louis spreads his legs. He instinctively spreads them more, not even caring if that makes him look eager. Louis starts around Harry’s ankle and kisses up his leg. It’s like Harry’s entire body is ignited. Louis stops just above his knee.

“Your legs are incredible, H. I know I joke about them being so long but I fucking love them. They are so strong and but also so pretty. When you wrap your legs around me, I could honestly lose it.” Louis’ lips inch higher so they are against Harry’s inner thigh. He sucks a small love bite against the skin. Harry whines for more. He didn’t know how sensitive his inner thighs were. “You have no idea the effect you have on me.” His breath is so hot against the skin of Harry’s inner thigh. 

Harry can’t get enough of Louis touching him like this. Louis’ stubble is rubbing against the skin of his thighs in all the right ways. The thought of having beard burn in such an intimate area makes Harry feel weak. Louis has no idea the effect he has on him. He’s only ever felt this way with Louis. Louis knows just what to do and how to make Harry lose it. 

Louis’s lips make their way to the bottom hem of Harry’s boxers. He licks the skin softly and then removes his mouth altogether. Harry pouts because he likes Louis’ mouth on him. Louis looks up at Harry and smirks. He attaches his lips to Harry’s other leg and starts at his ankle like the first time. He kisses his way up Harry’s calf and again stops above the knee. 

“Your thighs.. Fuck, Harry. I love your thighs. They are perfect. And sexy. I, uh--” Louis lets out a sort of breathy laugh. “I’d love for you to sit on my face sometime. Want all you can give me… Those thighs straddling my face.. Jesus.” The words send a pang of pleasure throughout Harry’s body. 

Harry is wrecked. After those words Louis spoke, he can’t control himself. He moves his hips closer to Louis’ face. He wants Louis to suck at his inner thighs again. Louis gets the hint and does just that. Louis sucks at the skin on this thigh much more rough than he did the other one. He seems to be getting impatient to do things to Harry. 

“What else?” Louis whispers against Harry’s inner thigh. Louis is inching closer and closer to Harry’s dick which is hard and tenting in his boxers.

“My bum.. or lack there of.” Harry responds. 

Louis detaches his lips from Harry’s inner thigh and kisses his way up his body. He hastily engulfs Harry’s lips in a bruising kiss. 

Harry yelps in surprise when Louis grabs his bum and lifts him off of the counter. He lets Harry’s feet hit the floor before letting go of him. He grabs both of Harry’s ass cheeks in each hand and kneads at the skin. “Baby.” Louis whispers.

Before Harry knows what’s happening, Louis turns him around so that his bum is facing him. Harry places his hands on the counter for balance. Harry looks back at Louis to try to gauge what his next move is. Louis is kneeling behind Harry. Harry sharply inhales a breath at the sight. 

Louis licks and nibbles at the skin of Harry’s lower back that is directly above the hem of his boxers. Louis pulls them down the curve of Harry’s bum in one swift motion. He pulls them down his legs and Harry steps out of them. 

Louis plants bruising kisses along the small curve of Harry’s bum. He is inching closer to Harry’s hole. “How could you ever say that you’re lacking a bum? Baby, you have such a perky little bum.” Louis spreads Harry’s cheeks apart, exposing his hole. He licks stripe along the ring of muscle but not actually adding any pressure. Harry has to bite his lip to keep from moaning. “I can’t get enough of it.” 

Harry likes Louis’ tongue on him. Louis has never tried this before so it is completely new to him. Louis is lapping his tongue along Harry hole but never actually inserting it. Harry feels so on edge. He wants more, more, more. His body instinctively moves towards Louis’ mouth. 

“Want it.” Harry practically begs. 

Louis hums in approval against Harry’s hole before sliding his tongue past the strong ring of muscle. Harry cries out at the sensation. He rests weight on his elbows and forearms on the counter because his body is already shaking. 

Louis thrusts his tongue in and out of Harry’s hole. It’s such a new sensation for Harry but he loves it. It’s different than Louis’ fingers but it is a good different. There is a constant stream of obscene wet sounds filling the air. 

“_Fuck._” Harry moans into his arm. 

Louis continues to fuck his tongue into Harry. His tongue is so deep, almost as deep as his fingers get. Harry can’t get enough of this. He doesn’t know why they’ve never tried this before. He feels so good. Little sounds continue to escape his lips. His lips are bitten raw. He’s trying to stay still for Louis but it’s beginning to be difficult for him. His hips move on their own violation to chase the feeling every time Louis starts pulling away. 

“You’re so good at this, Lou.” Harry whimpers into his arms.

All of Harry’s body weight rest on his arms which are laid out along the counter. His bum is pushed out as far away from the counter as it can comfortably be in order to chase the feeling that Louis is giving him. 

“Oh my _god!_” Harry moans out when Louis adds a finger along with his tongue. 

Harry feels so full and yet not full enough. Louis’ finger reaches places that his tongue can’t. It’s unraveling Harry even more than before. 

Harry looks back and the sight he sees is mind blowing. He can barely see Louis’ facial features because he is so into Harry’s bum. An involuntary choked noise escapes Harry’s throat which gets Louis’ attention. They lock eyes momentarily until Harry has to look away. If he would have continued to look at Louis eating him out so eagerly, he would have came in no time at all. 

Harry didn’t think it were possible but Louis’ tongue plunges even deeper inside of him. Louis has such a skillful tongue that it’s baffling to Harry. 

Harry’s entire body goes rigid when Louis’ tongue presses against his prostate. Harry’s reaction seemed to indicate that Louis found his prostate so he keeps his tongue where it is and flicks the bundle of nerves that Harry doesn’t know whether he wants to move towards or away from it. It’s almost too much for Harry because it’s so much pleasure in such a little time frame. 

“_Louis!_” Harry moans out. He’s louder than he expected to be but he doesn’t care at this point. 

Harry situates himself so that he only has weight on one arm and wraps his free hand around himself. His strokes are slow but make him feel even better. At this time, Louis adds a second finger into the mix. Harry feels so stretched and full. He wants more; he needs more. 

Louis slides his tongue out of Harry and adds a third finger along with the other two. It’s a much tighter fit and the stretch borders being painful but he still moves his hips to meet Louis’ knuckles. 

“Fuck you’re so gorgeous.” Louis says against Harry’s bum. He repeatedly kisses and licks the skin. “You taste so good.” Louis’ voice is more high pitched than usual. This tends to happen when he’s turned on and trying to contain himself. He has a considerable amount of self control that Harry wishes he himself had. Louis’ lips move up to The small of Harry’s back. “You’re the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.” 

Harry can feel his cheeks warm into a blush even in his disheveled state. He doesn’t deserve the many kind words that Louis has said to him this morning. He treasures every word, of course, but he doesn’t feel like they should be said about him. 

“Want you inside of me.” Harry begs all too quietly. He’s still not the most confident person in the bedroom so it’s sometimes hard for him to articulate what he wants.   
Louis makes a noise of approval. He scissors his fingers a few more times. He makes sure to hit Harry’s prostate which leaves him panting for more when Louis finally slides his fingers out. 

“We need lube.” Louis kisses the small of Harry’s back. “Stay still.” Louis says and gets up off of the floor. He exits the kitchen.

Harry stays where he is with his bum sticking out. It finally hits him that Louis only said lube. They discussed not using a condom a few days ago. Louis has gotten tested and showed Harry the clean results. He was very sweet about letting Harry know that it was just an option and they could always have sex with protection if he wanted. Harry told him that he wanted to try everything with Louis. He trusted Louis with everything and wanted to do it raw just as much as Louis did. He’s heard that without a condom feels so much better which must be otherworldly because with one still feels fantastic. Harry is both eager and nervous. 

Louis returns to the kitchen with a bottle of lube and a condom in hand. “I brought one just in case. Are you sure, H?” 

Harry nods repeatedly. “I’m sure. Just fuck me. Please.” 

Louis drops his boxers. Harry looks over his shoulder and his tip is dripping precome. He’s as turned on and ready to go as Harry is. Louis hastily opens the bottle of lube and pours a generous amount onto his cock. He pumps his length a few times to evenly distribute the lube. 

Both men moan when Louis finally slides his cock inside of Harry. It is a whole new sensation than what Harry is used to. It’s like he feels everything but it’s amplified times a hundred. He doesn’t know how he’s going to last more than a few minutes. 

Louis doesn’t give Harry much time to adjust but he doesn’t need it. He only wants more. Louis slides most of the way out of Harry only to thrust back into him with such force that Harry knocks into a few of the things on the counter. 

“You feel so fucking good, H.” Louis grunts out to which Harry moans in response. He thrusts himself in and out of him several more times. “Not going to last long with you—fuck— looking and feeling as good as you do.” Harry whines in response.

Louis is much more rough and aggressive with his thrusts this time around but Harry doesn’t mind. In fact, he encourages it. Harry cants his hips back to meet Louis’. He can’t get over the fullness he feels and feeling every inch of Louis without a barrier. He’s never felt so close to a person before. 

Louis grabs ahold of Harry’s hips roughly. Harry loves feeling Louis’ hands all over his body. “Your love handles are so lovely, H. Love to dig my fingers into them.” Louis’ hips quicken with the security of Louis’ hands on Harry’s hips. Louis lowers his neck so his lips are hovering over Harry’s back muscles. “You’re so stunning, Harry.” As soon as the words come out, Louis moans so beautifully that Harry has to focus on not coming right at that moment. 

Louis’ thrusts are fast and relentless. On a particular thrust, Louis flicks his hips so hard that Harry’s arm knocks into the bowl that he was making the pancake mix in and it falls off the counter. Thankfully it is plastic so it doesn’t break but the mix still empties on the floor. Both men are too far gone to care. 

Louis moves one hand to Harry’s shoulder and arches Harry’s back. The change of angle feels great to both of them. Harry moans into his inner arm. 

Harry cries out in bliss when Louis hits his prostate. Louis intertwines his fingers in Harry’s hair and tugs gently. Harry moves into the touch. He quite likes Louis pulling his hair. 

Louis is still thrusting into Harry with everything that he has. He’s hitting Harry prostate most every time. Harry is moaning freely. The pleasure is so much that Harry has tears welling in his eyes. 

“Harder! I’m so _close._” Harry moans into the quiet kitchen. The only sounds in the entire flat are their moans and the smacking of skin to skin contact. Louis’ moans are music to Harry’s ears. 

Harry wraps a hand around himself. His weight is too heavy for his one shaky arm to hold up so he falls against the counter. He fists his cock fast and desperately.

“I’m gonna come.” Louis practically whimpers as his thrusts begin to get sloppy. Harry feels so close as well. This is the best sex he and Louis have ever had. “_Fuck_, Harry!” Louis moans and stills his hips.

Harry comes undone because he feels Louis pulsating inside of him. He can feel Louis’ come filling him up. He doesn’t even last one more flick of his wrist before he’s coming into his fist. 

Louis stays inside of Harry for another minute. He places gentle kisses along Harry’s back which is a stark contrast to his thrusts not even five minutes ago. He finally pulls out of him when he starts to soften. Harry clenches around nothing and already misses being that full. 

Louis plops down onto the kitchen floor and rests his back on the cabinets. Harry is about to follow his lead when his face contorts in shock at this new sensation. Louis’ come begins to dribble out of him and down his inner thighs. He supposes it should be disgusting but he doesn’t feel that way. It’s such a new feeling but he likes it. Harry carefully sits down next to Louis. 

The two men are quiet for a few minutes, catching their breaths. Harry cuddles up against Louis’ sweaty chest. Louis wraps his arms around Harry. 

“You are the most beautiful thing in the world to me. It breaks my heart that you can’t see you how I see you. I wish I could show you. You’d never feel badly about yourself ever again.” Louis says, emotion growing in his voice. 

“I know that you see me in a certain way.. in such a positive way. I know that. I just have a hard time seeing it for myself. I’m trying though.. for you. I don’t want to see myself poorly because of you. That’s not something I ever thought would happen.” Harry pauses. “You’re changing me. In such a good way.” 

“You’re changing me too, baby.” Louis kisses the sweaty fringe on the top of Harry’s head. “I’m going to keep telling you the infinite things that I find beautiful about you until you believe it.” Louis chuckles shortly. “Even after you start to believe it, I’ll still tell you because you should know how beautiful I think you are every single day.”

Harry feels like he could cry from the words that Louis is saying. He doesn’t deserve such a kind hearted man telling him these things. He doesn’t know how to respond. If they keep talking about this, he knows that he will lose it and start crying on Louis’ bare chest. 

“We should probably clean this up, huh?” Harry asks, forcing out a laugh. 

Louis giggles. That’s a sound Harry doesn’t hear enough of. “Now who’s fault was that?” Louis taunts. 

Harry smiles and it’s genuine. “Yours.”

Louis full body laughs. It vibrates Harry’s body. “I guess I’ll take credit for it. With my amazing sex skills and all.”

Harry starts laughing. He playfully smacks Louis on the side. “C’mon, mister sex god. Let’s clean this mess up and make some breakfast that you won’t interrupt me making.” 

Louis smirks. “I didn’t see you complaining.” 

Harry smirks back. “I wasn’t.”

*L*

Louis gets to the university on Wednesday a few minutes ahead of schedule. To his surprise, Zayn is waiting in his office. He looks stressed out. He looks like he hasn’t slept all night. 

“Hey, mate. What’s up?”

“The fucking world may be ending, that’s what’s up.” Zayn snaps and then runs a nervous hand through his hair. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to snap.”  
Louis sits down at his desk chair. “Why don’t you tell me what’s going on?”

Zayn stands up and starts pacing across the room. “So basically, I could get fired.”

Louis is stunned silent. He opens and closes his mouth several times. He doesn’t know what to say. “Why?”

“Because I fucked a student. Why else?”

“Has the dean talked to you?”

Zayn shakes his head. “No, Ben hasn’t talked to me yet. I know it’ll happen soon enough.” 

Louis gives him a puzzled look. “How do you know you’re going to be fired if no one from the school has spoken to you yet?”

“I was talking to one of my students.” Louis cocks his eyebrow up questioningly. “And no. I was not sleeping with her. I wouldn’t do that to Liam.” Louis opens his mouth to interrupt him but Zayn puts up a hand, silently asking him to continue. Louis closes his mouth and listens to the rest of what Zayn has to say. “I was talking to one of my students. Her name is Taylor. She’s an insufferable know-it-all but she’s a good student and we have a lot of conversations about books. Anyway, she came into my office about thirty minutes ago to warn me about what is about to happen.”

“And that is?”

“She told me that one of the students that I fucked in the past is going to come forward to Ben and the rest of the university. The girl’s name is Gigi. We had a thing a few months back. She was the last student I slept with before I started seeing Liam. She was under the impression I was going to actually date her which you know that’s not normally what happens. Well, she didn’t take the news very well at all. She wouldn’t let it go for the longest time. I finally had to tell her that she needed to stop and I explained to her that I have a boyfriend. This was last week. She was surprisingly calm so I just assumed that I fixed the issue. Then Taylor talked to me today and now I realize that I’m seriously fucked.”

“Maybe she’s just bluffing. You don’t know for sure she’s going to go to Ben.”

Zayn laughs bitterly. “It’s not like I’ll be able to go to his office and ask if a student has come in here spreading rumors about me fucking her, now can I?”

“No, I guess not.” Louis clears his throat awkwardly. “So, you’re boyfriend… Liam, was it? What does he say about all of this?” Louis feels weird asking about his boyfriend considering this is the first time he’s even heard his name.

Zayn sighs loudly. “You know, mate.. I didn’t want to tell you like this but my boyfriend is Harry’s roommate. Small world, right?” Zayn jokes but his voice is not at all in the joking tone. 

Louis is shocked. He never would have connected those dots. He wonders if Harry knows.

“Wow, yeah. Small world.” Louis mumbles, allowing Zayn to continue. 

“Liam is being very supportive. I called him before I came into your office. He knew of the shit that was happening with her. He knows that I used to whore around before we started dating. He’s such a genuine person, Lou. I’m really lucky to have him.”

Louis grins at his friend. In all of the time he has known Zayn, he’s only seen him in one serious relationship and that was a disaster. It ended so badly that Zayn hasn’t dated anyone seriously since then. He’s happy that Zayn found someone he connects with. 

“I’m happy for you, Zaynie. You need someone like him.”

Zayn’s lips perk up into a small smile. “I do.” He turns to leave Louis’ office. “Hey, listen… I’ve got to go teach what might be my last class at this university. I’ll keep you updated, yeah?”

“Okay.. I’ll talk to you later, Zaynie.”

Classes are stressful for Louis. His head isn’t really in it today. He’s worried about Zayn. As soon as he gets home, he texts Harry.

_To Harry: Baby.. could you come over? I’ve had a rough day today and could really use some cuddles from my boy. _

Louis sets his phone down for a minute before his phone vibrates in reply. 

_From Harry: Of course, Lou. I’m on my way now. _

It takes Harry about thirty minutes to walk over to Louis’ place. Louis can already feel the tension begin to dissipate when Harry knocks on the front door. He gets up off of the couch and rushes to the door. Harry doesn’t have time to say one word before Louis engulfs him in a hug. 

“Well, hello to you too.” Harry chuckles and wraps his arms around Louis. 

“I really needed that.” Louis whispers into Harry’s chest.

They part and Harry walks into the flat. Louis closes the door and they both sit on the couch. Louis immediately cuddles into Harry. He doesn’t care that Harry likes being the little spoon. Right now, he needs this. 

“So what’s going on, love?” Harry asks, wrapping his arm around him.

“It’s just.. Zayn may get fired.” 

Harry stares at Louis in shock. “What? Why?”

“He used to have a thing for sleeping with students. It’s caught up to him, I guess. One of the women that he slept with is threatening to tell the dean of the English Department. His name is Ben Winston. He’s a real arse if you ask me. He’s had it in for Zayn and I since we started working there. He needs any excuse to fire either one of us and he’d do it.”

Harry’s tightens his arms around Louis. It’s comforting to Louis. “So what will happen if this girl tells the dean? It’s just an allegation, right? They can’t fire him just because one student claims that Zayn slept with them. Where’s the proof?”

“Well actually, there’s a ton of proof. Zayn has a tendency to feel invincible about most things so he can be quite reckless. I only know this because he’s my best friend, but he sent tons of pictures of his dick to her…” Louis has to suppress a laugh. “He likes to show off.”

Harry looks scandalized for a moment. It’s like his recently unvirginized ears couldn’t handle that. “I don’t understand why he would send pictures when he’s a professor and there’s always a possibility of getting caught.”

“Again, he likes to think the rules don’t apply to him.”

“That’s really irresponsible of him. Still, all the people he slept with were of age?” Louis nods. “Then I don’t see the problem.” Harry pauses. “Unless he was sleeping with them as leverage to get a good grade or something.” 

Louis shakes his head. “Definitely not my Zaynie.” Harry’s eyes narrow at the mention of Louis’ nickname for Zayn. He chooses to drop it. “I also found out today that Zayn is dating your roommate Liam.” Harry doesn’t react to the news. “I take it you knew?”

“Uh, yeah. Liam asked me not to say anything to you until Zayn told you himself. I had to respect his wishes. I’m sorry, babe. I did really want to tell you. I don’t like keeping secrets from you.”

“Don’t be sorry. You’re a good friend, baby.” Louis replies and plants a kiss on Harry’s cheek. 

“We should do something nice for them.” Harry suggests. 

“Oh yeah, like what?” Louis would like to do something nice for his best friend but he doesn’t really know what would make Zayn feel better at this point.

“Well, Niall brought up going on a triple date a few weeks ago.” Louis flashes him a look. He is not convinced. “Oh, come on, Lou! It could be fun. We could invite them all over here. I could cook a meal for everyone and you could help if you wanted.” Louis smirks at him and thinks back to the breakfast shenanigans from last week. 

“I’ll ask him but I don’t know if he’ll be up for it.” He kisses Harry’s shoulder. “I’ll help you with whatever you need me too, babe.” 

Louis brings it up to Zayn the next day. It’s a Thursday so it’s Louis’ slower day. Zayn doesn’t seem to be as antsy today compared to yesterday. He’s sipping on a cup of coffee in his office and scrolling mindlessly on his phone.

“Hey Zaynie.” 

Zayn looks up from his phone. “Louis, hi.” 

“How are things?” Louis asks while taking a seat in the chair across the room. 

“Well, I still haven’t heard anything. No news is good news, I suppose.” 

“Has Taylor said anything more to you?”

Zayn shakes his head. “She said that she’d keep me updated so I guess that means Gigi hasn’t officially filed a complaint against me.”

“I mean.. that’s good news, mate.”

Zayn shrugs and shakes his head. “Anyway.. Enough about me. What’s been going on with you?”

“Uh, yeah. Things are good. Things are good with Harry. That’s actually why I came in to talk to you. H thought of a good idea and I wanted to run it by you.”

“Okay, yeah. What is it?” 

“So, Liam and Harry’s other roommate Niall mentioned to them a few weeks ago about wanting to triple date.” Zayn’s eyebrow cocks up in interest. “I would have it at my place. Harry wants to cook for all of you. He’s a really good cook so it’d be a nice meal.” 

“Liam has been talking about his friends more and more. He keeps saying how much we would all get along. I’ve been taking the hint. He wants me to spent time with his best friends. This would be the perfect opportunity, wouldn’t it?” 

Louis smiles in agreement. “Yeah, it would. You would also have your best mate there to help you through it.” Louis chuckles quietly. “Although you won’t be needing much help. My Harry is lovely… But you already know that since you’ve had him in class.” 

Zayn makes a face at Louis. “I’ve never seen you so _gone_ for someone before.” 

Louis rolls his eyes. “I haven’t seen you so gone for someone either, Z.” 

Louis vacates the conversation shortly after that comment is made. Louis refuses to think about it. He goes to the classroom a few minutes earlier than normal and teaches his two Thursday classes. He is in a weird mood for the rest of the day. 

Saturday finally rolls around. The other two couples had agreed to have a group date. Harry spent the past two days planning everything. Louis hasn’t seen him this excited about anything before. It made Louis happy to see Harry so happy. That happiness only took him so far though because he’s worried sick about Zayn’s fate at the university. He keeps a smile on his face, though. He doesn’t want to ruin Harry’s happiness. Harry’s happiness is everything to him. 

Harry slaves over the stove for about two hours before everyone arrives. Louis tries to help him but he ends up getting in Harry’s way so he busies himself with deep cleaning his living room. 

There is a knock at the front door at around six. Louis hollers to Harry to let him know that he’ll get it and he can keep cooking. He opens the door to see a grinning couple that isn’t Zayn so he figures this is Niall and his girlfriend Julia.

“Hi!” Louis squeaks. He doesn’t know why he’s so nervous to meet Harry’s friends but he is. It’s probably because Harry’s friends are very important to him and Louis really wants to make a good impression on them. Harry would be crushed if his best friends didn’t like him.

“You must be Louis!” Niall replies and wraps him in a hug. 

Louis is momentarily caught off guard but eventually hugs him back. “It’s great to finally meet you. I’ve heard so much about you.” 

“I wish I could say the same but I only heard about you a few weeks ago.” Niall laughs at his own joke. “I’m only joking. Haz has filled me in on all of the juicy details.” He winks at Louis.

Louis’ first impression of Niall is loud and kind of obnoxious. He thinks he and Niall will get along great. 

“Hi, I’m Niall’s girlfriend. Julia.” The woman behind Niall says quietly. She seems a lot quieter than Niall. 

“Hi, nice to meet you.” Louis extends his hand to shake Julia’s. They shake hands and Louis invites them inside.

“Harry’s cooking right now. I’m sure he’ll be out any minute. Can I get either of you anything to drink?” 

“A beer would be great, mate.” Niall asks.

A pang of jealousy rings through Louis’ body. Harry bought beer for everybody else but Louis can’t partake in the alcohol for obvious reasons. He would love nothing more than to share a beer with Niall right now.

“Yeah, of course. Julia?”

“I’ll take a beer too. Thanks.” 

Louis nods and walks into the kitchen. Harry is stirring whatever he is cooking right now. He’s wearing an oversized cardigan with one of Louis’ white t-shirts. It’s tight on Harry but he insists on wearing it because it smells like Louis. Harry also has his hair in a loose bun. Louis isn’t used to seeing his hair up but it’s a great look. 

“Hey, babe. Who’s here?”

“Niall and Julia. I’m just grabbing them a beer.” 

Worry lines appear on Harry’s face. He walks over to Louis and kisses him shortly. “It’s going to be okay. It’s only a few hours.” 

“I know. It’s just a beer. I can handle it.” Louis says, trying to convince himself. “You look really nice, by the way. Stunning, babe.” 

Harry blushes and kisses Louis one more time. “Go be a good host and I’ll be a good little housewife and finish cooking the food.” 

Louis smiles and walks back out of the living room. Niall and Julia are animatedly talking to each other. He hands them their beers and they talk for a few minutes until there’s another knock on the front door. 

Louis goes over to open it. Of course, it is Zayn and his boyfriend Liam. Louis notes that they are cute together but Liam isn’t Zayn’s usual type. 

“It’s weird actually seeing people in your flat.” Zayn jokes. 

“Yeah, yeah. Fuck off, Zaynie.” Louis counters playfully. 

“Looks like Harry has made an honest man out of you.” 

Louis scoffs exaggeratedly. “If anyone has been made an honest man, it’s you. Good job with that, Liam.” He turn around to face Liam and outreaches his hand. “Nice to meet you, by the way. Harry talks about you all of the time.” 

Liam smiles wildly and shakes Louis’ hand. Louis thinks that he resembles a puppy. “Good things, I hope?”

“Amazing things, don’t worry.”

Harry walks out of the kitchen with the biggest smile etched on his face. “All of my favorite people in one room.” He comments proudly. 

Louis walks over to him and snakes his arms across the small of his back. He kisses him on the cheek. “My favorite person is standing right here.” Louis whispers sweetly. 

Louis hears fake gagging noises coming from the group. He looks over to see who the culprit is. It’s Zayn. “You two are disgusting.” Zayn walks over to Louis and claps him on the back. “Help me get a beer, will you?”

Louis nods and heads into the kitchen with Zayn. Harry stays and chats with his friends. Louis glances at the food and it seems to be simmering and being kept warm. 

“So how are things, Zaynie?” 

Zayn’s lips perk up in the smallest of smiles. “Things are okay, actually. I haven’t heard anything from the Dean so I don’t think Gigi is going to talk. Besides, things are really good with Liam right now. He’s really been here for me. I think I might be in love with him, ya know?”

Louis could look at Zayn once and know that he’s in love. “That’s amazing, Z.. I’m really happy for you. Are you going to tell him?” 

Zayn shrugs. “Once this bullshit is behind us, I will. I don’t want to tell him just because it’s felt like my world was crashing down. I want to tell him when everything is normal. I just want to look at him and say it. Then I want to see that adorable fucking puppy dog smile he has.” Zayn smiles fondly just thinking about it. He’s definitely whipped.

“I’ve never seen you like this, man. It’s great honestly.” 

Zayn smiles wider. “It’s great seeing you with Harry. I haven’t seen you happy like this since before, uh, your mum.” That comment is sobering for Louis but Zayn rushes past it. “You’re good for him too. I had him for a full semester and I never saw him smile once. I see him here with you for two seconds and his smile lights up the entire room.” 

Louis decides it’s enough talk about that so he hands Zayn two beers and they walk back out into the living room. Harry is grinning from ear to ear while joking with his friends. Louis has never seen such a pleasant sight. 

Harry’s food is ready to serve within five more minutes of them talking to one another and joking. Harry’s friends are lovely. Louis really likes Niall. He’s a funny lad. He doesn’t seem to ever shut up but none of them seem to mind. Louis could talk to him for hours and not get tired of him. That’s a rare quality. Liam is charming. Louis can tell why Zayn was initially interested. 

The group sits at the table while Harry brings the food out. Louis offers to help but Harry insists that he can handle it. Harry distributes the food and sits down between Louis and Liam. 

“Food looks fucking killer, Haz.” Niall says, digging right in. 

Harry smiles widely at him. “Just something I wanted to try making. I hope it tastes alright.”

Everyone starts to eat the food and each person has a similar reaction: a small sigh of contentment. Louis’ taste buds are extremely happy right now. They eat in relative silence. Each share comments here and there but they are focused on the food and how delicious it is. 

“So Niall and Liam, please tell me what my Harry was like with you first met him!” 

Niall’s face brightens significantly at the thought of talking about Harry. “He was so quiet. I gave him his first drop of alcohol during the first weekend we were here and he came out of his shell a little bit but he’s always been my little quiet Hazza.”

Louis gives Harry a knowing look. He never drank alcohol before because of his alcoholic dad. Louis laughs along with Niall but the lightheartedness doesn’t quite make it to his eyes. Harry forces out a laugh.

“Zayn, what was Louis like when you first met him?”

Zayn huffs out a laugh. “Oh, the stories I have about him back in uni. Well for one, when I met him he was still acting straight. Still going on dates with women and all that. You’ve met him, he’s not the best at acting. He dated this god awful girl named Eleanor. I was glad he finally dumped her and came out.” 

“Zayn, you fucking idiot… You promised you’d never tell a soul about her.” Louis exclaims playfully. He is sort of serious though. He didn’t like a lot of people knowing about that disastrous relationship.

“Your boyfriend has got to know what he’s gotten himself into.” 

Harry’s entire face turns beet red at the mention of he possibly being Louis’ boyfriend. He smiles and glances at Louis and then to Zayn. “Tell me more.”

“He was such a party animal. He got me into loads of trouble our freshman year. Hell, he got himself into loads of trouble. Lou, remember when we posted that video of us smoking weed and they almost kicked us out of housing?”

It is Louis’ turn to turn beet red. He’s embarrassed that Harry has to hear how awful he was in the past. “Yeah, I remember. Let’s change the topic.” Louis suggests scatteredly. “Oh, I know. Liam, please tell me all the embarrassing things that Zayn does.”

Zayn laughs and then looks at his phone. “There’s nothing to tell. I’m the perfect boyfriend.” He sticks out his tongue at Louis. “I need to take this call. Don’t talk too much shit about me while I’m gone.” 

Louis says, “Oh we will” at the same time as Liam says, “Of course not, babe”. Everyone laughs. Louis looks to Liam for answers. 

“C’mon, man. He makes fun of me for everything I did in uni. I need some leverage.” 

Liam gives him a polite smile. “I don’t know what to tell you. He’s right, he’s the perfect boyfriend.” 

Louis scoffs. “My Zaynie? No way.” 

Liam’s face flashes in mild annoyance but recovers quickly. “He’s my Zaynie.” Liam says in a joking manner but Louis knows that he’s serious. “I’m telling you.. He’s great.”

“Pft.. You’re no fun.” Louis jokingly pouts. 

Liam starts laughing. “You’re definitely as funny as Haz and Zayn say you are.”

“So how did you come up with Haz?” Louis asks. He’s genuinely curious since he’s heard Niall and Liam say that name repeatedly. 

“I dunno. I gave him the nickname his freshman year and he liked it so it stuck.” Liam replies.

“It started as Hazza but we’re basically shortened it. He answers to either, though.” Niall adds. 

“I’m not a dog, Niall.” Harry jokes. 

Zayn re-enters the room. His facial expression is a mixture of shock and gloom. He opens and closes his mouth several times like he can’t make up his mind whether he wants to talk or not. 

“What’s going on, babe?” Liam asks, voice full of concern.

“Uh, that was Ben…” Zayn starts. Liam tries to hold Zayn’s hand but he pulls away. “Don’t.” He warns. “Ben has just informed me that Gigi has issued a formal complaint against me. He says that there will be a meeting on Monday about whether or not I will keep my job but he fucking laughed and said that’s it only a formality. Given all of the evidence Gigi showed them on her phone, I’m basically fucked. That dickhead even said that I should probably come in tomorrow to clean out my office to save them time on Monday. Can you believe he said that??” Zayn is starting to raise his voice. 

“What a fucking knob head.” Louis grits out. He is the only one who know Ben and the asshole that he is. 

“Thank you, Harry, for dinner but I need to get the fuck out of here.” Zayn turns towards the door but Liam grabs his hand to try and stop him. 

“Get off, okay? Just leave me alone right now.” Zayn says harshly to Liam and brushes his hand away. Liam looks like he’s just been punched in the face. He looks heartbroken. Zayn grabs his coat and rushes out of the door. 

Louis jumps up from his seat at the table. “I need to go after him..” He informs the group. Liam looks even more hurt. “I need to make sure that he stays out of trouble. I don’t want him fighting someone or destroying shit or anything like that.” Louis looks directly to Liam. “I’ve been doing this for years. This is what he and I do. Don’t take it personally. I’m sorry, Liam.” He turns to Harry. “I’m sorry. I have to go.” He reaches down to kiss Harry which thankfully he accepts. 

Harry doesn’t look happy. He also doesn’t look pissed off, per se. He looks more worried than anything else. “Please be safe.”

Louis nods and rushes out of his flat. He finds Zayn about a block away. He’s speed walking to where Louis can only guess is a pub. This is a dangerous game for Louis to play. He doesn’t know if he’s strong enough to go into a bar and not drink. He’s doing this for his best friend. He repeats this to himself until he reaches Zayn. 

“Why the fuck did you follow me?” Zayn asks angrily. 

“One of us was going to follow you. I know you’d rather it be me. You don’t want Liam to see you like this.”

Zayn nods. “He doesn’t need to see this.” His face softens a fraction. “How upset was he?”

Louis contemplates lying to him but that wouldn’t do any good. “Pretty upset. Devastated actually.” 

Zayn’s face falls and then his hands ball up into fists. “Why the fuck did she have to say anything? Why couldn’t she have just let it go? I was happy. I loved my job.” He exhales aggressively. “This is so fucked.” 

“Some people are just bitter, Z.” Zayn glares at Louis and keeps on walking. “I’m not condoning what she did. She’s fucking horrible for what she did.” 

“Are you going to keep rambling on or can we get a fucking drink already?” 

Louis is so, so weak. “Let’s go get a drink, then.” He keeps telling himself he’s doing this for his best friend but deep down he knows he followed Zayn because he knew that the pub was where Zayn was going to go. 

He pulls out his phone and sends a quick text to Harry because it is the least he can do. He knows Harry is going to be furious with him. He has every right to be. 

_To Harry: Found Zayn. Following him to wherever he wants to go._

Louis figures that it is better to be vague about things. It’ll spare Harry’s feelings and it’ll make Louis feel less like a shitty person. 

_From Harry: A bar?_

So much for being vague and sparing feelings. Louis chooses not to respond. He doesn’t have the heart to tell him yes so he puts his phone in his back pocket and catches up with Zayn.

Louis and Zayn find their way into a pub about five minutes later. It’s only about 8 so there aren’t too many people there. It looks only to be the bar’s regulars. Zayn is not shy with what he wants so he rushes up to the bar.

“I’ll take four shots of whiskey, a vodka soda, and a-- Louis, what do you want? It’s on me. Last time I’ll be able to do this because I’m _unemployed._” 

Louis comtemplates trying to be strong. He wants to turn Zayn down but he can’t. “Jack and coke.” Louis mumbles. 

The bartender pours the shots quickly and slides them across the bar and towards them. Zayn takes two in hands and gives one to Louis. He knows that he shouldn’t. He won’t be able to stop once he’s started. Zayn raises the glass in Louis’ direction to get his attention. Louis raises his glass to Zayn and downs the contents in seconds. The familiar burn of the liquor is a welcome feeling to Louis. Before Zayn can say anything, Louis takes the second shot a presses it to his lips. He’s utterly and thoroughly fucked.

Louis and Zayn have been at this pub for over two hours now. Zayn is incredibly intoxicated. He drank too much, too quick so he’s now resting his head on the bar’s counter and sipping on water. Louis is also inebriated but less so than Zayn. Years of alcoholism has helped him hold his alcohol decently well. He kept up with Zayn with every shot and every drink and then some. He bought himself a few shots when Zayn would go into the bathroom. 

Louis felt like shit. He felt great because of the alcohol but felt awful for deceiving Harry and getting drunk right under his nose. He knows he doesn’t technically owe Harry anything since they aren’t ‘officially’ dating but Louis thinks that’s bullshit. He owes everything to Harry. Harry is his only reason for breathing sometimes. He’s completely disrespected Harry’s trust.

Louis pulls out his phone to find six unanswered texts and four missed calls from Harry.

_From Harry: I’m right, aren’t I?_

_From Harry: Why aren’t you answering??_

_From Harry: I’m getting worried._

_From Harry: Please at least respond so I know that you’re safe._

_From Harry: Louis, what the fuck? This is getting ridiculous. _

_From Harry: Liam and I will pick you and Zayn up whenever you’re finished. _

Louis knew that Harry was going to be mad but he never expected Harry to be so defeated that he gives into this fiasco. Louis feels like the biggest piece of shit ever. 

Louis presses Harry’s contact information and dials his number. Harry picks up on the second ring. “Lou??”

“Babe.” Louis’ words are slurred no matter how much he wills them not to be. 

“You’re drunk.” It is a statement, not a question. His voice is devoid of emotion so Louis can’t tell what he’s thinking.

“Uh.. yeah. I am.” Louis says awkwardly. He hates admitting that it Harry. “We’re at a place called Kilroys. Uh, Zayn is kind of in bad shape so I would come soon.”

He hears Harry sigh into the phone. “Okay.”

“Thank--” Louis starts to say but Harry has already hung up the phone.

Liam and Harry arrive at Kilroy’s ten minutes later. Harry’s messy hair and puffy eyes are the first things that Louis notices when they walk in the pub. Liam immediately goes to Zayn who is still resting his head on the bar counter. As soon as Liam makes it known that he’s there, Zayn wraps his arms around him. He almost falls in the process so Liam wraps his arms around Zayn’s waist to make sure he doesn’t fall and hurt himself. Liam also looks extremely drained and upset but he also looks relieved now that Zayn is safe in his arms. 

“Harry…” Louis starts but is cut off when Harry shakes his head.

“Let’s just get to the car.” Harry says quietly. He doesn’t sound mad. He sounds sad and exhausted. His lips are tucked in a fine line so Louis can’t decipher what he’s feeling by his facial expressions. 

“Okay.” Louis mumbles. 

Louis walks behind Harry like a child who has just gotten into trouble. Harry doesn’t say anything to him. Liam slides Zayn into the front seat and then buckles his seatbelt. Louis and Harry sit next to each other in the backseat. Harry makes sure there is enough space between them so they are not touching. Louis knows that he deserves this but he still yearns for Harry’s touch. 

Liam gets into the driver’s seat and starts the car. “Am I taking you home or are you staying with Louis?” 

This is the deciding factor on whether Harry wants nothing to do with him anymore. If Harry goes home tonight then Louis has seriously fucked things up. He holds his breath and waits for Harry’s answer.

“Take me to Louis’.” Harry mumbles. Louis takes that as a good sign.

The car ride is silent besides Zayn’s very drunken apologies to Liam. The drive to Louis’ flat isn’t very long but feels like an eternity to Louis. Liam finally stops in front of Louis’ flat. 

“Thanks, Li. I owe you one.” Harry says and gets out of the car.

“Thanks.” Louis mumbles. 

Liam nods in his direction but doesn’t say anything. Liam’s first impression of him must be Zayn’s drunk best friend who is a bad influence and a shit person. 

Harry walks into Louis’ flat without checking to see if Louis is behind him. He leaves the door open for Louis to walk in. Louis loses his footing and almost falls into the house. Harry looks back at him with a stone face.

“I didn’t drink that much.” Louis reasons. 

“Okay.” Harry says evenly. 

“Okay?”

“Okay, Louis. Can we just go to bed?” Harry suggests, inching towards Louis’ bedroom. 

Louis should leave well enough alone but he just can’t. He doesn’t want Harry angry at him. “No. I’m not going to bed until you talk to me.”

“There’s nothing to say.” Harry answers simply.

“There’s nothing to say? I got drunk tonight, Harry. First time in a month or so. Drank more than Zayn did. Even ordered shots when he wasn’t there. Is that nothing to talk about?” Louis knows he’s trying to push Harry’s buttons but he can’t help himself. He would rather Harry yell at him than be silent. Yelling at least means he still cares. 

Harry clenches his jaw in annoyance. “Yes. Let’s go to bed.” 

“I’m not going to do that.” Louis saunters off towards the kitchen. “Is there beer still in the fridge?” 

“What the fuck are you thinking, Louis??” Harry finally blows up. “Does your sobriety mean absolutely nothing to you?”

Louis’ eyes widen at the fact that he actually got Harry to snap. He’s never heard Harry yell. He’s normally so timid and quiet. Louis must have really set him off. 

“Are you not going to speak now? You wanted to talk so I’m fucking talking.” 

“I don’t understand why you stayed. I don’t understand why you care. I’m just a fucking drunk, Harry. You know that. You saw it today. It’s going to keep happening. No matter how much you try to help me, it’s not going to work. You might as well get out while you can before you really start resenting me.” 

Harry’s face softens at first but then turns back to anger. “Don’t say shit like that, Louis. You aren’t _just_ a drunk. You are so much more than that. You’re everything to me.” 

“Don’t say that. I’m only going to disappoint you.. You deserve someone so much better than me. You deserve the whole world and I just can’t give that to you. I can’t even give you a little.”

“I don’t want the world, Louis. Can’t you see that I only want you. I want you just as you are.”

“I’m just a drunk, Harry. That’s all I’m ever going to be.”

Harry begins to cry, and tears fall from his eyes. Louis isn’t sure if it is from sadness, anger, or a combination of both. “Shut the fuck up. _Please._ Stop putting yourself down. You’re the most amazing man that I’ve ever met. You’ve turned me into a person that feels more than sadness and self hatred.” Harry wipes his eyes with the back of his hands. “Have I not done the same for you? Because if you say these awful things about yourself it means that I haven’t made you feel how I thought I did.”  
Louis can feel tears welling in his eyes. He hates seeing Harry cry. “Of course you have, Harry. You’ve made me feel more than I ever had before. I just don’t want to hurt you anymore. I’m going to keep disappointing you and that’s the last thing I want to do.” Louis sinks to the floor close to Harry’s feet. “The only thing I ever want to do is make you happy and I failed tonight because I was weak. You should be ashamed to be with me. I’m worthless.”

Harry’s breath hitches from crying so much. It breaks Louis’ heart to hear his crying. That’s what finally tears Louis apart and he allows himself to cry freely. Harry crouches down next to Louis and wraps his arms around him. Louis falls into his hold. He can’t contain himself anymore. He needs Harry’s touch. 

“You aren’t worthless, baby.” Harry’s voice cracks with emotion. He gently runs his hand through Louis’ hair. “You got drunk tonight but it isn’t the end of the world. You have to try to not do it again. Please, Lou. You have to try.” 

Louis has made himself into a ball. He’s laying halfway on the floor and halfway on Harry’s lap. “I’m too weak.”

“You’re not weak. You’re strong. You’re so strong.” Louis makes a sound in protest. “You _are!_ You have to believe me.” 

“If I’m strong, it’s only because you make me strong.” Louis’ comment only makes Harry cry harder.

“You make me strong too, Lou.” 

Harry rests his head on Louis’. Their bodies are intermingled on the floor. Both continue to cry. Louis wishes the night hadn’t turned out like it had. They were supposed to have a good night with their friends and it turned out disastrous.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Please, forgive me. I’ll try to do better. I want to be better for you. I’m sorry.” Louis sobs into Harry’s lap while Harry pets his hair. 

“Shh, babe. It’s okay. It’s okay. You don’t need to apologize. It’s okay.” 

Eventually Louis calms down. He’s still crying but his breathing is under control. Harry has calmed down as well. He’s rubbing Louis’ back softly. “I’m never going to deserve you, Harry.” Louis whispers. His voice is hoarse from crying so much.

“You deserve me and I deserve you. We’re meant to be together.”

That comment brings on another round of tears. These aren’t necessarily sad tears. They are more happy tears because he got lucky enough to find Harry. “We do.” Louis confirms and cries more. 

“Let’s go to bed.” Harry suggests after a few more minutes of Louis crying. He sounds exhausted. Louis doesn’t blame him. He’s had to deal with so much tonight as well as cooking their meal earlier. 

“Okay.” Louis slowly gets up. Once he stands up, he can really feel how exhausted he is. Harry stands up and takes Louis’ hand. He walks them into the bedroom. 

Harry starts stripping out of his clothes. Louis stands there and doesn’t do a thing. When Harry is only in his boxers, he reaches over to Louis and helps undress him. Louis lets him. He doesn’t deserve Harry taking care of him but he’s grateful for It. 

Harry guides them both to the bed once both men only have their boxers. Normally Harry is the little spoon but Harry immediately wraps his arms around Louis’ small frame and spoons him. They lay there in silence for several minutes. Harry plants sweet, tender kisses along Louis’ jaw and cheek. They are those kisses that won’t turn into anything more. They are to reassure Louis.

“You’re all I want and all I need, Lou. Don’t ever think I would ever want anything that isn’t you.” Harry pauses and plants more kisses on Louis’ face and hair. “You struggle with alcoholism, Lou… It’s not an easy problem to deal with. As long as you try.. For me… I’ll stay by your side and help you through it. You help me through my issues too. That’s what we do. We help each other.” 

“I’ll try my hardest… I promise. I don’t want to disappoint you. You mean everything to me, H..” 

The two men fall asleep like this. Both men feel much better than they did an hour ago but it is a long way from how they want to feel. Louis is so thankful for his man even though he will never feel good enough for him.


	7. Great

*L*

Working at the university isn’t the same without Zayn there. It’s been a week since he was fired and Louis can’t stand working there without him. Louis picked this university to teach at because Zayn had already got a job offer and he thought it would be nice to work with his best friend. He doesn’t think it is fair that he got fired. Plenty of other professors fuck the students. Zayn isn’t an anomaly. The only reason the university found out is because one of the students he fucked in the past was upset that he moved on from her. She was fuming that he got a boyfriend so she tattled on him to the dean. The dean already had a vendetta against him so he just needed an excuse to fire him. 

He and Harry are doing so well since their fight. They care about each other so deeply that the fight was almost needed so their relationship could be put in perspective. They need each other and they need to help one another through their issues. It’s a much longer and continuous process than they thought it was going to be but it has only made them stronger. 

Louis says goodbye to Harry early Monday morning. Harry is still sleeping in Louis’ bed when he left. He kisses him on the cheek and leaves his flat. He grades several papers in his office before going to Creative Writing. He’s looking forward to seeing Harry even though he’s only been away from him for a short while. He needed to take time out of his day to grade papers since there are only a few weeks left of the semester. 

Louis grabs a coffee and takes a smoke break before settling in the Creative Writing classroom. He is five minutes early and most of his students are already there. Harry is not. He makes small talk with a few of the students until it is time to start class.

Harry doesn’t arrive for ten more minutes. He walks into the classroom and he’s out of breath. His cheeks and neck are flushed. His pupils are blown. His lips look bitten raw. His hair is a disheveled mess. His entire appearance appeals to Louis. 

Louis momentarily bites his lip to keep a pleased noise from escaping his lips. “Harry, you’re late. Again.” He tries to make his annoyance sound convincing. He can’t have his other students thinking that he favors Harry even if he does. 

Harry locks eyes with Louis. The look in his eye is a look Louis knows very well. This is the look Harry makes when he’s desperate to come. Louis is endlessly intrigued to know why he’s wrecked before his 9 am class. ‘M sorry, Lou--is.” Harry’s nickname for Louis almost slips out but he recovers just in time. “Got a little.. Preoccupied.”

Louis cocks his eyebrow interest. “Well.. Just try to be on time next time, please.” 

Harry nods weakly. “Yes, sir.” 

Louis resumes teaching but can’t shake what is going on in Harry’s head. He’s not at all paying attention to what Louis is teaching and that is unlike him. He continuously squirms in his seat; never seeming to get comfortable. Louis tries to shake himself away from staring at the other boy because he doesn’t really have a choice. He’s in the middle of teaching with a class full of people and can’t really seem like he’s eager to touch his boy. 

Harry excuses himself from class ten minutes early which Louis finds so bizzare. He ever leaves class before Louis dismisses them. Louis vows to call Harry when he gets to his office to make sure he’s alright. 

The walk to his office seems longer than usual. Some of the time he has Harry walking with him so it doesn’t seem as long. He finally makes his way into the English Department’s building and walks to his office. Ben is walking the opposite direction but towards him. They make eye contact. Ben has been on Louis’ shit list since he fired Zayn. 

“Louis.” Ben says curtly. 

“Ben.” Louis says flatly. 

Louis takes his key out of his bag and unlocks his office. He wasn’t expecting his lights to be on but they are. He looks around the room and is shocked to find Harry sitting on his desk. He looks like he has been waiting very impatiently. Louis shuts the door quickly and locks it.

“How did you get in my office?” Louis asks curiously.

“You have a spare on your bedside table so I took it this morning before I left.” Harry’s voice is much higher pitched than more. Louis only hears him like this when they get physical with one another. 

“Why were you late to class… and leave early?”

Harry moves a strand of hair out of his face. “I just, uh, couldn’t concentrate.” 

“Explain.”

“I woke up from a dream… A really good dream.” Harry says bashfully. His cheeks are flushed and a small line of sweat outlining his hairline. 

“About what?” 

“You and I.” 

“And?” Louis presses. 

Harry stands up from where he is sitting on Louis’ desk and inches closer to Louis. “I had a dream that you fucked me across this desk.” 

Louis’ eyes bulge out of his skull. He wasn’t expecting Harry to be so forward. “Fuck, H.” 

“When I woke up.. I was so frustrated that you weren’t home so I just, um, did it myself.” 

Louis snorts. “You can wank whenever you want, baby. It’s only natural to need to sometime.”

Harry blushes. “I wasn’t talking about that.” 

“Then what are you--” Louis begins to ask but I clicks with him.

Harry wraps his arms around Louis and kisses him. Neither keep the kiss innocent for long. Louis walks them back so Harry is resting against the desk. Louis spreads Harry’s legs and inserts himself in between them.

Louis breaks the kiss. “Did you like doing it yourself?”

“I prefer your fingers.” Harry says against Louis’ lips. 

Louis hungrily bites at Harry’s bottom lip. Their lips press together in another bruising kiss. Louis creates a little bit of distance while continuing their kiss. He unzips Harry’s jeans. “I don’t have long until I have to go teach my next class.” 

“I don’t need that long. I’ve been on the verge of coming for the passed two hours.” Harry laughs quietly. It is a hollow laugh, like the last two hours have been more painful than funny to him. 

“So you didn’t--” Louis starts but is cut off. 

“No. I was waiting for you. I haven’t gotten myself off since we started sleeping together.” The revelation has Louis’ cock twitching in arousal. All of Harry’s pleasure is in Louis’ hands. It endlessly turns him on that he has been the only source of Harry’s orgasms. 

“Baby.” Louis gasps out and impatiently pulls Harry’s pants down his legs. Louis gets on his knees and chucks Harry’s shoes off and tosses them to a random part of the room. He pulls Harry’s jeans and underwear off of his legs and into the pile of his clothes. 

Harry’s cock is finally free and looks painfully hard. It’s leaking precome at the tip and is an angry red color. Louis can’t help himself, he wants to put his mouth on him. He can’t resist so he raises himself higher on his knees and places a steadying hand on Harry’s thigh. His other hand wraps around Harry’s cock. A whimper escapes Harry’s lips as a result. 

“What are you--.” Harry begins to ask but cuts himself off with a moan when Louis slides his dick into his mouth. “_Shit._” Louis slides Harry’s cock lower until it brushes the back of his throat. Harry’s cock stretches his mouth open more than he’s used to but he welcomes the feeling. 

Harry is louder than he normally is but that may just be because he’s been so on edge for the past few hours. Louis loves every sound that he’s making. It’s unraveling him little by little. After a minute or so of Harry’s beautiful moans, Louis comes to his senses that they are in his office at his place of employment and anyone walking by his office can hear. 

Louis slides Harry’s cock out of his mouth. Harry groans in disapproval. “You’ve got to be quieter, baby. Anybody in the office could hear you.” As a response, Harry bucks his hips closer to Louis’ mouth. Louis licks a long stripe from Harry’s head down to his shaft. Harry’s breath hitches when Louis puts one of his balls in his mouth and swirls his tongue against it. 

“Holy fuck, Lou.” Harry moans but it is significantly quieter than before. “I’m not going to last.” He whispers and throws his head back when Louis slides his cock down his throat once again. 

Harry grabs at Louis’ hair and pulls. It is like he doesn’t know whether he wants Louis to pull off or go lower. Louis takes as much as he can without gagging. He doesn’t have much of a gag reflex so he uses that to his advantage. 

“_Lou._” Harry whimpers out as a warning. 

Louis doesn’t let up. Sure enough, not even thirty seconds go by and Harry is coming down Louis’ throat with a moan. That sound sends pangs of arousal throughout his entire body. He gets up off of the floor and rushes to pull his dress pants down his legs. He slides his TOMs off his feet in the process and adds everything to the pile of clothes. 

“Lube is in the pocket of my jacket.” Harry informs, laying his back fully on Louis’ desk. He looks exhausted but ready for more. 

Louis hastily searches the coat for the lube and finds it in the side pocket. When Louis turns back around, Harry’s shirt is off and thrown on the pile with their other things. Louis spreads Harry’s legs apart and moves in between them. He doesn’t bother taking the time to unbutton all of the buttons on his shirt so he skips it entirely. He opens the bottle of lube and pours a generous amount onto his dick. Harry helps with Louis’ shirt and he shimmies his way out of it in no time.

Louis positions himself at Harry’s entrance and slowly pushes himself in inch by inch. Louis lets out a sigh of relief. He can’t even describe how good it feels to be inside of Harry. Euphoric is probably the closest word. He didn’t think sex could get better until they decided they were ready to do it without a condom. Louis had never had sex without a condom before and he’s never felt a sensation better than that. 

Harry places one hand on the nape of Louis’ neck and the other on his hip bone. He digs his fingers into Louis’ side to bring him closer. Louis slides more of himself into Harry until he bottoms out. Louis assumes he brushes against Harry’s prostate because his breath hitches and then he tilts his head back and moans. 

“Move.” Harry practically commands. Louis loves that Harry is so comfortable with him now to tell him what he wants. Before, Harry would wait for Louis to do want he wanted unless Harry was really close to coming. 

Louis does as he’s told and slides most of the way out of him and slams back into him. Harry cries out and tightens his hold on Louis’ hip. He uses his other hand to pull Louis down to him and crashes their lips together. The kiss is a mess of tongues and eventually turns into both of them panting into the other’s mouth.   
Louis’ hips are moving at a rapid pace. He’s desperately chasing this otherworldly feeling that Harry makes him feel. He’s only ever felt this good with him. 

Harry slowly but surely begins to get hard again after only minutes of orgasming. Louis has always been impressed with his recovery time. He doesn’t think he would ever be able to recover that quickly but with Harry, anything is possible.

“Fuck! You feel so good, baby.” Louis gasps out on a particular thrust. Harry runs his nails down Louis’ back which causes a shiver to coarse throughout is body. “Better than your dream?” Louis semi-taunts. He wants to be better than Harry’s dream. His dream had gotten him so worked up and Louis wanted to completely wreck him. 

Harry moans in response. He attaches his lips on Louis’ neck and sucks on the skin. Louis thrusts his hips with much greater force since he didn’t answer him. 

“I’ll take that as a no.” He flicks his hips agsinst Harry’s prostate and elicits the reaction he wanted. Harry writhes in pleasure underneath him. “Need to step up my game.” 

“So much better than the dream.. Just not as I pictured.. Ah, _fuck._” Harry explains. Louis rams into his prostate once again which causes Harry’s eyes to roll to the back of his head in pleasure. 

“How did you, _shit_, picture it?” 

“You fucking me against the desk.” Harry responds and digs his fingers into Louis’ hip. 

Louis thrusts his hip once more and then pulls out of him. Harry lets out a noise of frustration. “Up, baby. Just trying to make all your dreams come true.”

Harry smiles a dopey, sedated smile and slides his bum off of the desk and lands on his feet. Louis grabs Harry by the scalp a little roughly and pulls him into a kiss. Harry moans into the kiss and moves into Louis’ hold on his hair like he enjoys it. The kiss ends all too quickly and Louis moves Harry the way he wants him. He’s so pliant and giving all trust to Louis to take care of him. Louis has every intention to do that. 

Louis moves Harry so that he’s resting his elbows and forearms on the desk. His pert bum is in the air waiting for Louis to be inside of him again. Louis pumps his dick a few times to slick the remaining lube around. He gives no warning and thrusts into Harry with all he has. Harry cries out and his head falls onto the desk as well. 

The change of position feels so good for Louis. He knows he won’t be able to last much longer like this. Not to mention the sight in front of him. He could probably come from that alone. Seeing Harry bent over his desk and taking his cock so well is a sight Louis never wants to stop seeing. 

“Fuck, Lou. You’re so _deep._” Harry moans into his arm. This encourages Louis that much more and grabs Harry’s hip in one hand and grabs a handful of hair in the other. He tugs on Harry’s hair and he loses it. “_Fucking hell._”

Louis slams against Harry’s prostate with each thrust. Harry starts moving his hips back to meet Louis’ to chase the feeling.. Louis doesn’t think he’ll ever feel this much pleasure all at once ever again. His orgasm creeps up on him and he comes inside of Harry before he can give so much as a warning. 

“_Holy shit._” Louis moans out. “Harry!” His hips finally still. His body spasms slightly and his legs now feel like jelly. He lets go of Harry’s hair and kisses up and down his back. “Baby.” He praises. 

“Lou.” Harry replies weakly. 

Louis pulls out of Harry. His come drizzles out of him and he can’t just leave his boy filthy like that. He has to go to more classes and can’t have him all sticky of come. He gets down on his wobbly knees and spreads Harry’s cheeks apart. He licks a long stripe along Harry’s hole, catching some of his own come on his tongue. He should feel filthy but he doesn’t. It’s just his come and Harry’s bum. 

Louis slides his tongue inside of Harry’s hole and kitten licks around to clean him up. Harry is absolutely loving it. He’s panting and whimpering against the desk. His legs are shaking and he’s pushing his bum to meet Louis’ tongue. 

“Feels so good.” Harry whines and continues to buck his hips back to meet Louis’ mouth. Louis decides to give him what he wants and slides his tongue as far into Harry’s bum as it can reach. The way Harry’s body is moving so desperately, Louis knows that he’s on the verge of coming. The tip of Louis’ tongue relentlessly brushes against the sensitive bundle of nerves that is Harry’s prostate. 

“Louis I’m-- _Holy fuck!_” Harry’s hips stop moving towards Louis tongue and his body spasms. He moans loudly which hopefully won’t draw any attention to Louis’ office. When Harry is finished riding out his high, Louis slides his tongue out of him. 

Louis checks the time on the clock on the wall. He’s only got a few more minutes until he needs to go to his next class. His body is exhausted. He wishes he could go back to his flat and take a nap with his boy but sadly he has a duty to his job and needs to go teach. He grabs his shirt and pants in the pile of clothes on the floor. He places Harry’s clothes on the desk next to him. Harry has yet to move from his spot. He’s laying there like he doesn’t want to move any time soon. 

“I need to go teach and you need to go to your next class.” Louis says, putting on his pants. 

Harry looks over his shoulder and pouts. “I don’t wanna.” 

“Have to, baby.” Louis explains and places a kiss on Harry’s sweaty back. 

“Fine.” Harry replies dramatically and moves from the desk. 

There is a small puddle of Harry’s come on Louis’ desk. Harry searches for a Kleenex and wipes it clean. 

“You always have to make a mess.” Louis jokes.

“So do you.” 

Louis smirks. “I clean up my mess.” He winks which causes Harry to blush. 

“I need to put on clothes before I take yours off again.” 

“I’ve corrupted you, H.” Louis says, buttoning up his shirt. 

“I like to be corrupted.” Harry says with a dimpled smile. He puts on the rest of his clothes and shoes. He grabs his bag and looks over to Louis. “How do I look?”

“Like you’ve just had sex.”

Harry giggles. “Perfect, that’s what I was going for.” 

Louis grabs his bag that is filled with ungraded papers and they walk out of his office. He is certain that everything about their appearance screams sex. They probably smell of sex and they certainly look it. 

Louis sees that Ben is looking at the two of them with suspicion. He slightly panics. “I hope our meeting was helpful for you. Do you have a better idea of what I’m expecting for the final paper?” 

Harry looks at him, puzzled. Louis darts his eyes to the direction of Ben. Harry glances over and nods. “Yes, I did. Thank you, Mr. Tomlinson. The meeting was very helpful. It helped me come to two conclusions about my, uh, my final paper.” 

Louis has to bite his lip to keep from laughing. Harry truly was a little minx. “Glad I could play a part in those conclusions.” 

Harry nods and runs a hand through his sweaty hair. “Well, I should get going. I’ll see you in class, Mr. Tomlinson.” 

“Bye, Harry.” Louis responds with a smirk.

*H*

Harry decides to get a tattoo. He doesn’t know when exactly he thought seriously about it but here he is now. He ran the idea by Louis a few days before he scheduled the appointment and Louis was so excited about it. His lips perked up in a smile and he hugged his boy. 

Harry never thought tattoos were for him because tattoos were beautiful and his skin is already littered with ugly imperfections. Louis has changed his mind. He talks about how good Harry would look with tattoos. Harry isn’t getting the tattoo for Louis but he certainly helped sway his decision. 

Harry makes the tattoo appointment for Friday after classes. He doesn’t tell Louis what it’s going to be. He’s keeping that a secret. In reality, he’s going to be getting three small tattoos. His mum is going to kill him when he tells her. It’s something he really wants to do though. Louis has tried to teach him how to love himself and he’s slowly but surely starting to. It’s going to be a long and tedious process but he’s going to do it. One of those steps to self love for him is getting these tattoos. 

Harry originally was going to go by himself or take Liam with but Louis convinced him to bring him instead. The tattoo parlor is about twenty minutes from campus so there shouldn’t be anyone from the university that they know. 

The pair walk into the tattoo parlor and are waited on by a younger woman with fiery red hair and is littered in tattoos. “Hello!” The woman greets happily. 

“Hi!” Harry replies nervously. He runs a clammy hand through his hair. “I’m Harry. I have an appointment with Josh.” 

“Oh yes, of course!” She moves her papers to find the ones Harry are supposed to sign. “If you could just sign these really quick, I’ll go tell Josh that you’re ready!” The woman walks into the back part of the parlor that is off limits to customers. 

“How do you feel?” Louis asks, rubbing Harry’s back comfortingly. 

“I’m a little nervous.” Harry pauses. “But also excited. This is something I need to do for myself. I’m happy you’re here with me.” He kisses Louis on the cheek.

Louis grins widely. “I’d do anything for you. You know that. I am kind of disappointed that you won’t let me peek at the tattoo until after it’s done.” He fake-pouts. 

The woman comes back to her desk with a man that Harry assumes is Josh. He’s extremely muscular and tattooed. “Hi, mate. I’m Josh. You must be Harry. Good to meet you.” Josh extends his hand to Louis. 

Louis starts laughing. “I’m actually Louis.. This is Harry.” 

Josh bursts out laughing. “Oh, shit. I’m sorry, man. I just assumed since you’re the one with all of the tattoos.” 

Harry extends his hand to Josh and they shake. “I can see why you assumed that. This is my first tattoo.” 

Josh’s face brightens. “Come over to the dark side, eh? Happy to help with that.” He glances down at the paper with the script ideas that Harry had emailed him. “So these three still?”

Louis cocks his eyebrow and looks expectantly at Harry. “Excuse me, what?” 

Harry grins mischievously. “Yeah.. That was supposed to be a surprise.” 

“Shit. My bad.” Josh says. 

“No worries.” Harry replies, not even skipping a beat. “And yes, just the three tattoos.” 

Louis and Harry follow Josh back to his working station. The tattoo artist sanitizes his station and puts gloves on. He and Harry discuss where he wants each tattoo. Josh gets the stencils and puts the first one on Harry’s left forearm, right at the crease. 

It is overwhelming for Harry have a stranger not only looking at his scars but also touching them. Josh doesn’t say anything but Harry can feel him eyeing down every imperfection. Before Harry even has a chance to freak out, Louis interwines his fingers in Harry’s free hand. He instantly relaxes. 

“Ready?” Josh asks. 

Harry nods and holds onto Louis’ hand tighter. When the tattoo needle finally presses into his skin, he’s expecting it to hurt more. He is a cutter, though, and not much hurts his skin anymore. Harry actually finds it quite relaxing. It gives him the feeling that cutting does but produces something beautiful. 

Josh is finished with his first tattoo within ten minutes. He wipes the tattoo down and puts ointment on it before wrapping the tattoo in Saran wrap to preserve it. Josh cleans his tattoo gun and puts the stencil on Harry’s left outer wrist. He begins the second tattoo and finishes a few minutes later. Josh repeats the process and moves to Harry other forearm. This tattoo is also at the crease. Louis has switched hands to hold but is looking increasingly impatient to look at the tattoos. 

“And we’re finished!” Josh says cheerily and turns off the tattoo gun. He cleans and wraps the tattoo. 

“Thank you so much, Josh. They look amazing!” Harry says happily. “I will definitely be coming to you for all of my tattoo needs… If I do decide to get another tattoo.”  
Louis and Josh snort at the same time and then share a laugh together. “You will. Once you get the first one, they are rather addictive.” Josh says.

“He’s right, babe. I was never a big tattoo person myself but once I got my first one, I couldn’t stop.” 

“You guys are such a cute couple, by the way. I meant to say that earlier but I couldn’t quite tell if you were together or not.” 

Harry blushes and smiles but does not say anything. They haven’t officially labeled their relationship so he doesn’t want to say something to jeopardize that.

“Thanks, mate.” Louis says with a grin from ear to ear. It warms Harry’s heart.

The pair say their goodbyes to Josh and leave the tattoo parlor. They walk hand in hand to Louis car. He opens the door for Harry. Louis gets in the car himself and they leave the parking lot.

“Are you going to tell me what your tattoos are of now? It was killing me not to look at what that man was permanently inking on that beautiful body of yours.” 

“You’ll see soon enough. I’ll be able to take the wraps off them once we get home.” Harry almost corrects himself but doesn’t. Louis’ flat is basically his home now. 

“I can’t wait to see them, babe. I’m honestly so excited that you’re tatted!!” Louis says with the biggest smile. 

They make it home in no time and Louis is very eager to see what Harry had gotten tattooed on his body forever. Louis sits on the couch and looks at Harry expectantly. “Show me, show me, show me!” Louis says like a mantra and claps his hands excitedly. He looks like a kid at a candy store. 

“Okay, okay. Hold on. It’s not _that_ extravagant.” Harry says with a smile on his face. He takes his cardigan off and then unwraps the three coverings on his arms. Louis narrows his eyes to read what Harry’s three tattoos say. “What do you think?” Harry asks bashfully since Louis has not said anything. 

“Things I can, Things I can’t? What do they mean, babe?” Louis asks in curiosity.

“I got the ‘Things I can’t’ tattoo on the arm with all of my scars because I used to cut because of the things that I hated about myself. The qualities that I felt limited me and everything I wanted to do in my life. They are all etched into my skin. They are the things I can’t. I got ‘Things I can’ because I’ve never cut myself on this arm before. I’m free on this arm. The possibilities for myself are endless.” Harry looks away. “It sounds pretty stupid after I say it out loud.”

Louis stands up and kisses Harry shortly. “It’s not stupid at all, Harry. I think that your meaning behind your tattoos are incredible. Tattoos should always have meaning and that makes yours so much more special. I love them, babe.” Louis takes Harry’s hands and kisses each one. “What does this one say?” 

“‘I can’t change.’” Louis kisses the new tattoo and then kisses Harry’s lips. “I got these words because you’ve finally helped me realize that I can’t change a lot of aspects about myself. Even if sometimes, I really wanted to. Like my sexuality. Because of you, I’ve started to accept that part of myself. I can’t change that part of me and now I would never dream of it. That part of me is the reason I have you in my life so I would never want to change that.”

Louis engulfs him in another kiss. “You’ve come so far, baby. I’m so proud of you.”

“I’ve only come this far because of you. I don’t know where I would be without you. I still would be harming myself at every chance. I wouldn’t be out to anyone and I would still be struggling with accepting myself. You’ve changed my life, Lou.” Harry wraps his arms around the boy that has been his savior the last several months. 

“You’ve changed mine too, H.” 

*L*

Louis has been thinking for a while about how to ask Harry to be his boyfriend. They are basically dating anyway but Louis wanted to do something special to make it official. Asking the simple question isn’t going to change anything about their relationship so he doesn’t know why he’s so nervous. Louis only wants Harry and Harry only wants Louis. That’s how it’s been since the beginning. Louis figures he needs to be romantic so Harry can look back and remember his first relationship fondly. Louis hopes that it’ll be his only real relationship but he doesn’t dare tell Harry that. Or anyone else for that matter. 

It is the week before finals. Both Louis and Harry are stressed out. Louis is making exams and grading final papers. Harry is studying nonstop for all of his exams and writing papers that have yet to be turned in. 

It’s the Thursday before finals and Louis can’t wait anymore. He needs Harry to officially be his boyfriend. He doesn’t know how to ask him properly but he needs to think fast. He decides to call Zayn. Louis has never seen him be romantic but Liam insisted that he was the perfect boyfriend a few weeks ago so he’s going to take Liam’s word on it.

Zayn answers after three rings. “Louis, hi. What’s up?” Zayn sounds sad. His voice is quiet. Louis knows that he’s still in a rut after being fired. 

“Zaynie!” Louis barks out nervously. 

“You alright?” 

“Uh, yeah.” 

“Okay…”

“I need your advice on something.” Louis tries.

“Okay, what is it?” 

“I need some big romantic gesture to ask Harry to be my boyfriend. I’m clueless when it comes to the romance stuff and I need it to be special for him.”

“Hold up… you and Harry aren’t dating? Could have fooled me.”

Louis smiles. “Exactly. We already act like a couple but I still need to ask him. I can’t just deprive him of the actual question. It needs to be perfect.”

“Cook him something.”

Louis snorts. “You know I can’t cook.”

“That’s the point. You’re doing something special for him that you wouldn’t normally do. You know Harry would say yes to anything that you do.”

“Yeah, I know… but that isn’t the point. He deserves a grand gesture.”

“I’d go with the cooking. Harry always cooks for you. He’ll love it if you cook for him for a change.”

Louis lets out a sigh. “This will be the first real meal I’ve ever cooked.”

“All the more reason.” Zayn responds. 

Louis spends an hour looking up easy recipes on his phone. He finally decides on a chicken recipe. He thankfully doesn’t have class scheduled for today so his students can study for the exam so he rushes to the store to buy what he needs.

In the middle of shopping, he remembers that he hasn’t even asked Harry to come over tonight. He assumes that he would anyway but he needs to do this right so he picks up his phone and dials Harry’s number. He picks up on the second ring.

“Hey, Lou.” Harry says. Louis can hear the smile in his voice.

“Hey, babe.” Louis can feel the anxiety leaving his body by just talking to Harry. “I was just wondering if you wanted to come over tonight. Around 6?” 

Harry giggles. “I was planning on coming over anyway. You’ve set a time and everything. Getting so formal on me.” 

Louis laughs. “I need to have some sort of structure, don’t I?”

“You never needed any before and you were doing just fine.” Harry laughs. “I’ll play along, though.”

Louis snorts much louder than he should have. His boy has jokes. “I appreciate it.” Louis is not at all paying attention to where he’s going in the grocery store and almost runs into an old lady. “I’ll see you at 6, baby.” 

“I’ll try to look cute. Bye, Lou.” 

“It won’t be hard. Bye.” 

Louis gets home with all of his groceries and has a mild panic attack. He doesn’t know why he’s spazzing out about this. It’s just Harry. The boy he is so comfortable with. The boy he’s so happy with. He needs to stop acting like a twat and make this special for Harry. 

Louis is making chicken wrapped in Parma ham stuffed with mozzarella with a side of homemade mash. He doesn’t think it’ll be that difficult to make and he thinks that Harry will enjoy it. 

His mum used to make the best homemade mash. He wants to make it for Harry but he can’t remember the exact recipe. He has the most insane idea to call Lottie. He hasn’t spoken to her in months and when he did, she hung up. Anxiety balls in his chest. He thinks it’s worth a try, though. 

With shaky hands, he finds Lottie’s contact information and dials her number. It rings for awhile. He almost doesn’t think she’s going to answer but she does.

“Louis?” Lottie says, confused. There is louder chatter in the background that has to be his siblings. His heart lunges and his throat tightens with emotion. He’s trying really hard not to cry. “Hello?”

“Hi. Uh hey, Lots.” 

“You don’t sound drunk… that’s a first.” Lottie says, void of emotion. 

“Yeah, I’m sober now. Have been for a little while.” 

“Is it going to last?” Lottie surprisingly doesn’t sound judgmental. She sounds more curious than anything.

“I really hope so.” 

“So, uh, why did you call?”

“Oh, yeah. Right. I’m cooking my— um, soon to be boyfriend a meal tonight and was wondering if you had mum’s homemade mash recipe still..” Lottie doesn’t answer right away. Louis even looks to see if she’s hung up. “Lots?” 

“Yeah?” Her voice sounds strained. It sounds like she’s trying to hold in tears. 

“Just making sure you’re still there.” Louis says awkwardly. He doesn’t really know how to talk to his sister anymore. He doesn’t know what to do or say.

“I am… I just..” She clears her throat. “That’s the first time you’ve mentioned mum since she died.” 

Louis’ throat constricts a fraction but he keeps his cool. “I’ve been making progress with… that. My— Harry is his name. Um, he’s been helping me a lot.” 

“That’s good. I’m really glad to hear it.” Lottie says. She sounds sincere. “Let me go grab Mum’s recipe. I used it with dinner just last week.” Lottie sets the phone down and heads into the kitchen. 

Louis sits patiently and waits. “Louis?” The voice isn’t Lottie. It’s Fizzy. It takes everything out of him not to start crying at the sound of her voice. 

“Fiz?” Louis takes a deep breath. “It’s good to hear your voice.” 

Fizzy sniffles through the phone. “Are you coming home soon?” 

That question breaks Louis’ heart into a million pieces. “Maybe.. I’m going to try.” Louis really wants to stay true to what he’s said and try. It may be too painful. But he wants to come home.

Lottie takes the phone from Fizzy. “I’m back. I found the recipe.”

Six o’clock rolls around and Louis is nearly finished with preparing the meal. He has the table set nicely and even bought a bouquet of flowers for the table. 

Louis runs to his bedroom to change quickly since Harry is due to arrive any minute. He throws on a dressy button up shirt and leaves a few of the buttons open. It exposes his tattoo and his chest hair which he knows Harry likes.

Louis’ heart skips a beat when there is a knock on the front door. He rushes to answer it. Harry is standing there with a big smile on his face. He immediately takes in Louis’ appearance. 

“You look incredible, Lou. I feel really underdressed.” He sniffs the air as he walks in the flat. “And are you _cooking?_” Harry has an amused expression on his face.

“As a matter of fact, I am.” Louis ushers Harry to the table and pulls out the chair for him. “Just for you.” He adds. 

Harry positively beams. “So what have you cooked me this evening, Mr. Tomlinson.” He says very prim and proper. He’s blushing but smiling widely. 

“Let me go get it first.” Louis suggests. Harry nods so Louis heads into the kitchen. He plates the food and carries the food to the table. “So today I’ve prepared you chicken wrapped in Parma ham, stuffed with mozzarella with a side of homemade mash. Even called my sister to get my mum’s old recipe.” 

Harry’s face turns from happiness to one of shock. “Holy shit, babe! That’s huge.” Louis sits down in the chair across from Harry. “How did that go?” 

“It went okay, I think. She was really guarded at first but I brought mum up and she seemed to open herself up more. Fizzy also came on the phone. She asked me if I was coming home.”

“What did you say?” 

“I said maybe.” 

Harry leans over the table and kisses Louis. “That’s amazing, love. That’s progress.”

Louis flashes a small smile. “Yeah, I suppose.” He looks down at his food. “Let’s eat, shall we?” 

“Yeah, of course.” Harry takes a bite of the chicken. He looks nervous to try it. Louis doesn’t blame him. He’s never cooked a proper meal before. To Louis’ surprise, Harry hums in approve. “Babe, this is actually really good.”

Louis snorts and takes a bite of his food as well. “You sound surprised.” His food is actually pretty decent. For a first meal, it takes pretty good. 

“You’ve never cooked before. It looks like you’re a natural. May have to let you cook more often.” 

Louis laughs. “I think I’ll let you stick to the cooking. This is a one and done type deal.” 

Harry looks at him full of curiosity. “Why _did_ you cook me a meal? If you don’t mind me asking.”

Louis feels his cheeks getting warm. “Put me on the spot, why don’t you?” Louis jokes with a grin.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you blush.” Harry comments fondly. 

“I don’t do it often.”

“Louis Tomlinson! Am I making you nervous?”

The blush on Louis’ cheeks grows. “Maybe a little.” 

“Spit it out.” Harry encourages, amusement evident on his face. 

Louis figures it is best to just rip the bandaid off and be forward about it. “I want you to be my boyfriend.. officially.” He says as confidently as possible. 

Harry’s eyes widen in surprise. “Wait, what?”

“I know we already act like boyfriends but I wanted to actually ask you. You mean the world to me and I really want you to be mine.” 

A smile grows on Harry’s face. “But I already am yours. Have been since basically the day I’ve met you.” 

Louis smiles fondly at him. “So does that mean you’ll be my boyfriend?”

“I’ve considered you my boyfriend for weeks now.”

“Harold!” Louis scolds playfully. “Will you let me be romantic for two seconds?” Harry giggles and nods. “Will you officially be my boyfriend?” 

“Of course I’ll be your boyfriend, Lou.” 

Louis reaches over the table and kisses his boyfriend. Both are eager to kiss each other and neither can contain their smiles. Louis have never been happier. Harry Styles is his boyfriend. Louis is the luckiest man alive.

*H*

Harry stops at his flat to get more clothes. He’s practically moved into Louis’ flat within the past few weeks. Neither have planned it or talked about it but it’s just something that has happened. Neither seem to mind in the slightest. 

Louis bought Harry his own toothbrush for the flat. He’s also cleared a drawer for Harry. The speed that they are moving things is alarming but also feels completely natural. 

Finals are over and done with so it is time for the two of them to relax and really enjoy each other’s company. Harry heads over to his flat to get some clothes. Liam is there cooking himself lunch when Harry comes into the flat.

“Wow! Hey, Haz. Surprised to see ya!” Liam jokes. 

Harry playfully tolles his eyes and walks fully into the flat. “Yeah I know right. Feels weird to be back.” He jokes. “Need to get some more clothes, ya know?”

Liam smiles. “Yeah I know. This is the first time I’m back in a little while as well. Niall must be loving this. Full on bachelor pad.”

Harry giggles. “You haven’t been staying here either?” 

Liam giggles. “No. I’ve been staying with Zayn the past few weeks.” He starts blushing. “He’s been really down so I’ve been trying to cheer him up.” Liam’s cheeks grow pink in embarrassment. 

Harry’s eyes narrow. “Cheer up how?” Liam puts his face in his hands. “Oh so definitely not PG activities.” 

Liam finally stops hiding his face in his hands. “The only way to stop Zayn from being down is to get him up… If you know what I mean.” Liam adds a quirky eyebrow bounce. 

“Liam!” Harry gasps but then bursts out laughing. 

Liam shrugs. “Just being honest.” 

“How does that work? You and him.”

Liam looks at him with a puzzled expression. “You have sex with Louis. You know how it works.” 

Harry playfully rolls his eyes. “I just mean.. Which one of you gives and which one of you takes?”

“Oh!” Liam laughs. “We actually share. Both of us like it either way so it makes our sex life rather exciting.” Liam stops and chuckles to himself. “I’m only saying this because you’re my best mate but he’s been in the giving mode since he got fired. It’s normally the other way around. I guess that he’s taking his frustrations of being fired out on me. In the best way, of course.” 

That is discouraging to Harry. They have only had sex with Harry being the bottom. Does that mean Louis will get bored? Harry slightly panics. 

“Did I say something wrong?” 

“No, no.” Harry rushes out. “I’m happy for you and Zayn.”

“But?” Liam presses. He knows Harry so well. 

“But.. I don’t know. Louis and I have only had sex with me getting it. I’ve never— I’ve never fucked him. I want to. After hearing what you said, I think he’s just going to get bored.”

Liam scoffs. “No way will he get bored. I’m sure you’re definitely keeping him on his toes. You were a virgin before him. I’m sure that’s rather exciting for both of you. Are things boring now? 

“Not at all.” Harry says confidently. 

“See? Nothing to worry about.” Liam smiles. “And if you want to try something new, just ask. He’s your boyfriend now and you should be comfortable enough to tell him your needs. If you want to top then I think you should ask him. The worst thing he can say is no. You’ll never know until you ask, Haz.”

“I guess you’re right.” Harry fidgets with his hands. “How do I go about this conversation?”

Liam chuckles. “You could bring it up casually or like cook him dinner. I don’t know.” 

“Well, how did you and Zayn discuss it?” 

“We didn’t, actually. We both got drunk one night and it just kind of happened. Not that either of us were complaining. That was some of the best sex we’ve--” 

Harry interrupts him with a raised hand. “Okay, okay.” He giggles. “So that is out of the question for us for obvious reasons.” Liam nods knowingly. “I guess I’ll just cook him dinner or something. Thanks, Li.” Harry says and walks to the front door.

“Aren’t you forgetting your clothes?” 

“Oh… Right.” Harry answers distractedly. He retreats into his room and picks a few things out of his closet. 

“Have fun with Louis’ ass tonight.” Liam jokes as Harry walks out of the front door. 

Harry’s cheeks get flushed at the thought. He nods back at Liam and shuts the door. 

Harry uses the key that is under the mat to let himself into Louis’ flat. He drops his clothes off into the bedroom and then walks to the kitchen. He gets started cooking. 

By the time Louis comes home, the food Harry has cooked is simmering on the stove and ready to be eaten. “Smells good, babe.” Louis yells into the kitchen. He spent the day finalizing grades at the university. He walks into the kitchen and plants a kiss on Harry’s forehead. 

“How was grading today?” Harry grabs two plates and pours the food onto each plate. 

“It was long and stressful. However, a certain curly headed boy got top marks. His final paper was a pleasure to read.”

Harry’s face brightens. “You liked it?” 

Louis takes his plate from Harry and they walk to the table. “I loved it, babe. You’re such a talented writer. I loved that you continued your Sweet Creature series.” Louis takes a bite of food and hums in approval. “I was happy that the curly headed boy ended happily with his sweet creature.” 

“Well I ended up with my sweet creature so it was only fair to write about how happy you make me.” 

Louis smiles widely. “So what did you do today?”

“Well, I slept in which was nice. I went to my flat and grabbed some more clothes.” 

“Why don’t you just bring all of your things over here?” 

Harry stops eating. He momentarily stops breathing too. “You mean like move in?” 

“I mean, not fully if you don’t want. You’d obviously still technically live there but you could have more of your things here so you don’t have to travel back and forth so often. You already stay most nights here so I just wanted to ask. You don’t have to though. Sorry for--.” Harry quiets his rambling by holding his hand across the table. 

“I’d love to, Lou. Most of my things are here anyways. I basically live here already. Liam and I were joking earlier that Niall has his own bachelor pad now that he and Julia broke up. It’s probably better that Li and I aren’t there.” He grimaces.

“How was it catching up with Liam today? I know it’s been a few weeks since you’ve seen him.” 

“It was really good actually. I learned way too much about his sex life but that’s what friends are for, right?” Harry jokes. 

Louis laughs. “Do I even want to know?” 

“Probably not but our talk helped me through some things so you may want to know those.” 

Louis’ eyebrow perks up in interest. “Do tell.”

Harry eats the last of his food and smiles shyly. “I want to fuck you.” Louis’ face flashes with surprise. “I want to, um, top..” Harry clarifies. 

Louis’ face changes from surprise to a blush. A smile creeps on his face. He stands up from his spot at the table. “Right now?” 

Harry huffs out a surprised laugh. He thought he was going to have to work harder than just simply asking the question. He remembers back to the first time they had sex and Louis said he liked both. Harry is forever grateful for his versatile boyfriend. 

“Uh.. yeah. If you want to.”

Louis smiles widely and saunters off to the bedroom. He leaves the dirty plates there and beckons Harry to come with him with a cock of his eyebrow. Harry couldn’t say no even if he wanted to which he definitely doesn’t. 

Louis walks into the bedroom and slides his shirt off of his body. “I’ve been waiting for this for so long. You have no idea.” He sits on the bed and waits for Harry to join him. 

“You should have said something. I want you to be satisfied with our sex life.” Harry says, leaning on the door frame. 

Louis scoffs like that is the most ridiculous thing Harry has ever said. “Trust me, baby.. I’m _very_ satisfied with our sex life. Best sex in my entire life. And when you give head--.” Louis stops himself from speaking further and bites his lip. “I can’t really talk more about that right now… My point is that I didn’t bring it up because I was waiting for you to bring it up. I wanted you to be comfortable enough to say what you want.” 

Harry’s heart swells with so many emotions for his boyfriend. “Oh.”

“And now that you’ve asked, I don’t want to wait a second longer. Come over here and fuck me.” Harry giggles at Louis’ proposal. “Please.” Louis tacks on with a smile. 

Harry doesn’t need to be told twice. He walks to the bed in supersonic speed. Louis wastes no time with helping Harry slide his shirt over his head. Harry lays the other man down and attaches their lips together. Louis is so pliant and spreads his legs wide open for Harry to get in between. Harry does and grinds his quickly hardening length against Louis’. Louis wraps his legs around Harry’s back tightly and brings him closer. 

Harry is shaking with both anticipation and nerves. He’s so excited to finally be doing this. He wants to completely satisfy Louis and he’s afraid that because of his inexperience with being a top, he won’t. He’s overthinking it. Thankfully, Louis knows Harry better than he knows himself sometimes. Louis caresses Harry’s cheek and moves his lips to kiss his neck. He nibbles at the skin exactly how Harry likes it. 

“I can’t wait for you to be inside of me, H.” Louis practically moans against Harry’s skin. “You’re going to fill me up.. Every inch of me.” The obscene words sends shivers down Harry’s spine. Louis’ words are exactly what Harry needs to get out of his head and focus on pleasuring his man. “First your fingers. Please, baby.” Louis begs and bucks his hips to meet Harry’s. The friction against their groans is intoxicating and Harry only wants more. 

“Okay..” Harry says uneasily. He needs a moment to calm his nerves down so he leaves kisses along Louis’ collarbones and chest. Louis seems to like that and little pretty sounds leave his mouth. 

“Take my pants off.” Louis groans after a particularly aggressive love bite on his collarbone. 

Harry nods mostly to himself and leaves the spot between Louis’ legs. He stops what he’s doing for a second to marvel at how beautiful Louis looks right in this moment. There is a thin layer of sweat forming on his chest. His lips are red and bitten. His cheeks are flushed and his fringe is sweaty and disheveled. Harry hasn’t even taken off his pants and he’s already gone for him. 

Louis seems to get impatient and starts taking his own pants off. His cock bobs free and is already achingly hard. He hastily slides them down his legs and throws them off the side of the bed. He opens the drawer of the bedside table and grabs the bottle of lube and tosses it on the bed next to him. Harry is still standing stock still at the edge of the bed, still staring at his man. 

“Am I going to have to open myself up?” Louis teasingly taunts. 

Louis’ words springs Harry into action. He would never miss an opportunity to play with Louis’ bum. Especially since this is the first time he’s ever gotten to. It is a crime that Louis’ bum doesn’t get the attention from Harry that it deserves. Harry is here to right that wrong. 

Harry quickly unbuttons his pants and pulls him off of each leg. He gets back on the bed. Louis is now spread out nice and open for Harry in the middle of the bed. Harry grabs the lube and situates himself in front of Louis’ spread legs. 

“Are you sure you’re ready for this?” 

“More than ready.” Harry affirms. He grabs the bottle of lube and lathers his fingers with the slippery substance. 

“Okay.. Just go slow and be gentle… It’s been a long time.” Louis lets out a high pitched chuckle. “Not to mention everything about you is huge. Your fingers.. Your dick--” 

Harry doesn’t let him continue. He silences him with running a lubed finger along Louis’ hole. That quickly shuts him up. His hole clenches in anticipation. His body is shaking as well. Harry is nervous for this too so he slides his finger inside of Louis before he can overthink his every action. 

Louis cries out as soon as Harry’s finger slides all of the way in. He is so tight. One of Harry’s large fingers is already a tight fit. Harry says still to let Louis adjust but he is not having any part of that. He bucks his hips impatiently to get Harry to start moving. Harry complies and moves his finger in and out of Louis slow and tentatively. This doesn’t seem to satisfy Louis’ needs because he’s canting his hips at a much faster pace to meet Harry’s knuckle. 

“Okay, I lied.” Louis breathes out. “Don’t be slow and gentle.” 

Harry looks up to Louis to gauge his reaction. Louis already looks so gone and Harry only has one finger inside of him. There is a thin layer of sweat covering his body. His eyes are bloodshot and his pupils are blown. He’s biting his lip while looking down at Harry. 

Harry takes a deep breath to keep from getting too aroused. Seeing Louis like this is so overwhelming. “I don’t want to hurt you.” 

Louis lets out a hollow laugh. “You won’t hurt me, baby. Want it so bad.” Louis thrusts his hips harder to meet Harry’s knuckle. “Give me everything you’ve got. I can take it.” 

Harry nods mostly to himself and goes as Louis asks. He corkscrews his finger faster and rougher. This satisfies Louis’ needs and pretty little sounds continuously leave his mouth. Harry focuses all of his energy on making Louis feel good and ignoring the pool of arousal in his own belly. 

“Give me another, H.” Louis groans out breathily. 

Harry carefully slides another finger alongside his first. It’s such a tight fit. Harry’s fingers are much larger than Louis’ so he doesn’t know how Louis is taking them so well. Louis looks taken aback at the newfound fullness but recovers quickly. It only takes him thirty seconds to adjust and start moving his hips to meet Harry’s fingers. 

Harry is marveling in the way Louis looks right now. He’s taking everything Harry gives him so well. Harry is beating himself up for not asking to do this sooner. He would have asked the first day if he would have known this was the sight he was going to see. Louis looks so beautifully wrecked. Harry tries to ignore the pangs of pleasure that go straight to his dick every time Louis moans. 

Harry scissors his fingers just how he remembers Louis doing. This elicits even louder moans from the other man. “Your fingers feel so fucking _good_, H.” Louis babbles. “So big.” Harry gains a bit of confidence from Louis’ words and teases a third finger at his entrance. Louis sharply inhales a shaky breath. “Please.” 

Harry does as he’s told. There’s such a desperation in Louis’ voice. Louis moans loudly into the quiet room once Harry slides the third finger half way inside of him. This time, he takes a little longer to adjust. Harry doesn't blame him, his fingers are quite big. This would be a stretch that even Harry isn’t used to. 

“Fucking hell, Harry.” Louis mutters. 

This comment worries Harry. “Do you want me to stop?” Harry asks automatically. 

Louis shakes his head fervently. “No!” He quickly responds. “Feel so fucking good, H. It’s just so much all at once.” 

“Okay..” Harry replies, unsure. 

“That’s a really good thing, though.” Louis rushes out. “You’re doing so well.” 

Harry nods in understanding. He’s still incredibly nervous that he’s not doing it right or isn’t good enough for Louis’ liking. Louis seems to sense this and beckons him to come up to him. This angle is awkward with Harry’s fingers still inside of Louis but he travels up Louis’ body anyway. 

Louis immediately engulfs him in a bruising kiss. His lips put Harry’s mind at ease. Louis runs his hand along Harry’s unruly hair before entangling his fingers in the curls and deepening the kiss. They kiss desperately for a few minutes before Louis breaks the kiss.

“You can move now, baby.” 

Harry presses his lips back onto Louis’ and starts moving his fingers in and out of Louis carefully. It doesn’t take long for the kiss to turn into Louis panting and whimpering into Harry’s mouth. He doesn’t mind a bit. Harry is basking in being the reason Louis is reacting this way. Those pretty moans are all because of him. 

Harry becomes hyper alert when Louis moans loudly against his lips and takes Harry’s bottom lip in between his teeth to keep quiet. Louis is trembling beneath him. Harry repeats the angle in which he thrusted his fingers and is granted the same reaction. Harry is brushing against Louis’ prostate. Harry knows first hand how good it feels for him so he makes sure to repeatedly move his fingers to meet Louis’ sensitive bundle of nerves. 

Louis’ lips travel away from Harry’s and attach themselves on the nape of Harry’s neck. He sucks at the skin desperately. His pants are shallow and rapid. Harry has never seen his boyfriend so undone and desperate. 

Louis’ hand searches blindly against Harry’s body until he finds his cock. He wraps his hand around Harry’s achingly hard length and pumps relentlessly. Harry doesn’t know how much he can take of it. His body is already pulsing with a need to be inside of Louis. He can’t have him stroking his cock if he wants to accomplish that. 

“Need you inside of me.” Louis pants against Harry’s neck.

Every nerve in Harry’s body is ignited by those five words. He spurts precome onto Louis’ hand which only causes Louis to pump harder. The lubrication of the precome makes for even more delicious friction. 

“How do you want it?” Harry asks, trying to keep from moaning. 

Louis runs his thumb along Harry’s slit which causes Harry to hiss at his over sensitive head. “Want to ride you.” Louis mumbles against Harry’s skin. 

Harry’s mind short circuits. He knows he’ll barely last two minutes with Louis on top of him and expertly riding him. He forces himself to hold himself together and do the best for Louis. He slides his fingers out of Louis and looks at him for reassurance. 

Louis nods at him and smiles. His sweet smile is such a contrast to his wrecked appearance. “Lie down, love.” 

Harry does as he’s told and lays down where Louis just was. His body is shaking with anticipation when Louis hikes his leg across Harry’s body to straddle him. Louis situates himself on top of Harry and wiggles his bum against Harry’s length. Harry exhales a shaky breath. Louis rests one hand on Harry’s chest and uses the other to caress his cheek. 

“You’re perfect.” Louis murmurs. 

Harry takes a good look at him and locks eyes with the other man. His face is soft and kind despite his pupils being blown and his cheeks being flushed. Harry doesn’t realize he is shaking his head until Louis stops him by gripping his cheek softly. 

“I wish I was more experienced for you. This is probably going to be really bad.” Harry admits self consciously. 

“I don’t.” Louis answers truthfully. “I like that you’re experiencing all of this for the first time with me.” Louis runs his other hand along Harry’s bare chest. “It’s going to be good no matter what because I’m with you, alright? That’s all that matters.” 

Harry moves his hands so that they are resting on Louis’ hip bones. Louis keens into the touch. Harry runs his hands along the curve of Louis’ bum. “You always do that.” 

“Do what?” Louis asks curiously. 

“Make me feel okay and wanted.”

“That’s because you are okay and wanted.” Louis lowers his head and kisses Harry’s lips sweetly. The kiss ends too quickly for Harry’s liking. Louis’ hands travel along Harry’s chest and sides and he bites his lip. “And if I’m being honest, I’ve never wanted anything more than I’ve wanted this.”

“Yeah?” 

“Yeah, babe.” Harry bucks his hips up subconsciously. Louis smirks and grinds his hips to meet Harry’s. Both men moan at the newfound friction.

“I’ve wanted it really badly too.” 

“So, can we get on with it then?” Harry chuckles breathlessly at the other man’s words. Harry nods. “Thank fuck.” Louis replies with a dopey grin. 

Louis bucks his hips up slightly and grabs Harry’s length in his hand. He pumps it a few times before grabbing the lube on the side of the bed. He pours a generous amount into his hand before slicking Harry’s shaft with it. He aligns Harry’s cock at his entrance and sinks down slowly. 

Harry chokes on a moan when the head of his cock slides into Louis’ heat. He has to close his eyes and bite his lip to keep from coming right then and there. Louis is so tight and warm and he’s never experienced a feeling quite like this. The pleasure is indescribable. 

Louis continues to sink down onto Harry’s cock. He doesn’t stop until he’s bottomed out. Only then does he allow himself to cry out. Louis rests a steadying hand on Harry’s sternum. Harry opens his eyes and marvels at the sight above him. He’s never seen anything or anyone so beautiful. 

Louis’ face is contorted like he’s slightly uncomfortable. “_Christ_, you’re huge.” Harry’s cheeks heat up in embarrassment. “And before you say sorry, don’t. Because it’s such a fucking good thing.” Louis knows him so well. 

Louis doesn’t waste much time before he starts moving. He grinds expertly on Harry’s dick. His hips move in perfect rhythm. Harry actually has to focus on not coming. He enjoys being the one who is fucked but they may have to make this a semi-regular occurrence because Louis was made to bounce on Harry’s dick. 

Harry realizes that he’s been so focused on not coming that he’s made Louis do all of the work. His hands are placed on Louis’ hips but he’s not helping him move. He’s also practicing great willpower by not thrusting his hips up to meet Louis’ bum. 

Like Louis is reading his mind, he speaks up. “You don’t need to be nervous. _Fuck!_ You can move and you can be rough. I like it.” 

Harry nods and squeezes his finger tips against Louis’ hips. He thrusts his hips up as Louis’ hips are thrusting down. They meet in the middle and Harry slams into Louis. Both cry out at the sensation. 

“Fuck, Harry. _More!_” Louis demands. He increases the movements of his hips. He’s moving in quick figure eights. Harry matches his rhythm. His hands travel to Louis’ bum and he squeezes his cheeks. He really needs to give Louis’ ass more attention. It’s too nice not to worship. 

Louis digs his fingers into Harry’s skin. The pleasure is getting too much to keep it to himself. He arches his back away from Harry. He places a hand behind him to steady himself and thrusts his hips much more desperately. With this new angle, his cock is bouncing against his stomach ferociously.

“Baby.” Louis moans. “You’re so good for me. So fucking good.”

“Lou.” Harry breathes out. It made him feel good when Louis complimented him. Even during such an intense moment like this one, he still sets aside his pleasure to make sure Harry knows he’s doing a good job. 

Harry flicks his hips up aggressively which causes Louis to cry out. It’s such a beautiful sound to Harry’s ears. “Keep doing that! _Fuck!_” 

Louis arches his back more and moves his hips to meet Harry’s thrusts faster and more desperate. Harry thrusts his hips the same way that he was doing and elicits the same reaction. He must have found Louis’ prostate. He tries his hardest to continually slam into his prostate. 

“Y-es!” Louis brokenly moans. The sound goes straight to Harry’s dick. He has to shut his eyes to keep from coming. He’s exercising the utmost control to not come too soon. He wants to show Louis that just because it is his first time fucking someone, it doesn’t mean he’s not good at it. 

Louis yelps in surprise when Harry grabs ahold onto his hips tightly and flips them over so that Louis is now lying on his back with Harry now having the control. 

“Fucking hell, H.” Louis chuckles breathlessly. The laugh is quickly turned into a moan and he grabs for the sheets. He bunches the sheets up in his hands and lets himself be fucked by Harry. Harry knows that it must be harder for Louis to let himself be so vulnerable and not in control. He always wants to take care of Harry which Harry loves but he also wants to make Louis feel good. 

“This okay?” Harry asks, starting to move his hips quicker. 

Louis nods repeatedly. “Perfect.” 

Harry spreads Louis’ legs further apart and rests his hands on the inside of Louis’ inner thighs. He flicks his hips relentlessly. He didn’t realize how good it would feel to take control and be the sole purpose for Louis’ pleasure. 

“_Harry!_” Louis moans. “I’m so close.” He wraps a shaky hand around his cock. He pumps it rapid and raw. “Hard.” Louis begs, looking up to Harry and biting his lip. 

Harry complies to Louis’ request and fucks into him hard and deep. Harry tries to fight the pleasure that is pooling in his belly but it’s getting harder to fight off. Being inside of Louis is beginning to be too much pleasure. 

“Oh god!” Louis moans. “Fucking _hell_, Harry.” Louis’ voice is high pitched and wrecked. His moans ignite every fiber in Harry’s being.   
Harry is so close to coming but he’s using all of the willpower remaining in his body (which is very little) to hold off until Louis comes. 

“I’m-- _fuck!_ I’m coming.” Louis whimpers as ropes of white litter his chest and stomach. 

Louis’ walls tighten around Harry. Louis was already tight but with him clenching around Harry’s cock while he’s riding out his high, it’s impossible Harry will last another minute longer. When Louis’ orgasm has ceased, he pulls Harry’s face down to him by his curls. Harry groans and that pleasure of having his hair being pulled. The groan is swallowed by Louis’ mouth as he attacks his lips to Harry’s. 

Harry’s hips begin to get sloppy and more desperate with each thrust. The kiss turns into Harry panting into Louis’ mouth. The other man bites down on Harry’s bottom lip to keep from moaning.

“Come for me, baby.” Louis whispers against Harry’s lips. 

Harry doesn’t think he’s ever came so hard in his life. Just by Louis’ soft command, he finally lets go and releases into Louis. “Lou.” Harry cries out weakly as his stills inside of his boyfriend. It’s such a different feeling to come inside of something rather than inside of his fist. He’s came down Louis’ throat countless times but it’s an entirely different feeling to come inside of Louis’ tight heat. 

Harry collapses on top of Louis’ sweaty body. Louis plants soft kisses along Harry’s jaw and up his sweaty hairline. They stay like this for a few minutes. Each man catching their breaths and replaying what just happened in their minds. 

Harry is caught by surprise when Louis starts giggling underneath him. Actually giggling. “What?” Harry asks curiously. 

“I was definitely not expecting _that._” Louis replies. 

Harry slides his softening length out of Louis and plops down next to him. “Not expecting what?”

Louis looks over to him and giggles once more. “You to be so fucking good at that.” Harry opens his mouth to speak but Louis cuts him off. “And I don’t mean that in a bad way but that was your first time topping anyone ever. I was expecting you to not last very long because that’s completely normal. But holy fuck, H. Is there anything you can’t do?”

Harry smiles triumphantly at his boyfriend. “I learn from the best, I guess.”

Louis turns on his side and snuggles into Harry’s side. “So what did you think?”

“Of fucking you?” Louis nods. “Fucking incredible, Lou.” 

Louis chuckles. “Agreed.”

“I still prefer you fucking me, though.” Louis looks up to Harry and encourages further elaboration. “I mean, don’t get me wrong… That was some of the best sex you and I have probably had.” Louis nods in agreement. “But I like having you inside of me.” Harry’s cheeks grow warm with embarrassment. He would never talk this openly about sex with anyone but Louis. 

“I prefer it that way too. We’ll have to do this more often, though, because that was incredible.” Louis says and kisses Harry’s bare chest. 

“You really think so? You aren’t just saying that?” 

Louis shakes his head against Harry’s chest. “No way.” He chuckles once again. “My boyfriend is a virgin sex god and I’m the luckiest man alive.” 

“Trust me, Lou… I’m the lucky one.” Harry replies honestly and kisses his boyfriend’s forehead.

*L*

The days have flown by since school has finished for the semester. It is already one day until Louis’ twenty-sixth birthday. He and Harry haven’t really discussed what they are going to do, if anything. Harry mentioned last week that his mum wants him to come home to Holmes Chapel and spend the holidays with she and Gemma. Louis completely understood that. However, he is slightly disappointed because he thought he was finally going to get to spend his birthday with someone he cares about. He has not celebrated his birthday since his mum died. He would always go to the bar and drink until he didn’t know his name. That worked for previous years but not this year. He’s got Harry now and he wants to celebrate the important things with him.

Louis dances around the subject for a few days prior. It’s not until the day before his birthday that he finally decides to mention it to his boyfriend.

The couple are sitting on the couch and watching Shameless (US). They started the show a week ago and have been hooked on it ever since. Harry is laying on Louis’ chest. Louis starts petting his hair. Harry practically purrs.

“You know Christmas is in two days.” Louis tries to bring it up conversationally. 

“Yeah, and your birthday is tomorrow.” Harry says matter-of-factly. 

Louis can’t contain his smile. “So it is.” 

Harry looks up from his position on Louis’ chest. “I may or may not already have the day planned.” He says with a dimpled smile. 

“Don’t you need to go home to your mum and sister?” 

Harry kisses Louis’ sternum. “I will eventually but there’s no way that I would miss my boyfriend’s birthday.” 

Louis hugs him tight. It is an awkward angle but he manages. “So then you’ll go home on Christmas? Isn’t that a few hour drive?” 

“What are you doing for Christmas?” Harry asks out of the blue.

“Nothing.” Louis answers automatically. 

Harry looks up at him and frowns. “I’m going to spend Christmas with you.” He decides. 

Louis shakes his head repeatedly. “No way am I going to let you spend Christmas with me instead of your family.” 

Harry sits up from where he is laying and moves so he is eye level with Louis. “I’m spending Christmas with you.” Harry repeats. Louis is about to protest but Harry silences him by putting a hand in the air. “I would love for you to come to Holmes Chapel with me and spend Christmas with my family but I’m just not ready to come out to them yet. This time next year, we’ll be with my family… or your family.” 

Louis kisses Harry on the cheek. He’s truly blessed to have him. “You still think we’ll be together in a year?” He asks hopefully.

Harry smiles dreamily, almost like he is in a trance. “I hope so. I’ll be here as long as you’ll have me. I don’t plan on going anywhere.” 

Louis can’t contain the happiness that he feels any longer. He grabs both of Harry cheeks and pulls him into a kiss. “You make me so happy. I wish I could formulate it into words but sometimes I can’t even think of such happy words in my head. I know that sounds sappy and stupid but it’s true.” 

Harry smiles so widely that his dimples turn into craters on his cheeks. There are tears brimming in his eyes. “You make me so happy too.”

“I’m completely serious when I say that you’ve made me happier in four months than I have been in the entire time since my mum died. I can’t thank you enough for being here for me every step of the way.” 

Harry continues to smile brightly as a single tear falls down his cheek. “I know I say it to you so much…. Too much probably.. But you really did save my life. You’ve made me happier than I have been since childhood probably.” Louis wipes away the single tear and kisses him sweetly. “I hope that I can make your birthday tomorrow has special you are. As cliche as that sounds.” 

Louis smiles so widely that his eyes crinkle. “As _cliche_ as this is going to sound, my birthday will be perfect just by having you by my side.”   
Harry pokes Louis’ cheek playfully. “I’m still going to make it a day that you won’t forget.” 

Louis smiles so widely that it hurts but he doesn’t mind. “I know you will, H.” 

Louis wakes up the morning of his birthday to breakfast in bed. Harry cooked all of his favorites and brought it to him. Louis has never had a romantic gesture tailored just for him and it was so sweet. He thanks Harry profusely. 

“This is only the beginning.” Harry says with a mischievous smile. 

“This is more than enough. I’d be content with just laying in bed with you all day.” Louis opens his arms for Harry to come cuddle but Harry shakes his head. 

“I want you to have the birthday of your dreams.” Harry whines and puckers his bottom lip out in a pout. Louis’ heart melts into a puddle on the bed. “I have so much planned for you today. Let me spoil you.” 

Louis could never say no to that face. “Of course you can, H. Thank you so much, baby.” 

“Close your eyes.” Harry commands excitedly. 

Louis does as he’s told and shuts his eyes. He hears rustling off of the bed and then something plopping onto his lap. “Can I open now?” 

“Yes, babe.” 

Louis opens his eyes and sees one of Harry’s favorite sweaters sitting on his lap. “You can’t give me your favorite sweater. You love this thing. You wear it all of the time.” 

“That’s why I want you to have it.” 

“Harry..” Louis tries but cuts himself off. His voice his laced with emotion and he can feel his throat beginning to get tight.

“Happy birthday, Lou.” Harry says brightly and leans over to kiss him.

Louis puts his all into the kiss. He hasn’t even been up an hour and this is already one of the best birthdays he has ever had. “Thank you, babe.” 

“I have one more present for you. It’s in the living room.” 

Louis shimmies out of bed and pulls on the sweater that Harry gave him. He loves that it smells likes Harry. He’s only wearing boxers and he knows he was going to get cold. Harry lets him walk ahead to the living room. Louis gives the room a once over but doesn’t see anything on the couch. He turns around and gives him a puzzled look.

“Look on the floor.” 

Louis does as he’s told and spots the rug on the floor. It is an insanely fluffy, white rug. Louis and Harry had joked about one thing they would really want in their place and Louis said a fluffy rug. When Harry asked why, Louis only laughed. He finally told him it was because he would love to lay around on it while naked during a lazy day and not have a care in the world.

Louis bursts out laughing. “You didn’t!” 

“I did.” Harry says, grinning. 

“You just wanted to see me naked.” 

Harry giggles. It is still one of Louis’ favorite sounds. “Guilty.” Louis chuckles and wraps his boyfriend into a hug. “In all seriousness, I just wanted to get you something that you really wanted.” 

“You succeeded. Thank you so much.” Harry kisses Louis’ forehead and then releases himself from his hold. 

“We should get ready, babe. I have a busy day planned for you.” Harry says, gently slapping Louis’ bum. 

Louis pulls Harry back to him and wraps his arm around his boyfriend. Harry turns his head away from him and towards the door. Louis uses this opportunity to suck a love bite onto his exposed neck. Harry’s breath hitches but stays where he is. 

“We should probably go get dressed.” Harry suggests, trying to remain calm and collected.

“How much time do we have?” Louis asks, sliding his hands down Harry’s body and cupping his bum. Harry swallows drily. 

“About an hour or so.” Harry mumbles, moving into the touch. 

“That’s plenty of time.” Louis whispers into Harry’s neck, hands traveling to Harry’s front and grabbing Harry’s hardening length. 

“We should probably going though..” Harry says noncommittally. 

Louis’ fingers rest on the hem of Harry’s boxers. He’s only wearing boxers and his usual sweater so it makes it easy for Louis to touch. Louis inches his boxers down very slowly. “But it’s my birthday.” Louis says and pulls Harry’s cock out of its clothed constraints. Harry bites his lip. 

“It is.” 

Louis starts pumping Harry’s length agonizingly slow. “And you said you wanted to make this the best birthday ever.” 

Harry nods. “Yes.”

Louis tugs at Harry’s hair to bring him to his level and his presses their lips together. A soft moan escapes Harry’s lips but is swallowed by the kiss. The kiss is heated but Harry is holding back. Louis bites Harry’s bottom lip. He bucks his hips into Louis’ hand, slightly giving in to the attention Louis is showing him. 

“I want to fuck you hard and raw on that new rug of ours.” Louis whispers against Harry’s lips. 

Harry pulls away from Louis only to pull his sweater over his head and throw it on the floor. 

This springs Louis into action and he sheds himself of the sweater he is wearing and slides his boxers down his legs. Harry strips from his boxers as well. Louis reaches for his boyfriend but he sticks a finger out at him to signify to give him a second and he walks into the bedroom. Louis takes this time to get down on the floor and sit on the new rug. It is so soft and fluffy. It is going to feel so good to fuck Harry against it. 

Harry returns with a bottle of lube. His cheeks are flushed and he’s biting his lip. He tosses the bottle on the floor and situates himself on Louis’ lap. Their cocks rub together in just the right way which causes both men to sigh contently. 

Louis knows that Harry has them on a schedule for today and doesn’t want to miss what he has planned so Louis wastes no time with running a dry finger along Harry’s hole. They had sex just last night so he figures he won’t need to prep Harry too much. It is his birthday, after all, so he wants to try something a little adventurous. 

“Baby.” Louis coos as Harry bucks his hips back to meet his finger. “I want you to do something for me.” 

Harry gives him a puzzled look. “Hmm?” 

“I want you to open yourself up for me. Wanna see it.” 

Harry locks eyes with Louis and bites his lip nervously. “Y-you do?” 

Louis squeezes Harry bum in response. “God yes. I’ve wanted to see it since you told me about it that day in my office.” He kisses and licks along Harry’s neck and collarbones in anticipation. He is getting so riled up about even the thought of it. Harry moves into the touch and his hands roam Louis’ body. 

“Okay.” Harry replies in a small voice.

“Yeah?” Louis breathes out in astonishment. 

Harry nods. “How do you want me?” He climbs off of Louis and moves onto his knees on the rug. 

Louis’ mind races with possibilities. He doesn’t know if he will ever get an opportunity to see Harry finger himself open from Louis’ command. An endless amount of pleasure was already starting to pool in Louis’ belly. 

“Bum in the air. I wanna see you, baby. All of you.”

Harry nods and bites his lip again. His lips are bitten raw by now. They are the most beautiful shade of red. He does as Louis suggests and gets down on all fours. He lifts his bum in the air so it is on full display. He grabs for the lube and pours the slippery liquid onto his fingers with shaky hands. 

“You’re so beautiful like this, H.” Louis tell him honestly. His hands are twitching with need to touch the other man but he refrains. 

Harry looks back at him with a small smile. The words seem to calm his nerves a bit because his face relaxes. He locks eyes with Louis as he pushes his first finger inside of himself. A pretty moan escapes his lips. 

Louis has the urge to touch himself. It’s almost a crippling urge. He’s never seen anything in his life that turns him on more than Harry fingering himself. He’s so delicate with his movements. The sight in front of him should not be legal. 

“Baby.” Louis practically moans. He can’t help himself. 

At the sound of Louis’ words, Harry pumps into himself quicker before adding a second finger. He wasn’t full enough with just one. He doesn’t wait to move the two fingers and resumes pumping them in and out. 

“Fuck.” Harry grits out, his voice much lower than normal. It is almost like a growl. 

Louis can’t contain himself any longer. He wraps a hand around his cock and fists it in his hand slowly, almost teasingly slow. Harry is really into it now. His hips buck back to meet his fingers. Pretty little noises continue to flow from him and into the quick room. Louis’ breaths are coming out of him in rapid puffs. He’s already so worked up and he’s not even gotten his hands on Harry. Just seeing his boyfriend like this could send him over the edge in minutes. 

Harry’s entire body shakes when he’s found his prostate. “_S-hit._” He brokenly moans and quickens the movements of his fingers, chasing the feeling. 

“Fucking hell, Harry.” Louis grunts out in awe. His boyfriend is really fingering himself right in front of him. This day is already the best day of his life. 

Harry looks back at Louis. His pupils are completely blown and his face is flushed. “Like what you see?” He asks innocently. His innocence turns dirty when an obscene moan emits from him. 

“Fucking-- Yes, baby. So fucking much. Just want to put my hands on you.” 

“Please.” Harry begs as he adds a third finger inside of him. 

Louis sits up on his knees and grabs a handful of Harry’s hair. He tugs lightly and guides his boyfriend’s head to his own. He pulls him into an urgent kiss. Louis’ tongue licks Harry’s bottom lip and slides into the other man’s mouth. With the way that they are angled, Louis can feel Harry’s movements as he’s fingering himself. His motions are quick and desperate. 

Louis bites Harry’s bottom lip roughly before breaking the kiss. “Just want to be inside of you.” 

“_Please._” Harry pleads before pulling Louis into another kiss. 

Louis taps Harry’s wrist as if to tell him to take his fingers out. Harry does this immediately and cants his hips back so his bum brushes up against Louis’ cock. Louis slides his thumb into Harry once before removing it once more. Harry moans impatiently into Louis’ mouth. Harry thankfully used so much lube that they didn’t need anymore. Louis is too anxious to get inside of Harry to find the lube anyway. 

Louis positions himself at Harry’s entrance while still kissing him. He slides into Harry without stopping until he’s bottomed out. Harry is loose enough that it’s not painful. Louis breaks the kiss so he can focus solely on thrusting into Harry and making him feel good. He grabs a hold of each of Harry’s hips and slams into him roughly. Harry’s arm give out from exhaustion and he lands on his forearms; his face buried into the fluffy rug. 

“_Lou._ Fuck-- You’re so deep.” Harry moans into the rug. He grabs handfuls of the rug, pleasure getting to be too much. He bucks his hips back to meet each thrust Louis gives him. 

Louis knew that this was going to have to be a quickie but he didn’t realize that he would be so close to coming after only minutes of being inside of Harry. 

“Feel so good. My boy!” Louis praises. He continues to thrust into Harry rapidly and rough. He’s noticed that the rougher he is with his boyfriend, the quicker he comes. He loves that Harry is able to get out of his head completely when they have sex and fully enjoy himself. It was the one time that Harry had no worries or insecurities. The only thing on his mind during this time is to come. Louis could relate wholeheartedly. 

“_Harder!_” Harry demands, his moans growing louder and more broken with each thrust. 

Louis complies to his request and slams into him so hard that his hip bones smack against Harry’s bum. Harry cries out in bliss. “More! Just like that. Fuck, Louis!” 

Harry’s constant stream of moans are music to Louis’ ears. It only added to the pool of arousal in Louis tummy. He could feel his orgasm quickly approaching. He digs his fingers deeper into Harry’s hip with one hand and grabs a handful of his hair with the other. He change the angle slightly so that he’s practically on top of Harry while he’s fucking in and out of him. This change allows him to go even deeper than before. Louis pulls harder at Harry’s hair, likely burning his scalp. Harry loves it; sobbing in bliss into the rug. 

“Oh my god!” Harry moans loudly. 

Louis is completely caught by surprise when Harry clenches around him. Harry came without putting his hands on himself which was a first. Harry is writhing in pleasure underneath him, his orgasm more intense than usual. Louis fucks him through his high while gazing in complete awe. His boyfriend looks indescribable when he comes. It is an absolute privilege for Louis to get to see. He comes apart so beautifully. 

Louis only lasts another thirty seconds before he comes inside of Harry. He stills and slides out of Harry. He plops down on the soft rug next to his boyfriend. Harry finally collapses fully onto the rug. He’s out of breath and sweaty. He looks like he could go for a nap. His eyes fluster open to look at Louis but his eyelids are heavy. 

“That-” Harry swallows drily. “Was the most intense orgasm I’ve ever had.” 

Louis doesn’t know what comes over him but he starts giggling like a madman. He’s drunk on the feeling of post sex and the innocence of Harry’s comment. 

“You’re so amazing.” Louis says after his laughter dies down. “Just when I think you can’t get any better, you do something like that and become even _more_ amazing.”   
Harry looks at him with a puzzled expression. “All I said was my orgasm was intense.” 

Louis giggles again. “I know, baby.” Harry continues to give him a confused stare. “Just everything that you do and say is endlessly intriguing to me. I can’t explain it.”

“O-kay.” Harry replies slowly. 

“Sorry, I’m probably not making any sense.” Louis says with a laugh. 

“No.” Harry responds but then breaks out in a smile. “Sometimes I wish I knew what went on in the mind of yours, Louis Tomlinson.” He says whimsically.

“I wish you knew, too.” Louis takes Harry’s hand in his own and brings it to his mouth. His lips brush against Harry’s hand. “Then you would know exactly how I feel about you.” 

Harry smiles slightly and then gets up abruptly. “We’re filthy.” He notes, changing the subject. 

“We are.” Louis says, allowing him to drop the topic of feelings. 

Harry sits up on his knees and then stands up, pulling Louis along with him. “Let’s go shower. We’ve got a busy day ahead of us!” Harry says determinedly. 

The two men shower quickly, washing the smell of sex off of their bodies. Harry lets Louis wash his hair which has quickly became one of Louis’ favorite things to do. They dry off quickly. 

“Get dressed!” Harry says excitedly. 

Both of them head into the bedroom to change. Louis is determined to wear Harry’s sweater that he was gifted earlier. It’s already his favorite thing. Harry giggles when Louis puts the sweater back on from the floor as they walk into the bedroom.

“You look adorable.” Harry comments. 

“I love wearing your clothes. They are so roomy. I practically swim in them.” 

Harry fake pouts. “I’m not that huge, okay?” Louis smiles at him, unconvinced. “I’m going to wear your clothes from now on.” Harry decides.

“Oh, yeah?” Louis looks around his pile of clothes and picks out a plain white t-shirt. It looks small to Harry but surely fits Louis perfectly. “Try this.” 

Louis throws the shirt to Harry and he puts it on with no problem. “How do I look?” Harry asks bashfully.

“Beautiful.” Louis responds with a smile.

Harry is radiating with happiness. It’s so contagious. Louis hasn’t enjoyed his birthday since his mum died. His birthday this year isn’t even halfway over and it is already better than all of those birthdays combined. They quietly dress into their clothes.

“You’re so good to me.” Harry murmurs, grinning back at Louis. His dimples are on full display and it has Louis melting to the floor. His boyfriend couldn’t be more perfect if he tried. He closes the distance between he and Harry and presses their lips together. Harry sighs contently into the kiss. They part shortly after.

“So where are you taking me?” Louis asks curiously.

Harry’s face brightens at his question. “Well, I remember a few weeks ago you told me how much you use to enjoy ice skating with your family…” Louis’ face lights up at what his boyfriend was insinuating. “So, I thought it would be fun to take you. I’ve never been so I thought you could teach me.” 

“You’ve never been?” 

Harry shakes his head and snorts. “Ice doesn’t work well for the uncoordinated.”

Louis laughs. It is a genuine, hearty face. His head falls back in laughter. “Those poor little giraffe legs.”

Harry pouts. “Heeey.” This only makes Louis laugh harder. Harry folds his arms to further his pout. “Your birthday is canceled.” 

Louis walks over to the bed and plops onto it. “Good. So we can go back to bed. I’m knackered from that birthday sex.” He wiggles his eyebrows seductively for further emphasis. 

Harry giggles. “Get up, you mennis.”

Louis sighs exaggeratedly but stands up anyway. “Alright. Let’s go, mister day planner.”

Harry takes his hand and walks him out of the flat and into Louis’ car. 

The drive to the outdoor ice skating rink is full of jokes and laughter. Louis is always laughing and smiling with Harry but today is especially a good day for them. Harry did not let go of Louis’ hand for the entire drive. Their hands rested on Harry’s lap. Louis caught Harry looking down at their hands and grinning from ear to ear. It melted Louis’ heart to see how happy Harry was to be with him, to be this happy in general. 

They finally get to the ice skating rink and Harry goes to pay for their ice skates. Louis insists that he be the one to pay but Harry shuts down each request. “It’s your birthday.” Harry would say every time.

“Are you nervous to get on the ice?” Louis asks when he notices that Harry’s hands are shaking. 

“A little.” Harry admits. “I’ll have your hand to hold and I know that you’ll pick me up if I fall.”

Louis grins at his boyfriend. “Always, H.” 

Harry looks down at the ground, smiling. He stays quiet for a few seconds before standing up and reaching for Louis’ hand. “Ready?” 

Louis takes Harry’s hand, his own being engulfed completely by Harry’s larger one. Louis stands up as well and they walk towards the ice. Although, walk is a generous word. Harry nearly falls with every step that he takes. Louis can’t help but laugh at his uncoordinated boyfriend. 

They finally make it to the side of skating rink. Louis gracefully sets his feet onto the ice and does a little spin to show off to Harry. He catches Harry’s eye and is momentarily dazed by his beauty that he loses his footing and fall to the ice. Harry doubles over in laughter, still holding onto the railing. 

Louis pouts, staying on the ground. He refuses to get up until Harry stops laughing. “You’re mean.” Louis whines.

This only causes Harry to laugh harder. When his laughter finally dies down, Harry extends his hand for Louis to take. He’s still holding onto the railing for dear life. Louis takes his hand and pulls his boyfriend down to him. Harry yelps in surprise and falls on top of Louis.

“Babe!” Harry scolds, slapping Louis’ chest playfully. 

“That’s what you get for laughing at me.” Louis counters.

Harry moves off of his boyfriend and pouts on the ground. “Help me up. Please!” He asks as Louis stands up. “I’m helpless down here. If I try to get back up, I’ll fall.”  
Louis extends his hand. “Only because you’re so cute when you’re clumsy.” 

Harry grabs his hand and gets to his feet after a bit of a struggle. “But I’m always clumsy.” 

“Exactly. You’re always cute.” 

The two men ice skate for the better part of two hours. Louis felt so good to be back on the ice. So many memories of him ice skating with his sisters flood his mind and for the first time, he doesn’t feel sad to think about it. Only happiness and fondness are on his mind. 

Harry eventually got the hang of using the skates. He’s not exactly the best at it though he stopped falling on his bum after the first hour. Louis was always there to pick him up when he fell. 

The pair decide to leave when Harry’s teeth are chattering from the cold. It is abnormally cold in London right now and Harry is not used to it. There is snow on the ground too. The pair walk hand in hand to Louis’ car. They only break apart when Louis has to unlock the car. 

“So what are we--.” Louis is cut off by a ball of snow being thrown at him. It lands in his hair. He looks around to see Harry innocently looking at him while crouching down by a pile of snow. “You little shit!” Louis laughs, brushing the snow out of his hair. 

When Harry stands up, Louis rushes towards another pile of snow. Harry squeals in surprise and grabs another handful of snow. He beelines it towards the car and hides behind it for safety. Louis quickly makes several snowballs. He figures his best strategy is to have a good number of snowballs before actually throwing them. Harry will run out of snow and have to retreat to get more and that is when Louis will attack. 

Harry has the advantage now and even with his bad aim, he pelts Louis twice with snowballs. It is game on for Louis now. He is committed to drenching Harry in snow. He feels like he’s ten years old again. There are several patrons that are walking into the ice skating rink’s entrance and staring but neither man seems to care in the slightest.

Harry is giggling like a madman while throwing the snowballs at his boyfriend. “Shit.” Harry curses. He must be out of snow. This is Louis’ chance.

Harry darts out from behind the car and runs straight towards a big pile of snow. Louis grabs several of the snowballs he has just made and throws them at Harry. The first one he throws makes contact with Harry’s bum. Harry looks back and smirks before grabbing a handful of snow. Louis throws three more that make contact with Harry before Harry has time to make another snowball. 

The pair throw snowballs back and forth for several minutes before Harry throws his hands up in surrender. “Okay, you win!” 

Louis walks over to his boyfriend with his last snowball in hand. Harry’s feet are planted in position. When Louis is finally next to Harry, he crushes the snowball on top of Harry’s head. Harry yelps in surprise. Louis looks at his boyfriend fondly. “Of course, I do.” Louis wasn’t talk about the snowball fight anymore. 

Harry smiles back at his boyfriend but doesn’t say anything. Louis gestures to his car and they head that way without another word. Louis really liked the fact that they didn’t always have to use their words in order to convey their feelings. Nothing was spoken between them but both knew how happy the other made them. 

As soon as they are situated in the car, Louis blasts the heat. Both men were shivering from the endlessly amounts of snow that were thrown on them. Despite the cold, both were smiling from ear to ear. 

The drive for the first few minutes are quiet. Louis remembers that he doesn’t know where he’s driving to. “So where are you taking me next, babe?” 

Harry giggles. “Oh, yeah. I keep forgetting you don’t know what I have planned for you.” His face contorts in thought. “I wish I had my license so I could take you these places myself.” 

Louis interwines his cold fingers in Harry’s. “I don’t mind driving us around, baby.” 

“I know, it’s just… Anyway, I’m taking you to dinner now.”

“Where to?” 

“I’ll type it in Google maps. At least then it’s a little bit of a surprise.” Harry uses his free hand to type in the address. He plugs in his phone so Louis can hear the directions. 

The drive is quiet so Louis can listen to the directions. As they get closer, Louis realises where Harry is taking him. “You-.” Louis starts but Harry quickly interrupts him. 

“We don’t have to go. I just thought.. I don’t actually know what I thought. It was a stupid idea, really.” 

Louis parks the car and pulls his boyfriend into a kiss. “It’s not stupid at all, babe. I can’t believe you’re taking me where I took you on our first date. It’s so cute.” Harry blushes. “And romantic, too.” 

The couple walk into the quaint Itailian restaurant that they went to several weeks ago. The lady that served them the first time is working again. “Hello! Good to see you two again.” Louis is surprised that she remembers them but it also doesn’t look like the restaurant gets insanely busy.

“Hi!” Harry says cheerfully. “It’s actually this one’s birthday today.” He points at Louis. 

Louis doesn’t really like attention on him. When he was younger, he made his family promise not to make a big deal about it. Of course, they would never keep that promise. He warmed Louis’ heart that Harry is the exact same way that his family was. He knew in that moment that he picked the right person to spend his time with. To spend his life with, if Harry wanted him for that long. 

“Happy birthday!” The woman says happily. 

The woman sits them down at the same table they sat at when they had their first date. It is so sentimental to Louis. He’s filled with such emotion. All good emotions. All happy emotions. 

Dinner is filled with laughter and deep conversations about anything and everything. He and Harry could talk for hours about any topic and not be bored. It helped that neither man would judge the other for any opinion that they had. The waitress brought Louis a free slice of cake for his birthday. Harry sang ‘Happy Birthday’ to him quietly but confidently. Louis feels like the luckiest man alive to have this beautiful boy in his life. He still can’t believe that he gets to call Harry his. 

Once dinner is over, Louis drives Harry home. Both are tired and have their bellies full of delicious food. Harry walks into the house immediately but Louis stays outside longer to smoke a cigarette and process the day he’s had. This is one of the best birthdays that he has ever had. It was simple but he loved that Harry put thought and effort into each step of his birthday. He couldn’t be more thankful for his boy. Harry has made his life happier than he could ever imagine himself being. 

Louis walks back into the house and sees that Harry has retreated to their bedroom. Louis takes off his coat and walks back into the room to meet him. Harry is leaning his weight on the wall next to the bed. “What are you doing, babe?” 

“I have one more birthday present for you.” Harry says lowly. 

Louis cocks his eyebrow up in question. “What is it?” 

“Get on the bed and I’ll show you.” 

Louis doesn’t need told twice and walks towards the bed. He sits on the edge and waits for Harry’s next move. Harry strips his coat and slides his shirt over his head. “Oh, so it’s that kind of surprise.” Louis mutters excitedly. He starts striping his clothes off as well. Harry is naked from the waist up but doesn’t take his pants off. “Or not that kind of surprise.” Louis asks, puzzled. 

“This is going to be all about you, babe.” 

Louis’ cock twitches in interest. He has never had anyone that wants to solely focus on his pleasure so it’s a new concept for him. A concept that he welcomes, of course.

“What do you have in mind?” 

“Um.” Harry starts but then close his mouth. He looks so nervous. Louis nods and encourages him to continue. “I wanted to try something I’ve never gotten to do before..” He pauses once more. “I want to, uh, eat you out.”

Louis deadpans at Harry’s words. He would never have expected that to come out of Harry’s mouth. This is new territory for Louis, too. He’s never had his bum eaten out before. He’s normally a top so none of his old partners have thought to ask. 

“I’ve never… No one’s ever done that to me before.” Harry runs a nervous hand through his hair. His facial expression shows regret for asking to do that in the first place. “I want you to, of course.” Louis rushes out. “I just wanted to let you know.”

“Okay.” Harry whispers and walks over to Louis. He gently sits down on the bed next to Louis. 

Louis knows that Harry gets nervous when he’s about to try something new in the bedroom so he decides to take control of the situation. He strips out of his pants and boxers and lays down on the bed. Harry looks at him with wide eyes and gulps drily. 

“How do you want to do this?” Louis asks curiously. 

“Want you to ride my face.” Harry admits, eyes darkening in anticipation. 

“Fucking hell.. Okay.” Louis mutters in surprise. 

Harry bites his bottom lip before laying down next to Louis on the bed. He turns to Louis and crashes their lips together. Louis immediately deepens the kiss. He’s eager to have Harry’s mouth on him in other areas of his body. 

Louis is not used to being this horny all of the time. He likes sex, of course, but never has he wanted it this bad. Harry could simply look at him a certain way and he would be ready to go. It’s even more intense now that Harry wants to eat him out since he’s never had it done to him before. It’s something new and exciting. 

Louis climbs onto Harry’s lap and grinds onto his clothed cock. Harry grunts into Louis’ mouth and bucks his hips up to meet Louis’ naked body. Louis slips his tongue inside of Harry’s mouth and the pair are panting messes within minutes. 

Harry breaks the kiss and moves his lips to Louis’ neck. He knows it’s a weak spot for Louis. He sucks on the nape of his neck roughly. Louis moans quietly, canting his hips repeatedly against Harry’s groin. 

“Lou.” Harry whimpers against Louis’ neck. “This is supposed to be about you.” 

Louis pulls at Harry’s hair and elicits the reaction he was excepting, more moans. “Then make it about me.” Louis says desperately. 

Harry grabs Louis’ bum and grinds their hips together in the manner that he wants. The friction on Louis’ cock is delicious. “Then come here.” 

Louis begrudgingly untangles himself from Harry’s hold and turns his body around so that his bum is facing Harry’s face. He hears Harry take a deep breath. Louis swears that he sees Harry’s cock twitch in his jeans. 

“Don’t hold back. You can put all of your weight on me. It’s okay.” Harry reassures. 

Louis knows he won’t suffocate Harry like that but he appreciates the sentiment. He lowers himself onto Harry’s face but leaves enough space for him to breath and move his face. 

Harry licks along Louis’ hole. It’s such a new sensation for Louis but he absolutely loves it. Harry’s tongue hasn’t even gone inside of him yet and he already feels like he’s on cloud nine. Harry kitten licks at Louis’ hole a few more times before slipping his tongue past the strong ring of muscle. 

Louis cries out at the sensation. Harry’s tongue is so warm and inviting. Harry’s long tongue fills him up very nicely. He starts fucking his tongue in and out of Louis slowly, taking his time. 

“Harry, _oh my god!_” Louis moans, moving his bum closer to Harry’s face. He’s chasing the feeling Harry’s tongue makes him feel. 

Harry grabs ahold of Louis’ inner thighs and pushes him closer to his face. Louis is now entirely sitting on Harry’s face. Harry’s tongue can get so much deeper inside of Louis’ walls now. He’s treading dangerously close to Louis’ prostate. 

What makes this whole experience even better of Louis is the fact that Harry is moaning while doing so. Harry is enjoying having his tongue being inside of Louis. It’s turning him on to make Louis feel this good. 

Louis rests a steadying hand on Harry’s stomach and carefully rocks his hips back to meet Harry’s face. Harry moans even louder at Louis taking control. His moans vibrate Louis to his inner core. It gives him goosebumps. 

Louis is practically fucking himself with Harry’s tongue. The feeling of having Harry’s tongue inside him is borderline euphoric. He can’t get over the fact that this is happening, that he is riding Harry’s face right now. 

Harry’s tongue brushes against Louis’ prostate. Louis drops his head back in pleasure. “Fuck!” He moans and flicks his hips the same way to chase the feeling. Harry’s tongue continuously hits Louis’ prostate. His tongue is constantly on that pad of nerves with the way Louis is moving his hips. It is beginning to make Louis feel overstimulated in the best way possible. 

To help himself with lasting longer, he focuses his energy on Harry. He knows Harry said this was all about him but he can’t just _not_ touch Harry. Harry is subtly bucking his hips against nothing which is turning Louis on that much more. He is so sexually frustrated that he’s bucking his hips to get friction that he so desperately needs. 

Louis moves his hands to the front of Harry’s jeans and quickly up buttons them. He struggles to slide the fabric down Harry’s legs but Harry bucks his hips to help. He clearly needs some kind of relief. His hard cock was confined to his tight jeans. Louis takes Harry’s cock in his hand and uses his precome to slick him up. Harry’s moans are louder against Louis’ bum. Vibrations circulate through him. 

“Baby.” Louis coos which quickly turns into a moans. 

Louis expertly works Harry’s length in his hand but it’s not enough for him to distract himself from coming too soon. He changes his angle and slightly lowers himself so that he can more easily slide Harry’s dick into his mouth. First, he focuses on his head. He knows that is extremely sensitive for Harry. He laps his tongue along the head, catching a dribble of precome that squirts out as Louis is giving Harry the attention he deserves. 

Louis can feel his orgasm quickly approaching. Harry is so good with his mouth, he always has been. However, the way his is working Louis open with his tongue is next level. Louis’ hips continue to rock back towards Harry’s mouth.

Louis slides Harry’s cock down his throat roughly. He takes all that he can, allowing himself to open his throat and breath through his nose. Harry whimpers beneath him and thrusts his tongue even further inside of Louis’ bum. It almost seemed like a competition to see who could get the other to come first. Louis loves a good challenge so he increases the suction of his cheeks and slides Harry’s cock even deeper down his throat. 

Harry doesn’t last two more minutes until he’s coming down Louis’ throat. Louis swallows every drop that he is given. He quite likes the way the Harry tastes. As Harry is riding out his orgasm, his tongue thrusts urgently into Louis. His tongue reaching every inch that it can reach. 

Louis slides Harry’s spent cock out of his mouth and wraps his hand around his own length. “H!” He moans. “You’re so good. So fucking good. _Fuck._” Louis is grinding his hips on Harry’s face, desperately to feel Harry’s tongue deeper and deeper. Harry’s tongue flicks Louis’ prostate just right. “Fuck, I’m gonna come. _Shit!_” Louis pumps weakly at his cock twice more before coming into his fist and onto Harry’s stomach. His legs shake violently and his load moan fills the silent room. 

When Louis is finished riding his high, Harry slides his tongue out of him and kisses his bum softly. Louis climbs off of him and collapses next to his boyfriend. Harry takes awhile to catch his breath. Louis clearly suffocated him a little too much. Harry looks a little dazed but looks like he feels good, sedated. 

Harry turns on his side and cuddles into Louis. “Happy birthday, Lou.” 

“Thank you for making this the best birthday you possibly could. I’ve never been so happy on my birthday. Not in years.” Louis remains quiet for a few seconds. “I really wish my mum were here, though.” 

Harry snuggles further into Louis’ side. “She is, Lou. I know it.” 

Louis’ breath hitches. He knows that Harry is right. He can feel her presence in most things that he does. She always looking down on him. “She would have loved you, babe.”

“And I would have loved her.” Harry kisses Louis’ bare chest. “Will you tell me a little bit more about her?”

“What do you want to know?” Louis feels his heart begin to beat faster. It’s going to be hard to talk about her because he misses her so much but he wants to talk about his. He wants to remember the good things about her, not just the utter sadness of her death. That’s what she would have wanted him to do. She wouldn’t have wanted him to ruined his life with sadness like he has. 

“What was your favorite thing about her?”

“She devoted her life to her kids. She always wanted to be a mum. She told me once that it was her dream from such a young age. She always wanted to have a big family. She was selfless. She was.. Is. She is my role model. She was so beautiful, H. Inside and out. I really hope one day that she looks down on me and sees something that she can be proud of.” 

“She already does, Lou. I know it. You’re something to be proud of.” 

Louis shakes his head in disagreement. “She wouldn’t be proud of the man I’ve become.”

“She _would!_” Harry insists. “You’ve gotten yourself out of the hardest point in your life. You’re beating alcoholism which is something that most people don’t come back from. You’re an incredible professor and you care so deeply for every one of your students. You love to see them succeed.” Harry kisses Louis’ chest again. “I’ve never been so proud of someone in my entire life, Lou. I know I never got to meet your mum but I know in my heart that she would be proud of you. You should be proud of _yourself_ too. You’re incredible, Louis. I truly mean that.” Harry lifts his head up and locks eyes with Louis.

“I--” _Love you._ Those words almost slip out of Louis’ mouth. He doesn’t know where that came from. They almost slipped out of his mouth so easily. “I’m so happy to have you in my life. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

Harry leans down and brushes their lips together. It’s a short kiss but it’s exactly what Louis needed. Harry yawns and lays back down on Louis’ chest. He is asleep within minutes. He is ever so softly snoring against Louis’ chest. Louis smiles fondly. 

Louis finally lets himself think about those three little words that nearly slipped out of his mouth. _I love you._ He hasn’t thought about these words before. He’s never told a lover that he loved them and meant it before. Does he even mean them with Harry? Of course he does. Of course! He can’t pinpoint the exact moment when he fell in love with Harry but he knows that it’s been months. It’d be impossible to not fall in love with Harry. Harry, his shy and damaged but impossibly beautiful and kind boyfriend. 

So this is what being in love feels like? Louis thinks to himself. He looks down at his sleeping beauty and that’s all the confirmation that he needs. This is what being in love felt like. He truly liked being in love and hopes that there is never a point in his life where he’s not in love with his boy. His happiness. His whole world.


	8. Crash and Burn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry goes to Holmes Chapel. Louis gets some bad news and doesn't react well to it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is very triggering so read with caution please.

*H*

Harry doesn’t want to leave Louis. Not at all. But he has to. He spent both Christmas and New Years with him. He also really misses his mum and his sister. There is only four days until spring term starts so he decides that this is as good of a time as any to go home to Holmes Chapel. It doesn’t mean it hurts him any less to be leaving Louis for that long.

“I really wish I didn’t have to go.” Harry pouts while packing his bags. He knows that he’s being ridiculous but he’s going to miss Louis so much. Even if it is only three days. Louis is his happy place.

“It’s going to be okay, I promise. It’s only a few days. You can call me every night before bed and we can fall asleep on the phone together.” Louis says with a small smile. He puts one of his shirts that Harry likes to wear in his bag. 

“I’ll hold you to that promise.” Harry says, leaning in for a kiss. Louis grants him that kiss and plants a peck on his lips. 

“I’m going to miss you, though.” Louis answers truthfully. 

They haven’t been apart for more than a day since the time Louis panicked about losing his job and told Harry they couldn’t see each other outside of school. Oh how they were in a completely different situation now. It feels like that was years ago to Harry. They are in a good place now which makes it all the more hard to leave his boyfriend.

Louis drives him to the train station. The car ride there is quiet. Both are dreading the inevitable. They listen to the radio and sing along but other than that, neither speak. Louis parks the car and walks him to his train. 

“Call me when you make it there safely, alright?” Louis asks, frown etched on his face. 

“I will.” Harry nods. 

“C’mere.” Louis says opening his arms for Harry to come into. 

Harry rushes into Louis’ arms. His head rests on top of Louis’ and he tries to memorize the scent of his hair. It smells of coconuts and cigarette smoke. Normally, Harry hates the smell of smoke but he finds himself missing the smell when he’s not around. He holds his boyfriend tight. Even if it’s only three days, it’s three days that he won’t have his boyfriend to hold. He savers every last second of it.

The pair finally part. Harry has tears welling in his eyes. He can’t help it. “Hey, don’t cry.” Louis says, cupping his hand along Harry’s cheek. “It’s only three days and then you’ll be coming back home to me.” 

“Three days.” Harry repeats. 

Louis pulls Harry’s face to his and they kiss shortly. Louis’ lips are so 

“I--.” Louis starts but quickly closes his mouth. He sighs quietly. “Bye, baby. I’ll see you soon.” 

“Bye, Lou.” Harry replies. 

Harry starts to inch away towards the train. Louis holds his hand in his own. Harry pulls his hand away but Louis’ hand lingers against his. Neither want to let go. Harry lets himself be wrapped into Louis’ arms one last time. Louis tugs lightly at Harry hair and brings him down to his level. They kiss once more. This time the kiss is much more urgent. The kiss conveys emotions that cannot be conveyed through their words. They part again and Harry forces himself away from Louis. 

Harry starts walking to the train without another word. Right before he boards the train, he looks back at Louis. His boyfriend is smiling but the smile doesn’t reach his eyes. Harry kisses his hands and blows the kiss in Louis’ direction. Louis jumps up dramatically to catch the kiss and puts it in his pocket. Harry grants himself one last glance at his happiness before handing the conductor his ticket and boarding the train. 

The train ride to Holmes Chapel from London is about two hours long. Harry spends that time distracting himself with music and drowning out all of the thoughts that are plaguing his mind without having Louis by his side. It’s not that he can’t function without Louis, he’s learning that he really can, but he doesn’t want to. With each mile traveling farther away from Louis, the more filled with dread he feels.

He turns on his Ed Sheeran playlist. He hits the shuffle button and the first song to come on is Kiss Me. Harry is immediately engulfed in the lyrics. He realizes that every word in this song speaks to him and about his relationship with Louis. The thought scares him. _This feels like falling in love, we’re falling in love._ Harry keeps this song on repeat for the rest of the train ride to Holmes Chapel. 

Harry’s sister is there waiting for him at the train station. Harry runs to his sister and wraps her in a bear hug. He really has missed her. She’s changed her hair color since the last time that he saw her. It’s more of a dirty blond compared to her usual dark brown. 

“Hi, baby brother.” Gemma greets once they part. 

“Hi, Gems.” Harry says with a wide smile. 

She gives him a once over, taking in his appearance. “You look good. I can’t really place what it is but you look different. It’s a good thing, though.” 

What’s changed is that he looks happy, because he is. He doesn’t say that out loud though. “Must be getting more sleep.” 

Gemma snorts. “Yeah, that must be it.” 

They walk to Gemma’s car and drive the short distance to his childhood home. He doesn’t really like being back in this home because it is where all of the bad memories with his father took place. He can feel his anxiety grow with each breath. Gemma finally pulls into the driveway of his mother’s home. 

Both Harry and Gemma get out of the car. “You go on, Gems. I have to make a phone call really quick.” 

“If you say so.” Gemma responds and opens the front door. She closes the glass door but leaves the front door open for him to come in when he’s finished.

Harry presses on Louis’ contact and calls his number. Louis picks up on the third ring. “Hi, baby.” Louis’ voice sounds like velvet on the other line. 

“Lou.” Harry breaths out. It is the first fresh breath that he’s taken in several minutes. All of his anxiety starts to leave his body just by hearing Louis’ voice. 

“How was the train ride? I take it you made it there safely?” 

“The train ride was alright. I’m outside of home right now. Figured I would call you first before I go into the house and mum pesters me with questions.” 

Louis chuckles on the other line. “Well I’m glad you made it safely. I miss you already.” 

Harry smiles to himself. “I miss you too, Lou. You have no idea.” 

“Well, I should let you go so you can go catch up with your family.” 

“Okay… I’ll call you tonight?” 

“I look forward to it. Bye, baby.” 

“Bye, Lou.”

Harry hangs up the phone and walks the short distance to the front door. His mum is waiting for him near the front door. She pulls Harry into a bone crushing hug. 

“My baby boy.” Anne coos into Harry’s curls. “I’ve missed you so much.” 

“I’ve missed you too, mum.” 

Anne finally lets him go and ushers him into the kitchen. Gemma is already sitting at the table and there is tea waiting for him. Harry sits down in the seat next to Gemma. Anne sits in the seat directly across the table from him. 

“So how are you doing, sweetie?” Anne asks, taking a sip of her tea.

“I’m good, really good actually.” Harry answers honestly. He fills his family in on his life aside from the aspects which include his sexuality. He quickly realizes that he doesn’t have much to talk about since he can’t reveal that he has a boyfriend. Louis is such a large part of his life that he can’t tell his family yet. He fills them in about school and all of the other safe topics he can think of. 

Gemma fills him in on her life as well. She discloses that she has a boyfriend now. She says his name is Michal and that they’ve been dating for a little over six months. It dawns on Harry then that he hasn’t been home in so long nor has he spoken on the phone with either of them as much as he should be. The realization makes Harry sad. He should be more involved with his family’s lives. 

Anne makes them dinner. She makes her famous pot roast and potatoes which is Harry’s favorite. Sitting at the table with his mum and sister makes him feel like he’s a child again. For the first time, that doesn’t make him feel anxious or upset. There are so many bad memories in this house but he always seems to forget that there are good ones too. His mum and sister are such a comforting presence in his life. 

“Honey.” Anne looks to Harry. 

Harry looks up from his food. “Hmm?” 

“Did you meet any girls this semester that caught your eye?”

Harry’s body tenses. “No, mum.. I’m really trying to focus on my studies.”

“You need to start putting yourself out there, love. You would make a girl so, so happy. I know it.”

Harry wants to scream it from the rooftops that he’s gay but he can’t. No matter how much he wants to, the words don’t come out. Even if they are on the tip of his tongue, he can’t find the courage to say them. Two simple words: _I’m gay._

Instead of saying what he truly wants to he says what he has to in that moment. “Yeah, I’ll think about it mum.” His voice is quiet. The words taste like acid, nearly making him vomit. 

“I’m just saying, Harry. You’ve never brought a girl home for me to meet. And more importantly, I just want you to be happy.”

“I am happy.” Harry answers automatically. He is happy. With Louis. He never thought those words would roll off his tongue so easily. He’s happy. 

“I’m glad to hear it. That’s all I want. For both of my babies.” Anne places her hands on top of each of her children’s hands. “I’m so happy to have you both home. At the same time.”

Gemma smiles. “Happy to be home.” 

“Glad to be back with my two favorite women.” Harry responds with a genuine smile on his face. He’s just glad to not be talking about his dating life anymore. 

Harry helps his mum with the dishes and then quickly excuses himself to his bedroom. He told his mother that he was tired from the train ride. It wasn’t a complete lie but in reality he really needed to call Louis. He needed to hear his voice. He closes his door and strips out of his clothes until he’s only in his boxers. He lays down on his childhood bed. He grabs his phone off of his nightstand and presses Louis’ contact. 

Louis answers on the second ring. “Baby.” He greets happily. 

“Hi, Lou. It’s so good to hear your voice.” 

“It’s good to hear yours, too.” 

“I miss our bed.” Harry says so easily. It’s not technically his bed but it’s the bed he spends the most time in. 

“I miss you being in our bed. It’s huge without you in it.” Louis is quiet for a moment. “So, how was spending the day with your family?” 

Harry tells Louis all about his day. He tells him how good it feels to be back with the two of them. He tells him that he doesn’t really like being back in the house but he has fond memories as well as well. He tiptoes around the conversation at dinner.

“I feel like you’re holding something back. Talk to me, H. What’s going on?” 

Harry sighs loudly into the phone. “Mum was pestering me about bringing a girl home and dating and everything.” 

“Oh no, baby.” Louis says. Harry swears he can hear the frown that has formed on his boyfriend’s face. 

“I just wish I could tell them, you know?” Harry takes a deep breath. “I know I’m not ready to tell them yet. I just wish I were stronger.” 

Louis sighs on the other line. “Harry… You are strong, baby. So fucking strong. Not being ready to tell your family that you’re gay is not a sign of weakness. You’re already out to Liam and Niall. You told them and I’m so proud of you for that. You’re amazing, Harry… Like, fuck.” He pauses to laugh in amazement. “You don’t know how far you’ve come since the first time I saw you. You were so timid and your eyes were full of sadness. You hadn’t told a single soul you were gay. Now, I never catch you without a smile anymore. You haven’t cut in months. _Months_, Harry. You may think you’re not strong or not making enough progress but I see the little things that you don’t. You’re the strongest person I’ve ever met.”

Harry has tears streaming down his face by the time Louis has finished talking. “Thank you… For saying that, I mean. I really needed to hear that.” He wipes away more tears that fall from his eyes. “You always know just what to say.” 

“Someone has to get you out of that beautiful head of yours. I’m just happy that someone gets to be me.” 

Harry smiles against his phone for several seconds. “So what did you do today?” He asks, changing the subject.

Louis chuckles through the phone. “I’ve hung out naked on the couch watching the Office all day. So it’s been an eventful day.”

Harry laughs a little too loudly for supposedly going to sleep. “I’m definitely missing out, then.” 

“You’re just upset you’re missing the beautiful image of me naked on the couch.” 

“That’s a normal day at your place.” Harry giggles.

“Our place.” Louis corrects.

Harry smiles widely. “Yeah… Our place.” 

Chatter between them gets more quiet with each minute that passes. Exhaustion is taking over their bodies. Both men continue to make the other yawn. Harry wants to keep talking to his boyfriend but it’s beginning to be a difficult task to keep his eyes open.

Harry hears Louis’ breathing steady in sleep on the other line. He can’t get himself to hang up the phone. It’s so comforting to hear his boyfriend’s barely there snores. It’s almost like he’s there with him on the other side of the bed. He closes his eyes and imagines himself laying next to Louis and feeling his warmth next to him. Only one more night’s sleep until he’s back to his happy place. 

“Lou?” Harry whispers on the other line. He doesn’t get a response. It is only then that he allows himself to whisper what’s been on his mind all day long. “I love you, Louis.” 

Harry wakes up the next morning cold and alone in his bed. He had a very restless night of sleep. He didn’t realize how hard it would be to sleep on his own when he’s been sleeping next to Louis every night for months. 

Harry gets out of bed and goes to the bathroom to take a quick shower. When he’s finished, he dresses and goes to the kitchen. His mother is sitting at the table. She is drinking tea and scribbling words onto her notepad. 

“Good morning, mum.” Harry greets. 

Anne looks up from her notepad and smiles. “Good morning, love. Sleep well?”

“Yes.” Harry lies. 

“Good. I’m just about to head out to the market. I’m sure it’ll be busy since it’s a Saturday morning. I should really get going.” Anne stands up from her chair and glances at the clock.

“Let me go, mum.” Harry suggests. It would be nice to get out of this house for awhile. He would also like to explore his hometown a little and see what has changed. 

“Sure, honey. That would be lovely. Thank you.”

“No problem.” Harry bends down to kiss his mother on the cheek and takes the grocery list from her. 

“Love you, sweetie.” 

Harry smiles at his mother. “Love you too, mum.”

Harry goes to the bakery he worked in as a teenager first. He orders his favorite pastry and catches up with the sweet older ladies that he used to work with. He learns all about their new grandchildren and is genuinely excited to see pictures. He hadn’t realized how much he missed the bakery and the ladies but he had. There are some aspects about Holmes Chapel that he misses, believe it or not. 

He goes to the market next. His mum was right, it is packed. He hasn’t been to the market in Holmes Chapel in such a long time so it takes him much longer than usual to find what he’s looking for. He walks to the pastry aisle to get something for his mum.

“Harry?” He hears a voice ask in confusion besides him. He looks to see who has said his name. The voice comes from a boy that he used to know that has now became a man.

“Aiden?” Harry asks, his hands starting to shake.

“I didn’t know you came back to Holmes Chapel.” Aiden says with a small smile.

Harry allows himself to properly take in Aiden’s appearance. His face still resembles that boyish charm that Harry had a crush on all of those years ago. He now has a beard and has filled out his clothes more in muscle. Harry can objectively say that time has been good to him.

“Only for the weekend. Visiting my mum.” Harry clearly his throat awkwardly. “When did you move back?”

“A few months ago, actually. With my husband.” Aiden flashes his left hand and shows off his wedding ring. 

Harry smiles a completely genuine smile. “Aiden, that’s amazing. How long have you two been together?”

Aiden reciprocates his smile. “We started dating my first year of uni. We got married last spring.” 

“I’m so happy for you, truly.” 

“Thank you, Harry. I can’t tell you how much that means.” Aiden adjusts the items in his arms. “How have you been?” 

“I’ve been good. I’m going to school in London. I start my last few months on Monday. I, uh, just moved in with my boyfriend, Louis.” Harry doesn’t know why he felt the need to tell Aiden about Louis. He felt like it needed to be said. Maybe it’s therapeutic because of the shit that they’ve been through together or the fact that he just needed to tell someone, anyone in Holmes Chapel. He’s surprised how easily the words flowed out of him.

Aiden’s smile grows on his face. “I’m really happy to hear that, you have no idea.” Aiden moves around uncomfortably. “I’ve thought about you a lot.. Like with what happened with your dad and everything.. I’m glad that you’re doing alright and happy.”

Harry’s heart stops at the mention of his dad. He should have known he would have come up in conversation with what he and Aiden have been through together. “Yeah.. Yeah, you too.” 

Aiden looks at the entrance of the store. “Listen, I’ve got to get going… Hubby is waiting for me in the car.” Aiden cups a reassuring hand on Harry’s arm. “Keep in touch, yeah? I’d love to hear more about this Louis of yours.” 

“Yeah, for sure. Bye, Aiden.”

Aiden gives him one last look before walking away. “Bye, Harry.” 

Harry does the rest of his shopping but finds himself in such a weird mood. Part of him feels like a weight has been lifted off of his shoulders. He’s finally gotten closure with Aiden. He knows that he’s alright and that what happened that night didn’t permanently fuck up his life. The other part of him can’t shake the thoughts plaguing his mind about his father. There’s so much about him that he still is completely in the dark about. He needs to get answers whether he wants to hear them or not. 

Harry walks back to his mum’s house with several bags of groceries. The house is quiet when he finally walks through the front door. He carries the groceries into the kitchen and begins unpacking them into the fridge. His mum walks into the kitchen halfway through his unloading. 

“Took you awhile to get groceries. Everything go alright?” 

“Yeah, I stopped at the bakery and caught up with everyone. I also ran into… an old friend.” Harry decides to call Aiden. 

“I do hope those ladies are doing alright. I try to come in as often as possible but I’ve been so busy with work lately. Who did you run into?”

“Um.. I ran into Aiden.”

Anne’s eyes grow large in shock. “Did you? I didn’t realize he’s back in town. Which is peculiar because I normally hear all the gossip in town.” 

Harry hates that his mum is making light of the situation. She knows the trauma that Harry suffered from that night with Aiden. Even though she doesn’t know why, she knows that it happened. 

“Mum-.” Harry starts but is cut off.

“Would you like some lunch, dear? It’s just you and I for the afternoon. Your sister went out with a few friends to Costa to catch up.” 

Harry shakes his head and shuts the refrigerator door. “No, mum. I ate at the bakery.”

His mum looks unfazed. “Do you have any plans for the day?”

“No.. Mum… I want to talk about dad.”

Anne stares at her son for a few seconds as if she’s contemplating what she should do next. “What about him?” She moves around the kitchen. She’s cleaning a mess that isn’t even there.

“Mum!” Harry exclaims, slightly raising his voice. Anne stops what she is doing and looks at him again. “Can you please sit down? I really want to talk about this.”

Anne immediately heads to the kitchen table and sits down. “You’ve never wanted to talk about him before.” She points out. 

“I’m ready to talk about it now.” 

“Okay, sweetie.” Anne says carefully.

Harry sits down across from her. Worry lines have appeared on his mother’s face. “He tried to call me.. About two or so months ago.” 

Anne covers her mouth with her hands in surprise. “He _what?_” She asks, clearly taken aback. 

“I didn’t answer but I heard his voice. It was terrifying, mum.” Harry’s voice betrays him and quivers with emotion. 

“Oh, honey…” Anne says, eyes filling up with tears.

“He’s at Thorn Cross… He’s getting out soon, isn’t he?” 

Anne nods her head once and that’s all the confirmation that he needs. “I was going to tell you--” 

Harry cuts her off. “When?”

A choked noise escapes his mother’s lips. “The end of March.” 

Harry feels like he’s been punched in the gut. He’s struggling to take a deep breath. His father is finally getting out of prison. “Why--Why didn’t you tell me?” 

“Honey.. I was going to tell you but it didn’t seem like something to spring on you over the phone.”

“How did he get my phone number?” 

“I don’t know. Truly, I don’t. I would _never_ give him your number. After what he did--.” Tears start falling down her face. “I don’t want to see that man ever again in my whole life. He gave me you and Gems but that’s the only good thing that man has ever done in his life.”

“But you’re married to him.” 

Anne shakes her head in disagreement. “Not anymore. I filed for divorce the day that he went to prison. He only signed them last year. The last time that I saw him I made him promise on whatever God that he believes in to leave _my_ children alone.” She lets out a bitter, emotionless laugh. “Guess he’s the piece of shit I’ve always known him to be.”

“He’s going to come after me once he gets out. And you. And Gemma.” Harry says, voice full of panic. 

“Honey, it’s going to be okay. I promise.” 

“How can you know so sure?” Harry asks, forcing himself to be strong and to not cry.

Anne reaches across the table and wraps both of her hands around one of Harry’s. “I know I wasn’t there to save you when he did what he did… I will regret that day for the rest of my life. Knowing that was going on right under my nose makes me sick to my stomach to even think about it. That helpless feeling as a mother is.. Indescribable. But I will never let him lay a hand on my baby boy ever again.” 

“We live in different cities, mum. I’m all alone there. He could easily find me.” 

“Gemma and I are getting restraining orders from him. He can’t come within five hundred feet of us. Because you’re over the age of 18, I legally can’t file a restraining order on your behalf. You need to file for one. The sooner, the better. Please, sweetie. It’ll make your mum sleep so much better to know that you’re safe and he can’t legally get near you.” 

Harry abruptly stands from the kitchen table. “I’ll think about it… I need too--.” Harry tries to take a deep breath. “I need to take a nap and.. Process this.”

Anne’s frown grows on her face. “Okay sweetie. I’m sorry I don’t have better news. I wish he could rot in that prison cell for the rest of his life.” 

“Me too.” Harry turns to walk out of the kitchen. 

“I love you, Harry. More than life itself.” 

Harry looks back at his mother who is trying with all her might to keep herself together for her son. “I love you too, mum. This isn’t your fault… none of this is.” 

Harry walks out of the room before he witnesses his mum completely lose it. He can’t handle that right now. He can’t even process his own emotions right now. He rushes up the stairs to his bedroom. He shuts and locks the door. He lays on the bed and stares at the ceiling. He doesn’t know how long he stares blankly at the ceiling but he eventually falls into a restless sleep. 

*L*

Louis feels his phone vibrate on the other side of the couch on Saturday afternoon and rushes to answer it, thinking it is Harry. He frowns at his screen when he sees Ben Winston’s name. He contemplates not answering it but this is his superior so he feels like he has to.

“Hello?” Louis answers weakly. 

“Louis, hello.” 

“Can I help you?” Louis asks, slightly annoyed.

Ben chuckles which causes the small hairs on Louis’ neck to stick up. “Actually, yes. I’d like to take you out for a drink tonight.” 

Louis rolls his eyes. That sounds like the last thing he would want to do tonight. “Can I ask why?” 

“We’ve got things to discuss… Start of spring term and all that.” 

Louis sighs in defeat. He can’t really get out of this. “Okay. What time?”

“I’ll meet you at Wetherspoons at eight. Sound good?”

“Uh, yep. See you then.” Louis hangs up the phone before Ben can reply. He already knew his night was going to suck. He could think of a million other things he would rather be doing on a Saturday night and none include Ben Winston. 

Louis begrudgingly meets Ben at Wetherspoons at eight. Ben is waiting for him outside of the bar. Louis already knows this encounter is not going to be an enjoyable one. He can’t stand this man. This man fired his best friend. This man has had it out for him since the day he started working here. 

“Louis, hi.” Ben greets with the fakest smile on his face.

“Ben.” Louis responds, completely monotone. 

“How have you been? Have a good holiday?” Ben is making casual conversation like he doesn’t already know that Louis despises him. He is basking in Louis’ discomfort. 

“Peachy.” Louis replies shortly.

“Want anything? On me?” 

Louis knows that Ben doesn’t know about his alcoholism issues but the question still pisses him off because it’s coming from him. Ben’s smile is taunting him even though he has no idea of Louis’ struggle. It takes all Louis has not to tell him off. 

“No, I’m fine.” Louis says, mouth set in a tight line. 

“Suit yourself. I’ll take whatever you have on tap, please.” Ben tells the bartender.

Louis and Ben sit down at a free table and make small talk about their department and Ben’s plans for the spring term. Louis is trying his best to pay attention but with every word that Ben says, he tunes him out a little more. 

“So are you seeing anyone?” Ben asks, seeming to make casual conversation. His question is completely out of the blue. If Louis didn’t already know that Ben was a homophobic piece of shit, he would think that he was hitting on him. 

“That’s a little personal, don’t you think? I don’t ask you about your love life.” Louis says, clearly annoyed. 

“You know I have a _wife._ You’ve met her on several occasions.” Ben makes sure to put emphasis on wife, as in he’s emphasizing the fact that he’s with a woman.

“Yeah, another reason for me _not_ to ask you.” 

Ben smiles but it looks more like a snarl. “It’s just a simple question.” 

Louis flashes him an annoyed look. “Fine. If you must know, I have a _boyfriend._” Louis makes sure to emphasize boyfriend to show that he’s, in fact, romantic with a man. 

Ben flashes him a wicked smile. “Thought so, which reminds me… On behalf of the Literature Department, we’re going to have to let you go from this university.” 

Louis looks at the other man, baffled. “You can’t fire me for being gay.”

“No, sadly I can’t. I can fire you for fucking a student though.” 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Ben ignores what he says altogether.

“Honestly, sleeping with a student is awful enough but sleeping with a male student is just despicable.” 

“Again, I don’t know what you’re talking about.” It hurts Louis to act like he’s not dating Harry but he has to in order to preserve his job. 

“I heard you in your office a few weeks ago.” Ben spits out like it’s the most putrid thing to ever happen. “Harry, was it?” Ben’s face turns into a sneer when Louis looks taken aback. 

“If you’ve known about it for weeks then why are you just now saying something? You fired Zayn within days of finding out about him.” 

“I was being generous.” Louis wants to laugh at that statement. As if Ben Winston has ever been nice about anything. “I was allowing you to finish out your semester. Besides, no one has come forward with allegations of you sleeping with them. It wouldn’t be the university’s problem.” 

“So you’re firing me then?” 

“I have to run it by the rest of the deans once school is back in session. I’m sure they will agree with me that someone like you shouldn’t be working at the university.”

“Someone like me?” Louis spits out. “There’s not a damn thing wrong with being a gay man. I’m an excellent professor. You’re just a bigoted, homophobic asshole.”

Ben looks unfazed. He tuts disapprovingly. “You know, I had to look up this ‘Harry’ and might I just say that he doesn’t seem like much.” Louis’ hands start to clench into fists in anger. “He’s a good student but seems quite.. damaged. Of all students you could have slept with, why fuck a man that’s been to the loony bin—“ 

Louis doesn’t allow Ben to continue but instead punches him right in the nose. He is surprised at himself for doing something so impulsive but he will never let anybody ever say one terrible word about his boy. 

“Don’t fucking say another word about him.” Louis looks down at Ben who is now on the floor. The punch knocked him out of his chair. His nose is gushing blood. 

“If there was any doubt before about you getting fired, there’s none now. You’re finished at this university. You understand me, fag?” 

Louis can’t help himself, he lowers himself to the ground and continuously slams his fist against Ben’s face. He doesn’t know what’s come over him. He can’t stop. Someone finally pulls him off of Ben. Everybody at the bar is staring at him. Ben lays barely conscious on the ground. Louis doesn’t know what else to do except run out of the pub. 

He exits the bar and runs to the closest liquor store. He knows that he shouldn’t. He really does but Harry isn’t there with him and there’s no possibility of him keeping his job after what he’s just done. 

With his last shred of rationality, he takes his phone out of his pocket and calls Harry. He’s standing outside of the liquor store and trying to keep his tears in. He continually mutters “Pick up, pick up, pick up” into his phone that continues to ring. Harry’s voicemail finally plays and Louis can’t take it anymore. He hangs up the phone and thrusts it in his back pocket. He walks into the liquor store and buys all of the whiskey that the cash in his wallet can buy him. 

Louis rushes home. He can’t wait to take a drink until he gets home so he opens one of the bottles of whiskey in a back alley and chugs as much is his throat will allow him. The burn of the whiskey feels so good rolling down his throat. Harry is going to be so disappointed when he comes home to the flat tomorrow. He’s going to know that Louis was a pathetic piece of shit that he’s always been. 

Louis hates that this is how he’s coping with the loss of his job. He was doing so well to not go down this road again. He just lost his passion. He just lost the one thing that he enjoyed doing with his life. Once other universities find out about the reasoning for his termination, he will be finished. No university is going to want to hire him. His life as a professor is finished. 

Louis takes another gulp from the bottle of whiskey. He stumbles to the ground in the middle of the deserted alley. He takes out his phone and with shaky hands calls Harry again. 

“Baby, please pick up.. Please.” Louis pleads against his phone. 

Harry’s voicemail plays in Louis’ ear once more. His heart is breaking right now. He needs his boyfriend. Harry is the only thing in the world that will keep him from going down this dark path. He’s the only thing that will keep him from drinking himself into oblivion. 

Louis sits in this alley for a long time. He doesn’t leave it until the bottle of whiskey is empty. He hasn’t felt this drunk in such a long time. He wasn’t this drunk when he drank with Zayn over a month ago. He doesn’t even think that he was this drunk when he went on a bender after he and Harry had sex for the first time. 

Louis tries to call Harry several more times but yielding the same result. He doesn’t know when he started crying but there are tears wetting his face when he puts his face in his hands. He’s belligerently drunk. His mind is completely fuzzy and the world is blinking in and out. 

Louis opens the second bottle of whiskey on his walk home. He stumbles through the streets. He doesn’t really know how he got home. It’s like he blinked and he is now standing at his front door. His memory of the last few hours is spotty. Memory loss is something that Louis doesn’t normally gets when he’s drunk but he also drank a lot in a short amount of time and on an empty stomach. 

Louis struggles to get the door open. He’s probably messing with the front door for over five minutes. He doesn’t think this is good. He’s too drunk right now. He’s scaring himself with the portions of his night that he doesn’t remember. He truly doesn’t know how he got home. He’s scared so he tries Harry’s phone again. There’s no answer. 

Louis starts crying violently. He doesn’t have a job anymore and he doesn’t have Harry here with him right now. He doesn’t know what’s come over him but he’s filled with such rage. He grabs the closest thing that he can find and chucks it across the room. That felt really good to him. It felt good to take out his anger on something, anything. He takes another gulp from his bottle and throws another object across the room. 

It becomes a pattern of throwing something and taking a drink of alcohol. This pattern continues until he runs out of things to throw and he can no longer stand up. He doesn’t know how he ended up in the kitchen. He doesn’t remember walking in here. His head slumps against a cabinet. His sits there for awhile. He doesn’t know how long. He doesn’t have a clue of how fast or slow time is moving right now. He doesn’t have a clue of anything right now. 

Louis’ entire body is numb. He can’t feel a damn thing. He knows that isn’t a good sign. He looks at his hands and sees that they are moving but he can’t feel them moving. It also looks like he has four sets of hands which he knows isn’t a good sign either. He fights through it, though, because drinking is the one thing that hasn’t let him down before. It is the one thing his body is good at. He reaches over to the bottle of whiskey. His hand is so numb that he can’t hold up the glass and it falls to the ground next to him. The alcohol seeps out of the open bottle and all Louis can do is watch it happen. His body isn’t working properly.

His body slides down onto the floor and he hits his head on the ground. He doesn’t feel any of the pain that he should be feeling. He wanted to stop his body from moving without his permission but he physically can’t. He can’t do anything but stare blankly at the ceiling. 

He hears his phone ring in his back pocket. He wants to answer it but his body won’t let him. He’s paralyzed from the alcohol. He’s never been this drunk before. He’s never been so drunk that he can’t move. His phone ringing again is the last thing he remembers before everything goes dark. 

*H*

Harry woke up in the middle of the night on Saturday to see several missed calls from Louis. It is one in the morning. Louis didn’t send any text messages which was unlike him. This immediately worries Harry. He doesn’t know why he felt like something was wrong but he could feel it in his heart. He presses on Louis’ contact and calls his number. It rings and eventually goes to voicemail. Louis always picks up no matter what time of night it is. Something is wrong. 

Harry gets out of bed and quickly packs his bags. He orders a train ticket online that leaves in 30 minutes. He walks into Gemma’s room and thankfully she is still awake. 

“Well, hello baby brother.” His sister says with a smile. 

“Hi, Gems.” 

“What are you doing up so late?”

“I could be asking you the same thing… I actually need a favor.” 

Gemma looks at him curiously. “Oh, yeah? Like what?”

“I, uh, need you to drive me to the train station.” 

She gives Harry a puzzled look. “Why?” 

“I just, uh… I think my.. Friend is in trouble.”

“He must be a pretty special friend if you’re willing to get on a train in the middle of the night to check on him.”

“He, uh.. He is.” Harry looks at the ground. “He’s my best friend.” 

Worry etches on Gemma’s face. “Is Liam alright?”

Harry shakes his head. “It’s not Liam.. His name is Louis. He’s a new friend.” 

Gemma gets up from bed and grabs her keys. She searches her room for a pair of shoes and slides them on. “Well tell me about this Louis in the car, alright? You should send mum a text so she doesn’t worry about you.” 

“I will when I get on the train.” Harry reassures. 

Harry follows his sister to her car. She starts the car quickly and backs out of the driveway. “So how did you meet him?” 

“In class. I had two classes with him this semester.” Harry wasn’t lying. He did have two classes with Louis. He only leaves out the detail that Louis was the one teaching the classes. 

“And now he’s your best friend? Just like that?” Gemma asks curiously.

“Just like that.” Harry confirms. “I still have Liam and Niall, obviously. And I love them both to bits but Louis is the only person that gets me. Like truly. When I talk to him, I know there’s never going to be a shred of judgment.. He’s like.. My person, ya know?” He doesn’t know why he’s telling his sister all of this. He also doesn’t know why the words are pouring out of him so easily. 

Gemma glances at him like can read between the words that Harry is saying. She’s looking at him like she knows what Louis is to him. “What do you think is wrong?” She asks instead. She doesn’t ask if Louis is more than a friend and Harry is grateful for that. 

“I don’t know exactly… Something just feels.. Off. I don’t know what it is but I know something isn’t right.” Harry responds, anxiety growing throughout his entire body. 

“I’m sure everything is going to be okay, baby brother.” Gemma glances over to him again. “I’m sure your… _Louis_ is okay. Or if he’s not, he’s going to be. He’s lucky to have you. Lucky to have such a good friend, I mean.”

Gemma pulls into the train station and parks the car. “Thank you.” Harry tells her honestly. 

Gemma reaches over to the passenger seat and gives her brother a hug. They seperate and Harry opens his door. There is an unspoken look in Gemma’s eyes that they need to discuss this topic more, just at a later time. 

Harry nods in her direction. “Thank you, Gems. I love you.” 

“I love you too, baby brother.” Gemma exhales a shaky breath. “Let me know you’ve made it there safely, yeah?” 

“Yeah.” Harry murmurs as he shuts the door. He watches his sister drive away into the night. 

**To Mum: I have to go back to London. There’s an emergency with a friend but it’s under control. No need to worry, I promise. I’m sorry I couldn’t give you a proper goodbye but I didn’t want to wake you. I’ll call you soon. Love you xx**

Harry sends his mother a text about halfway through the train ride. He continues to call Louis but is still getting no answer. Harry is freaking out at this point. Louis would answer. Even if he’s asleep, he would have woken up with the amount of times Harry has called. He would never have Harry worry this much if everything was okay. Harry is expecting the worst. 

Harry rushes off of the train the second that stops. Normally, he would walk or take public transportation but he doesn’t have the time to do that. He calls an Uber with the last of his money in his bank account. 

The ride to Louis’ flat is agonizing. Harry tries Louis’ phone again and again. Louis is still not answering. The drive there seems to take forever. Harry practically jumps out of the vehicle when the driver stops the car. 

Harry sprints to the building of Louis’ flat. His heart starts beating really fast when he sees that Louis’ front door isn’t closed all of the way. He lets himself in. The flat is a complete wreck. Harry’s immediate thought is that Louis was robbed. “Louis?” Harry yells into the apparent empty flat. He catches a whiff of alcohol and his heart drops. He rushes into their bedroom to find it empty. He checks the bathroom to no avail. He continues his search. The last room that Harry checks is the kitchen.

Harry’s entire world stops when he sees Louis lying unconscious on the floor. If it wasn’t for the very labored breathing and the small rise and fall of his chest, Harry would think that he was dead. He rushes to his boyfriend’s side. 

“Lou.. _Baby._” Harry sobs. “You gotta wake up. _Please._” Louis is unresponsive. There is a spilled bottle of alcohol next to Louis. Harry doesn’t want to know how much he’s drank. He doesn’t need to know. All he needs right now is for Louis to wake up and be okay. 

Harry gently lifts up Louis’ limp head and rests it on his lap. Louis is burning up. Harry pulls out his phone. His heart lunges when he sees his background. It is the picture of Louis from the zoo where he is feeding the giraffe. He looks so happy. How could things turn out this bad? 

Harry dials 911 with trembling hands. “I need an ambulance.” Harry sobs to the emergency operator. “My boyfriend is unconscious. I think it’s alcohol poisoning. I just got home. _Please hurry._” The operator asks for the address and Harry gives it to her. She asks him to repeat it several times because she is having a hard time understanding him in between his sobs. She informs him that help is on the way. 

Harry doesn’t know what to do. He has to do something. He can’t just sit here with his boyfriend unconscious on his lap. Harry opens Louis’ mouth and sticks his fingers down his throat. He figures that if he could get Louis to throw up some of the alcohol, it would better his chances of surviving this. He turns Louis on his side and lets him vomit the contents of his stomach onto the kitchen floor. Louis still does not stir. 

Harry keeps Louis’ head propped up in his lap and is petting his hair while crying into the silent room. His breathing is rapid and he constantly has to gasp for air. It is a complete contrast to Louis. Harry has to continually check to see that his boyfriend is still breathing. 

Louis still doesn’t stir but little unintelligible sounds are escaping his lips. “Harry?” Louis mumbles, barely audible. 

“Yes, Lou. It’s me. It’s me, baby.” Harry responds frantically. 

Louis’ eyes roll to the back of his head and he passes out again. Harry cradles his head in his lap and plants kisses on his hair. “You have to stay with me, Lou. You can’t leave me.” He sobs into Louis’ hair. “I love you. _I love you._” 

Harry hears sirens outside of the building. Help has finally arrived and Harry starts crying even more because of it. There’s a chance that his boyfriend will be okay. Harry continues to pray and plead with whatever god there is in this world to save his boyfriend. 

The paramedics rush through the front door. They pull Harry away from Louis so that they can access the damage Louis has inflicted on himself. Harry curls himself into a corner and wraps his arms around his legs to make himself feel small, protected. 

There are three paramedics in the flat right now. Two of them are helping Louis and the third is walking towards Harry. “Can you tell me what happened here?” The man asks gently. He extends a hand for Harry to take so he can get on his feet. Harry only takes it because he doesn’t know if he can get up on his own. 

“I was out of town and just got home. I found him like this.” Harry says softly, willing himself to stop crying so he can tell the man what he needs to know.

“What’s his name and birthdate?” 

“Louis Tomlinson. His birthday is the 24th of December… He, uh, just celebrated his 26th birthday.” 

“Does Louis have a history of alcohol abuse?”

“Yes.” Harry practically whispers. The word takes like poison leaving his mouth. “But he would never do this on purpose. He’s been doing really well with his recovery… I just wasn’t here.” The words that he has just spoken completely break him. “I wasn’t here.” He whispers in shame. 

“Well, we’re going to take really good care of Louis. I promise you, sir.” He glances at his coworkers to see what is going on. “You’ll be able to meet us at the hospital.”  
Harry stares at the man in confusion. “But.. I’m coming with him. He needs someone there to hold his hand.”

“You can’t go with him.” The paramedic informs him. 

“But he’s my boyfriend.” Harry pleads. 

“You aren’t his family or next of kin.” 

“He _is_ my family. I’m all he has. _Please._” Harry begs, tears streaming down his face. 

“He’s crashing. We need to leave now!” One of the paramedics that is at Louis’ side yells. 

Harry’s entire body is paralyzed with fear. If Louis is crashing that means he doesn’t have a pulse or is not breathing. He’s dying. The other paramedic springs into action and helps the two who are next to Louis right now. 

The two male paramedics are strapping Louis onto the gurney while the female is giving Louis CPR. The woman gets on top of the gurney while giving Louis mouth to mouth. The two men unlock the gurney and roll it down, out of the kitchen.

“Please!” Harry screams as they roll Louis down the hallway. He drops to the floor in agony. “He can’t be alone. _Please!_” He begs even after they are gone. 

Harry curls up into a ball on the floor and sobs. He doesn’t know if Louis is okay. His entire world was just taken from him. His body shakes violently from crying so much. He can’t get his breathing under control. He’s hyperventilating on the floor by the door. He needs Louis to be okay. He needs his world to be alive. 

That little voice in his head starts speaking to him. He hasn’t heard that evil voice in months. The voice is begging him to take his pain away. It’s begging him to cut himself to allow himself to breath again. He’s battled with this voice for so many years. He doesn’t have the willpower to say no to this voice right now. He needs to breath. 

His body works faster than his mind does. He’s on his feet and walking out of Louis’ flat before he knows what he’s doing. It’s like he’s a mindless zombie as he walks to his own flat. His mind is completely blank. The walk to his flat is eerily quiet; both the streets and his head are silent. 

Harry unlocks the door to his flat. The place is dark and uninhabited. No one is home. He walks to his room. He stops himself before he opens the door. He knows when he walks into the room, he’ll do what he came here to do.

Harry doesn’t have to do this. He doesn’t have to cut. The voice in his bed starts pestering him again. He _does_ have to cut. It’s Harry’s fault that Louis drank so much. He wasn’t there for his boyfriend when he needed him the most. Louis had called him countless times and Harry _didn’t answer_. If Harry would have answered one of those calls, everything would be okay right now. Harry would be sleeping next to Louis in their bed. Louis would be safe. Louis wouldn’t be in the hospital or dead, for all Harry knows. 

Harry turns the doorknob and walks in. The room is dark except for the moonlight creeping in. It’s like he’s on autopilot. He sits down on the floor next to his bed and pulls out the little box full of things Harry could use to harm himself. He opens the box and picks up a box cutter. The box cutter always did more damage and he needed to feel pain. He needed to feel as much pain as humanly possible. He wanted to feel all of the pain that he caused Louis and then some. 

Instead of cutting himself horizontally like he normally does, he cuts vertically. He deserves to feel every ounce of pain. Louis felt so much pain and Harry wasn’t there for him. Harry slides the blade across his skin. The blade cuts into all of the other scares that Harry already had. It’s like this cut was superior to all of the others. This was the worst thing that has ever happened to Harry. Being beaten countless times by his father, closeting himself, hating himself was all child’s play to seeing the love of his life lay unconscious on the floor because he wasn’t there for him. 

The blade hurt more sliding across his skin this way but Harry knows that he deserves to feel it. His skin was seeping blood at a much more alarming rate than he is used to. The amount of blood was alarming. His pants are soaked with blood and a pile was beginning to form on the floor. 

Another voice speaks in his head. It tells him that Louis might not be dead. If he’s not dead then he will wake up and wonder where Harry is. He can’t leave Louis behind. Harry very well may be dying right now. In the past, he welcomed death; he waited for it, even. Right now, he doesn’t want death, not if Louis is alive. Louis would never forgive him for taking his own life. Harry didn’t want to leave Louis alone on this earth to blame himself for his death. 

With the hand that is not gushing blood, he searches for his phone. He could already feel himself getting light headed from the blood loss. His phone is in his back pocket. He struggles to dial 911. His vision is blurry and out of focus. He knows that this isn’t a good sign. He forces himself to try harder and eventually, he types the right numbers into his phone.

“I need an ambulance.” Harry says into the phone. He’s so out of it that it doesn’t even sound like himself speaking. “It’s an emergency. Please. I’m losing a lot of blood. It’s self inflicted.” He struggles to breathe. “I don’t want to die.” He whispers. 

The woman urgently asks for his address for which it takes him several tries to say. His mind is beginning to move slowly. He can’t think straight. His body is barely letting him move his lips anymore. His body is shutting down. This is the end for him, he can feel it. 

Harry closes his eyes and slowly feels the life leaving him. He didn’t call the ambulance in time. He’s going to die sitting on his bedroom floor all alone. He never got to really tell Louis he’s in love with him. He never got to see the sparkle in Louis’ eye before his eyes crinkle from smiling so widely. He never got to hear Louis say it back. Harry’s beginning to feel so cold. He’s shivering violently. He’s slipping in and out of consciousness. He thinks he hears a voice before everything goes black.


	9. Recovery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Louis wakes up in the hospital. He goes to visit Harry. Both men go through the steps to finally heal themselves.

*L*

Louis wakes up to the white walls of a hospital room. He feels like complete shit. His stomach feels like it’s been turned inside out and beaten with baseball bats. He looks around the room to take in his surroundings. Zayn is laying in the chair next to him. He is fast asleep.   
Louis starts to panic. Harry would be here. He knows he would be. No matter how pissed off he is at Louis, we would still be here holding his hand. Something had to be wrong. 

Louis tries to extend his hand to Zayn but is hindered by the needles in his arm. “Zayn.” Louis tries but his voice is too hoarse to hear much of anything. He clears his throat. “Zaynie.” He says much louder. 

Zayn stirs awake. At first he looks confused but then realizes that Louis is awake and speaking to him. “Louis, oh my god.” Zayn says with emotion laced between every word. He looks like he could cry. He wraps his arms around Louis.

“Where is Harry?” Louis asks. A choked sound leaves Zayn’s throat. “Where is Harry?” He demands.

Zayn lets go of Louis and sits back on the chair. He has a dreadful expression on his face. His bottom lip is quivering like he’s about to start crying. 

Louis starts crying. He’s thinking the absolute worst. “Where is he? Please just tell me, Zaynie.” Louis starts openly sobbing. “Is he… Is he—?” 

“No, Lou. He’s not.. dead.” Relief washes over Louis. Zayn’s expression does not lighten up. “He’s, uh, in a coma.” 

The words hit Louis like a ton of bricks. He’s crying so hard that he can’t breath. He begins to hyperventilate. “What..” he tries to take a deep breath but another sob comes out instead. “What happened?” 

“After the ambulance came to get you, you were unresponsive. They revived you there but they didn’t know if you were going to make it. The EMTs didn’t let Harry go in the ambulance with you.” Louis sobs into his hands. His heart breaks for his boyfriend. He must have felt so afraid. “He went back to his flat and, uh, slit his wrist.” A new wave of tears fall from Louis’ eyes. “He almost bled out but..” Zayn pauses to clear his throat. “He called for an ambulance right before he passed out from the blood loss.” 

“Take me to him.” Louis demands. He starts messing with the needles in his arms. The machines start beeping in protest when he yanks the IVs from his body.   
“Louis.” Zayn cautions. “You shouldn’t do that, man.” He places a hand on Louis’ arm which Louis yanks away. “They are trying to get you healthy again.” Louis ignores what his friend is saying and tries getting up from the hospital bed. Zayn places a hand more forcefully on Louis’ shoulder, successfully pushing him back onto the bed. “Louis, stop! You nearly fucking died.” 

Zayn’s words are sobering to Louis. He hadn’t really processed what happened to himself. He only cared about Harry, not himself. He truly almost drank himself to death. If Harry hadn’t have come home, he would have died. That’s why he owes everything to Harry. He keeps him alive. Louis failed him, completely and utterly failed him. Louis is the reason he cut himself so deep that he nearly died. He almost killed the thing in the world that he loves most. 

“I don’t care about me.” Louis admits softly. He finally allows Zayn to keep him down on the hospital bed. He doesn’t fight his friend anymore. 

“Clearly.” Zayn mutters. “You’re best friend, Louis. But you’re a fucking idiot, alright?” Zayn huffs out an emotionless laugh. “When I got the call from the hospital, they said that you were touch and go and I should get down here immediately. That entire drive here, I thought that I lost my best friend.” He sniffles. “I should have been there for you more. I knew you had a drinking problem.. Of course I knew.. I should have helped you more.” Zayn locks eyes with Louis. “I’m so sorry, mate. You have to believe me. I’m so sorry that I didn’t do more to help you. I know how lost you were when your mum died and I should have been a better friend, not a piece of shit enabler.” 

Louis reaches for Zayn’s hand and squeezes reassuringly. “This isn’t your fault. None of this is your fault. You’ve been the best friend you could have possibly been to me. You’re not responsible for my issues. I did this to myself.”

Zayn grabs him into a hug. It’s slightly painful for Louis since he’s still sore from having his stomach pumped but he doesn’t say anything. He just hugs his best friend back. “I’m so happy that you’re okay.”

The two men part from their hug and Zayn sits back down on the chair next to the hospital bed. “I’m sorry you had to go through that.” 

Two nurses walk into the hospital room. They look annoyed that he took out his IVs. If there was something actually wrong with Louis, he would have died for sure. They didn’t seem in a rush to come into his room and check on him.

“You need to keep your IVs in.” One of the nurses scolds. “They are replenishing your body with the nutrients that it’s lacking due to the alcohol.” She tries to touch Louis but he swats her away.

“I’m fine now, really.” He tries to get up from the bed and this time he is successful. He feels like shit but he’s okay enough to function outside of the hospital bed. “Can I please just go to my boyfriend’s room? I need to see him.” The two nurses look as though they are about to protest. “Please.” Louis begs desperately. 

The second nurse sighs in defeat. “Okay.” She grabs the needles anyway. “I’ll take you to his room but I need to put the IVs back in your arm. You’ll pass out from dehydration before you even make it to his room.”

“Deal.” Louis says and extends his arm for her to reinsert the needle. “Zayn can escort me to Harry’s room. Can’t you, Zaynie?” Louis asks hopefully. It’s not that he didn’t like his nurses. He just wanted to be with Harry alone and he knew Zayn would help him with that. He looks expectantly to the nurses.   
“I suppose that would be alright.” The first nurse replies. Louis nods to her thankfully. 

It takes several minutes to get the needles back into Louis’ arm and for the nurses to set up his portable IV. Once he and Zayn are out of his hospital room and walking to Harry, he decides to ask more questions. 

“Have you seen him?” 

“Yes.” Zayn replies shortly. 

“And?” Louis pesters.

“It’s going to be hard for you to see, mate.” Zayn exhales a deep breath. “He’s got a tube down his throat to help him breath.” Louis tries to mentally prepare himself for how Harry is going to look but he knows it will break his heart, regardless. “I’ve been alternating between your room and Harry’s. Liam hasn’t left Harry’s side. He feels responsible for not being back at the flat. Niall is there too. Julia hasn’t left Niall side which I found odd at first because I thought they had broken up but she seems to be good at comforting him so that’s all that matters.”

“Have any of you called his mum or sister?” 

Zayn shakes his head. “Liam is his emergency contact so they don’t know anything. Liam doesn’t know whether to call them or not so he was leaving the choice up to you since you’re his boyfriend.”

“How the hell would I know what’s best? I don’t know Anne or Gemma. I can’t just call them and explain I’m Harry’s boyfriend and then tell them that he’s in the hospital and in a coma.” Louis takes a deep breath. “Besides, Harry wouldn’t want his family to see him like this. It would break his heart.”

Zayn glances over at him. “Then I guess you’ve got your answer then.” He pauses. “This is why Li wanted you to decide.”

“What do you mean?”

“You always have his best interest at heart. You know him better than any of us.” 

Louis scoffs. “Not better than Liam.”

Zayn shakes his head. “You do. Liam thought he should call Anne but you know what Harry would want to do if he were the one making the decision.” 

“Did you call Lottie?” Louis wonders.

“Of course not.”

Louis looks over to his best friend and squeezes his shoulder gratefully. “Thank you.”

They turn the corner and Zayn stops in his tracks. “We’re here.” He has a grim expression on his face. “I’ll fetch the others so you can be alone with him..” 

Louis nods at him gratefully. Zayn retreats into Harry’s hospital room. Louis takes several deep breaths to keep from crying. He is about to see his Harry, the love of his life, bedridden and unresponsive in a coma. He doesn’t know if he can handle this. 

Zayn returns to him with Liam, Niall, and Julia. Liam and Niall’s eyes are both puffy from crying. Louis’ heart breaks for them. Harry is their best friend. This must be so hard on them as well. 

“Louis.” Niall says softly and engulfs him in a hug. Louis is so taken aback. From the few times he’s met Niall, he’s always been so loud and cheerful. He looks the complete opposite right now and it’s so unnerving to Louis. “You look good… Better, I mean.” Niall mutters and then clears his throat awkwardly. 

“Uh, yeah.. I feel a lot better.”

Liam starts crying again and hugs Louis. Louis holds the other man in his arms because it’s the only thing he can do. Liam quietly weeps in Louis’ neck. It takes everything in him to not cry as well. This is Harry’s best friend. Liam has known Harry for years. He has taken care of him and been there for him through everything. Louis can’t imagine how he’s feeling right now. 

“I’m so happy you’re okay, Louis.” Liam tells him once they’ve parted. “Haz is going to need you by his side when he wakes up.”

Louis doesn’t like the way they are treating him. He is the reason Harry is in this hospital bed. He’s the reason that Harry slit his wrist so deep that he almost bled out. They should be punching him in the face and screaming at him, not hugging and consoling him. 

“If he wakes up.” Niall reminds him grimmly. He then wipes a tear that falls from his eyes. Niall’s words cut deep into Louis. He has to focus on breathing evenly. He can’t afford to think like that.

Liam’s eyes narrow at Niall. “I told you to stop talking like that.” He snaps. “He’s going to wake up. You heard the doctors. They said that they are hopeful.”

Niall recoils with his hands up. “Okay, I’m sorry. I won’t say it again.” He is quiet for a moment. “We just need to prepare for.. For the worst.” 

Liam ignores him and touches his hand gently on Louis’ back. “You should see him now.” 

Louis nods his head, bracing himself. “Okay.” 

Liam opens the door for him but stays where he is. “I’ll let you be alone with him. We’ll be outside if you need us, alright?”

“Okay.” Louis repeats. He grabs his portable IV and walks into the room. 

The sight in front of him completely and utterly breaks his heart into a million different pieces. He has to hold onto his portable IV to keep from collapsing to the floor. Harry is laying in bed with a tube down his throat just like Zayn said. He is hooked up to several machines. 

“Baby.” Louis whispers, voice breaking. He walks over to Harry’s bed and sits down on the chair next to him. He places his hand on top of Harry’s. “I’m so sorry, baby. So fucking sorry.” A ragged sob escapes his lips. He lays his head down on top of their hands and just cries. 

Louis doesn’t know how long he lays there crying before someone comes into the room. Louis looks up to see who it is. It’s Zayn.

“Louis.” Zayn says softly. “It’s going to be okay. _He’s_ going to be okay. He’s going to wake up.”

“But how do you know?” Louis demands. More tears flow from his eyes. 

“Because this can’t be how yours and Harry’s story ends. I refuse to believe that.” Zayn says with conviction. “You two were made to make each other happy. I refuse to believe the world is so cruel to end your story before it’s even started.”

“What if he doesn’t wake up?” Louis asks, planting a kiss on top of Harry’s hand. 

“He will.” 

“There’s still a possibility that he won’t and it’ll be all _my_ fault. How will I live with that? How will I live without him?” 

“Louis… Man, you’ve got to stop thinking like that. You need to be strong for him. Harry would want you to be strong.”

Louis’ head snaps up and he stares at his friend. “Well Harry doesn’t want anything right now. Because he’s in a coma. Because of _me._” Louis lays his head back down against Harry. “Please just leave me alone right now. I need to stay with him, be with him. On my own.” 

“Okay, mate… We’re all outside if you need us. You don’t have to go through this alone. You have all of us who love you and love him.”

Louis doesn’t answer his friend and hears the door close behind him. “You can’t leave me, okay?” He whispers to Harry. He knows that he can’t hear him but he needs to say it anyway. “You can’t leave me alone on this earth. We’re meant to be together.. We have so much more life to live together. I will never touch a drop of alcohol again. I promise you on my life. If you wake up, I will never even think about alcohol ever again. It’ll be hard but my life with you is worth more than anything else in the world.” 

Louis lifts the hand that doesn’t have IVs in it and gently pets Harry’s hair. He knows how much Harry likes when he runs his fingers through his hair. “I love you, Harry. I love you so much that it hurts. I have so much more love to give you so you have to wake up, okay?” 

Louis lays here talking to Harry even though he can’t hear him for a long time. The door opens again and Louis is about to yell at whoever it is. He wants to be alone with his boyfriend. Why is that so hard to understand? Louis looks up and it’s a nurse. She looks surprised that someone else is in here. 

“You must be the boyfriend.” She points out. 

“I am.” 

“Lewis, right?” 

Louis feels his heart lunge into his throat. Harry always calls him that when he’s playfully annoyed with him. Louis wishes more than anything that he could hear Harry say that right now. 

“It’s Louis.” 

“Oh, my bad.” She walks over to Harry to check his vitals. She opens his eyes to check his pupils. She makes a noise of approval. “He looks good. He’s progressing really well. Better than the doctors had anticipated. He lost a lot of blood.”

Louis flinches at the last part. “So that’s a good thing? You mean he could wake up soon?” 

The nurse nods. “It’s a waiting game but the doctors are hopeful that he’ll wake up within the next 24 hours.” 

Louis lets out the first fresh breath since he woke up. “Oh, thank god.” 

“He’s lucky to have you.” She says with a smile.

Louis shakes his head. “No.. I’m lucky to have _him._”

Louis stays by Harry’s side. The other join him after a little while. Believe it or not, it’s more comforting with them around. At about nine, his nurses fetch him and take him back to his room. He is so reluctant to go but he has no choice. Zayn reassures him that he will come to him if there is any change. Louis falls into a very restless sleep.

Louis wakes up the next morning at 4:30 am. It is when the nurses wake up their patients in the morning and it is the time that his nurse said that he could go back to Harry. She also informs him that he’ll be allowed to be discharged today. 

Louis makes his way to Harry’s room and tells everyone to go back home and get some rest. Liam and Zayn looks absolutely exhausted. Liam makes him promise to call if there’s any change or if he starts to wake up. 

Louis sits down in the chair next to Harry and holds his hand like he did yesterday. He doses off but is woken up when he feels Harry’s hand twitch. Louis thinks he’s just imagined it. He stares intently at his boyfriend to search for more moment. Sure enough, his eyes start to flutter. It’s a fucking miracle that Louis will never stop making up for. 

*H*

Harry slowly opens his eyes. He’s groggy and unaware of where he is. He then realizes that there is something down his throat and he begins to panic. A hand rests comfortingly on his shoulder. He looks to see who it is. It’s Louis and he has tears running down his face. Harry thinks he must have died and this is heaven. Only heaven would have Louis in it. He doesn’t know if Louis even survived the trip to the hospital.

“Stop fighting it, baby. Relax.” Louis soothes, running his fingers through Harry’s hair. He turns away from him. “Nurse. Nurse!! He’s awake.” Harry sees several nurses rush into his hospital room. “Please take that tube out of his mouth. It’s giving him a panic attack.” Louis begs, continually petting his hair. 

Tears start to run down Harry’s face because he’s frightened and doesn’t know what is going on. He doesn’t know why or how he landed himself in the hospital. Was he in a car accident? His mind is too foggy and cloudy to connect the dots. 

“Shh, baby. Shh, it’s going to be okay.” Louis soothes, although he is crying as well. He wipes the tears falling from Harry’s eyes and continues to pet his hair.

Harry tries to calm down but he can’t He feels like he’s suffocating. The nurses mutter to each other and decide on something. They press something into Harry’s IV and everything goes black again. 

Harry wakes up a few hours later. This time, he doesn’t have the tube in his throat anymore. This throat is sore but that beats having a tube down it. He looks around the room to see Louis sleeping soundly in the chair next to him. Louis’ hand is over his own. 

Everything that happened a few days ago floods his mind. He’s in this hospital room because he tried to kill himself… only, not really. He tried to save his own life because he wanted to be with Louis. Now here he is, sleeping in the chair next to him, alive and well. Harry thanks god that Louis is still alive, still with him. He doesn’t know what he would have done if Louis hadn’t had made it. His whole world would have came crashing down. 

Harry wants Louis to catch up on his sleep but he also desperately wants to talk to him. “Lou?” Harry tries to say but gets caught in his throat. He really needs some water. He settles for moving his hand so he can hold Louis’ and squeezes tightly. 

Louis’ eyes flutter open and he stares at Harry with wide eyes. Neither say a word for about fifteen seconds. They just stare at the other in disbelief that the other is still with them. Harry feels tears well in his eyes. Louis’ eyes mirror his own. 

“Harry.” Louis finally whispers and jumps out of the chair. He grabs Harry gently and hugs him. Harry tries to hug him back but it is difficult with his arm being littered with needles. His other arm is hard to move for obvious reasons so he lets himself be hugged by Louis. He nuzzles his head into the nape of Louis’ neck as best as he can. Louis smells just like Louis minus the cigarette smoke. Harry is intoxicated by it. His whole world is back with him. They are both okay and safe. 

Louis finally lets him go and starts to move away. Harry stops him with a gentle hand on his. Louis sits on the edge of Harry’s hospital bed. “I’m so sorry, Harry.” 

Harry shakes his head. “Why are--.” He tries to speak again but can’t. Louis wordlessly hands him a glass of water on the bedside table. Harry guzzles the entire glass, grateful for the liquid running down his throat. “Why are you sorry?”

Louis’ hands take one of Harry’s. “I’m sure I scared you so much when you found me. I’m so sorry, baby. You’ve got to believe me.”

“Don’t.. Don’t apologize… Just tell me what happened.” 

Louis sighs loudly. “Ben fired me.”

His revelation knocks the wind out of Harry. Louis got fired and Harry wasn’t there to pick him up when he was feeling at his lowest. “It was because of me, wasn’t it?”  
Louis doesn’t react. “It doesn’t matter why, baby. It happened and now it’s over with. I don’t care about any of that right now. All I care about is you. You’re alive and with me and that’s all I’m ever going to care about from now on.” 

“But, Lou… Your job meant everything to you.” 

“You mean more.” Louis answers without hesitation. 

“I don’t-- I don’t understand..” 

Louis cuts him off by crashing his lips onto Harry’s. Harry closes his eyes and savers the kiss. There was a point those few days ago when he thought he was never going to be able to kiss these lips ever again. They kiss for a long time. Their lips move together languidly. Neither rush to make it something more and neither want to part. Louis is the one to finally break the kiss. He looks down fondly at Harry, contemplation evident on his face.

“I love you.” Louis whispers.

Harry’s face washes with relief to finally hear those words come out of Louis’ mouth. His lips perk up into a smile and it continues to grow until both of his dimples are showing. 

“I love you, too.” Harry whispers back. 

Louis’ reaction is just how Harry had always pictured it. His eyes sparkle brightly until his eyes crinkle from his wide smile. He bends back down and kisses his boyfriend. This time it is only a peck but neither seems to mind. They have all the time in the world to kiss each other. 

“I’ve been wanting to tell you that for so long.” Louis admits. 

“I told you once before.” Harry admits with a shy smile. Louis gives him a puzzled expression. “We were on the phone… You were asleep.” 

Louis lets out a giggle. It is music to Harry’s ears to finally hear Louis laugh again. “That doesn’t count.”

Harry giggles along with him. “It does to me.”

Louis continues to smile. “Fine then I told you yesterday.” 

Harry’s eyebrow perks in interest. “Oh yeah, what did I say?”

Louis gives him a dirty look but continues to play along. “Not much.” Harry starts laughing like a madman. He doesn’t know what’s come over him. “That was such a bad joke.”

“I know, I’m sorry. It must be all of the medications.”

“How are you feeling?” 

“Like I almost died.” Harry tries to throw up his hands in surrender when Louis shoots him another dirty look. “I’m sorry. That was really dark.”

Louis nods in agreement. “It was.” 

“I did almost die, though. So did you.”

Louis takes Harry’s hand and squeezes it reassuringly. “I know we almost did. But we didn’t. We’re here. We’re alive.”

“With each other.” 

Louis nods in agreement. “Forever.” 

Harry smiles widely at the love of his life. “Forever.” He confirms.

Liam, Niall, Zayn, and Julia all come to visit a few hours later. Louis tried to prepare him that there were probably going to be tears but Harry laughed it off. Neither of his friends would cry on his behalf. If anyone would it would probably be Liam but never Niall. Boy, was he wrong. 

Liam walks in first with his hands covering his mouth. He already looks to be holding in tears. Harry flashes him a big smile. He’s so happy to see his best friend. He feels awful to have given him such a scare. 

“Hi, Li.” 

Liam finally breaks down at the sound of Harry’s voice. He walks over to Harry and wraps him into a hug. He cries into Harry’s long hair. Harry lets him cry. He can only imagine what he has put his best friend through. Being Harry’s emergency contact must have been so scary. Having a stranger call him and tell him that his best friend almost died and was in a coma must have been so awful for him. 

“I’m so sorry.” Harry whispers to his best friend.

Liam pulls back from the hug and wipes his eyes. “Don’t apologize.” 

“How can I not?” When Liam doesn’t reply, Harry starts rampling. “I’ve put you through so much, Li. I don’t understand while you’re still around. I can’t imagine what it was like to get that phone call in the middle of the night. I’ve got to start realizing that if I’m hurting myself then I’m hurting the people that I care about too. I’m sorry that I was so selfish.”

Liam pulls him into another hug. “Stop apologizing, Haz. You don’t need to be sorry. I’m so glad you’re alright.” 

“Me too.” Harry responds honestly. 

Liam is about to respond when Niall opens the door and walks into the room. 

“Niall!” Harry exclaims excitedly.

“Hazza!” Niall responds just as excitedly. “My man, back from the dead.” 

Harry starts laughing at his friend’s morbid joke. “That was a good one!” 

Niall glances to Liam who is giving him a death stare. “I’m sorry. Hospitals make me weird.” 

“Me too but you don’t see me making inappropriate jokes.” Liam bites back.

Niall completely ignores Liam and turns to Harry. “How are you feeling?” He asks, his face turning serious.

“Good… Better.” 

“Good. I’m glad to hear it… You really scared the shit out of us.”

“I know and I’m sorry.”

“We’re just glad you’re alright.” Liam interjects. Niall nods his head in agreement.

There is a silence that falls under the room. “So Louis told me that Julia is here?”

“Yeah. After Liam called me about.. You know…” He gestures to Harry in the hospital bed. “I went to her place.” Niall cups a hand over his mouth as if to tell Harry a secret. He lowers his voice. “I was leaving another bird’s house that I just shagged but that stays between us.” Harry laughs at his silly friend. “Jules was there to comfort me, though. She’s fucking brilliant, Haz. I don’t know what the hell I was thinking when I broke up with her.”

Harry smiles widely. “Well, I’m glad she’s back in your life. I’m happy you’re happy. I really like Jules.” 

A shit eating grin forms on Niall’s face. “So yeah, thank you for landing in the hospital. It got me my girl back.” Niall says with a quiet laugh. Liam shoots him another dirty look but Niall ignores it.

“At least one good thing came from it then. As fucking morbid as that sounds.” 

“Nah, I get what you mean. You’re seeing the good from a bad situation. It’s very wise of you, my dear little Haz.” 

Louis walks into the room at that moment with Zayn and Julia. “Whose Haz?” Louis asks, raising an eyebrow at Niall. Niall just laughs and puts his arm around Julia. “Yeah, that’s what I thought. Wouldn’t want to kick your arse over Harry’s honor.” 

“Well, we’re in the perfect place to do it.” 

“Niall, for fuck’s sake. Quit it with the cynical hospital jokes. They aren’t funny.”

Niall laughs louder which causes everyone but Liam to join in. “They are pretty funny.” Harry agrees. 

Harry’s group of friends stay with him until visiting hours are over. There is only one person allowed to sleep over in the hospital room so Liam gets to go back home with Zayn. Harry didn’t really feel like he was in a hospital room when his friends are there with him. They make him feel normal. 

Once they are gone, Louis sets up the chair next to Harry to be slept in. Harry gives him a dirty look.

“What?” Louis asks curiously.

“You’re not sleeping there.”

“Where else am I going to sleep?” 

Harry pats the bed. “Next to me.” 

Louis shakes his head. “You know that the doctors won’t allow that.”

“I don’t give a fuck what the doctors say. I want to sleep next to you.”

Louis looks at him fondly. “You know I can never say no to you.”

Harry flashes him a dimpled smile. “I know.” 

Louis takes the blanket that is on the chair and slides into bed with Harry. He’s extra cautious not to accidentally touch Harry’s left forearm. Harry immediately notices. 

“I’m not going to break if you touch me, you know.”

“Yeah, baby… I know.” 

“It’s just a cut. I’ve had them before. It’s bandaged up pretty nicely. It’s just a little sore.” Harry takes Louis arm and wraps it around him. “I’m okay, Lou. I’m healing.   
Pretty soon I’m going to be completely healed and then I’ll have another scar to add to my collection.”

Louis very gently picks up Harry’s bandaged arm. He kisses each of Harry’s fingers and then the palm of his hand. Louis looks up to him to make sure this is okay and Harry nods. Louis’ lips ghost over the bandage. It’s like his lips are willing the wound to heal. It’s like he’s trying to take all of Harry’s pain away.

All Harry can do is stare down at his boyfriend with pure amazement. He really gets to be with this gentle, caring man for the rest of his life. This man who constantly tells him that he’s enough. This man who will always be there for him even through the toughest of situations. 

“I love you.” Harry murmurs, smile growing on his face.

Louis looks up at him with a dreamy expression. It’s like he was thinking the same things that Harry was. “I love you, Harry.” His eyes crinkle with happiness as soon as the words leave his mouth. 

Louis gently sets Harry’s forearm down on the bed and slides his hand under Harry’s cheek. He brings Harry’s face to his own and connects their lips together. They lay there, kissing softly, for a long time. Even if they are in the hospital, even after everything that has happened to them, they still have each other. That’s all that Harry could possibly ask for.

Harry is put on a mandatory psych hold the next day because his wound was self inflicted. They moved him down to the psych ward when the doctor accessed his wound and was deemed fit for travel. Harry has been to the psych ward once before so he knows what to expect. The doctors will prescribe him medication and they will send him on his merry way. He’s fine with being here because he knows that he did almost die. Even if he changed his mind about dying halfway through everything, he knows this is what’s best.

The three days that Harry is in psych go by torturously slow. He’s not allowed to see Louis during that time and that is the awful part. After the traumatic events that transpired, he wants to be with Louis. He never wants to be without him. He constantly wants to make sure that he’s okay because the last time that he didn’t know, Louis was unconscious on the kitchen floor. 

Harry makes it through the mandatory psych hold but barely. If he would have stayed another day, he would have lost his mind. He got what he needed from his stay. He got his antidepressants under control and he feels a lot better. He knew that Louis was a better antidepressant than any medication they could have prescribed so he counts the minutes until he says his boyfriend again.

Louis is waiting for him outside of the door when he is finally discharged. When they finally lock eyes, it’s like he’s finally come home. Louis is his home. It doesn’t matter where he goes. If he has Louis, he’s always home. 

Louis smiles so widely at him. “Hi, baby!” 

Harry runs to him and wraps his arms around his boyfriend. His home. 

*L*

It was like walking into a horror movie where Louis is the main character when he goes to his flat for the first time since the incident. There are broken glass and clutter everywhere. Louis only vaguely remembers making the mess. He comes home for the first time after Harry is sent for a mandatory psych evaluation. He understands why they are sending him there but it still wasn’t fair. They didn’t send Louis so they shouldn’t have sent Harry. Alcohol poisoning, apparently, isn’t enough reason to be sent for a psych evaluation since it can be accidental. Louis wishes he could be with his boy. 

Louis spends the three days without Harry making their flat completely spotless. He doesn’t want Harry to be triggered by anything in the flat that could remind him of that night. Louis rearranges all of the furniture in the living room and their bedroom. Taking all of these extra precautions for Harry makes Louis start thinking. Maybe he and Harry should buy their own flat together. Something that is completely theirs and a place that doesn’t have so many awful memories attached to it. 

It is Saturday when Harry finally gets out. Louis arrives entirely too early but he can’t help it. He misses his boy. He waits by the door in front of the psych entrance. He waits about 45 minutes until Harry finally walks out. 

Louis smiles so widely, he can’t contain himself. He finally gets to see the love of his life again after three days of no contact. It was torturous. “Hi, baby!” 

Harry runs to him and wraps him into a hug. Louis immediately melts into the hug. He missed his boyfriend’s warmth and smell. “I’m so happy to see your fucking face.” Harry mutters and pulls Louis into a kiss. Louis sighs contently into the kiss. He felt so happy to finally kiss his boy. They part all too quickly.

Louis can tell that Harry is itching to get as far away from this hospital as possible. Louis couldn’t agree more. He just wanted to go home with Harry and cuddle him for as long as possible. They walk to Louis’ car and he quickly exits the parking lot. 

“Happy to be out of there?” Louis asks.

“Yes. God, yes.” Harry says, intertwining his fingers with Louis’. “So what did you do while I was gone?” 

“Thought about you.” Louis answers immediately. 

Harry smiles. “No, really… What did you do?”

“I, uh, cleaned up the place. Did a bit of rearranging. Being alone in the flat for three days really got me thinking about a lot of things.”

“Like what?” 

“Well for starters, I’m not going to let Ben ruin my entire teaching career. He can fire me from King’s College but he can’t make sure that I never get a teaching position ever again.”

“That’s a good way to think, Lou.” 

“I’m going to start looking for permanent teaching positions for the next term. For now, I can look for temporary positions that only last a few weeks. I’m sure there are professors that have fallen ill or that are about to go on maternity leave.”

“That’s such a good plan, babe. I’m so proud of you.” 

Louis glances over at his boyfriend and smiles. “I’m just trying to find the good in this shit situation. For us. We’re going to need stability. I have a little money saved up but it’s not enough to last us the whole school year.” 

“I can get a part time job.” Harry suggests.

Louis shakes his head. “I want to be able to take care of you, baby. And besides, you have your last semester of school and you need to focus on that.” 

“Oh, shit… I haven’t even thought about school. The spring term has already started.” Harry says dreadfully.

“Liam already talked to the school. They are very supportive in making sure you’re healthy mentally and physically. They’re allowing you to take the classes that you still need online.” 

Harry stares at Louis in disbelief. “No way.” 

“Yes way, H.” 

“That’s so amazing. I can’t believe the school is being so understanding.” 

“Well, believe me when I say that it has nothing to do with Ben. He suggested that you drop out for the semester. Liam told him off and went to the dean of the entire college. Liam is usually really sweet but he can definitely be aggressive when he wants to get his way.” 

“You talked to Liam?”

“Yeah. He and I talk now. It drives Zayn up the wall… That’s why I call him once a day now.” Louis says with a shit eating grin. 

Harry smiles whimsically. “I’m so happy that the two of you are getting along. It means so much to me that you’re starting to love my friends as much as I do.”

“They’re definitely growing on me.” Louis admits. 

Louis pulls into the parking lot next to his flat and parks the car. He can tell that Harry is nervous to go into the flat. The last time he was here was such a dark time for him. Louis wishes that he would have impulsively bought another flat and moved into it before Harry got out so he wouldn’t have to deal with the flashbacks of Louis lying unconscious on the kitchen floor. 

Louis opens the door for them and lets Harry walk in first. “It definitely looks.. Different.” 

“That was the idea.” 

Harry takes in his surroundings silently. He walks around the room and carefully avoids the entrance to the kitchen. “Do you think we could take a nap? I’m really tired… Didn’t sleep well in the hospital.” 

“Yeah. Of course, babe.” Louis replies, extending his hand. 

Harry takes his hand gladly and Louis walks them to their room. The bed is neatly made. For once, all of Louis’ clothes are put away. 

“Doesn’t even look like the same room. You’ve never been this tidy.” Harry jokes.

“That’s what three days without my boy will do. Makes me do crazy things like clean.” Louis makes a face of disgust. 

“Well, I’ll just never leave you for that long ever again.” 

“You promise?”

“I promise.” 

Louis smiles at the thought. “Okay, let’s nap.”

“Yes, please.” Harry agrees and plops down on the king sized bed. He spawls out so his long limbs are taking up most of the bed. 

“Move over, you giant.” Louis jokes, laying on the bed as well.

Harry cuddles up against Louis. It felt so good to finally have Harry in his arm again. This time Harry’s not covered in needles and in a hospital bed. He’s happy that his boy is healing and out of the hospital. He’s happy that they are finally reunited.

“I’m so happy to be back in our bed.”

“Me too, baby.” Louis responds, gently petting Harry’s hair. Soft, pleased sounds leave Harry’s mouth. 

“I love you, you know.” Harry says after a few minutes. His voice quiet and sedated with impending sleep. 

“I know. I love you, too.” Louis holds his boyfriend as he falls into a deep sleep. Somewhere along the way, Louis falls asleep as well.

Louis wakes up from their nap drenched in his own sweat. He had a dream about his mother. He only has those every so often. This is the first time he hasn’t woken up crying. He pulls Harry closer to him and cuddles him harder. 

His dream wasn’t even really a dream. He feels like it’s his mother’s way of trying to communicate with him from the other side. His dream was his mum and all of his siblings laughing and having a great time. Louis wasn’t in the dream. It was everyone except for him. At the very end of the dream, his mum motions for him to come join them and that is when he woke up. He knows that this is his mother’s way of telling him that it’s finally time for him to come home. For the first time, he agrees with her.

“Harry?” Louis whispers, nudging him softly. 

“Hmm?” Harry responds, still half asleep.

“Can you wake up? I need to talk to you.. It’s really important.” 

Harry sits up and wipes the sleep from his eyes. “Is everything alright?”

“I want to go home.” Louis informs him softly.

Harry’s eyes grow wide. “Home as in Doncaster?”

Louis nods. “I think it’s finally time.”

Harry takes Louis’ hand in his own and interwines their fingers together. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.” They are quiet for a few seconds. Harry is urging him to continue. “I want to do it tomorrow.. I know that’s such short notice but I know that if I don’t do it now, I never will. It’s also a Sunday so I’m sure everyone will be home. I think it’s better to see all of them at once. It’ll be hard but at least they will all be in one place.” 

“I think that’s a good idea, Lou.”

“Will you come with me? I don’t know if I can do it without you by my side.” 

Harry brushes his lips against Louis’. “Of course, I will. I’ll be by your side the whole time.”

“Thank you.” Louis whispers, his voice threatening to tremble. He feels so overcome with emotion to have his boy with him every step or the way. 

“This is such a good thing, Lou. I know you’re scared but it’s going to be okay. I just have a feeling. They may be upset and hurt at first but none of that will matter. They are going to have their brother back and that’s all they are doing to care about.”

“I hope you’re right.”

“I _am_ right. You’ll see, Lou.” 

Louis and Harry wake up early that next morning and prepare for their drive to Doncaster. It’s such a surreal feeling for Louis. He’s actually about to go back home for the first time in three years. He’s so nervous that he feels like he could vomit. 

The drive to Doncaster is so familiar to Louis and yet it feel so foreign since he hasn’t taken this route in so long. Harry holds his hold during the entire drive there. If Harry can feel that Louis is trembling, he doesn’t say anything. Louis is grateful for that. He is grateful that Harry is allowing him this time in his head to psych himself up. 

Louis drives into Doncaster. Everything about this town is so familiar. This is where he grew up. This is home. With every mile that he drives, the hard he squeezes unto Harry’s hand.

“It’s going to be okay.” Harry reminds.

“I hope so.” 

Finally, Louis pulls into his neighborhood. Everything looks the same. The same cars are still parked at the same houses. All of the houses look the exact same. It’s like time hasn’t moved forward three years. For a split second, it feels like his mother is still alive and is going to greet him at the door with a giant hug like she always used to. Louis parks the car in front of his childhood home and reluctantly gets out of the vehicle.

Louis takes several deep breaths. He’s trying not to have a panic attack. He hasn’t seen this house in three years. His mum’s house. Harry grabs his hand and squeezes it reassuringly. Louis nods mostly to himself and they walk hand in hand to the front door. They stand there for about thirty seconds before Louis musters up enough courage to knock on the front door. He hears rustling around the house and a few giggles from children. 

Louis doesn’t think he can do this. He starts to step backwards but Harry’s hand keeps him in his place. “You’ve got this, okay?” Harry soothes. “They are your family and they love you.” 

Louis is about to respond when the front door opens. Lottie is standing with the door open with wide eyes. “Lou.. Louis?” She stutters in shock. 

Louis clears his throat. “Hi, sis.” 

Louis thinks that she is going to start yelling or shut the door in his face. He’s completely taken aback when she walks two steps forward and wraps him in a hug. Harry lets go of his hand so he can hug his sister back. He wraps her in the tightest hug he can muster. She sobs into his chest and he lets her. All of unresolved feelings and conflict between them are completely gone. It is just brother and sister finally reunited. He finally lets himself feel. Feel all of the emotions of losing his mother and leaving his family behind. He holds Lottie tighter and nuzzles his face into her hair. Her hair smells just like it did three years ago. This is what causes him to lose it. He cries into her hair and both stay like this for several minutes. Neither say anything; both crying and holding their estranged sibling. 

When they finally part, Louis gets a good look at her face. She’s matured into an adult. The childlike features that he remembers are no longer there. She’s still every bit as beautiful. She looks like their mum. 

“You’re home.” Lottie murmurs. 

“I’m home.” Louis confirms. 

Harry places a comforting hand on the small of Louis’ back. Lottie looks to him like it is the first time she’s noticed anything but Louis. Lottie wipes her eyes and extends her hand. “I’m sorry.. I’m Lottie.” 

Harry extends his hand as well and they shake. “I’m Harry. I’ve heard so much about you.” 

“Harry is my boyfriend. I mentioned that a little when we talked last. I wouldn’t have been able to come here if it wasn’t for him.” Louis replies, looking fondly at his boyfriend. 

Wordlessly, Lottie wraps Harry in a hug. “Thank you.” She whispers to Harry. 

Harry hugs her back graciously. He has to bend down to hug her since Lottie is much shorter. It warmed Louis’ heart endlessly that Harry is finally getting to meet his family. Harry doesn’t seem to know how to respond so he smiles down to her when they part. 

“Well, come in.” Lottie says, gesturing to the door. “We’re all about to have Sunday brunch.” 

Louis smiles softly, suddenly filled with nostalgia. “Just like mum used to do.” 

A small smile etches on Lottie’s lips. “Yeah, just like mum used to.”

The three of them walk into the house. Louis’ heart lunges into his throat. The house looks exactly like it did three years ago when his mum was still alive. The pictures of his siblings were updated but the pictures of Louis were in the same places as before and remained the same. Lottie walks them through the house and pauses before they reach the kitchen and dining room. She walks in first. Louis and Harry wait. 

“Who was at the front door?” Fizzy asks from inside the dining room.

“Uh, actually…” Lottie starts but doesn’t finish. 

Louis thinks this is a good of a time as any to walk into the dining room. All of the chatter between the siblings quiet instantly. Harry holds his hand for reassurance as they stand in front of his family. Dan is sitting at the front of the table. Both sets of twins are there. Louis is blown away at how big they’ve all gotten. Fizzy is sitting there. Her face has gone ghostly white and her lips are set in a tight line. There is also a man that Louis doesn’t know that is sitting next to Lottie. He’s home. 

“Uh, hi.” Louis says awkwardly. 

Phoebe starts crying instantly when she sees her big brother. Daisy looks as if she might start crying as well but she instead puts on a brave face. The littles look up at him with curious faces, as if to try and remember him. Fizzy refuses to meet Louis’ eyes. She is staring down intently at her food. 

“Louis’ finally come home.” Lottie announces in a small voice. 

Nobody says anything for about thirty seconds. In this thirty seconds, Louis realizes that this was a terrible idea. He’s already caused his family so much hurt and coming back into their lives after three years is selfish. He’s panicking while looking at his siblings. 

Fizzy silently gets up from the table and walks out of the room. Louis has never felt like more of a piece of shit than he does right now. Harry squeezes his hand tightly and comfortingly rubs his thumb across the top of Louis’ hand. 

Louis is about to walk out of the room when Ernest speaks up. “Achoo!” He says, recognition washing over his face. 

It’s at that moment that Louis’ eyes fill up with tears. He’s not been called that since the day of his mum’s funeral when Ernie wanted to be held but Louis was to drunk to comply. “Yeah, Ernie. Achoo.” 

“Achoo!” Doris says happily. She gets up from the table and runs over to her brother. She stretches her arms out and Louis picks her up.

“I’m surprised you remember me.” Louis mutters. 

Doris moves her head from Louis’ shoulder and looks at him. “I don’t remember all too well but we have pictures of you all in the house.” She informs. 

“And Lottie and Fizzy talk about Achoo all of the time.” Ernie adds. 

Tears start to fall from Louis’ eyes. His sisters never gave up hope that he would come home. They kept the memory of him alive in this house because they knew he would eventually return home. 

Ernie gets up from the table and demands Louis hold him as well. He picks up his not so baby brother and hugs both of his younger siblings. Each child nuzzles their small heads into Louis’ shoulders. 

Louis glances around the room and everyone has tears in their eyes. Lottie is crying freely while holding on to the hand of the man that Louis doesn’t know. Dan is wiping a few escaping tears from his face. The older twins are holding each other and crying. He looks over to his boyfriend who has tears running down his face but has such a proud, happy smile. 

Louis finally lets the twins down who go back to their seats and start eating without permission. The older twins look to their older brother. It is as if they are still deciphering if this is real life or not. Louis nods in their direction. Daisy immediately stands up and rushes over to him.

“Bubby.” Daisy says as she hugs her brother. 

Louis hugs her tightly. She’s gotten so big since the last time that he hugged her. She wasn’t a little kid anymore. Neither of the twins were. They were both maturing into young women. Louis missed the rest of their childhood. 

“Oh, Dais.” Louis whimpers as he holds his crying sister. 

“I was starting to think you were never going to come home.” She wails into Louis’ chest. 

Her words cause fresh tears to run down Louis’ face. 

“I’m so sorry. So, so sorry.” Louis consoles while petting her hair. 

Phoebe joins the hug. Her face is blotchy from crying so much. “Don’t be sorry. I’m just so glad you’re finally home.” She struggles to speak in between her cries. 

He hugs his sisters harder. “I won’t ever do that again. I promise.” His words only make his sisters cry harder. 

Louis stands there hugging his sisters for several minutes. He reluctantly lets them go. He has plenty of time to catch up with them now that he’s back. Right now, he has to right a wrong. He has to go talk to the sister that he felt closest to. He has to talk to the sister that he completely abandoned without a word of why.

“I should go talk to Fiz..” Louis says. 

Lottie nods in agreement. “She took it the hardest, you know.” 

Louis’ throat tightens. “I know.” He looks over to Harry who nods in reassurance. 

“Go. I’ll be fine here.” Harry explains, planting a kiss on Louis’ forehead. 

Louis leaves the dining room and makes his way through the house. It feels like a dream to be back in this house. He didn’t think he would ever see these walls again. It warms his heart that Lottie kept it exactly how their mum left it. Every detail remained the same. He walks up the stairs to Fizzy’s room. The door is shut so he knocks twice. 

“Go away.” Fizzy yells from inside of her room. 

“C’mon, Fiz. Let me in.” Louis pleads. “Please.” 

There is rustling in her room and then the sound of the door being unlocked. Louis lets himself into the room. Fizzy is sitting on her bed with an angry expression on her face.

“What do you want?” 

“To apologize.” Louis says, sitting down on the bed next to her.

Fizzy scoffs. “Right.” 

“You seemed a lot happier to see me when we spoke on the phone a few months ago.” Louis notes. 

“Yeah, that was before I actually saw you here.” Fizzy mutters. 

“Why did that change your attitude towards me?” Louis wonders.

“Because.” Fizzy starts. “I didn’t think you would actually come home and now that you’re home, all I can think about is how pissed off at you I am.” 

“I know, Fiz. You have every right to be pissed off at me.”

“You’re a fucking asshole.” She snaps. 

Louis knows that he is but he is taken aback when he hears his sister say this. “I know.” He replies automatically. 

She is quiet for a few seconds. “You left me when I needed you the most.” Fizzy states, voice shaking. 

“I know I did and I’m so sorry.” 

She turns to look at him. There are tears welling in her eyes. “You weren’t the only one who was devastated when mum died. We all were.” 

“I know.” Louis puts his face in his hands. “I just couldn’t.. Be in here. In this house.”

“And you think we all could?” Fizzy is raising her voice now. Louis didn’t blame her. “Just because you were her first born and had more time with her, didn’t make the rest of us miss her any less.”

Her words hit him like a ton of bricks. He was so selfish to abandon his family, especially when he did. Fizzy is right, he is a fucking asshole. He stays quiet for what seems like a long time. 

“I’m so sorry. Nothing I say or do is going to make up for leaving. I know that. But I’m here now--.” 

“Yeah. Three fucking years later.” Fizzy interrupts bitterly. 

Louis doesn’t think he’s going to get anywhere with Fizzy. He’s caused too much damage to their relationship. He figures he should leave her alone to process that he’s back in his family’s lives. He gets up off of the bed. 

“I’m sorry I’ve upset you. I knew it was a bad idea to come without a warning. I’ll leave you alone now.” 

“Are you going to leave us for another three years?” 

Her words sting. He knows he deserves it but they still sting. “No. I’ll never do that to you all ever again. That’s the worst mistake of my life. I’m going to try to make it up to you guys but I know that it’ll never excuse what I did.” Louis turns to walk out of her room. 

“Wait.” Fizzy calls after him.

“Yeah?” Louis turns around towards his sister. Her bottom lip is quivering. She’s trying so hard to keep it together. 

“Don’t go.” She whispers before she finally breaks. 

Fizzy hides her face in her arms which are resting on her knees. She is basically curled up into a ball and is making herself small. Louis wonders how long she has put on a brave face for the other siblings. He can only imagine the level of hurt his sister has felt for the last three years.

“Fiz..” Louis sighs, trying not to start crying himself. He walks back over to his sister and sits next to her. 

Louis gives Fizzy her space but that’s not what she wants. As soon as he sits down, she throws herself into his arms. She holds onto to him so tightly. It’s as if she lets go, Louis will be gone. Louis stays silent and lets his sister cry. He doesn’t know when he starts crying but he does. He’s missed her so much. 

“I’m so sorry, Fiz. So fucking sorry. I should have been there for you, all of you.” Louis sobs into her hair. 

It takes several more minutes for Fizzy to calm down. At one point she is gasping for air from crying so much. Her face is puffy and blotchy from crying. “I haven’t cried in such a long time. It’s been years, probably.” 

“You shouldn’t hold in your emotions like that. It’s not healthy.”

“Isn’t that what you did?” Fizzy asks. Her tone is not snarky or malicious. She is asking out of curiosity. 

“It was. That’s how I know it’s not healthy. How do you cope with what you’re feeling then?” 

“I smoke. A lot.” 

Louis can’t help himself, a small smile etches on his lips. “Mum was right, you’re so much like me.” 

Fizzy looks down at her bed but has a small smile on her face as well. “We always were the problem children.” 

An emotionless chuckle escapes his throat. “You have no idea.” 

“I’d like to though… have an idea… Of who you are now, you know? I may still fucking hate you right now but you’re my brother and we have the last three years to catch up on.”

“I know we do, Fiz.” 

Fizzy surprises him again when she wraps her arms around Louis’ neck in a hug. Louis hugs her back tightly. “I really missed you… You have no idea how much.”

“I missed you too, Fiz.” 

They part once more. “Is that guy with you your boyfriend?” She asks curiously.

Louis nods with a smile. “Yeah.. That’s Harry.”

“Can I meet him?” 

Louis’ smile grows. It makes him so happy that his sister wants to meet his boyfriend. His two most important people. “I’d like that a lot… I know he would too.”

Fizzy gets up off of her bed and waits for her brother to do the same. Louis stands up and escorts them down the stairs. The family is no longer in the dining room. They are all in the living room talking loud and lively. 

Louis spots Harry immediately. He’s sitting on the couch with Doris on his lap. He has a huge grin plastered on his face. Ernie is tugging on his hair in hopes to get him up off of the couch so he can play with him. The older twins are speaking animatedly to Harry and he’s laughing at what they are saying. It’s the best sight that Louis could have possibly walked into. Harry is meshing well with his family. Louis already knows that Harry will make a perfect edition to this crazy, beautiful family of his.

“Everything go okay?” Lottie asks when she spots her siblings at the bottom of the stairs. 

Louis looks to Fizzy for confirmation. She nods at her sister. “Everything’s okay now.” 

“I’m glad.” Lottie smiles and grabs both of her siblings into a hug. It’s hard for her to do because she’s so small but she manages. She lets go of them and reaches for the man’s hand that Louis doesn’t know. “Brother, this is Sam. He’s my fiance.” 

Louis’ eyes widen in surprise. “Fiance?” 

Lottie nods and looks fondly at Sam. She really does look in love. Louis is happy that she’s found someone that can care for her and their siblings.

Louis extends his hand for Sam to shake. Sam does gratefully. “It’s nice to finally meet you.” Sam says. 

“Nice to meet you as well. Glad to know someone is making my sister happy.”

Sam smiles widely at Lottie. “I definitely try.” 

“And succeed.” Lottie finishes, pulling Sam down for a kiss. Louis doesn’t want to see his sister making out with her fiance so Louis motions Fizzy to come with him.

Louis moves more into the living room and locks eyes with his boyfriend. His eyes are shining brightly. He looks so happy. “Hey, babe?” Louis gestures for him to come where he is. 

“Yeah, Lou?” Harry stands up and sets Doris back onto the couch. He walks over to Louis.

“I’d like you to meet my sister, Felicite.” 

“Hi.” Fizzy greets shyly. 

Harry engulfs her into a hug. She looks surprised at first but quickly melts into the hug. “It’s so nice to finally meet you. Lou’s told me so much about you.” Harry explains once they’ve parted. 

“Uh oh.” Fizzy mutters. 

This causes Harry to laugh. “You two really are very similar.” 

Fizzy playfully rolls her eyes. “Don’t remind me.” She groans and then leans into her brother. 

Louis doesn’t think he’s ever felt this happy before. He’s finally back with his family after three years. They still love him just the same. In some aspects, it feels like he never left. The love of his life is here with him and his family adores him. Louis doesn’t think life could get any better than this. He’s home. His mother would be so proud if she were here. He glances over to her picture sitting on the mantle and smiles. She’s still here. 

Louis and Harry stay the night in his childhood home. He was going to buy a hotel room for the night because he didn’t want to force himself completely back into his family’s lives so soon but Lottie insisted that they stay. Louis was reluctant but Harry helped convince him that it was a good idea. 

“Achoo?” Ernie asks as Lottie told them it was time for bed.

“Yes, Ernie?” 

“Will you tuck me in?” Ernie asks with a pucker of his bottom lip. Louis was always the person to tuck him in when his mum was staying the night in the hospital. Not that Ernest would remember that. It’s a memory that Louis will always cherish, though. 

Louis’ heart lunges into his throat. His little brother is the cutest thing to ever exist. 

“And pretty Harry?” Doris adds with a bashful smile. Doris has been calling Harry pretty all day. She loves his long locks. Lottie thinks that she has a bit of a crush on Harry. Louis finds it adorable. He has a crush on him too. He’s surprised all of his sisters don’t have little crushes on him. Harry is quite beautiful, after all. 

“Of course, pretty Dottie.” Harry responds, scooping her up when she runs over to him. 

Louis looks over to his sister to get the okay. She nods. “Go ahead. Sam and I could use the extra sleep.” She cheekily winks at her fiance.

Louis makes a face. “Gross, Lots. I did not need to witness that.”

Lottie laughs. “Serves you right.” She jokes and wraps her brother in a hug. Louis hugs her back tightly. 

Lottie releases Louis from her grasp and then squats down so that he’s on the littles’ level. Harry puts Doris down so Lottie can speak to her. “You two troublemakers are going to be good for Achoo and Harry, right?” 

“Pretty Harry.” Doris corrects with a smile. 

Lottie nods. “Yes, pretty Harry.” She looks up at Harry and smiles. “You’re going to be good?” 

Both of the children nod. “Yes, Lottie.” Ernest murmurs. 

“Good.” She kisses each child on the forehead. “Get some sleep.” 

“Goodnight, little sister.” Louis says quietly.

“Goodnight, big brother.” Lottie replies with a small smile. She and Sam walk down the hallway into her bedroom. “I’m just down the hall if either of you need anything.”

Harry picks up Doris once again and carries her into their bedroom. Louis picks up Ernest and follows Harry. This isn’t new territory for Louis but he’s definitely rusty. He’s thankful that Lottie trusts him enough to put the twins to bed. 

Doris leads Harry to her side of the closet. “So which jammies do you want to wear tonight?” 

“My princess nightgown.” Doris responds.

“Good choice. I knew you were a princess.” Harry replies with a gentle smile. 

Doris positively beams. “I’m not a princess yet. Lottie says I’m in training.” 

“Well I think that you’re going to be the prettiest princess of them all.” Harry comments fondly. 

Louis watches the encounter silently. He falls more in love with Harry with each word that he tells his sister. Harry is so good with kids. Louis doesn’t think he could have picked someone more perfect for him.

“Achoo?” Ernie asks, pulling him from his thoughts.

“Yes, Ernie?”

“Can I wear my pickup truck jammies?” Ernest asks, holding up his pyjamas. 

“Yeah, of course you can.”

The littles change into their pyjamas and lay down in their beds. Harry walks to their book shelf and finds something to read them. He carefully reads each book title until he finds the perfect one. He nods to himself and pulls a book from the shelf. He sits down on the edge of Doris’ bed but turns his body so that he’s facing both children. Louis can’t seem to wipe the dopey grin off his face. 

“You two ready for your bedtime story?”

“Yeah!” Ernest and Doris reply excitedly.

“Wanna read with me, Lou?” 

Louis nods at his boyfriend’s request. “Yeah.”

Louis sits on the floor in between Harry’s legs. Harry starts reading the littles their bedtime story. Each man alternates reading each page. By the end of the story, both children are sleeping soundly. Harry carefully slides off of the bed and turns off their night light. They tiptoe out of the room and Louis quietly shuts the door.

Louis takes Harry’s hand and walks him to Louis’ old room. It is the only room in the house that looks different from three years ago. Lottie must have converted it into a guest bedroom. There are still several items of his that are littered across the room. It’s weird for him to be back in this room and not have his mum just down the hall.

“It’s a nice room.” Harry comments.

“Yeah. Well, Lottie has definitely cleaned it since the last time I was here. This room was always clustered with all of my shit.”

Harry snorts. “Yeah, I’d believe it.”

Louis strips out of his clothes except for his boxers. He’s glad to get comfortable. Harry looks around the room nervously. Louis knows that Harry is even more self conscious about showing off his new scar. It’s still wrapped in a bandage but he knows Harry is more comfortable if he doesn’t show it at all. 

“I think there are still a few baggy sweaters in the closet that I left behind.”

“Thank you.” Harry’s eyes are kind and appreciative. He walks to the closet and looks for a sweater. When he finds one that he thinks is going to fit him comfortably, he carefully slides his current shirt off. Louis’ heart sinks just a fraction when he sees Harry’s bandage on his left forearm. Harry catches him staring and quickly dresses. 

“You’re beautiful. You know that, right?”

Harry smiles shyly at Louis. “I’m starting to, yeah. Thanks to you.” 

Louis stretches his arms out dramatically. “Get over here so I can cuddle you.”

Harry giggles and it’s the most adorable sound Louis’ ever heard. He hasn’t heard it enough since everything happened. “Someone’s impatient.” He mutters fondly. 

“I barely got to love on you all day. Sue me.” Louis jokes. 

Harry gets on the bed and lets himself be wrapped up in Louis’ embrace. “How are you feeling? About today.” 

“Good.” Louis answers honestly. “I feel good… I wasn’t sure how things were going to play out when we first got here but now I’m really happy that we came. It’s one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.” 

Harry snuggles himself further against Louis’ body. “I’m happy things went so well.” 

Louis smiles happily. “Me too.” 

“Your family is lovely. I already love each of your siblings so much.” 

“And they already love you. I can already tell that they are going to treat you like one of the family.” Louis looks forward to what the future holds. He can’t wait for holidays at this house with Harry by his side. His heart jackrabbits in his chest just thinking about it. 

“You were right all those months ago. Doris and I are a lot alike. I adore her already.”

“And she adores you, _pretty_ Harry.”

Harry snorts. “Dottie is the only one allow to call me that, Lou. It’s kind of our thing.” He reasons. 

“Yeah, yeah. Pretty Harry.”

“You’re such a little shit.” Harry states, erupting with laughter. 

“I know I am. But you love me anyway.” 

Harry plants quick kisses on Louis’ bare chest. “I definitely do.”

A comfortable silence falls between them. Louis is deep in thought about today and everything that has happened. He’s so happy that he’s home and has his boy by his side. His mum would be so proud. His thoughts turn to his mother. He hasn’t been to her grave, not ever. He finally thinks he’s ready to do that. 

“I want to take you to meet my mum.” Louis pauses and sighs. The way he worded it makes him sound like a complete lunatic. “Not meet, obviously. God. I just meant that I want to take you to her grave. I haven’t been since her funeral and I don’t know if I could go without you there.”

Harry kisses Louis on his temple. “Of course I’ll go with you to meet your mum.” His voice is soft and comforting.

“Thank you, H. I couldn’t have done any of this if it wasn’t for you.” 

Harry cuddles into Louis harder and yawns. “That’s what we do, Lou. We help each other do the things we don’t think we can do. We make each other strong.”

“You make me feel like I can do anything.” Louis tells him honestly. 

“You do the same for me. I couldn’t have done half of the shit that I’ve done in the last six months if it weren’t for you.”

Louis kisses his boyfriend’s hair. “I feel the same way, H.” 

Harry yawns again and pulls the blanket up to cover them both. “We should get some sleep. We should be well rested for tomorrow.” 

Louis nods nervously. He already knows tomorrow is going to be an emotional roller coaster. “Yeah, you’re right. Goodnight, baby.” 

“I love you, Lou… Goodnight.” 

Louis holds his boyfriend as he slowly drifts off to sleep. “I love you, Harry.” 

Louis wakes up before Harry the next morning. He carefully untangles Harry’s long limbs from him and dresses as quietly as he can. He walks down the stairs and towards the noise coming from the kitchen. Lottie, Phoebe, and Daisy are all chatting and sitting on the countertops. 

“Well, good morning big brother.” Lottie greets. 

“Good morning.” Louis replies, silently making himself a cup of tea. 

“How were the twins last night when you put them to bed?” Lottie asks.

“Good. Didn’t give us too much trouble. Harry’s really good with them.” Louis smiles to himself. 

“You’ve got it bad.” Phoebe jokes. Daisy laughs at her twin’s words.

“Oh hush it, you two.” Louis scolds playfully. 

“They’ve got a point, you know. I’ve never seen you look at someone the way you look at him.” Lottie shoos the girls into the other room so she can talk to her brother alone. 

“I kind of love him a lot so that might explain it.” 

“Mum would have loved him.” Lottie comments.

“I know she would have.” 

“She would be really proud of you. Coming here and making things right with us.” Lottie snorts out a laugh. “It took you three years but mum always said you were the most stubborn in the family.” 

Louis smiles at Lottie’s comment. His mother used to say that all of the time. He can still hear her voice saying those words. “I do really hope that she would be proud of me. I know she’d be proud of you. You stepped up for this family when I couldn’t. I’m so sorry that I left you all alone to care for them. I should have been here.”

Lottie nods in agreement. “You should have but you weren’t. I don’t want to spend my life resenting you for that, so I’m not going to. Mum always told us that everything happens for a reason and I believe that. You were meant to be in London and I was meant to here. We all struggled with mum’s death but in different ways.” Lottie gets off of the counter and hugs her brother quickly. “I know you struggled with it a lot but you’ve come a long way. She’d be proud of you for that.”

Louis is getting emotional from Lottie’s words. For only being 21, she’s wise beyond her years. She’s had to grow up so much given the circumstances and she’s done it in stride. She’s transformed into such an incredible woman. 

“Mum would be more proud of you, Lots.”

Lottie snorts. “It’s not a competition of who she would be more proud of. She would be proud of all of us because we’ve managed to keep living without her. It’s fucking hard and I miss her everyday but we all know it’s what she wanted. That’s why even on the hardest of days, I suck it up and keep living because she can’t and it’s what she wanted for us.”

“You’re so much like her. You know that, right?” 

“What do you mean?” Lottie asks curiously.

“She was always such an optimist.. Even when she knew she was going to die, she always saw the bright side of things. She lived her life with such happiness even when most people wouldn’t be able to find the happiness in that situation. She always did.. And that’s exactly what you do.”

Lottie shakes her head. “I could never be as amazing as mum was but I try to live my life like she would have wanted me to.”

“Well, you’re doing everything exactly right.”

“Mum always wanted me to go to college.” Lottie comments out of nowhere. 

Louis knows this. He hindered her from going and that’s one of the things that he feels most guilty for. “I know.” He whispers. He can’t speak any louder because his heart is lodged in his throat. 

“I finally get to go.” Lottie reveals. 

Louis deadpans. “What?” He asks, making sure he heard her correctly. 

“It’s finally the right time. The littles are going to be going to Year 1 in the fall so I won’t have them during the days anymore. Sam is moving in and he said he’d help with whatever I need. Dan said he would help out too when he has the littles on the weekends.” Lottie looked overwhelmed to finally tell Louis. “You’re the first sibling who knows so you have to keep it a secret. I don’t want them thinking that I won’t have enough time for them anymore if I go.” 

Louis wraps his sister into a hug. “I’m so happy for you, Lots. This is big news. This is great news!”

Lottie hugs him back. “You were always the first one I told things to growing up so I thought you should be the first one I told this to.” 

“Your secret is safe with me. I’m so excited for you. You’re going to kick uni’s arse.”

Lottie breaks the hug and smiles at her brother. “How is teaching, by the way?” She asks, changing the subject. “It’s Monday. Shouldn’t you be in classes?”

“Uh, yeah.. About that… I was fired about a week ago.” 

Lottie’s eyes widen in shock. “Louis, what the fuck. What happened?”

Louis doesn’t know if he should tell her everything. He thinks it’s better if she just knows the bare minimum. He doesn’t want her to worry about him. “The dean of my department was a real dickhead. Super homophobic. He always had it out for Zaynie and I. He fired Z about two months before me. He fired me because Harry was my, uh, student..” 

Louis is caught by surprise when Lottie smacks him on the chest. It knocks the wind out of him. He forgot how strong she was and how much her smacks actually hurt. “Were you out of your fucking mind? Harry was your student? Why would you jeopardize your career like that?” She pauses. “And I’m not saying I don’t like Harry because I really, really do but how could you be so stupid?”

Louis walks over to the refrigerator and takes out items to make sandwiches. “Could you help me make sandwiches? I’ll explain if you help.” He knew that Harry would wake up any time now and he wanted to be prepared to go visit his mother’s grave. He thought he would bring a little picnic and tell Harry about her. 

“Deal.” 

“Alright, I met Harry in two of my classes this semester. We both really bonded for being… really fucked up. It wasn’t romantic at first, you’ve got to believe that. I tried to keep my feelings for him in check but it became impossible. I even tried cutting things off after our relationship definitely crossed the more than friends line. I couldn’t stay away from him for long. He found his way back to me. Neither of us could function without the other. I couldn’t help my feelings for him so we just.. Hid our relationship from the school. I knew it was wrong and that I could get fired but a part of me didn’t care because I had him. He’s my best friend, Lots. But now he’s so much more than that. He’s the love of my life. He’s the person I want to spend my life with. I know it sounds silly since I’ve only known him for about six months but it’s how I feel.” 

“The twins were right, you really do got it bad.” Lottie teases fondly. “So how did the dean find out?”

Louis’ cheeks grow hot at the memory. “It’s probably best if I keep the details to a minimum but let’s just say we were in my office and it had nothing to do with class.”

Lottie looks confused for a moment but then realizes what Louis is insinuating. “Gross, Louis. I did not need that visual.” 

Louis shrugged. “You asked.” 

“Did he like catch you in the act or fire you right after it happened?”

“He actually fired me weeks after it happened. He was being ‘nice.’” Louis does air quotations to prove his point. “He started making awful comments about Harry and so I punched him in the face.” 

“Louis!” Lottie gasps but then starts laughing. “You were always the feisty one in the family. You and Fiz.”

“She really is like a girl version of me. I bet you hated that as much as mum did.” 

Lottie shakes her head. “It’s annoying some of the time but it was also comforting. When I missed you, I could just talk to her and it was almost like having you back home… She would always provide the right snarky comments and let me know when I was being an idiot… Just like you.” 

Louis felt bad for the whole situation. It broke his heart that Lottie admitted that she missed him. “Now there’s two of us again. No escaping it.” He jokes instead of addressing the issue. 

“What are these sandwiches for anyway? You got a picnic planned for Harry in Donny?”

“Uh, kinda? I’m.. taking Harry to mum’s grave with me..” 

“Oh.” Lottie says numbly. 

“Yeah.. I haven’t been since her funeral and I just really want to finally visit her. I’m hoping it’ll make me feel closer to her in some way.”

“It could. I feel differently every time I go out there. We take the littles out there once a month to change the flowers on her grave. I go without them sometimes.. On days that I really miss her. Sometimes it helps, other times it makes me feel worse.” Lottie rests her head against Louis’ arms. She’s too short to reach his shoulder. “I really hope it makes you feel better.”

“Me too, little sis.” 

“Well, I should go wake up the littles.” Lottie starts walking out of the kitchen but stops and turns back around. “I really hope you feel close to her when you go.”

“Thank you, Lots. I do too.” 

Lottie leaves the kitchen and Louis is now left with his thoughts by himself. He searches the kitchen for a sack of some kind to pack the sandwiches in. He also finds two juice boxes that will go nicely with the sandwiches. He makes a mental note to go to the grocery and restock the food and drink that he’s taken. 

Louis is about to go upstairs and wake his boyfriend up but Harry beats him to it. Harry stands in the doorway of the kitchen. “Good morning, sleepy.” Louis greets with a smile. 

“Good morning, sunshine.” Harry replies with a sleepy grin. 

“You look like you’re all dressed and ready to go.” Louis comments. Harry has his shoes on and everything.

“I’m ready whenever you are, Lou.” 

Louis takes a deep breath. “I’m as ready as I’ll ever be.” 

The drive to the cemetery is only about ten minutes. The entire time Louis is trying not to have a panic attack. He doesn’t know why he’s so nervous. It’s just a gravestone, he knows this. He also knows that it’s so much more than that. Finally visiting his mother’s grave represents all of the hurt and bad decisions he’s suffered the past three years. He’s finally going to have to address them and really comes to terms with it. Seeing his mother’s grave is going to make all of this real to him. 

Louis parks the car on the road beside the cemetery and gets out of the car. Harry looks over to him, expression full of concern. “How are you feeling?”

“Nervous.”

Harry walks closer to Louis and intertwines their fingers together. Louis’ other hand is carrying the bag of sandwiches. He’s almost certain he’s not going to be able to eat them. His stomach is in knots right now. 

Harry squeezes Louis’ hand reassuringly. “It’s going to be okay.”

Louis glances at Harry. “I know. Or at least it will be.” 

They start walking in the direction of his mother’s grave. Louis is beginning to get blurry flashbacks from her funeral. He remembers making a seen and then leaving but not much else. He doesn’t even remember what he blew up about. He thinks it was something that the priest had said but he honestly doesn’t remember clearly. Louis was such a disrespectful asshole to interrupt his mother’s funeral like that. It is one of his greatest regrets. She would have been so disappointed in him.

“This is it.” Louis informs Harry and stops in his tracks. 

Louis reads her tombstone **Johannah Deakin 1973-2016. Beloved mother, wife, and daughter. His heart grows heavy.** He tries to take a few deep breaths but they come out like wheezes. 

“Lou.” Harry soothes, rubbing his back. “Hey, it’s okay. Shh. We can go if you want. It’s okay to not be ready for something like this.” 

Louis shakes his head. “I’m ready. I am. Let’s just sit down. I just need to catch my breath.” 

“Okay, Lou.” Harry mumbles and sits down on the grass next to Jay’s grave. 

Louis sits down as well. He’s so close to the grave that he can touch it. “I’m so sorry it’s taken me so long to come here.” Louis whispers to the grave as if she were really there. “I was always late to everything, though so I’m sure you saw this coming.”

Louis looks to Harry for guidance. Harry nods and encourages him to keep going. “I think you should say everything that you’ve wanted to get off of your chest. Maybe things that you would want her to know.”

Louis nods in understanding. “Okay..” He takes another deep breath. “I abandoned our family, mum. I didn’t keep my promise for a long time and I’m so sorry. I’m trying to make it right. I’m going to make it right.” He pauses to think about what to say next. “I’m an alcoholic. Or at least I was. I met an amazing man that’s helped me with that.” Harry wraps his arms Louis and cuddles into him. “You would just adore him, mum. He’s everything that you always said you wanted me to find. Now, that I found him, I’m never letting him go.” Harry kisses Louis on the cheek at his revelation. 

“I’m said man.” Harry says quietly, making Louis laugh. It is just what Louis needed to stop his nerves. 

“I’m going to stop talking to her grave now because she would have hated this.” 

“What would she have wanted you to do?” Harry wonders.

“She would have wanted me to talk about the good times. When she was alive. Like favorite memories and such.”

“What is one of your favorite memories with your mum?” 

“I have so many.” Louis thinks for a few seconds. “The memory that really sticks out to me most is one of the first memories I remember clearly. I was five. It was one of the last days I was an only child. Mum was super pregnant with Lottie. Her due date was coming up so she took me out of school to spend the day with me. It was one of my favorite days. She took me to all of my favorite places, let me have ice cream, and brought me to my favorite restaurant. At the end of the night, she tucked me into bed. She read me my favorite story and she told me ‘No matter how many more babies I have, you’ll always be my first baby, my special baby’. She told me that I was going to be the best big brother and I had to look after this baby. That really stuck with me and I made sure to be around for my younger siblings as much as I could. Until… you know.” Normally, this memory would make Louis cry. This is the first time that he’s thought about it and actually smiled.

“That sounds like such a good day, Lou. Your mother sounds so wonderful. It’s so sweet that she took you on a day full of adventure so you didn’t feel left out once Lottie came along.” 

Louis smiles, he feels so reminiscent. “That’s just the type of person my mum was. She never wanted her children to feel sad or left out. Even though all of us kids are several years apart, she always found ways to include all of us. We always had a fun time as a family. You never hear of families actually having fun during family time but I can truthfully tell you that we always did. It was all my mum. She was the glue that kept everything together.”

“Don’t you think that you all are the glue, too? You all are still one big happy family. She raised you all right.”

“She really did.” Louis sighs. “I wish you could have met her, H. That’s the one thing I wish she could have witnessed before she passed. She always said she wanted to see me in love.”

“She does see it. She may not be here in person but she sees it.”

“Then I’m sure she’s smiling up in heaven right now.”

“I’m almost certain she is, babe.” Harry says, smiling at Louis. His eyes are shining with unshed tears. Louis’ were the same but for once, neither were crying because of sadness. These are happy tears. They are happy because Louis is finally fully coming to terms with his mother’s death. They are happy because they found each other. They are happy because they are so in love with each other.

Louis and Harry leave Doncaster two days later. Louis doesn’t want to leave his family again but school is getting ready to start for both sets of twins and Louis needs to start looking so open teaching positions. He knows that this isn’t a goodbye. He will see them all very soon. 

Doris is crying when they get ready to leave because she doesn’t want Harry to leave. She is clinging onto Harry neck as he holds her. “You can’t leave, pretty Harry. You just got here.”

“I know, pretty Dottie. But we’ve got to go back to our home now. We’ll be back very soon. I promise.”

“Pinkie?” Doris asks, extending her pinkie to Harry. Harry wraps his pinkie around hers. There is a stark size difference in their hands that Doris’ pinkie is completely engulfed by Harry’s. “I’m gonna miss you, pretty Harry.

“I’ll miss you too, pretty Dottie.” Doris hugs Harry harder.

“Where’s my hug, Doris? I’m your brother, after all.”

“But I’m hugging pretty Harry.” Doris answers matter-of-factly.

Harry laughs smugly at the child’s comment. “Fine, you little shit.” Louis jokes and plants a kiss on Doris’ forehead. “Do I at least get a hug from you, Ernie?”

“Duh.” Ernie responds and jumps into Louis’ arms. Louis hugs him tight. He is going to miss all of his hyper shenanigans. He finally lets Ernest down after about a minute of hugging him.

“Bubby.” Daisy says and wraps her arms around her brother. 

“You too, Pheobs.” Louis says, beckoning his sister to join the hug. 

“Gonna miss you.” Phoebe says against Louis’ chest.

“I’m going to miss you both too.” 

“Come back next month, _at least._” Daisy asks even though it sounds more like a demand. 

“I will.” Louis lets go of them. “You’ve got to stop growing. Next time I’m here I think both of you are going to be taller than me.”

Fizzy snorts next to him. “It doesn’t take much.” 

Louis flips her off. “You better watch it.” He jokes. 

“Or what? You’re going not come home for three years? Oh, wait you’ve already done that.” Fizzy’s words wound him a little bit but he knows that she’s joking by the look on her face. She gets her morbid sense of humor from him. 

“Oh, fuck off and give me a hug.” 

“Fine. If I have to.” Fizzy huffs but gratefully wraps her arms around Louis. 

“Love you, brother.” 

“I love you, Fiz.” 

They part and Fizzy chuckles. “I hope you know that now that I have your number again I will be texting you nonstop. Can’t get rid of me now.” She jokes.

“Wouldn’t dream of it.” 

Lottie is the last one Louis has to hug. He doesn’t know why but this feels like his hardest farewell. He and his sister have really bonding the last few days. They were sort of close before he left years ago but now he feels like he can consider her both a friend and a sister. 

“Really going to miss you here, I’ve gotta admit. It’s been much calmer with you here.” Lottie says honestly. 

“I’m going to miss you too, Lots. You have no idea.” They hug each other tighter. 

Harry hugs each of Louis’ siblings with Doris still on his side. She refuses to let go until the last possible second. Louis finds it adorable. 

“Bye, Harry. Bye, Louis.” Each sibling responds scatteredly as the two men walk out of the door.

“It’s not goodbye. Never again. It’s see you soon, okay?” 

A few of his siblings roll their eyes playfully at his comment but blow him kisses anyway. Harry and Louis get into the vehicle. The last thing Louis sees before turning the corner is his siblings waving see you soon, not goodbye.

*H*

After going to Doncaster with Louis and seeing how well that went, Harry knows that it’s time to go to Holmes Chapel. He went back before his stay at the hospital stay but he went alone. He knows now that he needs to go back home with Louis. He finally needs to tell his mum and sister who he really is. He needs to tell them about the love of his life, his reason for being on this earth, his happiness. He needs to tell them about Louis. 

Harry stays quiet about it for a few days after they return home from Doncaster. He likes that Louis is in such a better mood than before. He’s so happy that his boyfriend is happy. His family calls him every night before the littles go to bed. They always include Harry and treat him like part of the family. He _does_ feel like a part of the family. That’s going to be his family for the rest of his life since he’s with Louis. However, he has his own family, too. It’s eating away at him that they don’t know such a big part of him. 

Harry finally cracks on the fourth day back home. He and Louis are sitting on the couch. Louis is searching for open teaching positions at other universities. Harry was doing class work but he stopped because thoughts of home were plaguing his mind. 

“I think we should go to Holmes Chapel.” Harry announces.

Louis looks at his boyfriend and closes his laptop. “We?”

“Yes, we. It’s time that they know about you.” Harry pauses to think. “Actually, it’s time they know about me… the real me.” 

“What’s brought this on?” Louis asks curiously.

“Because I saw how well it went with your family. I want that. I want to be able to look my mum in the eye and tell you that I’m gay. I want her to hug me and tell me that she loves me. I want my sister to make inappropriate jokes about it and have my mum scold her for being an idiot. I just want that moment.”

“You’ve really thought about this, haven’t you?”

Harry nods. “Everyday since we got back.”

“Then why didn’t you tell me sooner? You know I’ll come with you and be with you every step of the way.” 

“I know you will. I just didn’t want to ruin your good mood. You’ve been so happy since we got back home.” 

Louis takes Harry’s hand in his own and rubs his thumb on top of Harry’s hand soothingly. “It wouldn’t ruin my good mood, baby. All I want for you is to be happy. If you want to go to Holmes Chapel, then we’ll go to Holmes Chapel.”

“You really think that I’m ready to finally go through with this?” Harry wonders, suddenly feeling insecure. 

“I _know_ you are, H. You’re so fucking strong. You can do it. They’re your family and they’re going to love you no matter what.” 

“My dad didn’t though.” Harry chimes in. 

“Well, your dad’s opinion of you doesn’t fucking matter. If he couldn’t see how amazing you are then fuck him.”

Harry smiles thoughtfully at his boyfriend. “I love you.” 

“I love you too, Harry.” Louis brings Harry’s hand to his lips and kisses the top of it softly. “WE’re going to get through this. It’s all going to be okay.”

“I hope you’re right.”

“I _am_ right.” 

Harry calls his mother the next day to let her know that he’s going to come home in a few days. His mother is delighted by the news. He calls Gemma next and explains that he needs her to come home in a few days and that it’s important. She’s confused as to what could be so important that he couldn’t tell her over the phone but she agrees anyway.

Three days later, Harry and Louis are driving to Holmes Chapel. It’s weird to drive there since Harry always just uses the train. He is constantly bouncing his legs anxiously. He doesn’t think he’s ever been so nervous to go home before. 

Louis pulls into his childhood home’s driveway. His mother’s car is not in the driveway but his sister’s is. Harry thinks this is good. He can wean himself into this. He can tell his sister first and then tell his mother. Gemma is a lot less intimidating. And besides, she acted like she already knew that Louis was more than a friend when she drove him to the train station on that fateful night. Harry could do this. 

The front door is unlocked so he lets himself in. His sister must hear someone coming in because she rushes down the stairs. She has a big smile on her face.

“Baby brother!” She says happily. She wraps her arms around him quickly. Harry hugs her back. “And friend?” She says referring Louis when she lets go of her brother. 

“This is Louis.” Realization washes over Gemma’s features. “My boyfriend.” The words just poured out of Harry. He’d been rehearsing in his head on the drive here how to tell his sister. Now that she is standing in front of him, he knows in his heart that his sister would never judge him for being gay. 

“Really ripping the band-aid off. Aren’t you, babe?” 

Gemma snorts at Louis’ comment and then laughs. “You’re funny.” She says to Louis and then turns to Harry. “He’s funny. I like him already.” 

Gemma is smiling like Harry didn’t just tell her his best kept secret. “Yeah…” Harry says slowly. 

“I already knew.” Gemma clarifies. 

“What do you mean you already knew?” 

“‘He’s my person, ya know?’ You made it super fucking obvious, baby brother. With all that sappy shit.” She makes a disgusted face at the mention of sappy. 

Louis laughs at Gemma’s comment. Harry already knows that they are going to get along great. They were already playfully making fun of Harry which is always the key to Gemma’s heart. 

“I’m Gemma, by the way. Nice to meet you, boyfriend of my baby brother.” Gemma says, throwing her arms around Louis. 

“I can’t tell you how nice it is to finally meet you. Harry talks about you all of the time.” Louis says once they’ve separated. 

“Oh, so now I have a reputation to uphold. How am I doing?” Gemma asks playfully. 

“Pretty damn well, actually.” Louis jokes. 

“What the fuck is even happening?” Harry asks. His mind is actually being blown with how well this went. It seems like Gemma has already accepted Louis as one of her own. 

“I’m getting to know your boyfriend, what does it look like?” Gemma responds with a wicked grin. She locks her arm with Louis’ and escort them to the kitchen. “How about I make us some tea?” 

“I’d love a cup of tea.” Louis chimes in. 

“Speaking of, where is mum and when is she coming home?”

Louis and Harry sit down at the table while Gemma starts making the tea. “Is that why you came home? To tell mum?” 

Harry nods. “Yeah.” 

“She’ll be home in a little while. She’s getting coffee with an old friend. She should be home anytime now.” 

Harry takes deep breaths. “Okay.” 

“I’m proud of you, by the way. That took guts.”

“Yeah?” 

“Yeah.” Gemma confirms. “You know I don’t give a fuck if you want to love a guy. You’re my little brother and I love you.”

“Awh, Gems.” Harry says with a dimpled grin. He’s never heard his sister be so sincere. “I love you, too.” 

Gemma makes a face. “Okay, enough with the sappy shit. You know I support you. Let’s leave it at that.” She says with a laugh. “You know, I kissed a girl once.” 

“Really?” Harry asks in surprise.

“Scandalous.” Louis comments with a dramatic gasp. 

This makes Gemma full body laugh. “You’re fucking hilarious, Louis. We’re going to get along great.”

They hear a car pull into the driveway and a door slam shut. Harry’s heart begins to race. He’s really about to tell his mum that he’s gay. He doesn’t know if he can to this. Louis can sense Harry’s panic and plants a short kiss on Harry’s lips.

“It’s going to be okay. I promise.” 

Gemma makes fake gagging noises. “You guys are gross. I don’t want to see all of the sappy in love shit.” Gemma’s reaction is just what he needed to break the tension. Gemma holds to cups of tea in her hands and walks towards the stairs. “Louis, come with me. This is probably something he should do alone. 

Louis looks at Harry expectantly. “Go. I’ll be alright.” Harry reassures. Louis kisses him one last time and follows Gemma up the stairs. 

Anne doesn’t come inside for another few minutes. Harry waits in the entrance to the kitchen. He leans on the wall for balance. He’s afraid if he doesn’t lean on the wall, he’ll topple over from the nerves. 

“Hi, sweetie. Sorry it took me so long to come inside. I was talking to the neighbors. Whose car is parked in our driveway?”

“Just my.. Friend. He’s upstairs with Gemma.” 

“Okay.. Why don’t you bring him down. I’d love to meet him.”

“In a minute..” 

Anne looks at her son suspiciously. “Okay… What’s going on with you? You don’t really seem like you. Are you feeling alright?” 

“Yeah, mum. I feel fine.”

“Alright, well how about I make us a cup of tea.” Anne says, walking into the kitchen.

“Gems already made some. I think there’s enough left for you.”

Anne smiles warmly. “Wonderful. Let me get that right now.” She scurries around the kitchen, completely unaware of what Harry is about to tell her. Harry takes a good look at his mother. He makes sure to memorize her face and how she looks at him before he tells her. He’s hopeful that she will take the news well but braces himself for the worst.

“Could you come sit down a minute?”

“Sure, Harry. What is it?”

“I really wanted to talk to you about something. I can’t keep it a secret from you anymore.”

“Okay, honey… What is it?” Anne wonders as she sits down at the table on the opposite side of Harry. She cradles her tea in her hands.

“It’s just. Um..” Harry wills himself to be brave. He pictures Louis’ smiling face to help him through this. “Mum, I’m…” He pauses again to take a deep breath. He looks at his mother who is looking at him curiously. He can do this. “I’m gay.” 

Anne’s face softens as Harry’s words sink in. She is silent for about ten seconds. Tears well in her eyes. “My baby boy.” She murmurs quietly and rests her hand on top of Harry’s. 

“I just needed you to know that.”

Her grip on Harry’s hand tightens. “Honey…” Harry braces himself for the worst. “I’m glad you told me. I’m thankful that you trust me enough to tell me something like that.”

“So, you’re okay with it? Okay with me being.. Gay?”

“You’re my son, Harry. You’re my baby boy. I’m going to love you no matter what. All I care about is that you’re happy and healthy.”

“Oh..” Harry says slowly. It’s hard for him to comprehend that both his mum and his sister took the news so well. He truly has an amazing family and support system. 

“Come here. Let me hug my baby.” Anne says, getting up from her chair and outstretching her arms. 

Harry stands up from his chair as well and lets himself be wrapped in his mother’s arms. Anne hugs him tightly. Harry really needed this hug from his mum. He needed this validation that she’s okay with him being gay. He needed to know that she is still going to love him. This hug told him everything that he needed to hear.

“I love you so much, Harry.” 

Harry nuzzles himself into his mother’s hair. He used to do this when he was younger. He somehow feels nine years old again. He would always stay up until his mum got home from work and rushed to hug her as soon as she got through the door. “I love you too, mum.” 

They stay hugging for several more seconds. Each are basking in the love that the other radiates. Anne finally releases him from her hold and sits back down. 

“So that boy up stairs..” Anne asks.

“My boyfriend... Louis.” Harry confirms with a smile.

“Oh, honey. You have a boyfriend. That’s so wonderful.” Anne says cheerily. 

“He’s not a girl obviously but I finally brought you home someone to meet.” Harry repeats the words that his mother said when he was home weeks ago.

“I’m such a knob, aren’t I?” Anne says with a chuckle. “I should have known.” 

“Did you not? Know, I mean… Did you not ever suspect?” Harry asks curiously. 

“Of course I suspected. A mother knows her son… I had always wondered about Aiden and that whole situation..” 

Harry takes a deep breath. It’s finally time to tell his mum the whole story. “You wondered right, mum.”

“Oh, honey…” Anne brings a hand to her mouth in surprise.

“Can I tell you the whole story?” Harry asks, tentatively. Anne nods. “Aiden was my first boyfriend.. My only boyfriend. Other than Louis… Anyway, we had just started dating. He was out to his family so they obviously didn’t let me stay over there. He and I had dinner with dad that night. I guess we were being flirty or something but dad was so rude to him. We didn’t stay down there much longer because dad started drinking and you know..” Anne nods in understanding. “I had never kissed a boy before or anyone for that matter. So, Aiden kissed me. That one kiss finally confirmed to me that I was gay. I had always thought boys were cute but I thought maybe I just hadn’t met the right girl yet. Well, dad walked in on Aiden and I kissing and we went completely mad. I didn’t know what was happening until dad through Aiden off of me and knocked him unconscious.” Harry shudders at the memory. “Dad started beating me. He screamed that I was a fag and that god didn’t love me anymore and that I was going to hell.”

Anne has tears streaming down her face by the time Harry finishes speaking. “Oh, honey.” She covers her mouth tightly to keep the sobs in check. 

Harry decides to keep talking. If he doesn’t, he’ll probably start crying with his mother. “Aiden and his family moved away and we never got to talk about what happened. The first time I saw him was at the market a few weeks ago. We finally got to talk about things and I finally got closure on the situation. I was so happy to know that what happened with dad didn’t fuck up his life. Not like it had mine.”

“What do you mean, sweetie?” Anne asks, devastation growing on her face.

“Things got bad… bad for a long time. I didn’t love myself. Hated myself, actually. I completely closeted who I was in fear that nobody would love me. I.. hurt myself. I didn’t think I was ever going to get any better. I had accepted that my life was going to be sad and lonely and devoid of any real connections. That’s until I met Louis. He showed me that it is okay to be gay. That it’s okay to not be okay. He’s helped me through so much, mum. He helped me to begin to love myself. I don’t think I would have ever come out to you or anyone else if it wasn’t for him. He’s the most amazing man I’ve ever known.” Harry takes a deep breath. All of the words flew out of him so quickly that he is out of breath. “I love him, mum. He saved me. Truly. I don’t know what I would do without him.”

Anne has a continuous stream of tears leaving her eyes. “I never knew you were feeling so awful, honey. I’m so sorry that I wasn’t there for you. You could have come to me.”

“I know that now. I’m sorry that I’ve been so closed off for all these years. I’m trying to get better at it. Just know that I’m okay and I’m happy. You never have to worry about me again. I promise.”

Anne wipes her eyes and fixes her posture. “Can I meet him? Louis. I want to thank him for everything that he’s done to help you.”

A small smile etches itself on Harry’s face. “I’d like that very much, mum.” Harry stands up from the kitchen table. “Let me go get him.” 

“Does Gemma know?” Anne asks. Harry stops in his tracks and smiles.

“Yeah, she knows. I told her just before you came home.” Harry laughs at the memory. “She claims that she already knew. Something about me being too sappy when I talked about Lou to her.”

Anne lets out a watery laugh. “Sounds like Gems.” 

“She and Louis already get along great, though. Both are little hellions.”

“Sounds like two peas in a pod.” Anne replies fondly. 

“I’ll be right back.” Harry informs and rushes up the stairs. 

Harry hears laughter on the other side of Gemma’s door. He knocks twice. “Door’s unlocked.” Gemma yells obnoxiously. Harry lets himself in. 

“How did it go?” Louis asks, standing up from Gemma’s desk chair. Concern is evident on his face.

“Good. Really good, actually. She wants to meet you.”

Louis’ face grows pale. “Are you sure?” 

Harry smiles at him. “Yes, I’m sure.”

“I’ve got to be honest, I’m really fucking nervous right now. I mean, this is you mum.” 

Gemma snorts. “Don’t be a pussy. Mum is really easy to talk to. And she has run up here with knives and pitchforks so I’d say you’re good.” 

Louis flips off Gemma. Harry reaches for Louis’ other hand and intertwines their fingers. “It’s going to be okay. I can tell, she already loves you.” 

Louis flashes him a small smile. “You talk me up?”

Harry giggles. “Maybe a little bit.” 

“Come on, you lovebirds. I’m sure mum is waiting.” Gemma says impatiently. She hops off of her bed and walks past Harry and Louis. 

“You’re coming down?” Harry asks. 

“Of course. I’m not missing the chance of seeing this one shit himself from meeting mum.”

“Oh, fuck off.” Louis responds, cracking a smile. 

The three of them walk down the stairs and into the kitchen. Anne stands up when she spots Louis among her children. She takes a good look at him before walking over to him. 

“I’m Anne. You must be Louis.”

Louis lets go of Harry’s hand to shake Anne’s. Anne completely bypasses the hand shake and pulls Louis into a hug. Louis looks caught by surprise but hugs back immediately. 

“It’s really nice to meet you, Anne. You’re prettier than Harry described.” 

Anne beams at him. “Aren’t you a charmer? Your mother must be so proud.” Anne says conversationally. 

Harry sees Louis tense up at his mother’s words. “She is, yeah.” 

Anne smiles warmly at him. “Well why don’t we all sit down. I’d love to get to know the man who’s been making my baby boy so happy.” 

“Mum.” Harry groans. His mum can be so embarrassing with her pet names. She tells them to everyone. Obviously, Louis isn’t an exception.

“Of course.” Louis says and takes a seat next to Harry. 

Gemma and Anne sit on the opposite side. 

“So, where did you two meet?”

“Class.”

“Coffee shop.” Louis says at the same time as Harry says his answer.

“We met at a coffee shop right before we also had class together.” Harry clarifies. Louis chuckles nervously. Harry wanted to wait a little while before explaining to his family how he and Louis actually met. He knows his mum will be wary of that and he doesn’t want her opinion to be negatively shaped just because of that one minor detail. 

“That’s really sweet. Was there an instant connection?” 

“I don’t know about him, but there was for me.” Louis says, glancing at his boyfriend.

“There was for me too.” Harry grins. 

Gemma makes gagging noises. “You guys are honestly disgusting.”

Harry’s eyes narrow at his sister. “Don’t you have a boyfriend?” 

Gemma scoffs. “Yeah, but we’re not disgustingly in love like you two are.”

“Gemma, be nice. Your brother has finally found someone. Be happy for him.”

“I _am_ happy for him.” Gemma insists. “I just don’t want to see or hear about it.” She jokes.

Harry sticks his tongue out at her. She’s always going to tease him because that’s her job as a big sister but Harry knows that she elated that he’s happy. 

“I appreciate it, Gems. I’ll keep the sappy shit to a minimum.” Anne asks Louis a question so Harry leans over the table and whispers to his sister. “We’ll save that for home. If you know what I mean.” He over exaggeratedly winks to further prove his point.

Gemma pretends to throw up in her mouth. “La la la la. I’m not listening, you pervert.” 

Anne flashes both of her children disapproving looks. “What was that?”

Harry throws his hands up in surrender. “Nothing, mum.” 

“That’s what I thought.” Anne replies and turns her attention back to Louis. “So you said that you and Harry had classes together. Which ones?”

“Senior Lit and Creative Writing.” 

Anne grins. “If I remember correctly, Harry said those were his favorite classes this term.” 

“Mum.” Harry groans, putting his face in his hands. He didn’t need his mother telling Louis that.

Louis flashes Harry and knowing smile. “They were mine too.” 

“You said the professor was one of your favorites, too. Didn’t you, dear?” 

Harry can see the laugh that Louis is trying to hold in. “I did.” Harry mutters.

“What did you think of him, Louis?” 

“He was alright. Had a bit of a soft for Harry, if I’m honest.”

Harry bites his bottom lip to keep from turning into a mess of giggles. Louis is definitely being a little shit right now. “Maybe just a bit.” Harry admits, smile creeping on his face.

Anne cooks dinner for them all and she continues to pester them with questions about their relationship. Normally, Harry would be annoyed that his mother would ask so many questions but he’s glad that she’s making an effort to get to know her boyfriend. Gemma throws in her inappropriate comments at every chance she can get. Louis is so amused by her. It meets Harry so happy that Louis and his sister get along so well. 

After several hours, Harry and Louis head upstairs to bed. Both are exhausted by the emotional day’s events. Neither have much to say other than how happy they are that the day turned out so well. Both fall asleep wrapped in the other.

Harry wakes up the next morning to an empty bed. He wipes the sleep out of his eyes and gets out of bed. He wonders where Louis went off too. He’s probably with Gemma. He walks to her room and knocks on the door. He doesn’t get an answer but lets himself in anyway. Gemma is sound asleep. Harry carefully shuts the door. He then hears two voices downstairs speaking. He doesn’t want to interrupt the conversation between Louis and his mother. He sits at the bottom of the stairs to eavesdrop on their conversation just in case he needs to rescue his boyfriend.

“How do you take you tea, love?” Anne asks.

“A dash of milk is fine. Thanks, Anne.” 

“It’s no problem. I always make tea every morning. It’s a good way to start the day.” 

“That’s what my mum used to do as well. She made a cup of tea for each of my siblings every morning. There’s seven of us so it was a handful but she managed.”

“I’m sorry to ask… but you said used to?” 

Harry hears Louis sigh. “I didn’t want to say anything yesterday but my mother passed away three years ago. Cancer.” 

“Oh, honey… I’m so sorry to hear that.” 

“It’s okay… Harry really helped me through it. I’m probably oversharing a little bit but I was going through a rough time before I met Harry. I wasn’t really coping with my mother’s death. He really showed me that it is okay to grieve.”

“I’m really glad that you’ve found each other.” Anne says. Harry can hear the smile in her voice. 

“I am too. I don’t know what I’d do without him.” 

“Speaking of.. I wanted to thank you, Louis. From the bottom of my heart.” 

“For what?” 

“For helping my son. He told me yesterday about the awful time he was having before he met you. I always knew that he was hurting more than he let on but I didn’t know that it got that bad. I want to thank you for making him so happy and letting him know that it’s okay to be himself.”

“You don’t need to thank me… I would move the sun and the moon for Harry if I could. I love him very much, Anne. I’ll take care of your son as best as I can.” Louis’ words put a big, dopey grin on Harry’s face. He can’t believe Louis is admitting all of this to his mum right now. 

“I believe it. You seem to care for my son so much. It makes me so happy as a mother to see how he is with you. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him this happy.”

“He makes me very happy as well.”

“I have a favor to ask of you.” Anne says out of the blue.

“Anything.” 

“I know that you know about all of the things that have happened with Harry’s father.”

“Yeah.” 

“I’m sure Harry has mentioned that Des is getting released at the end of March?” 

“Yes.” Louis lies. With everything else that has been going on in their lives, Harry didn’t think to mention this to Louis. He already knows he and Louis are going to have a conversation about this. Louis isn’t one to let things as big as this slide. 

“I need you to convince him to get a restraining order. I brought it up to him last time he was here and he said he’d think about it. I need him to feel safe and I don’t think he will without that restraining order.” 

“I completely understand where you’re coming from. I would feel much more comfortable if he had a restraining order as well. I’ll talk to him.”

“Thank you, darling. You really are a joy to have around.” Louis chuckles softly.

“You are too, Anne.” Louis clears his throat and there is rustling at the table. “I should probably go wake Harry up. It’s nearly noon.” 

“Alright. Well, I’ll be down here.”

Harry scurries up the stairs as quietly as possible. He doesn’t want Louis and his mum to know that he was eavesdropping. He runs into the bathroom and only comes out when he hears Louis walking up the stairs.

“Oh, hey. You’re awake.” Louis greets with a bright smile.

“I am.” Harry replies as normally as possible.

“I think we should talk.. When you’ve got a minute.” Louis really wasn’t wasting any time to discuss what his mother wants him to discuss.

“Do you think I could take you somewhere first?”

Louis narrows his eyes in confusion but nods anyway. “Sure, babe.” 

They both walk into Harry’s childhood bedroom to change. Louis pulls on a pair of black jeans and the sweater that was once Harry’s. Harry changes into black jeans as well and throws on a flannel. 

Harry plans on taking Louis some place that is really special to him. It has some dark memories but he’s choosing to think of the good this place was for him. This place used to be his solace, his safe place. 

Both men walk down the stairs. Harry walks into the kitchen to say good morning to his mother. She’s still sitting at the kitchen table where Louis left her. 

“Good morning, mum.” 

Anne smiles brightly at her son. “Good morning, sweetie.” She notices that both men are where jackets and looking like they are about to be leaving. “Going somewhere?”

“Uh, yeah. I just wanted to show Lou a few places around town. If that’s okay.”

Anne dismisses the comment. “Of course it is. You two have fun.”

Harry turns to leave but then remembers he needs something. “Could I borrow your notepad?”

Anne looks at him, clearly confused. “Sure, honey.” She gets up from the table and retrieves her pen and pad of paper. She hands them to Harry.

“Thanks, mum. Love you.” Harry plants a kiss on her cheek and speeds out of the door. Louis scurries after after.

“Bye, Anne.” Louis yells as he shuts the front door. 

Harry is already speeding down the block by the time Louis catches up with him. Louis silently follows him. He doesn’t really want to ask questions. Harry is too deep inside of his thoughts to pay much attention to anything other than walking towards his destination. 

“So where are we going?” Louis finally asks after fifteen minutes of mindlessly following Harry.

“I’m taking you somewhere that’s really special to me.”

“Okay.” Louis responds quietly. They fall back into silence. 

They walk in silence for another ten minutes until Harry stops in front of a fence with a lot of bushes. They are perched up on a hill. Louis looks at Harry in confusion. Harry simply shrugs and steps on a plank of the fence. 

“We’re going down there?” Louis asks, clearly confused. 

“Yeah. It’s safe, trust me.” Harry extends his hand for Louis to take. Louis does and they make their way down the hill. 

Harry smiles and the open field that is directly underneath the train tracks. This is the place that he felt safest when he lived in Holmes Chapel. This is where he would go to escape his father after he would pass out from the alcohol. 

“So.. what is this place?” Louis asks curiously.

“This was my safe place. I would always take a walk after my dad would pass out. I would walk the entire town some nights. One day, I stumbled upon this place. Like actually stumbled. I nearly fell down the entire way when I stepped up on the board on the fence.” Harry chuckles at the memory. He’s always been clumsy. “I’ve been coming here since I was about ten. I was probably too young to be coming out here alone but it’s not like my dad had kept track of me.” Harry sits on the ground against the brick column of one of the pillars keeping the train tracks stable. “It’s so quiet and peaceful down here. It was the only place I could come and clear my head when things at home got really bad.”

“I think it’s beautiful here, H.” Louis sits down next to Harry. “No wonder you like it here so much.” 

Harry nods but doesn’t respond. Neither man speak for several minutes. “I overheard you and my mum talking about my dad and the restraining order.” 

“Fuck.. Harry, I’m sorry baby. I was going to talk to you about it.” Louis responds, resting a comforting hand on Harry’s knee.

“I know you were.” Harry sighs. “I’m going to get the restraining order. It’s what mum wants and it’s the best thing for my safety. I already know what he’s capable of.. Or at least was. Who knows what he’s like now that he can’t drink in prison.” Harry chuckles drily. “I guess I haven’t thought about it much. I like to imagine that he doesn’t exist anymore.”

“But he does, H. He could still be violent and that’s not a chance I’m willing to take with you. Your safety is all that I care about.”

“I know, Lou. I appreciate that you care so much and you’ve been helping my mum with it a little bit. It makes me happy that you two are getting along so well and that she trusted you enough to come talk to me about this.” 

“Your mother is lovely, Harry. She just wants what’s best for you. Same as me.”

“I don’t know what I would do without you.. Or my mum.” Harry says and then sits quietly. His thoughts engulf him once more. 

“I never asked. What is the pen and paper for?” Louis asks, gesturing at the contents in Harry’s hands.

“Oh, yeah.. Well, I think I’m going to write my dad a letter. I have a lot that I want to say and I’ll never be able to say it to his face. Writing is basically the only way I can get my feelings out in the open so I thought I would come here and write it.”

“I think that’s a good idea, H.”

Harry rests the notepad on his lap and clicks the pen so he can write. He sits there for a minute not writing anything. He tries to compose his thoughts clearly. He’s trying to figure out what he want to convey to his father through his writing. Once the pen hits the paper, it all flows out of him. Everything he’s wanted to say to his father is finally going to be expressed. 

It takes Harry about fifteen minutes to write down everything he wanted to say. He had to scribble out a few things that didn’t fit but he’s read it over and is happy with what he’s written. “Okay.. I’m finished.”

“Read me your letter, H. If you say it out loud, maybe it’ll help you release some of the anger and resentment you have towards him.”

Harry nods but feels his anxiety coarse through his body. “Okay..” Harry takes a deep breath and holds up his letter to read. “‘Dear Des, I know that I’m calling you by your real name but I feel as though you have lost the privilege to be called my father. I’m writing this letter because you are getting out of prison soon. I’m the reason you went to prison but I’m not sorry about that. You were awful to me. You used to beat me for no reason at all. I was just a child. I didn’t deserve that from my father. I’m supposed to look up to you and think that you hung the moon and the stars. I’m writing this letter because I want you to know that I forgive you. You’re a troubled man and I hope that prison has made you a better person. I hope that it’s made you realize that your actions were not okay. I know that you’re my father but I also want you to respect my decision that I don’t want to see you ever again. You’ve caused so much damage and hurt in my life. You made me believe something was wrong with me. I believed that for a long time. It even almost cost me my life. I now know that nothing is wrong with me and I’m beginning to love myself. I’m writing this letter to tell you that I’m a proud gay man and that being gay is okay. I know that you don’t think so but I wanted you to know. I wanted you to know that despite the years of abuse and the years of pain that you inflicted on me, that I’m still here and I’m still living. I wanted to thank you for teaching me that the way you see the world with such negativity and anger is not how I want to live my life. I’m going to live my life with a love for life and an openness for others. I truly hope that you change your life around once you get out of prison and learn from your mistakes…. Harry.” Harry folds up the letter and puts it in his back pocket. He looks to Louis for feedback.

Louis’ eyes are filled with tears but he also looks so unbelievably proud of Harry. “I think what you wrote is amazing, H. _You’re_ amazing. That took so much courage to write a letter like that to the person that hurt you so much. You’re such a caring and compassionate person.” Louis leans over to Harry and kisses him on the cheek. “I’m honestly in awe of you right now.”

“You really think it’s okay? Is it even worth it to send it?”

“I think the words that you wrote were honest and raw. Who knows if it is worth it to send to him but I think that you should anyway. He can take it any way he wants to. He can choose to ignore the words that you’ve written and continue living his life in anger and then he’ll begin choosing a really lonely and unhappy life. Or he could take this letter as a sign that he should change. I hope it is the second one but it’s not your problem anymore, baby. You’ve said what you’ve wanted to say and now you get to move on and start fresh.”

Harry intertwines his fingers with Louis’. “I already have.”

Louis smiles fondly at Harry. They are quiet once more but it is a peaceful, comfortable silence that falls upon them. Harry rests his head on Louis’ shoulder.

“You know, I drew my name with a stone on one this wall. It was years ago so I doubt it’s still there. It was kind of like my claim. This is my place.”

Louis looks at him curiously. “First off, I wouldn’t take you as someone who vandalizes. My little rebel.” He smirks. “Secondly, the stone just wrote on there so easily?”

“That’s the one and only time I’ve done something like that. It just felt right, though. But yeah, the stone drew on there super easily.”

Louis gets up off of the ground and searches for a stone. He picks up the stone and presses it against the stone above the brick wall. Harry is incredibly endeared because Louis has to step on a loose brick since he’s not tall enough to reach the stone on his own. Louis draws he and Harry’s names in bold letters. He adds a plus sign in between their names. He attempts to draw a heart but it turns out very lopsided and misshapen. Harry appreciates the sentiment, regardless.

“Now it’s our place. You never have to feel like you’re alone ever again. You’ve got me for as long as you want me, H.”

“I want you with me forever, Lou. I never thought I would find someone that I would want to spend my life with. I never thought that was in the cards for me. But you changed everything. You’ve changed me. I don’t know what I would do without you in my life now.” Harry snorts lamely. “I know it sounds dumb and clinche but it feels like we’re tethered together. Like you’re a part of me now.”

“It’s not dumb. I feel it, too. I’ve never felt that way with a person before. Like I wouldn’t be able to survive without the other person.” Louis smiles and chuckles. “So, forever?”

“Forever.” Harry confirms.

Harry and Louis return to Anne’s house to say their goodbyes. Harry knows he could never overstay his welcome at his mum’s but he’s sure that it’s been a stressful few days for her and he wants to give her a break. Gemma is going back home tonight as well so he figures this is the best time to go. 

Harry and Louis quickly walk upstairs and pack up what little things they brought with them. They walk back downstairs and go into the kitchen. Anne is sitting at the table sipping her tea and reading the newspaper. 

“Fancy a cup of tea before you leave?” 

“That would be lovely. Thank you, Anne.” 

Anne smiles warmly at Louis. “I’ll make those right now.” She gets up from the table and gets two cups. “Did you two have a nice walk?” 

“We did.” Harry informs. “Actually, I wanted to talk to you about it, mum.” 

“Alright, what is it?”

“I talked it over with Lou and I’m going to get that restraining order. It is what’s best for me and I’m sorry I didn’t immediately agree with you. There was already a lot on my mind at that time but I will file for one when we get back home.” 

Anne’s face brightens. “Oh, honey… That’s great news. Thank you for telling me. I’ve been worried about it for weeks.”

“I know you have.” Harry thinks about telling her about the letter he wrote but he decides against it. She would advise him to not send the letter and that’s something that he needs to do. It can be he and Louis’ little secret. 

“I’m really proud of you, sweetie.” Anne says, bringing he and Louis their tea.

“Thanks, mum.” 

Harry and Louis drink their tea and chat with Anne. Harry has to admit, he’s going to miss his mum and boyfriend interacting. Both already seem to like each other very much. Harry is so happy that they do. That was the one thing that he was most worried about. Not that he had anything to worry about. Louis is great with people and Harry’s family isn’t an exception. 

Just as Harry and Louis are about to leave, Gemma finally comes downstairs. She must have just woken up. It’s 2:30 pm. “Good morning.” She mumbles.

“Afternoon.” Anne corrects.

“Late night?” Harry wonders.

“Yeah. I was on the phone with Michal most of the night. He went out for drinks and it cracks me up when he’s drunk so I stayed up to talk to him.”

Harry snorts. “Who’s the sappy little shit now?” 

Gemm playfully rolls her eyes. “Still you.” 

Louis laughs. “She’s not wrong.”

Anne interrupts their joke fest to give her son a hug. “Hug your mother.” She commands with a smile. Harry does as he’s told and wraps his arms around her. “I’m going to miss you, my baby boy. It’s been so nice having you here. Both of you.” She says to Louis as well. She kisses Harry on his forehead. 

Anne sweeps Louis into a hug next. “Thank you for making my boy so happy. You’re welcome to come home with him anytime.” 

“Thank you, Anne. We’ll definitely come back soon.”

“Come here, baby brother.” Gemma exclaims and throws him into a bear hug. 

“You’re suffocating me.” Harry groans.

“That’s the point.” Gemma replies before breaking the hug. “Louis.” Gemma wraps her arms around him next. “If you break my brother’s heart, I will kill you. Sound good?” 

“Gemma!” Anne scolds.

Louis laughs it off. “If I ever do that, you have my permission.” Louis reassures.   
“  
Good answer.” Gemma replies with a smile. 

Harry and Louis gear up to leave. They grab their belongings and walk out of the front door. “I love you both!” He yells as they walk to Louis’ car. 

Louis and Harry haven’t had sex since before their incident. Harry knows that Louis doesn’t want to until Harry’s arm is completely healed. He’s been treating him like a porcelain doll. He thinks it’s sweet that Louis is so caring and doesn’t want to do anything to hurt him but he also wants to feel close with his boyfriend. He wants to be intimate with his boyfriend. 

They’ve been back from Holmes Chapel for nearly a week. Louis always wakes up before Harry and showers so Harry doesn’t even get to see his boyfriend naked anymore. He doesn’t know how to bring it up to Louis and it’s really frustrating to him. 

They are watching a television show on the couch. Harry has been pretending to watch for the past hour. He’s been so horny since they’ve been back home but hasn’t wanked because it isn’t the same as having Louis. It’s made him a little moody but Louis hasn’t said anything. Harry has an itch that only Louis can scratch. 

Harry turns to Louis and starts kissing along his jaw and neck. He hears Louis sharply intake a breath but other than that, he doesn’t react. Harry’s hand travels down Louis’ body. He cups Louis length in his hand. It’s quickly hardening but still, Louis doesn’t react. He doesn’t grind his hips to meet Harry’s hand or make the pretty noises that Harry can’t get enough of.

“What are you doing?” Louis whispers, still paying attention to the television screen.

“Wanna make you feel good.” Harry murmurs. His fingers play with the waistband of Louis’ shorts. 

“Harry.” Louis warns and grabs Harry’s hand to keep him from going any further.

“What?” Harry asks impatiently.

“It’s not a good idea.” Louis replies sternly. 

Harry yanks his body away and moves to the opposite side of the couch. “Why won’t you _touch_ me, Louis? It’s been weeks. Every time that I even try you push me away or say that you’re too tired.”

“It’s complicated, Harry. You wouldn’t get it.” 

“Are you not attracted to me anymore? Is that what this is about?” Harry demands. He truly hopes that this isn’t the case. It’s one of his deepest fears. 

“Harry, no! How could you even ask me something like that?” 

“Because that’s the way it looks to me.” 

“Well it’s not.” Louis replies shortly and turns his attention back to the television. 

Harry is so frustrated. He grabs the remote and turns off the television. “Talk to me. _Please._ We always talk to each other. Why aren’t you talking to me about this?”

“Fine! Do you want to know why?” Harry nods. “I can’t touch you because everytime I want to, I remember that you almost died because of me. Everytime I look at your scar, I feel guilty. I feel ashamed that you cut because of _me._ I’m supposed to be your one reason that you don’t cut and you did it so bad that you nearly died. How can I let you make me feel good when I made you feel at your lowest?” Louis looks exhausted and devastated when he tells Harry this. This only makes Harry feel even more frustrated. 

“That’s bullshit and you know it.” 

“It’s not.” Louis reasons.

“If you want to play ‘who’s fault is it?’ then fine. That entire night is _my_ fault. You never would have drank yourself nearly to death if I would have picked up the phone. All of the events that followed were because of me, not you.”

“Harry, that’s ridiculous.” 

“Is it?” Harry asks, defeated. 

“Yes!” 

“Then you need to stop blaming yourself. We’re both alive and okay! Neither of us died that night. We have to move on from that night and move on with our lives.” Harry scoots over on the couch so that he’s touching Louis. Their knees are touching and Harry brings a hand to Louis’ face and caresses his cheek. “Neither of us are broken. Not when we have each other.” 

Louis looks up at Harry and has tears threatening to leave his eyes. “Harry..” Louis whispers, eyes moving to look at Harry’s lips. 

“I’m not a porcelain doll, Louis. I’m not going to break if you touch me.”

Louis tentatively brings a hand up to Harry’s face and cups his cheek. His other hand tangles his fingers in Harry’s hair. Harry moves into the touch. He’s missed these touches so much. The only touches that Louis has allowed since the hospital is wrapping his arms around Harry as if to protect him. Harry doesn’t need protecting, not anymore. 

“So touch me, _please._” Harry begs. 

Louis looks at Harry one more time as if to convince himself not to. He finally gives in and clashes his lips into Harry’s. Harry immediately deepens the kiss. He nibbles at Louis’ bottom lip and flicks his tongue into the other man’s mouth. Louis sighs into the kiss like he’s missed this has much as Harry has. 

Harry climbs on top of his boyfriend and straddles him. He can already feel Louis’ hardening length against his crotch. He cants his hips forward to feel more of this delicious friction that he’s been yearning for for weeks. 

Louis detaches his lips from Harry’s and reattaches them on his neck. He sucks on Harry’s neck right below his ear. He’s aware that it is Harry’s weakness. Harry digs his fingers into Louis’ shoulders and moves his hips more desperately. 

Harry doesn’t want to waste anymore time then he has to since it’s been so long since he’s had Louis like this. Harry moves away from Louis and strips out of his shirt. Louis takes the hint and sheds his shirt as well. Harry clashes his lips against Louis’. He doesn’t stay there for long. His lips travel down Louis’ body. He slides off of Louis’ lap and onto the floor. Louis is already tenting in his shorts and Harry couldn’t wait to get his mouth around him. 

Harry licks down Louis’ happy trail as his fingers toy with the hem of his shorts. Louis huffs out impatiently. “Don’t tease. Not right now.” He whines.

“Wouldn’t dream of it.” Harry responds as he slides Louis’ shorts down his legs. Louis’ erection springs free. The sight in front of Harry makes his mouth water. 

Harry wastes no time in taking Louis’ cock in his hand. Louis sighs contently at the newfound contact. “Fuck, I missed this so much.” He groans out.

“Missed your cock.” Harry whispers. He licks a long stripe from base to tip. Louis shudders at the contact. 

Harry toys with the head. He flicks his tongue along the slit, lapping up a few drops of precome that spurt out. Pretty sounds leave Louis’ mouth. Harry looks up to see Louis staring down at him while biting at his knuckles. While still locking eyes with Louis, he slides his cock into his mouth and doesn’t let up until it brushes against the back of his throat. 

“_Jesus._ H, you look so good while doing that.” Louis moans. 

Harry takes this in stride and relaxes his throat to take more of Louis’ length. He gets a steady pace going. It’s slower than he would like but he likes to tease Louis at least a little bit. He wants this to last. Louis is moaning louder with each slide of Harry’s mouth but is growing more impatient. He cants his hips up to meet Harry’s face. The motion chokes Harry a little bit but he really likes it. He likes choking on Louis’ cock. 

Harry increases the suction of his cheeks and stops when Louis’ dick hits the back of his throat again. Louis loses it. He moans Harry’s name and grabs a handful of his hair. It burns Harry’s scalp but it’s a welcome feeling. It only adds to the pool of pleasure in Harry’s tummy. He doesn’t even have his pants off yet and he already feels so on edge. It’s like the first few times they were intimate all over again. In some aspects, it is like their first time again. Everything feels new and exciting. Plus, this is the first time since their new beginning. 

“I’m gonna come if you don’t stop.” Louis breathes out. Harry looks up at him and he looks completely wrecked. Louis’ pupils are blown and his lips bitten raw. “Wanna come inside you, baby.” 

Louis’ words spring him into action. Harry would like that very much. He needs Louis inside of him so badly. His entire body is on fire with the need to have Louis inside of him. He slides Louis’ cock out of his mouth before kissing the tip. He doesn’t know why he did it but it seemed right in the moment. 

Harry stands up quickly and gestures to the bedroom. “Do you want to do it out here or in our bed?” 

“Bed. Now.” Louis huffs impatiently. He stands up and rushes to the bedroom. Harry is following right behind him. Louis searches the bedside table and pulls out a bottle of lube. “Lay down, H. Gotta open you up.”

Harry does as he’s told. Any control he had of the situation when he was sucking Louis’ dick is gone. He prefers it that way. He knows that Louis will take care of him and that’s all that he wants. Once he lays on the bed, he shimmies out of his pants and discards them on the floor. He lays there open and ready for Louis. 

“You’re so fucking beautiful, Harry. I don’t think I tell you enough.” Louis whispers to him as he sits on the bed. 

The mood between them has changed from only a few minutes ago. Things between them were very urgent and desperate but now it is more slow and intimate. This is the first time they will be having sex since they said ‘I love you.’ Harry was never one to use the term _making love._ In fact, the term made him uncomfortable and annoyed. But now, he understands it. He and Louis are in love and they are having sex. That’s the definition of making love, right?

“Gonna open you up now. Okay, love?” Harry nods at what Louis is saying. “Use your words, H.” 

“Please.” Harry answers, spreading his legs wider for Louis. 

Harry closes his eyes and waits for Louis to touch him. He hears Louis open the bottle of lube and pour the slimey contents onto his fingers. It knocks the wind out of Harry when Louis finally slides a finger inside of him. It’s been weeks since they’ve had sex so Harry is really tight. It is probably going to be minorly uncomfortable but Harry is going to fight through it because wants to feel close to Louis in this way again. 

Louis gives Harry a few seconds to adjust and then moves his finger in and out of him. There is a slight burn but it’s a familiar feeling. It’s a good feeling. Harry finally opens his eyes to see his boyfriend focusing all of his energy on him. Louis is achingly hard but instead of wanting to get himself off in a hurry, he takes his time with opening Harry up so he doesn’t hurt him. Harry couldn’t love him any more even if he tried. 

“Lou.” Harry moans out. 

Louis looks at him with concern. “Are you okay? I’m not hurting you, am I?” He looks hyper alert of everything he is doing to Harry. He’s giving Harry everything that he wants but he’s still acting like Harry is a porcelain doll.

“‘M fine, Lou.” Harry reassures. “Give me another.” 

“Are you sure?” Louis asks tentatively. 

“_Yes._” Harry answers impatiently. 

Harry doesn’t like that Louis is being so gentle with him. He’s not made of glass and Louis can get rough with him. He would prefer it, actually. He just needs to get Louis out of his head. He needs to change his way of thinking. Louis is not going to break Harry. 

Louis complies to Harry’s request and adds a second finger along with the first. It’s a stretch but Harry loves feeling stretched. He loves Louis’ fingers filling him up in the best way possible. 

“_Fuck._ Feels good.” Harry moans, bucking his hips forwards Louis’ fingers. He’s trying to encourage him to move and to get out of his head. He wants Louis to enjoy this as much as Harry is. 

Louis runs his free hand along Harry’s thigh and hip. “So beautiful.” 

Harry’s hips move on their own volition. He’s chasing the near euphoric feeling that Louis’ fingers give him. He is also really impatient for Louis to get inside of him. 

“Give me another. I want it. _Please,_ Lou.” Harry begs. He doesn’t know what has come over him but he’s so desperate for anything and everything that Louis will give him. He’s needed to feel close to Louis like this again and now that he is, he can’t get enough of it.

“You don’t want to slow down?” Louis asks, running his hand gently against Harry’s skin. 

Harry stares at his boyfriend. It’s discouraging that Louis keeps asking this. This is all Harry wants. “Stop it, Louis. Stop doubting that I want you to make me feel good and if I want to make you feel good. _I want this. _I want _you._” Harry flicks his hips against Louis’ fingers and it brushes against his prostate. He cries out at how good it feels. “Give me everything, Lou. We both need this.”

Louis just nods and adds a third finger. The third finger stretches Harry in the best way possible. He completely ignores the burn and moves his hips to meet Louis’ fingers. Louis takes this as a sign to start moving and scissoring his fingers. Louis quickly gains the momentum and the confidence that Harry was hoping he would find. 

Louis curls his finger just right and hits Harry’s prostate dead on. “Oh, _fuck!_” Harry whines and arches his back in pleasure. Louis repeats his movements and gets the same reaction from Harry. Harry could feel his orgasm building in his stomach. He doesn’t want to come before he’s even had Louis inside of him. “Need you inside of me. Now!” He demands. 

Louis pulls his fingers out of Harry. He’s looking to be impatient for this as much as Harry is. He grabs the lube and hastily pours a generous amount onto his dick. He pumps his length a few times to slick himself up. He positions himself at Harry’s entrance.

Harry’s entire being is yearning for Louis to be inside of him. He’s trembling with desire. He moans out in pleasure when Louis finally slides the tip of his dick inside. He slides the rest of his length in, inch by inch. He’s tortuously slow with his movements. He finally bottoms out and a choked noise escaped his lips. 

“So tight, H. _Shit._” 

Louis pulls most of the way out only to flick his hips roughly back into Harry. Both cry out at the sensation. Louis moves slowly but with force. Each drag in and out feels like heaven to Harry. He’s needed this for weeks and now that he’s gotten it, he can’t get enough. He’s practically gagging for it but he doesn’t care. He knows that Louis won’t judge him and is probably feeling the same way. 

“Faster!” Harry begs, placing his hands on Louis’ back and digging his fingernails into the skin. This springs Louis into action and he does as Harry requests. His hips are relentlessly moving against Harry’s body. 

“You feel so fucking good.” Louis groans on a particular thrust. “Can’t get enough of you, baby.” 

Harry pulls Louis’ face down to him and crashes their lips together. The kiss is sloppy and desperate but it’s everything that Harry needs. Louis sucks on Harry’s bottom lip and then roughly nips at it. Harry loves that Louis is finally getting out of his head and touching Harry like he wants to be touched. 

Louis’ lips travel down to Harry’s neck and his sucks harshly at the skin. He knows how much Harry likes his neck being kissed and how much he like to still see the love bites the next morning. 

Louis flicks his hips just right and brushes against Harry’s prostate. It’s with such force that it nearly knocks the wind out of Harry. “Oh, _fuck._ Just like that. Fuck me right that, Lou!” Harry begs. 

Louis lets out a noise that sounds a lot like a whimper. “Fuck, I love you so much.” He moans as soon as the words leave his mouth. He bites down on Harry’s collarbone and picks up his pace. The force of his hips is harsh but it’s just how Harry likes it. “You’re so fucking beautiful.” 

Harry collects Louis’ lips into another kiss. This one dissolves into a mess of pants and teeth within seconds. Neither seem to mind. “Making me feel so good, babe. Need _more._” 

Louis seems to know what Harry is insinuating and wraps his hand around Harry cock. He slicks it up with the precome that is pooling against Harry’s stomach. Harry cries out at the over stimulation. Louis is hitting his special spot with most thrusts and now he’s pumping at his cock. There’s no way he’s going to last much longer. By the way Louis’ hips are getting sloppy, Harry doesn’t think Louis is far behind. 

“I’m close.” Harry whimpers. 

Louis nods and bites his lip. “Me too.” 

Harry pulls Louis into yet another kiss. He can’t seem to keep his hands or his lips to himself. He needs everything in this moment to be LouisLouisLouis. “I love you.” Harry whispers against Louis’ lips. 

Louis fists Harry’s cock in his hand even quicker. He snaps his hips hard on a particular thrust. Harry orgasm comes out of nowhere. He releases into Louis’ fist but some of it lands onto his own chest and stomach. His entire body spasms and his sees specks of white. It’s such an intense orgasm but it’s even more so because of the love that his feels for his boyfriend. 

“I love you.” Louis whimpers. He thrusts into Harry three more times until he stills. Warmth fills Harry’s body. He had missed the feeling of Louis coming inside of him. It’s such an intimate act that made him feel even closer to Louis.

Louis gently pulls out of Harry. Harry clenches around nothing. He already misses feeling so full. Louis collapses next to Harry, just catching his breath.

“You were right.. I really did need this.”

Harry chuckles, exhausted. “I tried telling you.” 

Louis turns on his side, facing Harry. “I’m sorry if I ever made you feel like I didn’t want you or I wasn’t attracted to you. I am. _Obviously._”

“I know that… I just wish you would talk to me about these things. I hate when you shut me out.”

“I’m sorry, Harry.” 

They are silent for a long time. Both are so into their own thoughts. Harry silently moves closer to Louis. Louis wraps his arms around him. They stay cuddling like this for several minutes before Harry decides to speak.

“We’re okay, you know.” Harry murmurs, cuddling more into Louis side. “Awful things have happened to us and we almost didn’t make it but we _did._ You and I have made it through it all.”

“I know, H. I’ve got to start listening to you more often… I just get so in my head and blame myself for everything. I know I shouldn’t but I just don’t ever want anything bad happening to you. You’re my entire life now and if something bad happens to you, I feel like I’m not doing my job as your boyfriend… and your protector, I guess… but it makes me feel like I’m not doing my job good enough… Like I’ve failed you. And I never want to fail you. I just want us to live a long and happy life together.”

“Louis… You can’t shield me of everything bad in the world. No matter how much you want to. I’m not going to be happy all of the time. I’m going to have setbacks… So are you, babe. We don’t need to focus on the bad stuff. We need to focus on the reasons that we decide to still go on. I thought about it a lot when I was in the hospital for those three days. Mine are you, my mum, Gemma, Liam, Niall, and now even Zayn. And your family too. Especially Dottie. I think about my future as an author. I think about our future and everything we’ve yet to experience together. I still have those bad thoughts that are constantly on my mind but I choose to look at what I want to live for instead of why I would want to die.”

Louis kisses Harry’s forehead. “When did you get so wise?”

“Nearly dying kind of does that to a person.” Harry replies. He’s looking on the bright side of things but he still did like a good morbid joke or two.

“I’m going to do that from now on… Focus on the reasons to still go on.”

“What are yours?”

Louis is quiet for a moment, deep in thought. “You, obviously. I look forward to every new memory that we are going to make together. My sisters and brother. I can’t wait for all of the things I’ll get to experience with them. I’ll get to see Lottie finally go to college. I’ll get to see the older twins graduate school and see the younger twins start school. I’ll get to see Fiz do whatever the fuck she decides to do. She’s going to be amazing at anything she decides. I have Zayn. I hope that he and Liam stay together because they are really happy together and balance each other out. Because of you, I have Niall. I hope he and Jules stay together and he doesn’t fuck that one up. I have your family. I already love Gemma like my own sister. I know that we are going to be really close friends since we both love to talk shit so much.” Harry giggles at that. “I have your mum. She already treats me like her own. I’m excited for the relationship that I will have with her… It’ll be nice to have another mother figure… I have my mum… Even though she’s not actually here with me, I want to do things that would make her proud of me.”

“Looks like we both have a lot of things to live for, doesn’t it?” 

“It does.” 

Harry turns the opposite way so that he can be the little spoon. Louis wraps his arm around Harry’s torso and snuggles his face into the nape of his neck. 

“I love you, Harry. You’re the best thing to ever happen to me.”

Harry smiles even though Louis can’t see his face. “I love you too, Louis. More than you can ever begin to imagine.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Before everyone yells at me for writing Fizzy.... I already had this entire story planned in February. I decided to write her anyway because I wanted to show the relationship between Louis and Fizzy. I wanted to do their relationship justice because it was so beautiful. I'm so sorry for upsetting some of you but I did what I had to do.


	10. Happy Ending

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's four months later and it's Harry's graduation day. Louis has a surprise for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe my story is over :( This has been more baby for several months and I'm so sad that it's finally over. I'm so happy with the way it's turned out though. So incredibly proud.   
Let me know what you thought of Fix You in the comments if you'd like. I'd love some feedback for future stories I'll be writing :D   
Thank you all so much for reading this roller coaster of a story. I hope you enjoyed the journey as much as I did. Enjoy the last chapter!!

**4 Months Later**

*L*

The last four months have been some of the best in Louis’ life. He and Harry are as strong as ever. He’s helped Harry complete his last semester of university. It was tough for Harry to get back into the swing of things and it was hard for him to stay motivated since it was all online but he did it. Louis couldn’t be more proud of him. 

Louis was unlucky in finding a teaching position for almost two months but finally managed to find a position at a small university thirty minutes outside of London. They liked his dedication to the students so much that they asked him back as a full time professor in the fall. The college is perfect for Louis in every way. He didn’t really like teaching at King’s College because the classes were so big and he didn’t really get to engage with his students. This new university is much smaller so Louis can get to know his students and be of more help to them. 

Louis and Harry go visit Doncaster at least once a month. He’s already become so close to his siblings again. He never thought that he would be close to them again but it’s so amazing. He’s astounded at how wonderful each one of his siblings are. His family loves Harry and Harry loves them. He’s already a part of his family and that makes Louis happier than words can explain.

Harry and Louis have spent much of their time in the last months with Liam, Zayn, Niall, and Julia. When they all hang out, it doesn’t feel like three couples hanging out even when they go out on triple dates. The six of them have become the best of friends. Louis considers Niall and Liam like brothers to him now. 

Zayn has been searching for open teaching positions like Louis has. Oftentimes, they would search together. Louis always hoped they would luck out and find teaching positions at the same university but it never happened. Zayn found a job about a month before Louis did. His teaching position was kind of a hassle to get to. He had to take two trains to get to the university but Zayn didn’t seem to mind. He’s just happy to be teaching again. 

Niall and Julia were better than ever. Little by little, she began moving her things into the boy’s flat. It was basically Niall’s now anyway. Harry and Liam were never at their flat unless the six of them were hanging out. Harry hadn’t stayed the night at his own flat in several months. Harry considered his home to be Louis’ flat. Harry continued to say that he’s never seen Niall so switten for a girl before. It was cute to witness Niall being in love for the first time because he was so much different than when he is only with the guys. He’s much more gentle and loving with her. 

Harry’s father was released from prison at the end of March. Harry was really on edge for the two weeks prior to his release and the three weeks following. His restraining order on him had been approved a few days before Anne had been told Des was being out of prison. Des had received the letter that Harry had written him and must have respected his wishes because he didn’t try to contact anyone in Harry’s family. Louis was really grateful for that because he didn’t want Harry to have the added stress. He was happy that Harry could finally begin to move on from that part of his life. 

Anne started dating somebody in April. When she broke the news to Harry and Gemma, they both cried happy tears. All Harry wanted was for her to be happy and now that she was, he could relax. Harry is such a worrier when it comes to his family so it gave him peace of mind to know that his mum was being looked after.

Things between Louis and Harry were absolutely incredible. They pushed each other to be better people everyday. If one of them wasn’t feeling the best, the other was always there to comfort them. They had found the perfect balance in their lives to be both boyfriends and best friends. Louis thought that those were the best kinds of relationships and he couldn’t be happier. 

Each man’s mental health was beginning to get better as well. Harry was taking his antidepressants regularly while choosing to go to therapy to further his journey to recovery. Louis liked his initiative and decided to go himself. He also attended Alcoholics Anonymous on occasion. He attended those meetings on days when he had the urge to drink. Louis hasn’t picked up a drink since the night he almost died nor has Harry cut since that night. Their recovery is a long process but they were getting through it. Together. 

Harry is graduating from King’s College in a few days. Louis is so proud of him. He’s decided to make a big gesture to show Harry how proud he is. They were looking at flats of their own online a few nights before Harry graduates in bed and Harry fell in love with one of them. It is two bedrooms and has an incredible view of the city. It was a little bit above their price range so Harry insisted that they keep looking. 

Louis has been saving up for a place of their own. With his new steady teaching position, he can spare the money for the flat. It probably wasn’t the best idea to buy it without Harry’s knowledge but he did it anyway. The look on Harry’s face when they were looking at the flat, Louis knew he had to buy it for his boy. 

Louis calls Anne the day after he buys the flat and asks for her help with surprising Harry. He goes out for a smoke so Harry won’t hear his plans. 

Anne picks up the phone on the fourth ring. “Hi, Louis! How are you, love?” 

“Hi, Anne. I’m really good, thanks. How are you doing?” 

“I’m doing well. I’m a little sad that Harry is about to graduate… My baby isn’t a baby anymore.” 

Louis chuckles knowingly. “It must be a really emotional time. I know Harry’s got mixed emotions about it as well… That’s exactly why I called. I have a favor to ask of you.”

“Okay.. What is it?”

“So… As you know, Harry and I are looking for a place of our own.”

“Yes…” Anne answers, not catching on.

“Well, we found one that Harry really liked but he felt it was too expensive. I, uh, bought it yesterday and he doesn’t really know about it yet. My favor is I need you to make sure Harry is out of the house before his graduation. I’m going to move everything out of my flat into this new one and surprise him with it after graduation.”

Anne coos happily into the phone. “Oh, Louis.. That’s so wonderful. Harry is going to be thrilled. He mentioned the flat that you’re talking about to me the other day. Anything that you need me to do to make this happen, just let me know and I will do it.”

Louis grins from ear to ear. “Thank you, Anne. So much.” 

“No, thank you. For loving my son. I’ve never seen him happier. I was a little uneasy when he told me you two were going to find a place together but you’ve just reassured me that it’s the right decision. I’m so happy for you both.”

“Thanks again! I’ll text you the details!”

“Alright, love. See you soon.”

“Bye, Anne. See you soon.”

Louis calls Liam and Zayn the next day. Harry left to go pick them up a bit of food. Louis thought it is the perfect opportunity to call them to ask for help. He calls Zayn’s phone.

“Louis!”

“Zaynie, hi! Are you with Liam?”

“Yeah, why?” 

“Put it on speaker phone, will you?”

Zayn chuckles nervously into the phone. “Uh, yeah okay.” 

“Hi, Louis!” Liam greets cheerfully.

“I need a favor from both of you.” 

“What is it?” Zayn asks. 

“I bought a flat for Harry and I.” Both men express their happiness for them. “There’s a catch, though… He doesn’t know. It’s a surprise for after his graduation. I need you guys to help me move our stuff into the new place. Anne is taking him out before his graduation so I think that would be the perfect time to go it.” 

“Talk about a big fucking romantic gesture.” Zayn laughs. 

“Oh, shut it you dickhead.” Louis responds fondly. “You’re just upset I’ve out-romanced you.” 

“I think he’s finally out done you, babe.” Liam informed Zayn with a giggle. 

“So are you in?” Louis asks expectantly.

Liam and Zayn talk quietly amongst themselves for several seconds. “Of course we’re in, you knob.” Zayn says happily. 

“Yeah, of course. This is going to make Haz so happy. I can’t wait to see the look on his face.” Liam coos. 

“You’ve got to keep this a secret. He can’t find out before.” 

“Understood.” Both men agree on the other line. 

“Thank you both so much. I’m going to call and ask Niall now.” 

Liam croaks out a laugh. “Good luck with that. You won’t be able to get his lazy arse off of the couch long enough to help.” 

Louis chuckles. “I’ll just ask Jules then. He can’t say no to her.” 

Zayn howls with laughter. “Playing dirty. I like it.” 

“I’ll see you both in a few days!” Louis tells him. 

“See ya, mate!” Zayn says and hangs up the phone. 

Louis calls Niall next. He’s hopeful that the other man will be willing to help because Harry is his best friend but he will just have to see. He knows that Niall is notoriously lazy but it’s for a good cause. 

“Tommo! What’s up, mate?” Niall greets. 

“Hey, Niall! I actually have a favor to ask.” 

“Hi, Louis!” Julia yells into the phone. 

“Hold on, I’m putting it on speaker.” Niall mutters. “Alright, here we go. What’s the favor?”

“So I bought a flat for Harry and I but I haven’t told him about it yet. I’m going to move everything into the new flat on his graduation day to surprise him. I need your help with moving everything in. Zayn and Liam have already agreed.” 

“Harry is going to shit himself. He hates surprises.” Niall says, giggling like a schoolgirl. “Ouch!” He exclaims when there is a loud smack. Juulia must have smacked him because of his comment. 

“I know he does.. But I know he’ll like this one. He picked out this flat, he just didn’t think we were going to be able to get it. I made it happen.” 

“I think that this is all a wonderful idea, Louis. I think it’s so sweet and Harry is going to love it. Niall is just an idiot sometimes.” 

“Hey, now. I already knew that. You don’t need to be pointing it out to everyone, babe.” Niall tells her. 

“We’ll do all we can to help, Louis. I think it’s amazing what you’re doing.” Julia says.

The words make Louis smile. He’s glad most people think it’s a good idea. “Thank you, Jules. I appreciate it so much.”

“I’m in too. But only because my lady is.” Niall groans. The thought of hard work must be really difficult for him.

“I wouldn’t expect anything less, Horan.”

Today is finally the day of Harry’s graduation. Louis has been completely on edge and nervous since he concocted his plan to surprise Harry with the new flat. He woke up entirely too early because he is overthinking the entire thing. What if Harry doesn’t like the new flat or the fact that Louis bought it without his permission? What if he gets upset? Louis is an idiot to be doing this. 

Louis cuddles against Harry with his arm wrapped around him for the better part of two hours before Harry wakes up.

“Good morning.” Harry greets with his usual deep morning voice. 

“Good morning, baby.” 

“How long have you been up?”

“Not long.” Louis lies. “Today’s the day, though. You’re a fucking college graduate.” Louis kisses against his boyfriend’s unruly hair. “So proud of you, H.”

“Couldn’t have done it without you.” 

“You could’ve. I know it… How are you feeling about today?”

Harry shifts around in bed so that he’s facing Louis. “I feel fine. I’m a little nervous that I’ll trip and fall on stage when I get my diploma but other than that, I feel fine.” 

Louis chuckles. “Of course.. With those giraffe legs of yours.” 

“Heeey.” Harry pouts. “I thought we were past you making fun of my long legs.” 

“Had to, babe. You set me up for that one.” 

“Yeah, yeah. You just love to make fun of me.” 

Louis smirks fondly. “I do. But everything I say is out of love.” 

Harry smiles. “I know.” He checks the time on his phone and gets out of bed. “I need to get ready. Mum will be here in like thirty minutes.” 

Harry rushes out of the bedroom and into the bathroom to take a shower. He returns ten minutes later with his long hair dripping with water. He’s only in a towel. Louis thinks he looks so fucking good. He has to shake himself from his dirty thoughts. He is on a mission today none of which include seducing his boyfriend.. At least until they are settled in their new place. 

“I don’t know why mum was so insistent we go out today. It’s my graduation day.. I just kind of wanted to relax with you until it was time for me to walk across the stage.” 

Louis keeps at poker face. He refuses to give anything away. “It might just be because you’re her youngest and your graduating from college. I’m sure that’s hard for her. You’re her--”

“_Baby boy_. I know.” Harry laughs. “It’ll be fun. I can’t remember the last time it was just mum and I. Gemma always crashes the party.” He jokes. 

What Harry doesn’t know is Gemma will be here helping Louis move everything into the new flat. “You’ll see her at your graduation, don’t worry. She’ll come locked and loaded with jokes like she always does. It’ll be like she was there the whole day.” 

Harry giggles fondly at Louis’ words. “You’re probably right.” He finishes dressing. He isn’t coming back to the flat before his graduation so he’s wearing a really nice outfit. He’s wearing a black long sleeved button up tucked into black pants with small white stripes. He’s become a little more comfortable in his own skin so he’s been branching out with his fashion choices. Louis is mesmerized. 

“You look stunning.” 

Harry blushes. “Thought I’d dress up a bit since I’ll be getting my picture taken today.”

Louis gets up off of the bed and wraps his bare body around his boyfriend. He pulls Harry’s face to him and plants a kiss on his lips. “Well, it’s a great choice. You look fucking incredible.” 

Harry smiles down at Louis. “I love you.” 

“I love you, too. Wish I could put into words how much.”

Harry opens his mouth to speak but his phone starts vibrating. “It’s mum. She must be here.” He grabs the rest of the things he needs and starts walking to the door. He stops and turns around to give Louis one last kiss. “See you there, babe. Don’t have too much fun without me.”

Louis snorts. He loves that Harry is so oblivious to what Louis has planned. “See you soon. It’ll be a new life.” Harry shoots Louis a puzzled look. “Mister college graduate.” Louis adds cheekily. He just wants Harry to know his surprise right this second. Only a few more hours. 

Two hours later, Louis is quickly packing all of their things with Liam, Zayn, Niall, Julia, and Gemma. Louis’ family is on their way to help as well. Sam has a work van that works perfectly for transporting the large furniture that he has. A lot of the things that he has in his current flat need updating but he wants Harry to go with him to pick it out so he’s just bringing everything. 

As soon as Harry left, Louis ran to his car to get the boxes from the trunk. He was by himself for about an hour until Liam and Zayn came to help. Liam is very organized so he started taking charge on how to fit everything correctly into the boxes. Louis was previously just throwing everything into boxes without any rhyme or reason. That wasn’t going to cut it with Liam there. 

Niall and Julia join the fun about thirty minutes later. Julia is really helpful with being quick and efficient with boxing up the kitchen. Niall, on the other hand, just eats a good portion of the food in the refrigerator. Louis didn’t really expect anything less. He’s grateful that they came to help him, regardless. He and Harry have really good friends. 

The front door is open so he doesn’t hear his sister and her fiance walk in the door. “Hello, big brother.” Lottie greets when she walks into the bedroom. 

Louis gets up from the group and gives his sister a hug. “Good to see you, sis.” 

“Van is outside and ready to use.” Sam pops his head into the room and informs. 

“Thanks, mate. I think Niall could start helping you load things into it. I’m nearly finished in here.” Sam salutes Louis and leaves the room. 

“Where are the others?” Louis asks curiously. 

“They are on their way. Fiz is driving them. They are going to meet us at the graduation.”

“Sounds good.” 

“Lottie!!” Zayn exclaims and runs into the room.

“Zaynie, oh my gosh!” Zayn picks her up and twirls her around. It’s been a long time since they’ve seen one another. “It’s so good to see you!”

“Still haven’t gotten taller, I see.” Zayn jokes. 

“Oh, fuck off.” Lottie replies with a smile. She hugs him again. 

“You doing alright?” 

“Yep.” Lottie flashes her ring. “Proper engaged now.” 

“Damn. Guess I missed my shot.” Zayn jokes. He always used to joke about dating Louis’ sister. It always used to piss him off. Now, he can only laugh about it because it was such a long time ago. 

“I’m right here.” Liam says, monotone. He’s sitting on the floor, gathering the last of Louis and Harry’s belongings into a box. 

“I’m only joking, Li. You know I don’t want anyone else but you.” 

Liam blushes but still tries to remain pouting. “That’s what I thought.” 

This is basically how the rest of the day goes. Everyone is all jokes and banter. It’s a really nice time but Louis is counting down the minutes until he gets to be with his love again. 

It takes Sam three trips with his van to transport all of the furniture to the new flat. With each trip, Louis is getting more and more nervous for Harry to see their new place. It’s coming along nicely. 

The rest of the group part ways when their jobs are finished to go get ready for Harry’s graduation. Louis pays his flat one last goodbye. He can’t say that he’s going to miss this little hole in the wall place but he does have so many good memories with Harry in this flat. He also has so many awful ones. This is a fresh start for Louis. By leaving this flat, he’s saying goodbye to the person he once was. He used to just be an alcoholic who was counting down the days until he would be reunited with his mum again. He didn’t have anything he wanted to live for. He spent countless nights drinking his problems away. He’s no longer that person. He’s got so much he wants to live for now and he can’t wait to start that chapter of his life. He takes one last look at the empty flat and silently says goodbye to that sad chapter of his life. He’s on to a much happier life. 

Louis has an idea and makes a pit stop before he makes his way to the new flat. He sets up his little present for Harry as fast as he can. He doesn’t have much time before he’s supposed to be with his family and Harry’s to watch Harry walk across the stage and get his diploma. He takes a quick shower and dresses for Harry’s graduation ceremony. 

Louis is almost late for the ceremony. By the time he arrives, Harry has already taken a seat with the rest of the graduates. The ceremony seems to last forever. ‘S’ is near the end of the alphabet so they have to wait awhile until Harry’s name is called. After about an hour, Harry is finally in line by the stage. 

“Harry Styles.” Harry walks across the stage and takes his diploma. He shakes hands politely with each person on the stage. 

Louis whistles and cheers for his boyfriend. Both of their families are cheering and are extremely loud and obnoxious but they don’t care. Everyone is so happy for Harry. Louis is so proud of him. He’s nearly in tears because of the immense pride he feels. It’s such a privilege to be able to call that man his boyfriend. Even after all of the shit they have been through the last several months and all of the shit Harry has dealt with most of his life, he’s still worked his ass off and graduated college.   
Louis doesn’t pay much attention to the rest of the ceremony. Frankly, he only came to see one person so he patiently waits until after the ceremony so he can tell Harry how proud he is. 

Harry is waiting outside in his cap and gown after all of the graduates leave the venue. He is grinning from ear to ear when he notices everyone walking his way. Anne is the first to hug him and then Gemma. 

Louis finally wraps his arms around his boy. It’s like his whole body was humming with anticipation during the ceremony. He missed Harry during the day and is so happy to have him back in his arms. “I’m so proud of you, baby. You’re a fucking college graduate now.”

Harry hugs back tighter. “Thank you, Lou.”

“My turn now.” Says a little voice next to them. Doris is standing next to them with her arms outstretched for Harry to hold. 

Louis releases Harry from his hold so Harry can hug his little sister. He looks fondly at the encounter. He loves that Doris adores Harry so much. 

“Good job, pretty Harry.” Doris says with a shy smile. He nuzzles her head into the nape of Harry’s neck.

Harry smiles widely. “Thank you, pretty Dottie.” 

The rest of the family and their friends take their turns hugging the newly graduated Harry. Niall is so quiet that Harry looks suspicious. Louis wants to kick him in the shins so he’ll stop looking like he has a secret. The rest of them just look overly smiley. Harry doesn’t seem to suspect a thing apart from Niall. 

Louis and Harry get in Louis’ car after talking to everyone for a few minutes. All of them will be meeting Harry and Louis back at their new flat with food and drinks to celebrate. Harry thinks it’s only for his graduation but it’s also a housewarming party. Louis is shaking with anticipation. 

“You were supposed to turn there.” Harry mutters when Louis misses his turn if he were driving to their old place. 

“We’re taking a minor detour first.” Louis responds, his knuckles turning white with how hard he’s gripping the steering wheel. 

“You’re really quiet. Are you going to tell me where we’re going?” Harry asks after a few minutes of silence. 

“It’s a surprise.” Louis wanted to be there already. He hated keeping things from Harry even if it’s a surprise that he’ll like. Only five more minutes.

“Oh.” Harry practically whispers. Louis glances over to him and Harry’s face has gone pale. He looks so nervous. “You know I don’t like surprises.”

“I know… But it’s a good one I promise.” 

Harry sighs shakily. “If you say so.” 

“I know you’re going to hate me for this but could you put on the blindfold that’s on the floorboard?” 

Harry shoots him an annoyed glance. “Seriously.”

Louis smiles over exaggeratedly. “Please, baby? You’ll like the surprise. I promise.” 

“Fine.” Harry sighs dramatically and does as he’s told. He ties the blindfold over his eyes. 

The drive to the new flat only takes a few more minutes. Harry is antsy to get out of the car. Louis is so anxious to finally show him his surprise. Louis helps Harry get out of the car and walks him to their new building. He escorts them to the elevator and to the sixth floor. 

“Where are you taking me?” Harry asks impatiently. 

Louis uses his key to unlock their new flat. “We’re here.” He states excitedly. Louis unties Harry’s blindfold and takes in Harry’s reaction.

Harry is very confused at first. He flashes Louis a questioning look. He notices their couch in the living room and then notices the open window with the view he couldn't stop talking about when they first looked at the flat. “You didn’t.” Harry deadpans.

“Welcome to our new home, baby.” Louis smiles nervously. He hopes that he didn’t fuck up majorly by doing something so rash.

“But.. Wha--” Harry stutters, obviously in shock. “We can’t afford this.”

Louis takes Harry’s hand and squeezes it reassuringly. “We can. With this new teaching gig, I make more than I did. I want to splurge on you a little. You really wanted this place so I wanted to make you happy.” 

“Louis..” Harry replies in disbelief. 

“What do you think?” Louis asks, suddenly really self conscious. 

Louis knows he’s made the right choice when Harry’s entire demeanor brightens. His eyes look hopeful and happy. His dimples are on full display. He looks around the room with wonder and excitement. 

“Lou, I love it! I can’t believe you did this me me.”

“For us. I did this for us. This is the start of lives together. Now we have a place that we can call ours.”

Harry rushes over to him and wraps his arms around Louis. Louis picks his boyfriend up slightly and spins him around. When Louis sets him back on the ground, Harry’s lips are on his own before he can even take a breath. They kiss for a long time. It’s not rushed; they are savoring this moment together. This is the first of many kisses in their new flat. 

“I love you so much, Louis.” Harry’s lips brush against Louis’ again. “I can’t believe this place is ours.” 

“I love you, Harry. I’m so glad you like it. I was practically shitting myself all day.”

Harry laughs. “How did you pull this off?” 

“With a lot of help from our friends.”

“That’s why they were all acting weird at the graduation ceremony.”

Louis laughs. “Yeah, Niall can’t keep a secret to save his life. I told him just to keep his mouth shut if he thought he was going to say something.” 

Harry giggles along with Louis. “He really is the worst secret keeper known to mankind.” 

They laugh hard at this and stay laughing. The tension that was in the car is now completely gone. Louis doesn’t think this could have gone better if he tried. 

“Do you want to see the rest of our flat?”

Harry’s smile widens. “Yes, please.”

Louis takes Harry’s hand and shows him the rest of their new place. He saves the guest room for last. He put together something a little special for Harry. “And here’s the guest room… And your work space.” 

Harry marvels at the new room. It doesn’t have a bed in there yet but it is on the list of things they still need to purchase. Louis did stop by and buy a nice desk, desktop computer, and a comfortable chair for Harry on his way home. Louis was struck with the idea and wanted an area for Harry to write. It is his passion and Louis wanted to encourage him. 

“Louis..” Harry whispers, at a loss for words. 

“I wanted you to have your own little area. You’re such a good writer and I know that one day very soon, you’re going to get hired to write some amazing books.”

“About that…” Harry starts. 

“You got the call?” Louis asks excitedly. 

Harry had applied to a publishing agency to just writing little things and to hopefully one day to become a full time writer. It had been weeks and Harry hadn’t heard back from them. He sent in some of his writing in hopes to get the position. After the first week, he had given up hope that they would hire him. 

“I got the call this morning when I was with mum. They said that I showed great potential and they want to see what I can do.” He smiles brightly. “I got the job.”   
Louis literally jumps up and down in excitement. He couldn’t be more proud of his boy. He wraps Harry in a bone crushing hug. “I knew you would get the job. I’m so fucking proud of you, baby.”

Harry snuggles his head into the crook of Louis’ neck. “I couldn’t have done any of this without you. You’ve helped me to be confident in myself. Confident enough to actually show off my writing. You’re also kind of my muse. Sweet Creature was one of the stories that I submitted.” 

Louis reluctantly lets go of his boyfriend so that he can properly look at him. Harry is radiating happiness. “I can’t take any of the credit, H. You’ve done all of this on your own. You’ve absolutely flourished into this amazing fucking human being. You’re so incredible. I literally can’t even put it into words.” 

Harry starts to unbutton his shirt. Louis stares at him, intrigued but confused. “Speaking of… I have a surprise of my own.” 

Louis cocks his eyebrow and reaches for the loops in Harry’s pants. “Oh, do tell.” 

Harry playfully slaps his hands away. “Not that kind of surprise.” He unbuttons most of the buttons of his shirt to reveal a large tattoo of his sternum. “I already had a tattoo appointment made when mum took me out this morning. She wasn’t too happy when I took her along.” He chuckles. 

“Is that a butterfly?” Louis asks curiously. It looked really beautiful and extremely well done. He is impressed.

Harry nods. “Yeah, it is.”

“Why a butterfly?”

Harry blushes. “Okay, this is going to probably sound really stupid but I always felt like I was stuck in my cacoon. Like I was an ugly, scared little caterpillar. I was stuck in my shell and couldn’t get myself out. It wasn’t until I met you that I shed my ugly skin and broke out of my shell… With you, I feel like I’ve transformed. I was a caterpillar but now I feel like I’ve blossomed into a beautiful butterfly… God, that sounds stupid.”

Louis is grinning from ear to ear. He touches the tattoo softly and then moves his hand to touch Harry’s face. “It’s not stupid at all. It’s completely true. You have transformed and I couldn’t be more proud… My beautiful little butterfly.” 

Harry giggles and moves their faces closer together. Louis removes the distance and presses their lips together. The kiss is much shorter than Louis would have liked but they have all the time in the world to kiss.

“So you like it?” 

“I love it! It’s so beautiful. The detail of the wings are immaculate. Whoever did this did an incredible job.”

“I went to Josh again. He was sad that you weren’t there this time.. I already made another appointment and I told him that you would be there.”

Louis smiles. Josh is a great tattoo artist. “Already getting another one? I’ve turned you into a tattoo junkie.” He jokes.

“I always wanted tattoos but I never thought they would look good on me.” 

Louis traces the butterfly on Harry’s chest. “I can assure you, they do.” Louis’ comment makes Harry giggle excitedly. “What tattoo are you thinking of getting next?”

Harry blushes a deep red. “I was thinking about getting a rose.”

“Oh, yeah? I think that would be beautiful on you, H.”

“And it compliments a dagger pretty well, don’t you think?” Harry responds shyly.

“Harry Styles, are you going to get a tattoo to match mine?” Louis asks in faux surprise. 

“Maybe… if that’s alright with you?” Harry looks nervous for his response.

“Of course it’s alright with me, baby. We can get several matching tattoos if you want. I’ll show them off to anyone that’ll hear it.” 

Harry’s anxious expression turns to one of pure happiness. “We’re going to be one of those disgustingly in love couples that have lots of matching tattoos, aren’t we?”

“Yup.” Louis responds shortly. He grabs Harry again and kisses him with all he has. They don’t stop kissing until their families arrive. 

The graduation/housewarming party is a blast for everyone. Every single person in attendance was beaming with happiness for Harry and for the happy couple. Anne couldn’t stop talking about how happy she was for the two of them and for their new flat together. Niall joked that this will now be the hangout spot for them all and Louis couldn’t agree more. He can’t wait to host parties with Harry here. It really is a new beginning for them both. 

Their families and friends don’t leave until around ten. Both Louis and Harry are exhausted by the days events. Louis originally wanted to christen the new flat with bending Harry over his new desk and fucking him senseless but Louis is simply too tired for that. They instead take a shower together to wash the long day off of their skin. Louis carefully washes Harry’s luscious hair. It’s always going to be one of Louis’ favorite things to do. 

After they are all clean, they go into the bedroom and plop down on the bed. Harry is already yawning and his eyelids are getting heavy. Loui isn’t too far behind. A question pops into Louis’ head that has been gnawing at him during the party. 

“Why were you so nervous when I told you I had a surprise for you?”

Harry turns away from Louis and snuggles into his side, making himself the little spoon. “I don’t like surprises, you know this.” 

“Yeah, I know… But it seemed like more than that.”

Harry takes a large breath and then sighs. “When you said that you had a surprise, I thought you were going to propose. That’s why I got so nervous.”

Louis’ face falls a fraction. “I didn’t disappoint you, did I?”

“No, no. Of course not, Lou.” Harry rushes out, making sure to reassure Louis. “The flat is absolutely amazing. It’s everything I could ask for and more. I can’t believe you did this all for me.”

Louis cuddles against Harry more and tightens his arms around him. “There’s going to be a ring someday. And a big proposal. I can guarantee you that. I’m going to marry you someday, Harry. You’re going to be my husband and we’re going to spend the rest of our lives together. I’m not just saying that. It’s my promise to you. I just want everything to be perfect. I don’t want to fuck it up.”

Harry gently presses his lips to Louis’ bicep. “You could propose without a ring in the middle of a fucking McDonald’s and I would say yes. It’s not about the big extravagant gesture, it’s about you. About us.”

A smile grows on Louis’ lips at his boyfriend’s words. “I’m still going to get you a ring and make it the biggest, most ridiculous proposal because I just want to see you smile. I know you don’t care about all of that stuff but I just want to show you how much I love you.” 

Harry shakes his head and chuckles. “You _do_ show me how much you love me. Every single day.” 

“I’m still going to make it special. So you better be prepared. I’m going to romance the socks off you.” Louis plants endlessly kisses on every inch of Harry that he can reach. 

After Harry’s giggles die down, he finally speaks. “Well I look forward to that big, over-the-top proposal then.”

“I look forward to that day when you say yes and make me the happiest man in the entire world.” Louis looks down at his beautiful boy that has come such a long way from the first time he laid eyes on him. The man laying in his arms now is no longer broken. He’s the strongest person Louis has ever met in his life. He doesn’t know how he got so lucky but he counts his blessings every single day that he gets to love this man. “Scratch that… I’m already the happiest man alive.”


End file.
